Funny Viral Quotes

Would you die if I wished hard enough? ~ Viral

As a kid I was the youngest member of my family, and the youngest child in any family is always a jokemaker, because a joke is the only way he can enter into an adult conversation. My sister was five years older than I was, my brother was nine years older than I was, and my parents were both talkers. So at the dinner table when I was very young, I was boring to all those other people. They did not want to hear about the dumb childish news of my days. They wanted to talk about really important stuff that happened in high school or maybe in college or at work. So the only way I could get into a conversation was to say something funny. ~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

I'm as happy as I can be-but I have been happier. ~ Ugo Ehiogu

It's funny how people can change your life without meaning to. Even the fucked-up, crazy people leave everything different when they go away. ~ Seanan McGuire

I hear sweets help these kind of things, too…" -Jared
"What kind of things is that?" -April
"I don't know." He shrugs before adding, "Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind."-Jared ~ Sheena Hutchinson

I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, Hey I'm going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate appliclation of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Sh*t; I kind of prefer being called a 'fat bitch.' At least it doesn't pull any punches. ~ Jen Lancaster

A fast note about Ice-T's autobiography: There's a section where he tells a story about hanging out with Flavor Flav that involves going to Red Lobster in a Ferrari. I suspect the phrase "going to Red Lobster in a Ferrari" is the most accurate description of Flavor Flav anyone will ever come up with. ~ Shea Serrano

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! ~ Dave Attell

Dombey and Son had often dealt in hides, but never in hearts. They left that fancy ware to boys and girls, and boarding-schools and books. Mr. Dombey would have reasoned: That a matrimonial alliance with himself must, in the nature of things, be gratifying and honourable to any woman of common sense. That the hope of giving birth to a new partner in such a house, could not fail to awaken a glorious and stirring ambition in the breast of the least ambitious of her sex. ~ Charles Dickens

I was performing my ritual of sipping tea, shooting flirtatious glances and planning murder ~ Mingmei Yip

Yesterday I was lying, today I am telling the truth. ~ Bob Arum

This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away aw fuckin nippy likes. Disnae cost nowt tae be social. A social worker thit cannae be fuckin social; that's nae good tae nae cunt, thon. Like a lifeguard thit cannae fuckin swim. Shouldnae be daein that kinday joab. ~ Irvine Welsh

We all looked at Shelton, who rolled his eyes. "Like my vote matters now."
Hi patted his back. "If it makes you feel better, your vote's never mattered."
"Hilarious." Shelton rubbed his face. "I hope my parole officer finds you as funny."
I sprang up and hurried for the exit, stopping Chance with a hand on his shoulder. "Give me a second alone with Ben. He's still worked up, probably needs a few minutes to decompress."
Chance's expression soured, but he held back.
Hi fired a shooter my way. "Good idea. We need him mission focused. Rodger dodger."
Shelton covered his face with his hands. "Enough already. ~ Kathy Reichs

It's a cold night out tonight. The Padres better warm up real good because it's stiff out there. ~ Jerry Coleman

One of the reasons why I liked living in Manhattan was that the city would share your mood the moment you walked out the door. If you were in a hurry, everything else was too, even the pigeons. You shared the same speed and sense of urgency to get wherever you were going.
When you had time to kill, it was happy to give you things to look at and do that easily took up whole days. I didn't agree with people who said Manhattan was a cold, indifferent town. Sure it was gruff, but it was also playful and sometimes very funny. ~ Jonathan Carroll

She began to curl her hair and long for balls ~ Jane Austen

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about. ~ Dave Barry

It takes the same effort to dream small or dream big. Dream big! ~ Mani Maran

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head. ~ Dennis Miller

Half of my life, I've had people staring at me because they think I'm funny-looking and ugly. The other half of my life, I've had people staring at me because they think I'm fascinating. Everything neutralises. It's more of a statement on society and how weird it is. ~ FKA Twigs

I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they want. They no longer feel like they need the fat bastard! ~ Ethan Day

What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me ~ Ana Claudia Antunes

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. ~ George H. W. Bush

I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile. ~ Adam Sandler

Today I dialed a wrong number ... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ... They said, "Uh ... I don't think so ... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." ~ Steven Wright

