Howard Tayler Quotes

Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.

Now, let's hear some properly terrified screaming, puny humans!

That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant."
"Well, the elephant started it."
"That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up."
-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock

Is it really 'pro bono' if a lawyer takes your case in exchange for explosives?
-Captain Hartung

They're holding flushes of face cards, and I think we're the pot.

The way you blunder from one catastrophe to the next, it's a wonder the whole galaxy doesn't hate you.
The galaxy is a big place, General. You provincial military types don't get far enough out to really see that.
-General Tagon & Captain Kevyn Andreyasn

When I find the guy who torched that forest, I'm going to eat him. And I'm only going to half-cook him first.
-Sergeant Schlock

Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.
Munitions Commander? Why me?
I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn

New orders: Make sure everybody who doesn't want to live here is aboard in five minutes. We are leaving.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn

This document outlines our plan to perpetrate insurance fraud, insider trading, and character assassination.
... hopefully tripling our paycheck on this job.
Okay, see? Those words I understand just fine. Use them more often.
-Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain Tagon

Captain, I'm fairly unique among artificial intelligences. I am FREE.
I work for you because I want to.
I fly your ship for you because I enjoy it.
I am compelled to accept orders only by my conscience.
This makes me an equal with the rest of your troops. They aren't hard-wired to obey you, yet they'll follow you to the ends of the Universe.

You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being."
"It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.

Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.

Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.

Are you guys really arguing over where to eat dinner?"
"It's one of the more savage tools in the diplomatic arsenal.

Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.

We either need an overwhelming force advantage, or we need more information."
"Reinforcements cut into our bounty, remember?"
"It's unanimous. We need more information.

The size of the promised paycheck is inversely proportional to the likelihood of surviving to collect it.

You know ... confessing to avoid prosecution is a time-honored strategy.
I don't want to be honored with time. Honor me with "slap-on-the-wrist," or maybe even "scot free.

Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.
None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.

When the messenger arrives and says 'Don't shoot the messenger,' it's a good idea to be prepared to shoot the messenger, just in case.

Hi. I'm here to enlist.
You can't. You aren't human.
You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things."
Sounds like my kind of fun.
-Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs

Only cheaters prosper.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit.
-Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon

No! Wait! I've got a better idea ... "
"Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock."
"And your point is ... "
"Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'.

Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain.
Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body?
See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?
-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon

Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead "guilty" you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over."
"Not guilty."
"Also, it's not very nice to lie in court."
"But it beats extradition.

Being a mercenary, though ... Hey, we just go wherever there's a mixture of money and trouble, and everyone in the galaxy is a potential customer.
Even the people you're paid to shoot at?
Well, yeah. There are customers we serve, and customers we service.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn & General Tagon

How many words are you having trouble with, sir?"
"Just the ones that I've highlighted."
"I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph."
"That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.

Are you done briefing the company yet?"
"We, um ... Haven't gotten through the introductions yet."
"Allow me: Time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, this is the mercenary company "Tagon's Toughs."
"Company, this is the time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, who will have become your captain thirty-two hours from now, as of seven weeks ago.
Now, quick. Let's go save the galaxy while they're confused.

Do me a favor, doc?"
"Anything, Captain."
"Stop italicizing the word 'Captain' when you say it."
"Go easy on the fourth wall there, sir."
-Captain Andreyasn & Doctor Bunnigus

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Air traffic control is going to have a steamy old fit on your dime, boy.
They can get in line behind the police, the people whose cars we trashed, the Empire of Ob'enn, the Partnership Collective, and the Wormgate Corporation. Oh, and I think maybe some dark matter beasties from Andromeda.
You "think maybe"?
-General Tagon & Captain Andreyasn

Where's your sense of adventure? It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi. -Captain Tagon & Captain Andreyasn

A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.