Business Humor Quotes

I tried to lighten the mood, and pointed at the house shoes - the last things I'd have expected to see Catcher Bell wearing. "And the shoes?" I asked with a grin.
"My house, my rules. These shoes happen to be comfortable," he said "If you two roamed around the house naked and carrying bows and arrows before I moved in, it's none of my business. ~ Chloe Neill

I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants. ~ Elvis Presley

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Penny, why don't you write a play about Ism-Mania?
Penny Sycamore: Ism-Mania?
Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Yeah, sure, you know, Communism, Faschism, Voodoo-ism, everybody's got an -ism these days.
Penny Sycamore: Oh
[laughs]
Penny Sycamore: I thought it was some kind of itch or something.
Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Well, it's just as catching. When things go a little bad nowadays, you go out, get yourself an -ism and you're in business. ~ George S. Kaufman

In business, there are times when you disagree, and sometimes it turns out that you're just plain wrong. Humor takes away tension and helps you realize you're wrong. ~ Craig Newmark

He wants what? No Business! ~ Kris Embrey

I have a business appointment that I am anxious ... to miss. ~ Oscar Wilde

Ty Inc.'s 1989 catalog had this on the back cover: "Warning: If anyone dare copy our creative designs and patents without written permission, ownership of your eternal soul passes to us and we have the right to negotiate the sale of said soul. Furthermore, our attorneys will see to it that life on Earth, as you know it, is not worth living. ~ Zac Bissonnette

The happiest time in a man's life is when he is in the red hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it. ~ Josh Billings

Anyone in the humor business isn't thinking clearly if he doesn't surround himself with idea people. Otherwise, you settle for mediocrity - or you burn yourself out. ~ Hank Ketcham

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. ~ Oscar Wilde

You kids today don't understand. You go into the stalls, and you sit on the toilets, and you read your comic books. But you never think about the brave cleaning supplies that gave their lives so you could have a safe place to do your business. ~ Beth Labonte

Going to work every day was like my hair was on fire and all I had to put it out was a hammer. ~ Bethany McLean

Life is all about exploring yourself, discovering yourself and grooming yourself, then you will surely stop negative thinking. ~ Ehabib

I am yet to meet the idiot at whose door success arrived as a direct result of his refusal to invest in the enterprise that made him rich. ~ Jonathan Wutawunashe

I think up until the point when we started in the business, which was in the early '70s, most of the humor was political. The smart humor was political satire. ~ David Zucker

I have often had the impression that, to penguins, man is just another penguin -different, less predictable, occasionally violent, but tolerable company when he sits still and minds his own business. ~ Bernard Stonehouse

If all it takes to motivate you is a quote then this quote has nothing to say – except to go soar with the freakin' eagles. ~ Ryan Lilly

If you KNOW that you're FUCKED Then you're NOT If you think that you're NOT THEN YOU ARE!
Isn't that lovely? Iambic pentangle? ~ Martin Atkins

You're tough when you need to be, and you can charm the pants off men who have three times your experience.
Well, yes. Although I try not to take advantage of that too often. Very awkward negotiating with people who are sitting around in their underwear. ~ Julie James

Execution strategies: do / buy / delegate / forget. ~ Gerry Geek

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings. ~ Dave Barry

I'll take risk on what I do on my life . Just mind your own business . ~ Azlnrdzi

I have always looked upon a telephone as an official kind of machine which you prepared for with fasting and prayer, and only had recourse to when strictly necessary for important business. ~ C.N. Williamson

Jude gave Chubs a long look of appraisal. "You had day-of-the-week underwear growing up, didn't you?"
Chubs merely pushed the glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I don't see how that's any of your business. ~ Alexandra Bracken

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business. ~ Tom Robbins

Be a Flea, not a Bull or a Bear. Don't delay, retire anyway. Trading is NOT a four letter word. Buy carefully, sell aggressively. Don't mark duds while drinking. When your plan fails, change it. Don't be slow, don't be greedy. Don't be obtuse with a machine gun pointed at you. There's still time to build wealth and retire well.

