Death Humor Quotes

Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn't entirely there.
Yᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇɴ'ᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Bᴀʏ Oғ Mᴀɴᴛᴇ, ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ? he said.
"No, sir," said Mort.
Fᴀᴍᴏᴜs sʜɪᴘᴡʀᴇᴄᴋ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ.
"Was there?"
Tʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ, said Death, ɪғ I ᴄᴀɴ ғɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀᴍɴ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ. ~ Terry Pratchett

I'd love to see the Iron Jackal's face when he finds out I'm already dead," he said with half a grin. "Now that's irony." "No it ain't, Cap'n. It's just some shit that happened. ~ Chris Wooding

Death was a cold and endless place. At least life served vodka. ~ Sonja Yoerg

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH, TWICE? - T-SHIRT ~ Darynda Jones

Where death gives you a sense of humour, life gives you a sense of love. ~ Athan Fletcher

Did you ever, think when the hearse passes by, that someday in it you will lie? ~ Kelly Braffet

Just know I am
Not there to catch you
But I am there for you ~ Caleb Warta

Like vacations back in Earth days when careers were a thing--an artificial moment sandwiched between dreams, reality and death. ~ Amy Tychell

I know what you're gonna think, what you're gonna ask. Percy Jackson, why are you hanging from a Times Square billboard without your pants on, about to fall to your death? ~ Rick Riordan

Cake and tea or death? ~ Eddie Izzard

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? ~ Woody Allen

This showed once again that everyone had something different to lose in this battle. Some were concerned for their lives, and some for those they cared most about: rays, sea horses, even the chickens that ran free in the streets of the city because they couldn't all be caught in time. ~ Kai Meyer

I'm gonna kill him," Eve said, or at least that was what it sounded like filtered through the pillow.
Stake him right in the heart, shove garlic up his ass, and-and-"
And what?" (Michael)
When did you get home?" Claire demanded.
Apparently just in time to hear my funeral plans. I especially like the garlic up the ass. It's ... different. ~ Rachel Caine

Death, I had discovered long ago, was available in varying flavors, and none of them particularly palatable. ~ Jasper Fforde

And why does it smell like something DIED in the mud and is STILL in there rotting? ~ Rachel Renee Russell

A tip for increased sales or in situations of life or death: Try to always refer to the lady as Miss. or Ms. Using the term: Ma'am could piss her off. ~ Ginnetta Correli

That's it then. This is how it ends. I haven't even read Proust. ~ James Turner

It would be especially comforting to believe that I have the answer to the question, What happens when we die? Does the light just go out and that's that - the million-year nap? Or will some part of my personality, my me-ness, persist? What will that feel like? What will I do all day? Is there a place to plug in my laptop? ~ Mary Roach

I don't wanna be the joker who makes eyes full of tears in the end ~ Ags Orachimaruu

Man. Being mostly dead is hard on a guy. ~ Jim Butcher

Two puzzles that cannot be solved:
The miracle of birth and misery of death. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

If those birds hadn't been so stupid, so incapable of learning that human beings were dangerous, the first settlers would almost certainly have starved to death. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Just being alive should make you late for everything. In case you've never noticed, the dead are always on time. ~ Arlene Ang

Anything designed to be inoffensive isn't worth your time
life itself is pretty offensive, ending as it does with death. ~ Holly Lisle

So, what do you do for a living? You may be sorry you asked. ~ Don Alesi

If Life flashes before your eyes just before you die ... mine will be wearing a trench coat ~ Josh Stern

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. ~ Mark Twain

Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time. ~ Neil Gaiman

I would have had to kill him, and Death, you know, keeps secrets better even than a guilty Roman. ~ Lew Wallace

Injun Joe studied the body for a moment, his eyes sad. Then he said, "I'd rather go in my sleep, I think." He glanced back at me. "What about you?"
"I want to be stepped on by an elephant while having sex with identical triplet cheerleaders," I said. ~ Jim Butcher

The dead know everything but they don't give a damn. ~ Joanne Harris

The past you lost is just like a dream. As you woke up new life
starts. So, your actual birthday will be your death day. ~ A.G Sorachi

My sister, Judy, has always said that she would like to lie in state, propped up in her coffin with her eyes blared wide open, face fixed in a big grin, and have a taped greeting for all her mourners. Something real upbeat and, well, live-sounding, like: 'He-e-e-ey!Cuteshoestellyomamahi! ~ Jill Conner Browne

