Humorous Epitaphs Quotes

Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia. ~ W.C. Fields

The Englishman never enjoys himself except for a noble purpose. ~ A.P. Herbert

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ... ~ Woody Allen

When you by nature subscribe to the view that everyone except yourself is a berk or a wanker, it is hard to bond with anybody in any rational common cause. ~ Lynne Truss

When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing ... ~ Hiroko Sakai

Are you going to be all right now?" Loki asked. He'd walked me over here, and he waited just inside the doorway.
"Yeah I'm great," I lied and sat on the bed. "The entire kingdom is falling apart. People are dying. I have to kill my father. And my husband just went crazy ~ Amanda Hocking

What I learn today I shall know forever. Whether or not I remember that I know it is a different story. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

I issued a number of denials to people I thought needed to hear them ~ William J. Clinton

He's sort of a homeless horse," I said.
"I'm leaving for the airport in two seconds, and I won't be back for a couple days. You can put the horse in the garage, but I don't want that horse in my apartment."
"Who would put a horse in an apartment? That's dumb."
"Where's the horse staying now?"
"My apartment."
"I can always count on you to brighten my day," Ranger said. And he disconnected. ~ Janet Evanovich

So what are you supposed to do with it?"
He eyed her incredulously. "For real? It's called a butt plug. What do you think you're supposed to do with it?"
She scratched her nose and nodded, trying not to let the apprehension show. "Okay. I'll do it. But if it hurts, just let me know and I'll take it out, stat. Don't be a hero."
He gaped at her and shook his head. "Aw, no. Sweetie. That's not for me. ~ Christine Bell

Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time. ~ Jim Rogers

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me. ~ Arthur Wellesley

Always take a compliment, even if it's not yours ~ Benny Bellamacina

The first thing that struck you about Claire's plate was its vast emptiness. Of course I'm well aware that, in the better restaurants, quality takes precedence over quantity, but there are voids and then there are voids. The void here, that part of the plate on which no food at all was present, had clearly been raised to a matter of principle.
It was as though the empty plate was challenging you to say something about it, to go to the open kitchen and demand an explanation. 'You wouldn't even dare!' the plate said, and laughed in your face. ~ Herman Koch

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

I know that not all my readers like my digressions, but the research that has been done on Caenorhabditis elegans is such a ringing triumph of science that you aren't going to stop me. ~ Richard Dawkins

Whoa ... don't go freaking out on me yet, he says with a smile, a smile I'm starting to have a real like and hate relationship with. ~ Brandy Nacole

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one. ~ Erma Bombeck

They'd paid some madman who thought he was a decorator a lot of money to make the place look hip and unique. Maybe it's my lack of fashion sense talking, but I thought they should have held out for one of these gorillas who has learned to paint. The results would have been of similar quality, and they could have paid in fresh produce. ~ Jim Butcher

Noronha's Laws

1. No man works harder than he must.
2. The joy of living, lies in making little things big.
3. Try never to do what you do not want to do. The secret of a happy old age is in never doing what you do not want to do. ~ R.P. Noronha

Oh, adorable, delicious Amelie. If I weren't so completely straight and enamored with cock, I would devour this sweet little tart. ~ Ella Dominguez

I wish I had the nerve not to tip. ~ Paul Lynde

Magnanimous of you.'
His mouth twitched. 'Mmm. Use more words like that, please. Schoolmistress words. Long, impressive ones.' He'd made the last three words sound like an innuendo. ~ Julie Anne Long

Hocus Pocus let's try to focus ~ Ellen Potter

I think she's too ignorant to be a witch. ~ Muriel Spark

Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism, are all very good words for the lips. ~ Charles Dickens

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails. ~ Dave Barry

Ladies who play with fire must remember that smoke gets in their eyes. ~ Mae West

Wow," says Peter, "when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems. ~ Adam Selzer

Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, 'Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair if it is going to be held against me. But that is your way. And I am not questioning your wisdomosity. In future, however, would it be possible for my life to be not so entirely crap? Thank you. ~ Louise Rennison

Do you honestly believe I would have instructed the man to pay attention to what I was saying if I'd known all the while that he is the King of Scotland? ~ Julie Garwood

I was voted Most Humorous in my senior class in high school, and I was a fan of comedy, my whole life. I never got into the horror genre, and action was fine, but I just loved comedy. Any comedy I could get my hands on, I would. I watched Saturday Night Live religiously. I've just been a fan of comedy, my whole life. ~ Rob Riggle

Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me. ~ David Mitchell

If the bonus army conquered Washington the lawyer had a boat hidden in the Sacramento River, and he was going to row upstream for a few months and then come back because they always needed lawyers after a revolution to straighten out all the legal side. ~ F Scott Fitzgerald

Does breakfast in bed count as a morning workout? ~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

Every gay man out there has at least one man-crush in his past that totally shriveled his nads into raisins and sent him screaming off into the night. ~ T.A. Webb