Statistics Humor Quotes

His most famous (and possibly apocryphal) mishap involved an operation during which he worked so rapidly that he took off three of his assistant's fingers and, while switching blades, slashed a spectator's coat. Both the assistant and the patient died later of gangrene, and the unfortunate bystander expired on the spot from fright. It is the only surgery in history said to have had a 300 percent fatality rate. ~ Lindsey Fitzharris

Statistics say that a range of mental disorders affects more than one in four Americans in any given year. That means millions of Americans are totally batshit.
but having perused the various tests available that they use to determine whether you're manic depressive. OCD, schizo-affective, schizophrenic, or whatever, I'm surprised the number is that low. So I have gone through a bunch of the available tests, and I've taken questions from each of them, and assembled my own psychological evaluation screening which I thought I'd share with you.
So, here are some of the things that they ask to determine if you're mentally disordered
1. In the last week, have you been feeling irritable?
2. In the last week, have you gained a little weight?
3. In the last week, have you felt like not talking to people?
4. Do you no longer get as much pleasure doing certain things as you used to?
5. In the last week, have you felt fatigued?
6. Do you think about sex a lot?
If you don't say yes to any of these questions either you're lying, or you don't speak English, or you're illiterate, in which case, I have the distinct impression that I may have lost you a few chapters ago. ~ Carrie Fisher

The current crop of experts claimed that baby girls stare at faces while baby boys watch the mobile over their cribs. They extrapolated from this to conclude that women are inherently interested in people and men are inherently interested in objects.

... Turner supposed they might be right in a statistical sense, but numbers don't tell the whole story. If you have one foot in boiling water and one in a tub of dry ice, on the average you're comfortable. ~ Eileen Wilks

What's a flange?" asked Marcia.
A what?"
A flange. It says here attatch piece Y to the long, upright D, taking care to align holes P and Q with the corrosponding holes N and O in the left-hand flange. I can't see a wrethed flange anywhere. ~ Angie Sage

Rustin knew that Tommy was right. It was high time he stopped being so passive. After all, he'd moved halfway across the country to start his life over. If he didn't have the balls to put himself out there and take the bull by the horns - or the cowboy by the balls - then he deserved to be alone and lonely. ~ Jeff Erno

On a good team there are no superstars. There are great players who show they are great players by being able to play with others as a team. They have the ability to be superstars, but if they fit into a good team, they make sacrifices, they do things necessary to help the team win. What the numbers are in salaries or statistics don't matter; how they play together does. ~ Red Holzman

It isn't as simple as a fascination of the flesh. It's everything about her that I love: her intelligence, her ambition, her talent, her sense of humor, her dependability, her kindness. ~ Kristen Zimmer

So long as you have courage and a sense of humor, it is never too late to start life afresh. ~ Freeman Dyson

Talon, Bracy; I give you my word, I will tie your ankles together with a cord and force you to walk together for a day if you can't learn to be pleasant to one another. ~ Nicole Sager The Heart Of Arcrea

The website increases my excitement when I read, "Hark, the pies are calling!" My excitement is short-lived, however. I read the page again and realize that it is "pipes" that are calling, not "pies" as I had hoped. I am disappointed. I personally react better to the call of pies. ~ Aefa Mulholland

You must have been going very fast."
"I was, until I hit the fence. ~ Anthony Horowitz

I suddenly saw how each life's joy and pain were made just exactly right for that life so that they fit that life perfectly like its own skin. And so no other body could possibly get in and try it on for itself because every other body had its own perfect skin too.

And the more you could stand the more you'd be given, so you were always filled right up to your own personal limit where one more drop, which you could count on, would push it over the edge. And so you would somehow have to find the way to contain it too, that one drop too many, and maybe just to see how much you could actually bear. And whether your capacity be a thimbleful or the whole damn ocean, the well of your precious collected humor be it tears today or your life's blood tomorrow will surely drown the fragile flame of your existence given the addition of that inevitable next drop. Unless you grow. Unless you become big enough to still hold it all.

And so like it or not, you would learn what you were given the breath of life to learn. You would learn what you unknowingly came here to learn. And your sorrow and grief and your joys and pleasures too would teach you your lessons in a curriculum devised just precisely for you. ~ Joe Henry

Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on. ~ Karen Elizabeth Gordon

Oh, you should have been born with my abilities, if only to have felt the rage that seeped from him."
I didn't want to think much about his abilities. "Who's to say he won't splatter you as well?"
"Perhaps he'll try- but I have a feeling he'll kill Amarantha first. ~ Sarah J. Maas

The no-kiss rule starts when we're home and I've found you a class,' Sky said smugly. 'Read the small print.'
Zed folded his arms and pushed back his empty plate. 'She won't last. ~ Joss Stirling

Tonight was a perfect illustration of why Cinderella and the Prince get married twenty-four hours after they meet. Because when you're living with your stepmother, there is no happily ever after. ~ Melissa Kantor

My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat ... I AM A CHIHUAHUA!
Skippyjon Jones (In his very best Spanish accent) ~ Judy Schachner

The people were all busy in their cars, listening to the radio, so there was no one to smile at, so I just sent my love to the traffic lights. No one ever appreciates them, all day long, working so hard to turn red and yellow and green, right in time with us to make sure we don't crash into each other. If there was any tiny chance, even the tiniest chance, that they happened to be alive, I bet I was the first person ever to tell them they were special. You are special, I said out loud in my car, but in case they couldn't hear, I cracked my window open. "You are special," I said, to the night air.
And just like that, a green light. ~ Aimee Bender