Next time you wish to feed me poison, warn me first, Loor demanded. (The Merchant of Death) ~ D.J. MacHale

Being dead is highly overrated. It's no fun at all.
Mythe: A Fairy Tale ~ P.J. Gordon

When we are dealing with death we are constantly being dragged down by the event: Humor diverts our attention and lifts our sagging spirits. ~ Allen Klein

Don't be afraid, be terrified ~ Christopher Pike

I WAS NOT EXPECTING A NAC MAC FEEGLE TODAY, said Death. OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE WORN PROTECTIVE CLOTHING, HA HA. ~ Terry Pratchett

His mind's always on something else. He'd live in a ratty cardigan, and he's always worrying holes in the pockets of his pants. He can never seem to find his wallet or anything in the refrigerator. And just when you think he's not paying any attention to what you're saying or doing, he comes up with exactly the right answer or solution."", [J.D. Robb, Celebrity In Death""People""who expect perfection in a mate miss a lot of fun - and sweetness.", [J.D. Robb, Celebrity In Death] ~ J.D. Robb

I don't know whether to be proud or appalled that danger, blood and death inspire you so. ~ Samantha Young

Got it. Demon. Death. Doom. ~ Kami Garcia

I got out on the street and started crying the kind of hysterical tears made justifiable only by turning off one's cell phone, putting it to the ear, and pretending to be told of a death in the family. ~ Sloane Crosley

We should do something," I said.
"Can the something be play blind-guy video games while sitting on the couch?"
"Yeah, that's just the kind of something I had in mind."
So we sat there for a couple hours talking to the screen together, navigating this invisible labyrinthine cave without a single lumen of light. The most entertaining part of the game by was far trying to get the computer to engage with us in humorous conversation:
Me: "Touch the cave wall."
Computer: "You touch the cave wall. It is moist."
Isaac: "Lick the cave wall."
Computer: "I do not understand. Repeat?"
Me: "Hump the cave wall."
Computer: "You attempt to jump. You hit your head."
Isaac: "Not jump. HUMP."
Computer: "I don't understand."
Isaac: "Dude, I've been alone in the dark in this cave for weeks and I need some relief. HUMP THE CAVE WALL."
Computer: "You attempt to ju - "
Me: "Thrust pelvis against cave wall."
Computer: "I do not - "
Isaac: "Make sweet love to the cave."
Computer: "I do not - "
Me: "FINE. Follow left branch."
Computer: "You follow the left branch. The passage narrows."
Me: "Crawl."
Computer: "You crawl for one hundred yards. The passage narrows."
Me: "Snake crawl."
Computer: "You snake crawl for thirty yards. A trickle of water runs down your body. You reach a mound of small rocks blocking the passageway."
Me: "Can I hump the cave now?"
Computer: "You cannot jump ~ John Green

It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen. ~ Terry Pratchett

I mean, how does that crazy preacher know where the dead go and how the hell does he know the dead like being there? He's trying to make it sound like the only reason we get born is to bite the dust ~ Vera Jane Cook

I liked the idea of bouncy, open-air Jeeps and I liked the outfits with all the pockets, only I didn't really want to live in Africa and be shot by poachers/get malaria/get stabbed to death. ~ Deb Caletti

He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower. ~ Terry Pratchett

I already know how I'm going to die"..."How?" I asked. "Spider bite. Or being sarcastic at the wrong time. ~ Abby Jimenez

No man should go to Valhalla with brothel rash. ~ Mark Lawrence

It was way too soon to feel my virginity was flirting with a sudden death. ~ Vera Jane Cook

Where is Polonius?
HAMLET
In heaven. Send hither to see. If your messenger find him not there, seek him i' th' other place yourself. But if indeed you find him not within this month, you shall nose him as you go up the stairs into the lobby. ~ William Shakespeare

I say the same thing about the death of James Wait. Oh, well
he wasn't going to write the Beethoven's Ninth Symphony anyway. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Do you know how wizards like to be buried?"
"Yes!"
"Well, how?"
Granny Weatherwax paused at the bottom of the stairs.
"Reluctantly. ~ Terry Pratchett

The earth is a far a better place, now that she's beneath it. ~ Richard Laymon

Anyway, lots of warrior tribes think that when they die, they go to a heavenly land somewhere," said the toad. "You know, where they can drink and fight and feast forever? So maybe this is theirs."
"But this is a real place!"
"So? That's what they believe. Besides, they're only small. Maybe the universe is a bit crowded and they have to put heavens anywhere there's room? I'm a toad, so you'll appreciate that I'm having to guess a lot here. ~ Terry Pratchett