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Yeah, I had it all mapped out actually. Seriously. I wrote it down. I said, 'When I'm the head coach of the Eagles, I'm going to make sure I get that guy on my team.' And then guy next to me was like, 'You're only the offensive coordinator at New Hampshire.' I said, 'Don't worry about it. Minor details. But it's going to work.' ~ Chip Kelly

Funny how quickly the mind moves, but how slowly time does when you're in pain. ~ Josephine Angelini

I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. ~ Mary Wortley Montagu

America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation. ~ Laurence J. Peter

The funny thing is musicians often love to go to see visual art because you've got all these pictures to turn into metaphors. ~ Dar Williams

But what I don't like - and what I don't think either Seymour or Buddy would like, either, as a matter of fact - is the way you talk about all these people. I mean you don't just despise what they represent - you despise them. It's too damn personal, Franny. I mean it. You get a real little homicidal glint in your eye when you talk about this Tupper, for instance. All this business about his going into the men's room to muss his hair before he comes in to class. All that. He probably does - it goes with everything else you've told me about him. I'm not saying it doesn't. But it's none of your business, buddy, what he does with his hair. It would be all right, in a way, if you thought his personal affectations were sort of funny. Or if you felt a tiny bit sorry for him for being insecure enough to give himself a little pathetic goddam glamour. But when you tell me about it - and I'm not fooling, now - you tell me about it as though his hair was a goddamn personal enemy of yours. That is not right - and you know it. If you're going to to war against the System, just do your shooting like a nice, intelligent girl - because the enemy's there, and not because you don't like his hairdo or his goddam necktie. ~ J.D. Salinger

That was perfect. It was just the opposite from what I said yesterday. ~ Eugene Ormandy

Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don't look awful this time.
Me (Ilona): ...

~A little later~

Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*
Kid 1: Hey, you've got to see these pies. *opening the stove*
Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.
Kid 1: I know, right? ~ Ilona Andrews

Well, for me, it's the relationship between comedy and life - that's the edge I live on, and maybe it's my protection against looking at the tragedy of it all. It's seeing life in balance. Comedy and tragedy co-exist. You can't have one without the other. I'm of the school that anything can be funny, if seen from a comedic point of view. ~ Harold Ramis

I have the reports from Gemson and Boyd," Syn replied. His boots were up on the corner of his desk as he reclined back in his chair, skimming the contents of the file.

"How are they?" God asked. He removed his leather coat and draped it over the back of his chair.

"Detailed. Good," Syn answered. He brought his feet down and gave God a pointed look.

The big man shook his head, already knowing what Syn wanted. He wanted everything they knew about this case. Now.

"Alright Syn. Chill out. We're not used to you yet. But we know what it means to have a Sergeant on our team. You're the team's go to, and have just as much command and input regarding decision making as we do," Day responded as God stared. Day chuckled. "Tito was just as important as the other Jacksons."

Syn threw a pen at Day, which he dodged easily. Syn couldn't help but laugh at Day's fucked up comparison. "I'm no fucking Tito, shithead. ~ A.E. Via

There are moments of the most crazy all-encompassing joy. What a phenonenally beautiful kid. A funny, dear child. Kind and open and loving. ~ Elisa Albert

The funny part is, I felt like marrying her the minute I saw her. I'm crazy. I didn't even like her much, and yet all of a sudden I felt like I was in love with her and wanted to marry her. I swear to God I'm crazy. I admit it. ~ J.D. Salinger

I put on a big show when I write something I think is funny. ~ Judd Apatow

Accent is the last great redoubt of prejudice. The race relations industry, that inquisition of fairness and sensitivity, doesn't protect against discrimination by funny voice. You can mock an accent with impunity, and everyone does ~ A.A. Gill

They kiss.
The kiss that will change everything. Elliot will never have been happier than with this girl, funny, down to earth and bohemian, who dreamed of remaking the world as she ate her pizza.
And Ilena will never have felt more beautiful than through the gaze of this mysterious and appealing boy that fate had thrown in her path in such a strange way. ~ Guillaume Musso