The Stock Market Flea: Lessons from the Front ~ James J. Houts

She'll read your mind like nobody's business. ~ Jayde Scott

Don't worry, I'm not quitting. I've decided I'm going to stay and
make his life a living hell while I run his business into the ground.
Kim to Abe ~ Devon Rhodes

You learn timing on the road. You learn structure and how to read an audience. You learn so much about the business of laughter that you can't learn on a set, because it's all on you. Sometimes you bomb, and you know not to tell that joke again ... You just hope people find the humor in the awkwardness. ~ Marlon Wayans

A title from the1966 movie
"The Russians Are Coming,
The Russians Are Coming,"
gives a new meaning to
a phrase: "wait a minute,
we've seen this movie before ~ Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur

We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff. ~ M. Beth Bloom

Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence. ~ Criss Jami

A woman without a past is like a fruitcake without brandy - insipid! ~ Nancy Atherton

I've been in this business for a long time, and I no longer think that anything that I do by way of clarification is ever going to eradicate the mistakes. ~ Ann Beattie

She stared into his eyes and announced, "A good-bye kiss."
It was at that Raid stopped dead. "What?"
"Raiden, the gig is up," she declared, and Raid closed his eyes.
Jesus, how could the woman be so infuriating and so fucking cute all at once?
He opened his eyes and asked, "The gig is up?"
She leaned into him and hissed, "Yes."
Fuck, he wanted to kiss her.
He also wanted to shake her.
"Baby, it's jig," he corrected, and her head jerked, which made that mess of hair on her head jerk, which reminded him he wanted his hands in that hair.
Then elsewhere.
He needed to speed this shit up.
"Sorry?" she asked, sounding confused, and he looked from her hair to her eyes and saw she was, in fact, confused.
Yeah. Infuriating. And fucking cute.
"The jig is up, not the gig," he told her.
Her eyes narrowed. "Seriously? You're correcting my street lingo?"
"Think that street lingo was the street lingo about eight decades ago, Hanna. So now it's just lingo. ~ Kristen Ashley

When you're in New York City or Los Angeles, even if you're not dealing with show business, there's still this sense that it's the center of the universe. And I think that's a really dangerous, limiting mindset. ~ Ed Helms

Suddenly, he wanted some credit for it. He wanted someone to thank him for not crapping on the institution of love. He wanted someone to thank him for not being yet another dilettante. He wanted someone to thank him for quitting poetry. He wanted some great poet to thank him for quitting poetry instead of desecrating it with his amateurishness. He wanted some unborn child to thank him for not conceiving her and not leaving her a hope chest full of mawkish villanelles. He wanted some sort of organization of martyrs to give him an award. He wanted to be decorated for not putting up a fuss. He wanted to be the president of forgettable people. He wanted there to be a competition for the least competitive person, and he wanted to win that competition. He wanted some sort of badge or outfit or medal or key or hat. He wanted to be asked to stand. He wanted to be considered. He wanted to be considered in earnest before being ignored. He wanted all the insane and beautiful and passionate people in the world to take one moment of silence in gratitude for the ones who had ceded them the stage-- he, the unread poet, the sacrifice, the schoolteacher-- he wanted one goddamned moment of appreciation. ~ Amity Gaige

Twenty-four years of sneaking cola drinks for breakfast had finally taken its toll, and she had been tossed into sugar-induced hallucination. ~ Lynn Kurland

The more you live it, the more sustainable your business approach becomes. ~ Satya Nadella

We have outlived this embryo, this human cradle, and now it's time to be up and about the great business of becoming citizens of the galaxy and at home with our own heart. ~ Terence McKenna

It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals. ~ Helen Fielding

Frowning, puzzled, I cross my arms over my chest. "Go to hell." His eyebrows lift as he draws near enough so that I can accept his offer of wine, and smell his pungent breath. " Not without you, my dear ~ Marianne Curley

Doesn't it feel great to have eight ideas you love written down and spread out on the table before you? I'll forgive you if you took a quick break from reading to do a little freestyle writing, but we really need to get back to business so you can discover your brand and move on to writing even bigger and better things. ~ Emlyn Chand

God wants to supply your needs from a place you never expected, through people you never knew, in ways you never thought, but first you have to believe that it is possible. Once you understand that His ability to meet your needs is bigger than your job or your business, you will find that your source of life is bigger than the resources that you have been accumulating. ~ Myles Munroe

Imagination is evidence of the divine, and the divine is the imagination of evidence. ~ Erik Banks

