Funny Sarcastic Quotes

Musical people always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be perfectly deaf. ~ Oscar Wilde

I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures. ~ Oscar Wilde

The little dictator who went to Moscow in his green fatigues to receive a bear hug did not forsake the doctrine of Lenin when he returned to the West and appeared in a two-piece suit. (On Daniel Ortega Saavedra) ~ Ronald Reagan

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. ~ George Carlin

Had double chins all the way down to his stomach. ~ Mark Twain

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot. ~ Oscar Wilde

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit. ~ Will Smith

If I didn't kick his ass every day? he wouldn't be worth anything. ~ Hillary Clinton

As we celebrate Recovery Month, it is time for Congress to knock down the barriers to treatment and recovery for 26 million Americans suffering the ravages of alcohol and drug addiction. ~ Jim Ramstad

I love the sound of it," Trina whispers, as if speaking too loudly might interrupt the drumming patter of the rain outside. "It makes me want to sleep. Snuggle my head right up in your armpit and snore for three days."
"My armpit?" Mark repeats. "Good thing we all showered up in the storm this morning. My pits smell like roses. Go ahead and get comfy. ~ James Dashner

Years ago we would have been burned for this. Now what I am suggesting is that we've advanced. ~ John Cleese

So what's it to be, Bear?"
Dev lifted his leg and gave a sarcastic slap to his thigh.
"By golly, I'll take door number two, Bob. You know the one that calls for straight suicide with a side of mutilation and pain? Sign my hairy ass up for that and don't be late. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior. ~ Stephenie Meyer

Folks always look good in their coffins. ~ Elvis Presley

To live as one likes is plebian the noble man aspires to order and law. ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

It's not because John McCain doesn't care. It's because John McCain doesn't get it. ~ Barack Obama

Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

If you think research is expensive, try disease! ~ Mary Lasker

A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed. ~ John Cleese

She let out a strangled laugh. "Yeah, that's how it works. I just woke up one morning and was like, 'gee, I want to screw Kyler.' Seriously, you have no clue. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

I've been fortunate - I haven't had too many auditions. I slept with the right people. ~ Pamela Anderson

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. ~ Helen Rowland

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't driving around on a bus and having a campfire kind of adding to the environment problem? ~ Will Smith

Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky. ~ John Cleese

Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry. ~ Jennifer Lynn Barnes

I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells. ~ Richard Pryor

This Jacoby character, regardless of how dreamy he may appear, is aiding and abetting my captivity. Not exactly the kind of guy you want to bring home to meet mom. ~ Erica Cope

I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate ... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead. ~ Mark Twain

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. ~ George Carlin

Why do I feel a song coming on?" said Bean. The sarcastic words slipped out of him unbidden. ~ Orson Scott Card

How tall is it?" [The Harps]
"according to the sagas, it links through time and space and keeps our world and your world tethered together"
"Pretty big, then ~ Kathryn James

Nietzsche said 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger,'" Jim said to me as we slogged along another trash-strewn roadside." "Yeah, right," I said. "How about radiation? ~ Will McIntosh

Babe, I hate to break it to you, but you're one messed up mess."
"I know!" I exclaimed before breaking off into a fit of laughter. "I ought to be admitted or put on some serious medication or something. ~ K.R. Grace

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary. ~ Oscar Wilde

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

However, it is always nice to be expected, and not to arrive. ~ Oscar Wilde

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. ~ Max Eastman

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. ~ Groucho Marx

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. ~ David Letterman

He who desires nothing, hopes for nothing, and is afraid of nothing, cannot be an artist. ~ Anton Chekhov

Size does matter. There's a lot of ways to make people feel good, but personally I think it does enhance things. ~ Pamela Anderson

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed. ~ George Carlin

I could use all the confidence I could get. If possible, I would steal some from the egotistical Chase. He had more than enough to spare. ~ J.L. Weil

Really, if the lower orders don't set a good example, what on earth is the use of them? ~ Oscar Wilde

Now, because he knows that his economic theories don't work, he's been spending these last few days calling me every name in the book. Lately he's called me a socialist for wanting to roll-back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans so we can finally give tax relief to the middle class. I don't know what's next. By the end of the week he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in kindergarten. I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. ~ Barack Obama