You do understand that I must find a way to return to Olympus," I said. "This will probably involve many harrowing trials with a high chance of death. Can you turn down such glory?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can. Sorry."
I pursed my lips. It always disappointed me when mortals put themselves first and failed to see the big picture - the importance of putting me first - but I had to remind myself that this young man had helped me out on many previous occasions ~ Rick Riordan

Motto for latin countries: If you're not late, you're not on time ~ Bogdan Vaida

Then you agree that you should keep me." With the smug satisfaction of an argument won, he propped his shoulder against the stall door. Her eyes picked him over as if he were a carved goose on a table. "Aye, I'll have to either keep you ... or kill you." "I vote for keeping me." A glint of humor shone in her eyes. "And I shall so long as you behave yourself." "And if I don't behave? If I try to escape?" "I'll hunt you down and kill you." The conviction in her voice chilled him, and yet he felt something else, an ache of pity that a wonderful creature like Caitlin MacBride should be compelled to have the heart of a murderer. "Then you leave me no alternative," he said lightly. "I shall stay. Think of it, Cait, we'll grow old together. We'll walk on the strand and watch the sunset, and you'll sing songs to me in that lovely voice of yours. ~ Susan Wiggs

I don't use coarse humor, but occasionally I'll joke about intercourse - between midget siblings. ~ Jarod Kintz

You might want to put some clothes on' suggested Jace 'I'm all for the bra and panties look, but you don't want the Silent Brothers to die of excitement ~ Cassandra Clare

I would love to do a film with a lot of humor in it: a comedy with pain instead of a painful film with some comedy. ~ Randa Haines

Good-humor is the clear blue sky of the soul. ~ Arthur Frederick Saunders

Please note, I am not suggesting that illicit drugs are required to break down social barriers. ~ Thomas C. Foster

You get more results with honey than with... being an arsehole. ~ Emma Kavanagh

Never mess with the Fez." - Heather Peaceout, Black Fez, Second Order ~ Richard Due

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything." ~ Henny Youngman

Had there been a lunatic asylum in the suburbs of Jerusalem, Jesus Christ would infallibly have been shut up in it at the outset of his public career. That interview with Satan on the pinnacle of the Temple would alone have damned him, and everything that happened after could but have confirmed the diagnosis. ~ Havelock Ellis

Theo made a mental note to look up the care of violets after she left. He was going to raise the healthiest potted violet ever. He'd knit it a damn sweater for the winter, if need be. ~ Sam Burns

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise. ~ A.A. Milne

I heard a story once in the Orient about two architects who went to see the Buddha. They had run out of money on their projects and hoped the Buddha could do something about it. 'Well, I'll do what I can,' said the Buddha, and he went off to see their work. The first architect was building a bridge, and the Buddha was very impressed. 'That's a very good bridge,' he said, and he began to pray. Suddenly a great white bull appeared, carrying on its back enough gold to finish construction. 'Take it,' said the Buddha, 'and build even more bridges.' And so the first architect went away very happy. The second architect was building a wall, and when the Buddha saw it he was equally impressed. 'That's a very good wall,' he said solemnly, and began to pray. Suddenly the sacred bull appeared, walked over to the second architect, and sat on him. ~ Colin Higgins

Maybe Dracula wasn't a vampire, just a raging alcoholic who was constantly hungover. ~ Krystal Sutherland

What are you doing, Avery?"
I held up my bottle. "Drinking. What are you doing?"
His icy blue eyes narrowed. "That's not what I'm getting at and you know that. What are you doing?"
Damn. Hello attitude. I tried to give Cam the bitch look Steph had mastered, screwing my face up until I'm sure I looked like I was having a seizure. I sighed and gave up. ~ J. Lynn

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. ~ Bob Monkhouse

When you're watching something on TV that sucks, you change it. So when your life sucks you should be able to change it too.
-Butt-Head, of Beavis and Butt-Head; Chicken Soup for the Butt ~ Butt-Head

The report was so loud Nicholas thought the guard had fired into his head. He staggered as the man's grip fell away, his hand going to his cheek. He felt the warm wetness of blood, but it wasn't his. He looked for the Gardier and saw him sprawled on the ground, one neat bullet hole in his forehead. He straightened up, reaching for a handkerchief until he remembered the damn uniform jacket had no pockets. Wiping the blood away with his hand, he said under his breath, "I knew emphasizing firearms training over deportment lessons would benefit in the long run."
His daughter moved toward him, lowering the pistol, staring. ~ Martha Wells

Animals are my friends ... and I don't eat my friends. ~ George Bernard Shaw

If you're playing a good guy, you show some darkness. If you're playing a dark guy, you show something different, like humor, that will mix it up and hopefully surpass the audience's expectations. What I'm battling all the time is complacency in the audience. I try to bring a little mystery to what might happen because that engages people more. ~ Campbell Scott

As a general rule, librarians are a kick in the pants socially, often full of good humor, progressive, and, naturally, well read ~ Bill Hall

Help me out," I pleaded. "You've left me alone to deal with this situation, and now we're being dealt the consequences."
I swore I heard Tom growl. I actually pulled the phone from my ear to stare at it to make sure it hadn't turned into a tiny lion. ~ Laura Kreitzer

We all know what feminists are. They are shrill, overly aggressive, man-hating, ball-busting, selfish, hairy, extremist, deliberately unattractive women with absolutely no sense of humor who see sexism at every turn. They make men's testicles shrivel up to the size of peas, they detest the family and think all children should be deported or drowned. ~ Susan J. Douglas

The way humor's usually used in horror, it's as a pressure-release valve; without it, the drama would escalate out of all control almost immediately. ~ Stephen Graham Jones