Improving the world can be a nasty and ugly and difficult and dangerous business ... because when you improve the world, you threaten the entrenched interests of evil people. ~ Stefan Molyneux

What today's business reality makes clear is that brands cannot survive in a society that is failing economically, socially, ethically, and morally. ~ Simon Mainwaring

Every advance in information technology involves choosing what you want to preserve and what you want to ditch. Scanning rare books on to microfilm is a costly business. The library won't let you do it yourself - they decide first which books should be scanned and which should just rot away in the basement.
Against that eventuality, people should start hoarding the kind of books committees of rational people will decide against scanning into a database. ~ Robert Twigger

However, a good life consists of more than simply the totality of enjoyable experiences. It must also have a meaningful pattern, a trajectory of growth that results in the development of increasing emotional, cognitive, and social complexity. ~ Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Generally the whole entertainment business now is bland. ~ Eartha Kitt

My business is words. Words are like labels,
or coins, or better, like swarming bees. ~ Anne Sexton

I opened the door as quickly as I could - speedy as a snail in glue. My fine-motor coordination was set on suck mode. ~ Devon Monk

Joss often thought of herself in male terms when analyzing her role in the family business system, since there didn't seem to be any available roles or jobs for women. ~ Suzanne Stroh

All I meant to say is that a rake's humor has its basis in cruelty. He needs a victim, for he cannot imagine ever laughing at himself. You, your grace, are rather clever with the self-deprecating remark. ~ Julia Quinn

Listen to me, convict. I have not traveled all this way to listen to your war stories. So shut your trap before I shut it for you.
Commander Julius Root ~ Eoin Colfer

A doctor is advertised by the bodies he cures. My business is advertised by the minds I stimulate. And let me tell you that the book business is different from other trades. People don't know they want books. I can see just by looking at you that your mind is ill for lack of books but you are blissfully unaware of it! ~ Christopher Morley

My mother's father was just called "The Governor," or "Himself." Which, if you have sixteen kids, probably isn't as crazy as it sounds. ~ Kathy Griffin

I clung tightly to Kwan's mane as he propelled his great serpent body through the cloud banks. The cockatrice's big green head dipped under the clouds, and I spotted an emerald island below, with dramatic peaks jutting up from the jungle. I asked the great cockatrice for the name of the isle, but he only laughed at me, saying that names changed faster than a century's wind. That didn't seem very fast to me, but I took his word for it. ~ Heather Heffner

There's a lot of "fiddle-faddle" wrapped up in that word "inspiration." It is the last resort of the lazy writer, of the man who would rather sit and dream than be up and doing. If the majority of writers who depend upon fiction for a livelihood were to wait for the spirit of inspiration to move them, the sheriff would happen along and tack a notice on the front door--while the writers were still waiting. ~ John Milton Edwards

I have some extra costumes-"
"No!" Ephialtes snapped, and for once Percy was in agreement. ~ Rick Riordan

To build a successful business, you must start small and dream big. ~ Aliko Dangote

Life is like the stock market. Some days you're up. Some days you're down. And some days you feel like something the bull left behind. ~ Paula Wall

There's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got.. because the owners of this country don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now.. the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. ~ George Carlin

If the head man in a company is not working 12 hours a day, doing things, taking risks, but also standing with his people in the trenches at the most difficult of times, then the company loses something. ~ Rupert Murdoch

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." ~ Tommy Cooper

I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isn't that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

The only business of the head in the world is to bow a ceaseless obeisance to the heart. ~ William Butler Yeats

[L]ife is a phenomenon in need of criticism, for we are, as fallen creatures, in permanent danger of worshipping false gods, of failing to understand ourselves and misinterpreting the behaviour of others, of growing unproductively anxious or desirous, and of losing ourselves to vanity and error. Surreptitiously and beguilingly, then, with humour or gravity, works of art
novels, poems, plays, paintings or films
can function as vehicles to explain our condition to us. They may act as guides to a truer, more judicious, more intelligent understanding of the world. ~ Alain De Botton

Ultimately, broadcasters and advertisers have to change the way they do business or they run the risk of linear TV becoming obsolete. ~ Charlie Ergen

A shameful fact about humanity is that some people can be so ugly that no one will be friends with them. It is shameful that humans can be so cruel, and it is shameful that humans can be so ugly. ~ Hal Johnson