Epitaphs Ellegy Humor Quotes

-you know no one wanted to see the old boy go. I bet where ever he is, the fishing's good"
"Given his surely behavior, the fish might be fried where he is, ~ Robyn Carr

The story detailed all of his works, and then concluded in these words - 'And so he died, at the conclusion of an eminently useful life, and thus obtained his crown in Paradise.' " She paused, flexing her hands lightly on her knees. "There was something about that that appealed most strongly to me. 'An eminently useful life.' " She smiled at me. "I could think of many worse epitaphs than that, milady. ~ Diana Gabaldon

I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong. ~ Max Cummings

The only good hero is the kind who survives to talk about merchandising. ~ Simon R. Green

Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life. ~ Terry Pratchett

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part. ~ Brian Spellman

My indiscretion was a part of my author mystique, just like Charles Dickens and Richard Madeley. ~ Rosen Trevithick

I always wished for a life like the movies. I should have been more specific in my prayers for a romantic drama, not a slapstick comedy. ~ Jiji Tharayil

In times of crisis, it is of the utmost importance that one does not lose her head.
Marie Antoinette ~ Robert Asprin

Just about a month from now I'm set adrift, with a diploma for a sail and lots of nerve for oars. ~ Richard Halliburton

See, I'm a great believer in the power of negative thought. And in an age of affirmation, of self-help and self-love, of the rebirth of wide-eyed idealism and the power of positive thinking - I'm happy to be a champion of skepticism and doubt. That night, I rediscovered my role, my reason, and my rage. ~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

My mother read that parents should spend quality time with their children. One way is to sign up for organized activities together. This month we're taking meditation to free the mind. Last month it was Rolfing. Have you ever Rolfed, Tone?"
"Only after the school's shepherd's pie," I said. ~ Julie Anne Peters

The Scriven men wore stack-heeled boots and pearl-studded evening coats; the ladies in their vast skirts looked like mythical creatures, half woman, half sofa. ~ Philip Reeve

I get asked, 'How can you have such failures in your films?' Well, what else is life about? There's some sense of constant failure in something. Humor gives you a distance from it. ~ Alexander Payne

Er, excuse me,' said the man as Nanny Ogg turned away, 'but what is that on your shoulders?'
'It's. . . a fur collar,' said Nanny.
'Excuse me, but I just saw it flick its tail.'
'Yes. I happen to believe in beauty without cruelty. ~ Terry Pratchett

Don't let someone stealing your quotes ! ~ Achmad

I can talk for a long time only when it's about something boring. ~ Lydia Davis

For LOBELIA SACKVILLE-BAGGINS, as a PRESENT;' on a case of silver spoons… Bilbo believed that she had acquired a good many of his spoons, while he was away on his former journey. Lobelia knew that quite well. When she arrived later in the day, she took the point at once, but she also took the spoons. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

I've got everything ready to go," I said once he was finally awake and dressed.
All the tenderness and vulnerability was gone from his face when he said, "Go where?"
"America?"
His eyes narrowed. "This is America."
"This is Canada."
"Which is in North America."
Silly Canadians wanting be part of the Cool Kids Club. ~ Tammy Blackwell

What's that smell?"
I froze. What? Did I really smell so distasteful he had only to lean in my direction to catch a putrid whiff of me? I stayed the urge to break his freaking nose for pointing out my stinkiness.
He sniffed again. "I can't place it."
"How bad is it?" I asked, my cheeks heating.
"It's good. Some kind of flower."
My first thought: Hurray! I don't stink.
My second: Ohmygod! ~ Gena Showalter

If water was beer I'd be a teetotaler ~ Benny Bellamacina

Talk is cheap. Show me the code. ~ Linus Torvalds

No mind is thoroughly well-organized that is deficient in a sense of humor. ~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Their laughter was like the stridulation of the ghosts of grasshoppers. ~ John Collier

There is a great need for a sarcasm font. ~ Darynda Jones

I know the drill, Clark. But I'll be gone for four years. Will you just hold me tonight? Just spooning, no forking. ~ Cardeno C.