The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water. ~ Oscar Wilde

There is a gay agenda?" he asked. "Naturally. Although marriage is the second item. Draw two." "So what's the first?" Jackson asked, grinning. He seemed to be the only person at the table besides Levi who realized Jaime was kidding. Everybody else was staring at Jaime with open-mouthed shock. "Recruitment. Especially of children. That's why I'm here, in fact. We're having a membership drive this month, and whoever recruits the most minors wins two free tickets to see Kathy Griffin live. ~ Marie Sexton

I wish all teenagers can filter through songs instead of turning to drugs and alcohol. ~ Taylor Swift

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. ~ Groucho Marx

Deliberate with caution, but act with decision and yield with graciousness, or oppose with firmness. ~ Charles Caleb Colton

Your mother can't hear you here."
"Distance is no match for my mother's eavesdropping and mind-reading skills."

"I had steel anti-mind-reading plates installed this week. Specially designed to be Marilyn-proof. Also sounds an alarm if she gets within two hundred yards of the building, and I sent the guards downstairs to ninja training. You're safe. ~ Jamie Farrell

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland. ~ Josh Billings

You know what's funny about death? I mean other than absolutely nothing at all? You'd think we could remember finding out we weren't immortal. Sometimes I see children sobbing airports and I think, Aww. They've just been told. ~ Carrie Fisher

There comes a moment in the day when you have written your pages in the morning, attended to your correspondence in the afternoon, and have nothing further to do. Then comes that hour when you are bored; that's the time for sex. ~ H.G.Wells

The thought of being with Shay Wilder makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife ~ Lisa McMann

I waved my hand like a frantic dust mop fingers spread ludicrously wide apart as if to say "What jolly fun " What I wanted to do actually was to leap to my feet strike a pose and burst into one of those "Yo-ho for the open road " songs they always play in the cinema musicals but I stifled the urge and settled for a ghastly grin and an extra twiddle of the fingers. ~ Alan Bradley

Sadly for you, I think I'm going to live, Simi. You can stop slapping me now. I've already lost enough sense. Can't afford to lose any more brain cells. I really really need my last three before I forget how to spell my name. It's hard enough to pronounce." Nick
"well, poo. Not poo that you'll live, 'cause the Simi would probably miss you if you died, but poo that I'll miss all that good old salty boy meat. Though we needs be fatting you up some to make you really good eats. Hmmm." Simi ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Edward shot a glare at Davis that held the promise of dismemberment, mayhem, and the apocalypse. ~ Elizabeth Hoyt

It is funny, I don't feel old enough to give advice ... But with the advisers you trust, you better listen to them. It may be bad news but that's the only way you're going to improve. ~ Ben Heppner

I'm half italian"
"Which half" asked Tessa
"From the waist down ~ Pamela Clare

My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

These golf people seem unnaturally obsessed. They dress kind of funny too, and it's become a running joke for Gretchen and I to e-mail the most ridiculous golfing pictures back and forth to each other. Sometimes she adds hysterical captions. She never puts them on PitchBitch, though. We can't threaten the gravy train. ~ Shawn Klomparens

What's meant for you will reach you in time, and if you embrace it with your arms wide open it might just stay with you forever and bless you with more happiness than you could ever envision. ~ Jayde Scott

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability."
"Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora.
"I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field."
She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?"
"And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't. ~ Derek Landy

And you would know so much about women, locked up in your castle."
"Locked up with eight wives. And sometimes I make house calls for my bargainers. There's many a lovely woman desperate enough to bargain with me."
This idea had never occurred to me before. "You touch another woman and I'll cut your hands off," I snapped.
He looked delighted. "I thought you were afraid of hurting me. ~ Rosamund Hodge

For reasons that will become obvious, I call this story, "There's a Horse in My Living Room." It's about how I wound up with a horse in my living room. ~ June Foray

Straight, huh? You know, funny thing is, often the straightest of trees have crooked roots. ~ Ella Frank

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile. ~ Bob Edwards

It's wonderful to travel with somebody that you love and we never travel anywhere without one another. ~ Roger Moore

