Buen Dia Funny Quotes

He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe. ~ Sydney Smith

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk. ~ Bernard Manning

Did you ever wake up with an erection ... and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!" ~ Zach Galifianakis

A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it. ~ Ann Landers

Your insult has offended me. If we were at the Peaks, we would have to duel in traditional alil'tiki'i fashion."
"Which is what?" Teft asked. "With spears?"
Rock laughed. "No, no. We upon the Peaks are not barbarians like you down here."
"How then?" Kaladin asked, genuinely curious.
"Well," Rock said, "is involving much mudbeer and singing."
"How's that a duel?"
"He who can still sing after the most drinks is winner. Plus, soon' everyone is so drunk that they forget what argument was about."
Teft laughed. "Beats knives at dawn, I suppose. ~ Brandon Sanderson

It's just something that's sort of funny, sort of not. ~ Max Cannon

All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease. ~ Bob Hope

He knew you can't really be strong until you can see a funny side of things. ~ Ken Kesey

The Iraqi troops and the Iraqi fighters are in control of all the places, as we have witnessed, no big change in that. We are fighting against them. ~ Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf

It's funny, because it's like the fight when you watch it, it's probably going to be like five minutes, but it's taken us like a month to shoot it so I think what was really interesting was that instead of going through an entire fight sequence, you're doing one or two moves over and over and over, so I'd say it's less exhausting than actually training, because you're not really constantly going over the choreography, like the whole entire thing with everybody. You're just doing that one part that they need in the shot. ~ Ellen Wong

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked. ~ Chelsea Handler

What is love? Love is when your heart has a raging boner. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

It's funny when you smile," she said. "It's like a rainbow on a cloudy day."
"Don't ever say that to me again. ~ Maureen Johnson

I love a novel that's funny, and The Taxman Cometh is very funny, delightfully well-written, yet with a serious message about how government bureaucracy affects us all. Read. Enjoy. And if a comparison to Catch 22 pops into your mind, that's not surprising. ~ Marvin Kalb

What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you 'turn up missing'? ~ Kevin Hart

It's funny, but I think my stories - the good ones - they're much smarter than I am. ~ Etgar Keret

A funny thing happened to the First Amendment on its way to the public forum. According to the Supreme Court, money is now speech and corporations are now people. But when real people without money assemble to express their dissatisfaction with the political consequences of this, they're treated as public nuisances and evicted. ~ Robert B. Reich

Charlie waves me on, then leans an elbow on his chair. Propping his head up with a finger by his temple.
He's pissed at me.
But this is Tuesday and the sky is blue. So everything is as it should be. ~ Krista Ritchie

That's the funny thing about trying to escape. You never really can. Maybe temporarily, but not completely. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Grace Poole shrugged. "If you're sure. I can whip something up in the cauldron."

"Do not eat anything she whips up in a cauldron," Helen whispered. ~ Cynthia Hand

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores. ~ Mitch Hedberg

What did you do?" "Blew up a fuel depot, stole twelve rockets and made off with them in a stolen van, got kidnapped by a maniac, and had dinner with a guy who farted fire." "That would be funny, but I'm worried it's all true." "It's been a long couple days." "Did he really fart fire?" Morelli asked. ~ Janet Evanovich

Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet. ~ Art Linkletter

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

I'm very physical. I'm extremely active, and I would love to do something a little more sexy and dangerous, a la Sophia Loren, or funny and humorous, a la Woody Allen. Getting to do things along those lines would be extremely wicked and a dream come true. ~ Azita Ghanizada

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them. ~ Leo Tolstoy

This is one bar you should take home. ~ Eugene Ormandy

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.' ~ Henny Youngman

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. ~ Rita Rudner

There's a lot of people who, a cigarette is about the only vacation they have. ~ Trey Parker

Yes, we could talk to you for days on end about all the bad first dates. Those are stories. Funny stories. Awkward stories. Stories we love to share, because by sharing them, we get something out of the hour or two we wasted on the wrong person. But that's all bad first dates are: short stories. Good first dates are more than short stories. They are first chapters. On a good first date, everything is springtime.
And when a good first date becomes a relationship, the springtime lingers. Even after it's over, there can be springtime. ~ David Levithan

Pete Davidson - he's in the movie 'Trainwreck.' He has a small part in it. I told Lorne Michaels about him, said he was really funny. ~ Bill Hader

The funny thing about the word "delusion" is that it means just that - delusion. When you have it, you don't know it, and that can be a problem. ~ Christopher Zzenn Loren

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. ~ Mercedes McCambridge

I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts. ~ Garry Shandling