Akello Dangerfield Quotes

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me ... and no one showed up. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early". ~ Rodney Dangerfield

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". ~ Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?' ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield. ~ Jim Gaffigan

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came
back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

People seldom live up to their baby pictures. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I know what you want, darlin'. You go on and ask me nicely and you might just get it. ~ Eve Dangerfield

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark ... ' ~ Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu ... she bid me a don't. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now." ~ Rodney Dangerfield