If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it could be a really ugly swan. ~ Timmothy Radman

In my youth, I was always one for the dramatic entrance. Now, in keeping with my character, I gravitate more toward the subtle and refined. Okay, with the occasional feathered serpent thrown in. ~ Jonathan Stroud

But let me just say that talking dirty is so important in sex. And it's pretty easy. To wit: establish from the very beginning that you like this. And trust me, you want to do it early on. Because if you wait too long to introduce the concept, your Special Lady Friend will be a little thrown and might not take you seriously. Think of it as a hat. If you never, ever wear a hat and one day you try to rock a fedora with a feather, all of your friends will be like, "Dude - why are you wearing a fucking fedora with a fucking feather?" You'll feel insecure and never wear it again. Now imagine that scenario, but in bed with your hardened dick out and it's your girlfriend saying, "Dude - why the fuck are you talking like that?" Not good. ~ Olivia Munn

To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, I wish I had known this some time ago. ~ Roger Zelazny

You gotta love an old-fashioned word like "quarrelsome." Today she'd just be a bitch. ~ Deb Caletti

Don't stop at the Ford's because they're at Gerald Flatt's," a short kid says in passing.
"Super dooper!" Granny's dentures clickity-clack. "Don't stomp on the Lord just because it's raining cats." She nods and adjusts her hearing aid. "Those are words to live by, little man! ~ Jenny B. Jones

Are you deliberately trying to waste our time," Hal asked in an icy voice, "or are you just being petty?"

"A little of both," said Azrael. ~ Mirriam Neal

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~ Mae West

Sometimes your own tongue can make you deaf and dumb. ~ Anirban Bose

Never underestimate the fury of an angry mother, Caspar. They're the most vicious creatures in the world. ~ Elizabeth Hunter

I am part of a minority that is deeply misunderstood. People have very confused ideas about us. Many are frightened of us. I've even heard it said that many people wouldn't want their daughters or sons to marry one of us, and I know of people who have been denied jobs or promotions because they share this trait with me. But being what I am does not make me bad; being what I am does not make me dangerous; being what I am does not mean I don't love, or hurt, or have a sense of humor. My name is Malclom Decter, and I'm here today to tell the whole world what I am ... I am an atheist. ~ Robert J. Sawyer

Since my earliest years I felt nothing but shame for the useless casing of flesh I inhabit. ~ Stephen Fry

Some smart alecs of those days after World War I used to say: The French fought for liberty, the British fought to control the seas, but the Americans fought for souvenirs. ~ Harry Truman

What kind of married couple uses a pole on their wedding night? ~ H.M. Ward

What about you? If I asked you ... would you turn me?"
Faith's eyes went wide. "Turn you into a vampire?"
"No, turn me into a frog. Could you do it?"
Faith finished her beer in one long swallow. "I might be able to, physically. But I wouldn't."
Miranda had known she would say that, but still, her heart sank. "Why not?"
She laughed. "Because my boss would kill me. ~ Dianne Sylvan

Hi honey, I'm home! Take your pants off! Wesley announced. He kissed my cheek as he passed me and put his lunch container in the sink. ~ J.M. Colail

I challenge you to find a more innocuous sentence containing the words sperm, suction, swallow, and any homophone of seaman. And then call me up on the homophone and read it to me. ~ Mary Roach

The polls indicated that I was feisty, that I was tough, that I had a sense of humor, but they weren't quite sure if they liked me and they didn't know whether or not that I was sensitive. ~ Geraldine Ferraro

Sometimes I find I'm wearing a divided, split brain in terms of drama and humor. ~ Ridley Scott

He said, I won't have one of those things in the house. It gives a young girl a false notion of beauty, not to mention anatomy. If a real woman was built like that she'd fall on her face.

She said, If we don't let her have one like all the other girls she'll feel singled out. It'll become an issue. She'll long for one and she'll long to turn into one. Repression breeds sublimation. You know that.

He said, It's not just the pointy plastic tits, it's the wardrobes. The wardrobes and that stupid male doll, what's his name, the one with the underwear glued on.

She said, Better to get it over with when she's young. He said, All right but don't let me see it.

She came whizzing down the stairs, thrown like a dart. She was stark naked. Her hair had been chopped off, her head was turned back to front, she was missing some toes and she'd been tattooed all over her body with purple ink, in a scrollwork design. She hit the potted azalea, trembled there for a moment like a botched angel, and fell.

He said, I guess we're safe. ~ Margaret Atwood

They've gone away from the classic [Harley Quinn] look in favor of a sort-of Rocky Horror on ice, cast member tripped and fell in some Daddy issues...thing ~ Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw

You and Dad are really the wrecking ball of all of our teenage runaway fantasies. Why couldn't you jerks go and be crack addicts or religious fanatics so we could have excuses to live on the wide open road? - email from Lily ~ Candace Allan