Leno Quotes

They always say the Miss America Pageant isn't a beauty contest, it's really a scholarship program. If that's the case, why don't we just put all the contestants on Jeopardy! and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one. ~ Jay Leno

You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously. ~ Jay Leno

Jesse Jackson was involved in a three-car crash this weekend. I understand that no one was hurt, but I understand that two of the women in the other cars are now pregnant. ~ Jay Leno

At a press conference yesterday NASA announced that 2005 was the hottest year on record. It is so hot, and global warming is so bad, if the presidential election were held today, Al Gore would still lose. ~ Jay Leno

Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring. ~ Jay Leno

Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as "karma." The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings. ~ Jay Leno

Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988. ~ Jay Leno

President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating. ~ Jay Leno

A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40. ~ Jay Leno

Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie? ~ Jay Leno

On the island of By-the-Sea you could always smell two things: salt and magic. ~ Katrina Leno

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed. ~ Jay Leno

As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused. ~ Jay Leno

The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there's nothing worth fighting about. ~ Jay Leno

George W. Bush loves golf because it's like the election
low score wins. ~ Jay Leno

When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors. ~ Jay Leno

If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.' ~ Jay Leno

The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow. ~ Jay Leno

After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can't figure out if he's the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials. ~ Jay Leno

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up. ~ Jay Leno

John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg. ~ Jay Leno

Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box. ~ Jay Leno

Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table. ~ Jay Leno

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you. ~ Jay Leno

I'm a staunch Independant. Every time I think I am a Republican, they do something greedy, and every time I think I am a Democrat, they go and do someting stupid. ~ Jay Leno

Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous. ~ Jay Leno

Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger. ~ Jay Leno

Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells. ~ Jay Leno

I've lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch. ~ Jay Leno

President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, 'Joe Biden.' ~ Jay Leno

Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.' ~ Bill Engvall

That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They're in bed and she's says, 'In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.' ~ Jay Leno

John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name - because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not. ~ Jay Leno

Sen. Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright, and ... clean. I think we've seen the shortest presidential campaign in history. ~ Jay Leno

The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood. ~ Jay Leno

USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning. ~ Jay Leno

It happened again this week. Hundreds of people had to be evacuated from O'Hare Airport in Chicago. Seems every time somebody went through with a weapon, the metal detectors accidentally went off. ~ Jay Leno

The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War. ~ Jay Leno

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue. ~ Jay Leno

I did Jay Leno with Mike the Situation, and he just - he lives, like, ten minutes from me in Jersey. He's like, 'If you ever get a flat, call me. I'll come fix your tire.' That's how we do. That's neighborly, you know? ~ Queen Latifah

Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it. ~ Jay Leno

Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help. ~ Jay Leno

Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn't be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii! ~ Jay Leno

California Governor Gray Davis visited an elementary school here in Los Angeles where he taught a class. I don't want to say he was unpopular but the kids gave him a wedgie and stuffed him in a locker. ~ Jay Leno

President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person ... So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It's all the same. ~ Jay Leno

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee. ~ Jay Leno

When you work with your hands, you learn to appreciate how easy it is to earn money talking. ~ Jay Leno

Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky. ~ Jay Leno

Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He's the first wired president ... He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they're easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, 'OMG! WTF?' I mean, he couldn't believe it. ~ Jay Leno

Things in my life had a tendency to be there one minute, gone the next. ~ Katrina Leno

According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men. ~ Jay Leno

The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes. ~ Jay Leno

Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They're called campaign promises. ~ Jay Leno

It seemed that after he was killed, Gadhafi's body was stored at a commercial freezer at a shopping mall. It's one thing to hunt a guy down and shoot him twice in the head, but then to drag him to the mall? Come on, guys hate that. ~ Jay Leno

When we finally have this recall election in October, there could be as many as 200 people on the ballot. And you know what's really scary? Most of them don't know the first thing about driving a state into bankruptcy. They're not experts like Governor Gray Davis. ~ Jay Leno

Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants. ~ Jay Leno

Clinton vetoed the repeal of the marriage tax. I guess Bill figures if he's married, then we all have to suffer. ~ Jay Leno

If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me. ~ Jay Leno

Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn't know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom! ~ Jay Leno

You can't decide how much you
love people. It just happens. If you have to think about it, then it's not really real. ~ Katrina Leno

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it. ~ Jay Leno

American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold. ~ Jay Leno

A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now. ~ Jay Leno

President Obama's been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can't seem to be able to reach out to: Texas ... Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave? ~ Jay Leno

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street ~ Jay Leno

So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government? ~ Jay Leno

U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they're having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here's what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion. ~ Jay Leno

If politicians all told the truth, we'd be out of business. ~ Jay Leno

You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez. ~ Jay Leno

Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek professional help. ~ Jay Leno

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking. ~ Jay Leno

President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - "Safer, Stronger, and Tested." Isn't that a condom ad? ~ Jay Leno

Here's the latest from the Pentagon
the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News. ~ Jay Leno

When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you're on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night. ~ Jay Leno

One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat. ~ Jay Leno

More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he'd have to put in another one, and then another one, and then another one. ~ Jay Leno

Rick Perry was philosophical about (his election losses). He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states. ~ Jay Leno

Major heat wave in India - 122 degrees today. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to hear if their job is being outsourced to India. ~ Jay Leno

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser. ~ Jay Leno

President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we're learning from our mistakes. ~ Jay Leno

The Obama administration asked General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed. This is good news for Obama; the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months
and even then, he had to promise her a job as secretary of state ... According to the government, Rick Wagoner was forced to resign because of poor performance. That's embarrassing
run an organization that loses billions of dollars and then get fired by a guy who heads up an organization that loses trillions of dollars. ~ Jay Leno

A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month. ~ Jay Leno

One of the most painful things for me was Jay Leno, Jay Leno going back on the air and saying to people that it was a choice between his writing staff and his crew, I think that really hurt a lot of show runners, because it was never a choice between our writers and our crew. ~ Edward Allen Bernero

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal. ~ Jay Leno

So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America. ~ Jay Leno

President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It's about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida. ~ Jay Leno

I'll have to build a widow's walk," she said, and then she looked at Aggie and smiled so Aggie knew that she could smile, too, that the rest of their lives wouldn't be all sadness and loss. ~ Katrina Leno

You know what I'm doing for Easter? I'm gonna be hanging with my Peeps. ~ Jay Leno

After being compared to Jay Leno for so long, you don't think of yourself in that way. ~ Rumer

Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser. ~ Jay Leno

The Pennsylvania Game Commission has charged a man with going deer hunting with a handgun in a Wal-Mart parking lot. He is being charged with reckless endangerment, but may plead guilty to the lesser charge of being a redneck ... Hunting in a Wal-Mart parking lot. That's got to be some good eating - a deer that lives on leftover Twizzlers and Mountain Dew. ~ Jay Leno

And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses. ~ Jay Leno

A lot of American companies are now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell and Popeye's fried chicken. So, great, instead of oil for food, we're giving them oil in food. ~ Jay Leno

Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the 'Hardball' show that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He had a curvature of the spine. Apparently it curved too far to the left. ~ Jay Leno

According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back. ~ Jay Leno

Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning. ~ Jay Leno

President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed. ~ Jay Leno

John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the Senate. Nobody's going to look for him there. ~ Jay Leno

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples. ~ Jay Leno

I don't like goodbyes, NBC does. ~ Jay Leno