Aussie Humour Quotes

You look great, he said. Oh, get fucked, she said, grinning. ~ Tim Winton

I mean to say, really, I am near to developing a neurosis - is there anyone around who doesn't want to study or kill me?"
Floote raised a tentative hand.
"Ah, yes, thank you, Floote."
"There is also Mrs Tunstell, madam," he offered hopefully, is if Ivy were some kind of consolation prize.
"I notice you don't mention my fair-weather husband."
"I suspect, at this moment, madam, he probably wants to kill you."
Alexia couldn't help smiling. "Good point. ~ Gail Carriger

I said alone!"
He nodded in agreement. "Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It's our way. ~ Kresley Cole

Is your name even David?' I asked as I yanked my panties back on.
'Is yours Melanie?' he inquired, buttoning his jeans.
'I asked first,' I countered, wondering for the umpteenth time why being an idiot came so easily to me. ~ Robyn Peterman

I'm a fucking starship; I'm allowed to cheat. ~ Iain M. Banks

You don't want him," she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis."
The girls stared. "Syphilis?"
"Five percent of people in America have it," said Ty helpfully.
"I do not have syphilis," Mark said angrily. "There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!"
"Sorry," Jules said. "You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain. ~ Cassandra Clare

It's a popular fact that 90 percent of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong ... It is used. One of its functions is to make the miraculous seem ordinary, to turn the unusual into the usual. Otherwise, human beings, faced with the daily wondrousness of everything, would go around wearing a stupid grin, saying "Wow," a lot. Part of the brain exists to stop this from happening. ~ Terry Pratchett

I have to share a room. I am expected to sleep mere meters from a woman whose mental ailment is unknown to me. For all I know she might be a cannibal. ~ Emily R. Austin

I'm uncommon fond of reading, too."

"Are you, Joe?"

"On-common. Give me," said Joe, "a good book, or a good newspaper, and sit me down afore a good fire, and I ask no better. Lord!" he continued, after rubbing his knees a little, "when you do come to a J and a O, and says you, 'Here, at last, is a J-O, Joe,' how interesting reading is!"

I derived from this, that Joe's education, like Steam, was yet in its infancy. ~ Charles Dickens

Two hours later, a noise resembling a hippo rolling along a corrugated iron roof shook Jane from her doze and Rob bursts through the living room door. ~ Dougie Brimson

If you tell me I'm sensible in addition to normal and wise, I'm going to punch you in the stomach. ~ J.D. Robb

Mary was bigger than Laura, and she had a rag doll named Nettie. Laura had only a corncob wrapped in a handkerchief, but it was a good doll. It was named Susan. It wasn't Susan's fault that she was only a corncob.

Sometimes Mary let Laura hold Nettie, but she only did it when Susan couldn't see. ~ Laura Ingalls Wilder

Because you were wearing a badge, customers assumed you were an oracle.
'What aisle is the desiccated coconut'
'How long do you cook a butternut squash?'
'What would you have with a pan fried red mullet?'
'Where can I find the holy grail?' Enough already! Some people obviously misread the 'Here to help' as 'Hello I'm your bitch! ~ Alan Carr

THE GHOULS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND. THE GHOULS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, ALL OVER TOWN! ~ P.J. Bracegirdle

One evening, Mike Myers and Steven Spielberg were discussing 'Goldmember,' and I just happened to joke, 'If you need a Japanese character, let me know!' The next day, they called me for audition! I find it's always helpful to maintain a sense of humour. ~ Nobu Matsuhisa

At the bottom of the hill they came out of the trees to a busy street and Antwan said, "We cross here."
"Ain't no lights here," Antwan said. "Just look out for the ones trying to hit you. There's a nice-looking blonde-haired female human lives around here - any time she sees me she tries to run me down. ~ Elmore Leonard

It's all very well to talk like that," said Mr. Rafiel. "We, you say? What do you think I can do about it? I can't even walk without help. How can you and I set about preventing a murder? You're about a hundred and I'm a broken-up old crock. ~ Agatha Christie

CUSTOMER (to their friend): God, the Famous Five titles realy were crap, weren't they? Five Go Camping. Five Go Off in a Caravan ... If it was Five Go Down To a Crack House it might be a bit more exciting. ~ Jen Campbell

Hopeless. Freak. Elephant. Pitiful ~ Donna Cooner

There's meaning in thy snores. ~ William Shakespeare

Who is Incredible Hulk ?
..A monster man who took "Go Green" too seriously. ~ Gaurav Rao

Never underestimate the power of a well-placed apostrophe. ~ Holly Smale

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee.
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B? ~ Spike Milligan

You groped my bum!"
"It was an accident."
"It was not. You haven't done anything accidental with that hand since you were twelve."
"Fifteen, Mabes. You make me sound like some kind of infant sex prodigy. ~ Lily Morton

