Emily R. Austin Quotes

I asked a nurse for dental floss and was told that I am not allowed dental floss. Apparently dental floss can be used for several functions besides the maintenance of healthy gums. These apparently include self-harm. When instructed that I was not permitted dental floss because of "risks it raises associated with suicide" I envisioned a noose made entirely of floss. Realizing such a noose would require a dramatic amount of floss to effectively uphold any human person, I brought it to the attention of a nurse.

"I don't believe that even the most practiced engineers could fashion any functioning noose out of a single container of floss," I say.

"People use it to cut themselves," she explained.

"Oh," I replied.

I had just about come to terms with the no-floss rule until the hospital, in a flagrant display of disrespect for its patients, chose to serve us corn on the cob for lunch.

"Are you aware that we are not allowed dental floss?" I yelled at the nurse bringing me the corn. I then threw the corn violently from my plate into the nearest wall.

I have to share a room. I am expected to sleep mere meters from a woman whose mental ailment is unknown to me. For all I know she might be a cannibal.

The bus I am riding on must be on its way to a garbage convention. Never before has a more rancid assemblage of people congregated. I am at this moment privy to a momentous moment in the history of human smell. My name will probably be memorized by future students, preparing to answer this frequently asked exam question: Who demonstrated a supernatural ability to remain conscious on the most disgusting vehicle to ever disturb our debauched world?

As it turns out, my acceptance of the heroin addict's invitation to party may have been a case of poor judgement.