R is a velocity of measure, defined as a reasonable speed of travel that is consistent with health, mental well-being, and not being more than, say, five minutes late. It is therefore clearly as almost infinite variable figure according to circumstances, since the first two factors vary not only with speed as an absolute, but also with awareness of the third factor. Unless handled with tranquility, this equation can result in considerable stress, ulcers, and even death. ~ Douglas Adams

DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH. ~ Terry Pratchett

You know because you've been it, and I know because I'm dead and it gives one such a wonderfully uncluttered perspective. ~ Douglas Adams

Any film which views the darker side of life, which is death with a sense of humor, is very much to my taste. ~ Carter Burwell

Our Constitution is in actual operation; everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes. ~ Benjamin Franklin

I take this continent with me into the grave. ~ Ray Bradbury

If you Have ever Fainted, You Are a stranger in the land of the dead! ~ Antoni Omeihe

Yes, Bastille. I keep trying to get killed because it's inconvenient for you. ~ Brandon Sanderson

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore. ~ Garrison Keillor

So, sweeting, why were you threatening to throw Tate out of the house? What did he say?"
Leather brushed her chin as he tipped it up. Serious dark eyes met hers. "What did he say?"
She glanced around; surely the footmen were too far away to hear. "He wanted to join us in our bed."
"I'll run him through."
"No! Perhaps he only said it to goad you into a duel. Perhaps it was intended as a way to kill you."
"It was an insult to you, love. That can't be ignored."
"And so you rush inexorably toward death. I don't care if he stands on a Drury Lane stage and calls me a courtesan, I won't have you risking your life. ~ Sharon Page

Humor won't save you; it doesn't really do anything at all. You can look at life ironically for years, maybe decades; there are people who seem to go through most of their lives seeing the funny side, but in the end, life always breaks your heart. Doesn't matter how brave you are, or how reserved, or how much you've developed a sense of humor, you still end up with your heart broken. That's when you stop laughing. In the end there's just the cold, the silence and the loneliness. In the end there's only death. ~ Michel Houellebecq

He died a modern death, in hospital, ... after medical science had prolonged his life to a point where the terms on which it was being offered were unimpressive. ~ Julian Barnes

I wonder why the dead can't talk, look at all the crimes we'd solve if the damn dead would just Ouija board us our answers, or tell all those weird psychic people who killed 'em. ~ Vera Jane Cook

Dead. Never been that before. Not even once. ~ Jasper Fforde

Those who say that I am being punished are saying that god can't think of anything more vengeful than cancer for a heavy smoker. ~ Christopher Hitchens

You know, at least Gabriel showed up announced like a gentleman. He even told Mila that she looked beautiful. You and your toothpick just show up, scaring me half to death. ~ Skyla Madi

YOU'RE ONLY PUTTING OFF THE INEVITABLE, he said.
That's what being alive is all about. ~ Terry Pratchett

Look at the stupid, poor people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people, look at their dead baby. It's death porn for the masses. ~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Deader than four o'clock. ~ Hunter Murphy

But he said to his wife, sitting next to him on the couch in the TV room, that rarely had he seen a funeral at which it seemed like almost nobody in attendance had any idea why they were there. His wife, who had heard things like this from him before, reminded him of a ceremony he had presided over only a few months ago about which he had had the same reaction. 'Oh right,' the minister said. 'Yes. That one was much worse.' He leaned down to the coffee table and picked up the remote. ~ Mark Wallace

Hey police? I just saw the world's oldest, slowest kid climbing into Pleasantview Cemetery. Looked like he was dying to get in. Yeah, looked like a grave matter to me. Kidding? Oh no, I'm in dead earnest. Maybe you ought to dig into it. ~ Stephen King

Then she declared loudly, "Smoke break!" and everyone's eyes came to us, some of them shocked seeing as these days you could light up a doobie and no one would blink but if you lit up a smoke, you courted being publicly stoned to death. ~ Kristen Ashley

If you can kill it, or it can kill you, it's real. ~ Laini Taylor

Someone dying asks if there is life after death. Yes, comes the answer, only not yours. ~ E.L. Doctorow

I would have killed myself years ago if it weren't for the fact that I'm pretty sure death is the only thing more terrible than life. ~ Alex Sargeant

Stanley always followed the rules. All sorts of things could go wrong if you didn't.
So far he'd done 1:Upon Discovery of the Fire, Remain Calm.
Now he'd come to 2: Shout 'Fire!' in a Loud, Clear Voice.
'Fire!' he shouted, and then ticked off 2 with his pencil.
Next was: 3: Endeavour to Extinguish Fire If Possible.
Stanley went to the door and opened it. Flames and smoke billowed in. He stared at them for a moment, shook his head, and shut the door.
Paragraph 4 said: If Trapped by Fire, Endeavour to Escape. Do Not Open Doors If Warm. Do Not Use Stairs If Burning. If No Exit Presents Itself Remain Calm and Await a) Rescue or b) Death. ~ Terry Pratchett

I want to commit suicide but am afraid someone will think I am crazy. ~ Carl White

Niko popped a spare slice of bacon in his mouth, chewing it up contentedly. "I hate being a soul, being dead. You know what I hate most about it?"
"No sex?" Sophie guessed.
"That's what I hate second most about it. No, what I hate most is - "
"That you can't lie," Adrian cut in.
Niko lifted his eyebrows at him, impressed. "You do know me. Exactly right."
"And no bacon," Freya added. ~ Molly Ringle

I'd heard that if you saw a Reaper, you saw what you expected to see, what you thought the agents of Death would look like. Personally, I wanted to see little, fuzzy pink bunnies, but apparently my subconscious visualized tall, scary, and skeletal. My subconscious and I needed to have a long talk. ~ Lisa Shearin

So if there is something on the planet that is worth living for, I'd better not miss it, because once you're dead, it's too late for regrets, and if you die by mistake, that is really, really dumb. ~ Muriel Barbery

But I think I want to become part of Scotland when I die. In a coffin, you just turn to dust, so I would prefer to be buried in a wicker casket, or in a sheet like the Africans do, so that I actually become part of the earth. I would like a tree to be planted on top of me.

And I told my wife Pamela a long time ago the epitaph that I want on my gravestone: Jesus Christ, is that the time already?
Failing that, I would like an epitaph in writing so tiny that visitors would have to inch right next to my gravestone to read it. It would say: You're standing on my balls. ~ Billy Connolly

You know, in some cultures, when you save someone's life, you're then responsible for it."
Allison thought about telling him she'd seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered her own bit of nonsense. "In some cultures, saving a life is considered an interference with fate and is punishable by death. ~ Elle Todd

Nobody seems to understand that in such matters the tact and sympathy should come from the one who is about to die, not the poor bugger who has to take the news. ~ Stephen Fry

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. ~ Steven Wright

I know time fly's Hell I'll be dead before I know it ... ~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

Ain't no decent woman ever had that many husbands to die from natural causes. ~ K. Martin Beckner

Good thing we weren't here when this happened," Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones! ~ Jo Ann Yhard

Either this wallpaper goes, or I do. ~ Oscar Wilde

Becca run!" Maddox yelled.
"Becca? Who is Becca?" Valoria asked, Barnabas, Sienna, and Camilla were now up to their shoulders in the mud.
"Oh, that's just another name he likes to call me, now and then" Barnabas called out. "Adorable, yes? Sorry my young friend, but I can't run at the moment. I'm busy sinking to my death. ~ Morgan Rhodes

If a shred of integrity fell into your soul, it would die a very lonely death. ~ Jasper Fforde

Later in the morning Saul tried to die. ~ Ray Bradbury

All my life, I have taken satisfaction in finishing things in order that I may experience a sense of achievement, regardless of whether the thing was really worth achieving. ... Death, I suspect, will likely be unsatisfying because I will no longer be present to feel the achievement thereof. ~ Kathleen Rooney

Immortality like this is about as useful as sunscreen on a submarine. ~ Elizabeth Marx

Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas. ~ Jasper Fforde

What is the matter with you?" asked Shcherbatsky.
"Nothing much, but there is little to be happy about in this world."
"Little? You'd better come with me to Paris instead of going to some Mulhausen or other. You'll see how jolly it will be!"
"No, I have done with that; it is time for me to die."
"That is a fine thing!" said Shcherbatsky, laughing. "I am only just beginning to live."
"Yes, I thought so too till lately; but now I know that I shall soon die."
Levin was saying what of late he had really been thinking. He saw death and the apprroach of death in everything; but the work he had begun interested him all the more. After all, he had to live his life somehow, til death came. Everything for him was wrapped in darkness; but just because of the darkness, feeling his work to be the only thread to guide him through the darkness, he seized upon it and clung to it with all his might. ~ Leo Tolstoy