There is a simple explanation for why men haven't found women funny. It's because men only ever experience women in relation to men: they never get to see what women are like with one another. Shows like ours started to let men in on the joke. ~ Magda Szubanski

I've always liked dressing up. And I love a high heel - the higher the better. I just feel funny in flats. ~ Rachel McAdams

Certainly my films are cinematically unusual, and quite contemplative in their pacing compared to conventional films, but I think overall they are quite engaging, accessible, and even funny. ~ Jenni Olson

There's news that happens in different spheres and can be made just as funny, but it's not necessarily in the normal news medium. ~ Trevor Noah

What are you doing?"
"I'm, uh, acting normal."
"No you're not. You're acting like someone pretending to be normal. Stop pretending and start acting, but don't act like you're not pretending, that'll make it worse. ~ Derek Landy

Every single living thing is food to at least one living thing. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I see a trend here where the President seems to think his job is to count votes and then try to make a deal That's what we in legislatures do. Mr. Obama's job is to travel the country, fight for the values that he cares about. ~ Anthony Weiner

How did you do it?" I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. "How did you guide Sophie's soul? I thought you were a reaper."
"He's both," Nash said from behind me, and I turned just as he followed my father through the front door, pulling his long sleeves down one at a time. He and my dad had just loaded Aunt Val's white silk couch into the back of my uncle's truck, so he wouldn't have to deal with the bloodstains when he and Sohie got back from the hospital. "Tod is very talented."
Tod brushed the curl back from his face and scowled.
Harmony spoke up from the kitchen as the oven door squealed open. "Both my boys are talented."
"Both?" I repeated, sure I'd heard her wrong.
Nash sighed and slid onto the chair his mother had vacated, then gestured toward the reaper with one hand. "Kaylee, meet my brother, Tod. ~ Rachel Vincent

I'm an idiot. I'm ten times an idiot. God, I could just die." Then I forged ahead because the last comment was too close for comfort these days. "Not die die, as in not-breathing die, but die figuratively, if you know what I mean." Lee was grinning. ~ Kristen Ashley

Today 5:14 p.m.
"Mrrrrrowl. Mrrrrrowl."
"Ow! Ow, stupid cat! Ahem. You told me, 'stop calling, Isabelle,' but I'm not the one calling you. Church is calling you. Mine are merely the fingers that work the phone.
"See, here's something you may not have known before you committed your recent rash acts. Our cat, Church, and your cat, Chairman Meow? They're in love. I've never seen such love before. I never knew such love could exist in the heart of a ... cat. Some people say that love between two dude cats is wrong, but I think it's beautiful. Love makes Church happier than I've ever seen him. Nothing makes him happy like Chairman Meow. Not tuna. Not shredding centuries-old tapestries. Nothing. Please don't keep these cats apart. Please don't take the joy of love away from Church.
"Look, this is really just a warning for your own good. If you keep Church and Chairman Meow apart, Church will start to get angry.
"You wouldn't like Church when he's angry."
Beep ~ Cassandra Clare

If you can't win, make the one ahead of you break the record. ~ John McKeithen

Nature is a porno. Deal with it. ~ Craig Benzine

Kristin Bauer is so funny. Half the time I'm working with her I'm just trying to keep a straight face. ~ Rutina Wesley

The shooting of the guns, that was kind of funny, because rolling a cigarette and shooting a gun aren't like normal things for a 13-year old girl! ~ Hailee Steinfeld

When I was a kid, I used to watch 'Laurel and Hardy' with my cousins all the time. I still think they're extremely funny and so surreal. ~ David Chase

Funny term of disparagement, to call a woman a bitch. A bitch like you, Betsy, is worth nearly all the women I've met put together. ~ Agatha Christie

I often say if men were meant to fly we would have been born with either feathers and wings or at the very least parachutes that pop out of our butts. ~ John Zakour

Today I dialed a wrong number ... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ... They said, "Uh ... I don't think so ... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." ~ Steven Wright

Nick snorted. "Fine. Whatever. We've got to find him. If for no other reason, we don't need him to do something that could out himself in public."
"Yeah," Caleb said sarcastically. "They have laws against exposing yourself in public. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon