Unintentionally Funny Quotes

You'll find my leg under the coffee table. ~ John Green

I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. ~ Tara Gilesbie

I glean a few times a week, and it's all about the subject line. I look for the lyrical, "Billowy Red Scarf Girl" or the funny, "Hipster Chick Who Passed Gas," the unintentionally funny, "Looking for the Hot Girl in Pink Dress," ones that immediately suggest images, "Furry Arms Under a Yellow Umbrella," or the plain odd, "Seeking Girl Who Bit Me Twice ... " I don't think I've ever abandoned one ... the images usually arrive fully formed in my head as soon as I read the message, and I decide whether to draw it or not. ~ Sophie Blackall

Jazz is capable of doing much more than depicting the dope fiend and the drunk and the slinky gal. In our show there are many very funny sequences where we were able to use jazz as it can be used-in a happy way. ~ Henry Mancini

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny. ~ Zach Galifianakis

Love is about bottomless empathy, born out of the heart's revelation that another person is every bit as real as you are. And this is why love, as I understand it, is always specific. Trying to love all of humanity may be a worthy endeavor, but, in a funny way, it keeps the focus on the self, on the self's own moral or spiritual well-being. Whereas, to love a specific person, and to identify with his or her struggles and joys as if they were your own, you have to surrender some of your self. ~ Jonathan Franzen

I think that comedy is a good defense for a child. Because you know childhood is a nightmare as it is. And so why not use comedy and being funny as a defense to get through your life as opposed to drugs, alcohol and good looks? Because those things are dangerous when your young. ~ Joy Behar

When we suggest victims can stop rape, we also (however unintentionally) imply that rape is an inevitable aspect of life rather than an action deliberately carried out by a perpetrator. ~ Laura Bates

I know you can do this. You're the person who revolutionized
garbage collection at Westview, remember? ~ Rachel Lynn Solomon

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. ~ Phyllis Diller

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles ~ Rodney Dangerfield

There was some sort of commotion going on outside, and I decided I'd had enough. I went to the door and stuck my head out. Marco was gasping for breath on the sofa, and two of the guards were bent over a cell phone.
"What are you doing?" I demanded.
"Trying to record this," the smart-ass from the shopping trip told me. "Nobody is going to believe us otherwise."
"Well, cut it out. It isn't funny!"
"On what planet?"
I glared at him, which did no good,because he simply went back to to tinkering with the phone. So I looked at Marco. "Can't you do anything with them?"
Marco flopped a hand at me, tears streaming down his reddened cheeks, and tried to say something. But all that came out for several moments were asthmatic wheezes. I bent over his prone form, starting to worry about him, and he put a hand on my neck and pulled me down.
" It ... is ... funny," he gasped. ~ Karen Chance

Russell?"
"Yeah! You got my back now?" Russell asks in a sour tone, looking over the railing from the tower above. "'Cuz one of them freaky demon things almost ate me after y'all left!"
"A Riser nearly ate you?" Reed asks with humor in his tone
"Yeah, whatever - it's not funny!" he calls down, sounding irritated. "Next time, I want Zee for my wingman."
"That is because I am the ultimate assassin," Zephyr replies from behind Reed. ~ Amy A. Bartol

Take time to be a butterfly. ~ Gillian Duce

It is a funny paradox of design: utility breeds beauty. There is elegance in efficiency, a visual pleasure in things that just barely work. ~ Ben Orlin

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible. ~ David Ogilvy

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. ~ Henny Youngman

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!' ~ Russell Howard

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed. ~ Kristen Ashley

I think it's funny. There was a time when men were afraid that somebody would reveal some secret of theirs that was unknown to their fellows. Nowadays, they're afraid that somebody will name what everybody knows. Have you practical people ever thought that that's all it would take to blast your whole, big, complex structure, with all your laws and guns - just somebody naming the exact nature of what you're doing? ~ Ayn Rand

I haven't been offered a lot of comedy. In theater, I've done quite a bit of comedy or dramas that included a lot of funny stuff. But in my TV work, those aren't the roles that I've been offered. ~ Mireille Enos

How am I supposed to believe you when you're obviously carrying a fake monogram Gucci Bag? ~ Madi Brown

Olympus has been a much welcomed return to my Shakespearean roots. King Aegeus demanded a much greater range and depth that I've yet had the opportunity to tap on camera. Lab Rats was a wonderful opportunity for me to just go be a goofy buffoon, which I love. It was exhilarating to listen to all the funny lines the writers would come up with on the spot and then get to play them immediately. ~ Graham Shiels

That's good," Hunter said, panting. "Keep grinning at your attacker like that and they'll think you're way creepy. And mental."
I grinned wider. "I totally love this. Who can I punch next? ~ Alyxandra Harvey

Holy shit! Can we say unstable? Was I the only sane one around here? Well, I guess that really wasn't setting the standard very high. -Ember, Darkness Of Light ~ Stacey Marie Brown

I wanted to thank you," I said.
She wrinkled her nose and squinted like I'd said something funny. "Thank me for what?" she said.
"You give me strength I didn't know I had,"; I said. "You make me better. ~ Ransom Riggs

I'm an Asian with a Southern accent. To a lot of people, that right there is funny. ~ Henry Cho

Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my turn, you know? You're not part of the team if you haven't been tortured- that's what I always say. Well, I'll be saying that from now on anyway. ~ Derek Landy

Normally, I try not to pay attention to my haters, but this time I'd like to talk about it, because my haters are my motivators. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother. ~ Rita Rudner

There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today, and four of them are Michael Schumacher. ~ Murray Walker

Everybody in the South loves the one closeted homosexual who's married. It's just too funny to not have in a movie about the South. It's an epidemic. You gotta represent! ~ Tate Taylor

Is it sad that my first thought happened to be: Thank God I'm off the treadmill. ~ Gena Showalter

If you're going to be a superhero, can I be your sidekick?" -April
"What?" -Grace
"The Dynamic Duo!" -April
"Um, I'm pretty sure sidekicks have to have super powers, too. -Grace
"Oh Yeah ... Okay, but you can always use an Alfred." April
"My Alfred?" -Grace
"Oh come on Please I can help you design gadgets and stuff. Oh! I can design you outfits for crime fighting!" -April
" *sigh* Okay. Sure. But no spandex" -Grace ~ Bree Despain

Being sexy is kind of funny to me. ~ Reba McEntire

It's funny how being an actor forces you to do things or go places that you wouldn't ordinarily. ~ Natalie Dormer

Jeff's attention is swiveling between the two of them like he's watching a game of tennis being played with a kitten's head instead of a ball. ~ Kate Sherwood

Success is a funny thing. It means different things to different people. For me, I am always pleased when people connect to our brand. It means we are executing in a manner that speaks to a wide variety of businesses. ~ John Varvatos

Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

He shrugged. "I have a stomach thing. Don't get close."
"Well, now you've spoiled everything," I said casually, working hard to fake it. "I was planning to seduce you in the broom closet." I pointed. "Right there."
A joyless smile appeared on Jamie's lips. "We are far too screwed-up for a goddamned love
triangle."
That's my Jamie. ~ Michelle Hodkin

If at first you don't succeed, lie, lie again. ~ Laurence J. Peter