Blasted spam pigeons! ~ Kate Beaton

I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds. ~ Quentin Crisp

I wanted to give you advice. Adults are always doing that; it's one of their occupational hazards. ~ Maia Wojciechowska

Crown Prince Rupprecht, the heir to the throne of Bavaria who commanded the army group facing the British at the Somme, was the senior direct lineal heir of James Stuart, the Old Pretender of 1715. Had there been any Jacobites left in Britain in 1916, they would have had to regard this south German prince as their rightful king. ~ David Frum

I? KILL? said Death, obviously offended. CERTAINLY NOT. PEOPLE GET KILLED, BUT THAT'S THEIR BUSINESS. I JUST TAKE OVER FROM THEN ON. AFTER ALL, IT'D BE A BLOODY STUPID WORLD IF PEOPLE GOT KILLED WITHOUT DYING, WOULDN'T IT? ~ Terry Pratchett

Do you know what I think about crying? I think some people have to learn to do it. But once you learn, once you know how to really cry, there's nothing quite like it. I feel sorry for those who don't know the trick. It's like whistling or singing. ~ Anne Rice

In three hundred feet, turn right, Darth Vader said. The Darth Vader. I felt like we were friends now. Like I could tell him anything. ~ Darynda Jones

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher) ~ Frankie Boyle

I don't think I've ever seen you without braids. I thought your hair just grew that way. ~ Maureen Johnson

I make jokes about it, but it's the truth that I kind of patterned my look after the town tramp. I didn't know what she was, just this woman who was blond and piled her hair up, wore high heels and tight skirts, and, boy, she was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen. Momma used to say, "Aw, she's just trash," and I thought, That's what I want to be when I grow up. Trash. ~ Dolly Parton

How could you receive a member of the Male Sex in your bedroom, and in your dressing gown?Sir, I must request you to leave immediately!"
"You don't mean to tell me that's a dressing gown?" interrupted Mr Carlton, a dangerous gleam in his eyes." Well, it's by far the most elegant one I've ever been priviledged to see, and I suppose I must have seen scores of 'em in my time-paid for them too! ~ Georgette Heyer

Nothing is
eternal.
Everything else
is not. ~ Will Advise

THE CURIOUS THING was that Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr and Blogspot, a media platform owned by Google, were the stomping grounds of self-styled intellectual and social radicals. It was where they were talking. It was where, they believed, the conversation was shifting.
They were typing morality lectures into devices built by slaves on platforms of expression owned by the Patriarchy, and they were making money for the Patriarchy. Somehow this was destroying the Patriarchy.
So there is always hope. ~ Jarett Kobek

Who says vanquish anymore?" Moog breathed.
People who vanquished things, Clay supposed. ~ Nicholas Eames

It is better to be first with an ugly woman than the hundreth with a beauty. ~ Pearl S. Buck

When you reach the middle of your career ladder, turn it the other way around and slide down to the top ~ Benny Bellamacina

I had made an early policy decision to drink the native beer despite the undoubted horrors of the process of fabrication. On my very first visit to a Dowayo beer party, this was put severely to the test. "Will you have beer?" I was asked. "Beer is furrowed," I replied, having got the tones wrong. "He said 'yes' ", my assistant replied in a tired voice. They were amazed. No white man, at this time, had ever been known to touch beer. Seizing a calabash, they proceeded to wash it out in deference to my exotic sensibilities. They did this by offering it to a dog to lick out. Dowayo dogs are not beautiful at the best of times; this one was particularly loathsome, emaciated, open wounds on its ears where flies feasted, huge distended ticks hanging from its belly. It licked the calabash with relish. It was refilled and passed to me. Everyone regarded me, beaming expectantly. There was nothing to be done; I drained it and gasped out my enjoyment. Several more calabashes followed. ~ Nigel Barley

They walked out into the first morning after the apocalypse - a day that had just barged in sweaty and unkempt like a late commuter, asking, Anything happen while I was out? ~ Edgar Cantero

Besides, take away self-interest and you condemn the species to extinction, that's my motto! ~ X

I smiled at him, "It's okay, boys can be dumb."
Alex smirked, "Yeah, and girls can drive you crazy. ~ Joanne McClean

Oh my gods. The alpha of Clan Cat just got smacked with a rolled-up newspaper.
Mom! ~ Ilona Andrews

Yeah, yeah, whatever. I have great taste in music, we can listen to Justin Bieber and Black Eyed Peas and Nickelback all day long! ~ Salifiable

That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant."
"Well, the elephant started it."
"That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up."
-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock ~ Howard Tayler

You're not fat unless you're bigger outwards than upwards. Anyway, better fat than tall. ~ T.J. Dixon

I'm a post-menopausal woman who's lived in a man's world for twenty years. A more cynical, cruel creature it's hard to find. ~ Mo Hayder

Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography. ~ Terry Pratchett