Babies Statistics Humor Quotes

The current crop of experts claimed that baby girls stare at faces while baby boys watch the mobile over their cribs. They extrapolated from this to conclude that women are inherently interested in people and men are inherently interested in objects.

... Turner supposed they might be right in a statistical sense, but numbers don't tell the whole story. If you have one foot in boiling water and one in a tub of dry ice, on the average you're comfortable. ~ Eileen Wilks

It is worth looking closer and remembering something Marcos Alvito told me: Statistics are like a bikini. They show so much, but they hide the most important parts. ~ Dave Zirin

I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political statistic. ~ Winston Churchill

A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey. ~ Banksy

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious. ~ Scott Dikkers

You do not know me, but I am a juvenile delinquent. I do not trust authority figures, I probably will not graduate from high school, and statistics say my present rowdiness and vandalism will likely lead to more serious crimes. I am a dangerous fellow, and I am causing mayhem in this store. [ ... ] There. I have now shamelessly destroyed the symmetry of this shelf, undoing hours of labor by underpaid store employees. If you could see me, you would be frightened. ~ Katherine Applegate

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? ~ Woody Allen

Statistics say that a range of mental disorders affects more than one in four Americans in any given year. That means millions of Americans are totally batshit.
but having perused the various tests available that they use to determine whether you're manic depressive. OCD, schizo-affective, schizophrenic, or whatever, I'm surprised the number is that low. So I have gone through a bunch of the available tests, and I've taken questions from each of them, and assembled my own psychological evaluation screening which I thought I'd share with you.
So, here are some of the things that they ask to determine if you're mentally disordered
1. In the last week, have you been feeling irritable?
2. In the last week, have you gained a little weight?
3. In the last week, have you felt like not talking to people?
4. Do you no longer get as much pleasure doing certain things as you used to?
5. In the last week, have you felt fatigued?
6. Do you think about sex a lot?
If you don't say yes to any of these questions either you're lying, or you don't speak English, or you're illiterate, in which case, I have the distinct impression that I may have lost you a few chapters ago. ~ Carrie Fisher

Pay closer attention to it's ears, the reason it's named the Rabbit. Is it just me, or do those ears also look like someone making a rude V-Sign hand gesture?

Oh, I get it now. Yes, very funny! Those bunny ears are meant to stimulate the clitoris, right? And of course, statistics and studies in bullshit magazines claim that 1 in every 2 men can't find the clitoris, right? Meaning what I think it means and that the sexist female who obviously designed this device is basically sticking two fingers up at crappy men, because her world famous toy can find the users clitoris quicker ~ Jimmy Tudeski

Lilah did little more than sleep and eat and cry, which to me was the most fascinating thing in the entire universe. Why did she cry? When did she sleep? What made her eat a lot one day and little the next? Was she changing with time? I did what any obsessed person would do in such a case: I recorded data, plotted it, calculated statistical correlations. First I just wrote on scraps of paper and made charts on graph paper, but I very quickly became more sophisticated. I wrote computer software to make a beautifully colored plot showing times when Diane fed Lilah, in black; when I fed her, in blue (expressed mother's milk, if you must know); Lilah's fussy times, in angry red; her happy times, in green. I calculated patterns in sleeping times, eating times, length of sleep, amounts eaten.
Then, I did what any obsessed person would do these days; I put it all on the Web. ~ Mike Brown

Of course, if 40% of women need oxytocin to progress normally, then something is wrong with the definition of normal. ~ Henci Goer

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you. ~ Rita Mae Brown

You can flip a coin but Schrodinger's pet cat will still be in that box. ~ Scott Edward Shjefte

I couldn't claim that I was smarter than sixty-five other guys
but the average of sixty-five other guys, certainly! ~ Richard Feynman

Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood. ~ Stephen Colbert

Be careful of averages and how they're applied. One way that they can fool you is if the average combines samples from disparate populations. This can lead to absurd observations such as:
"On average, humans have one testicle. ~ Daniel J. Levitin

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. ~ Edgar Fiedler

Once we know how observant a person is in terms of church attendance, nothing that we can discover about the content of her religious faith adds anything to our understanding or prediction of her good neighborliness ... In fact, the statistics suggest that even an atheist who happened to become involved in the social life of the congregation (perhaps through a spouse) is much more likely to volunteer in a soup kitchen than the most fervent believer who prays alone. It is religious belongingness that matters for neighborliness, not religious believing. ~ Robert Putnam

His most famous (and possibly apocryphal) mishap involved an operation during which he worked so rapidly that he took off three of his assistant's fingers and, while switching blades, slashed a spectator's coat. Both the assistant and the patient died later of gangrene, and the unfortunate bystander expired on the spot from fright. It is the only surgery in history said to have had a 300 percent fatality rate. ~ Lindsey Fitzharris

You know, I think I'm the worst player to talk to about statistics. ~ Victoria Azarenka

Ancient portraits are symbolic images without any immediate relation to the individuals represented; they are not portraits as we understand them ... It is remarkable that philologists who are capable of carrying accuracy to the extremes in the case of words are as credulous as babies when it comes to "images," and yet an image is so full of information that ten thousands words would not add up to it. ~ George Sarton

The delicate balance between these factors helps explain why, for instance, the typical prostitute earns more than the typical architect. It may not seem as though she should. The architect would appear to
be more skilled (as the word is usually defined) and better educated (again, as usually defined). But little girls don't grow up dreaming of becoming prostitutes, so the supply of potential prostitutes is relatively small. Their skills, while not necessarily "specialized," are practiced in a very specialized context. The job is unpleasant and forbidding in at least two significant ways: the likelihood of violence and the lost opportunity of having a stable family life. As for demand? Let's just say that an architect is more likely to hire a prostitute than vice versa. ~ Levitt/Dubner

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

He has artistry," he repeated. "Because that's what it takes to blow things up. And cook his arm. ~ Tamora Pierce

A good coat is like a good lawyer. it covers your ass. ~ Lee Child

If you ever need to poison someone, do it with a bacon sandwich ~ Y.S. Lee

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11. ~ Frankie Boyle

It seems as if every month brings another study showing that breast milk is what Ponce de León should have been searching for. ~ Nicholas Day

If a dog doesn't put you first where are you both? In what relation? A dog needs God. It lives by your glances, your wishes. It even shares your humor. This happens about the fifth year. If it doesn't happen you are only keeping an animal. ~ Enid Bagnold

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~ Will Rogers

I had the loveliest pony when I was your age. I called him Zip. He ate apples straight out of my hand. I'm deathly allergic to horse hair, of course, and wept buckets of tears every time he was near, but it was worth it. I loved him so. ~ Meg Cabot

You can't murder a book. Even I know that. But you know what you can do with a book, what you can do is burn it, or throw it out a window, or draw, mm, big hairy moustaches on all the ancient illustrations, and blacken the teeth of the women and children, and-- Oh God, don't. It's like talking about drowning babies. You are a terrible person. ~ Lady Jaida

I'm glad she's so smitten with her new huntsman boyfriend and all, but venison-wurst? Gag me with a harpsichord. ~ Nicki Elson

The wall between writing and painting is just good grammar.

Moderation in moderation.

Fun is scary with a happy ending.

Just love. If love doesn't transform that which annoys you, it will be easier to tolerate. ~ Emily Thornton Calvo

I feel like I'm going to catch hepatitis just standing here. ~ Michelle Hodkin

You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?"
"Only a man would think of that.
It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will. ~ Terry Pratchett

And we don't often get any wading birds in the River Ankh, mainly because the pollution would eat their legs away and anyway, it's easier for them to walk on the surface. ~ Terry Pratchett

If a baby really has no awareness of himself and is totally thing-directed and at the same time all his states of mind are projected onto things, our second paradox makes sense: on the one hand, thought in babies can be viewed as pure accommodation or exploratory movements, but on the other this very same thought is only one, long, completely autistic waking dream. ~ Jean Piaget

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I'm carrying piping hot coffee. ~ Wes Locher

The Milesians won the battle by merely telling women that they did not belong to the same species as men, & thus there was no battle to be fought. For, the ability to mate & produce offspring together is a modern definition, unknown during Milesian times. And thus, the Milesians told women that men, being descendants of Prometheus & Epimetheus, the cousins of Zeus, the King of the Gods, were Gods. Whilst, women,being the descendants of Pandora, were playthings, made of clay, for men`s pleasure just as Pandora herself was.[INTRO] ~ Nicholas Chong

Religious humor is not really my area, so I probably wouldn't do anything about that, or politics or something. ~ Chris Lilley

Saturday, December 12, 8 p.m., the Loft
I WILL PASS ALGEBRA THIS SEMESTER, and NOTHING IS GOING TO DISTRACT ME FROM STUDYING FOR THE FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, December 12, 9 p.m., the Loft
I just had to go out and see the part where Bruce Willis throws the explosives down the elevator shaft, but now I am back to work. ~ Meg Cabot

Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation. ~ Lemony Snicket

Do I look like a shallow Summer girl to you?' She tossed her silver hair, offended. 'I'm a Winter Court royal. I kill silly Summer flowerlets with frost when I yawn. ~ Vicki Keire