Latest Funny Quotes

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread. ~ Zach Galifianakis

You did all this," I breathe heavy with awe. "You gave them the courage to take a stand."
He shakes his head. "No. You did. You started all this," he leans in, his lips hot and warm breath tickling against my ear. "You gave me the strength," he sucks in a quick breathe and lets out a laughing exhale. "You gave me the strength to break free of all these ridiculous canons of public behavior."
I smile, partly because I find his sophisticated speech funny, but mostly because he makes my heart bounce.
I don't believe it was me who inspired all these people. It's obvious it was David. But I did manage to inspire. I inspired David and that's all it takes. It takes for just one person to make a stand, and another to be moved and inspired by that one brave act. Gravity takes care of the rest as the word spreads and everything falls into place. ~ David R. Torres

The Loopt mobile app is all about giving you the latest local deals and insider tips. ~ Sam Altman

One thing I've learned about vampires
they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

You know, sex at seventy-six is getting very dangerous for my health ... since I live at seventy-nine! ~ Kensington Gore

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?" ~ Steven Wright

I am who I am and I say what I think. I'm not putting a face on for the record. ~ Eminem

It's a funny old world. Once you realize that, you're halfway there. ~ Maeve Binchy

Bringing a pot plant to the office, I believe, is a sign of quite serious commitment. ~ Danielle Wood

I love writing with Adam Lambert. He's really funny and very fun, he's a great friend. ~ Bonnie McKee

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. ~ Paul Lynde

Learning should be a joy and full of excitement. It is life's greatest adventure; it is an illustrated excursion into the minds of the noble and the learned. ~ Taylor Caldwell

Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely ~ Will Rogers

But Wall Street people are in fact very smart; they're funny, they're not company men who work their way up the chain. ~ Paul Krugman

Amphibians are dying out like crazy, and frogs and salamanders may be largely extinct by the end of the twenty-first century. Imagine an animal that begins its life in the water, but ends it on land - already, that's pretty weird. But, also, a lot of them are incredibly tiny and look wildly improbable. They have funny little toes, they stretch their throats into weird bubble shapes when they croak, and some of them are poisonous to the touch. I think kids from the twenty-second century might mythologize amphibians the way kids today mythologize dinosaurs. ~ Annalee Newitz

These boys need women who can take the heat without meltin' like butter, and sometimes that heat is fiery. They need women who can give back their shit so they don't walk all over 'em and get bored out of their fucking skulls. And they need women who can go soft when the situation demands because they get hard knocks on a regular basis, sometimes literal y, and comin' home to somethin' soft is the only way to cope. ~ Kristen Ashley

I'm an R&B and Hip-Hop type guy. When I work out, which I do at least four or five times a week, I love to get the latest Hip-Hop because it really pumps me up and inspires me to get that workout on. ~ Morris Chestnut

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far. ~ Libba Bray

He once again pointed to that creepy theatrical smile. There were way too many teeth there. It made him look positively demented. ~ Richard E. Gropp

More you know, better advice you give. Less you know, more advice you give. ~ Gerry Geek

I had heard before that there were rumors I was gay. It's funny. My cousin gets his hair cut at this place, and one of the guys there told him that Scott Wolf was gay. He didn't realize that he was my cousin. ~ Scott Wolf

Peter is ... adjusting. He's back in school, and he's doing quite well. I wish you could find it in your heart to forgive him."
"I've got this funny resentful streak about people who try to kill me. ~ Josh Lanyon

Show some respect. They were your grandparents. -Batman
Just names and dusty frames on the wall to me. -Damien
I take exception to that. There is not a speck of dust collecting on those portraits. -Alfred ~ Peter J. Tomasi

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. ~ Mitch Hedberg

You have four guns."
"Someone must have stuck them on when I wasn't looking. ~ Brandon Sanderson

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. ~ Lewis Grizzard

I just plug in and let go. ~ Billie Joe Armstrong

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident! ~ Mitch Hedberg

Keep your hand on the helm. ~ Matthew Goldman

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

Love is about bottomless empathy, born out of the heart's revelation that another person is every bit as real as you are. And this is why love, as I understand it, is always specific. Trying to love all of humanity may be a worthy endeavor, but, in a funny way, it keeps the focus on the self, on the self's own moral or spiritual well-being. Whereas, to love a specific person, and to identify with his or her struggles and joys as if they were your own, you have to surrender some of your self. ~ Jonathan Franzen

Nothing is ever finished. It's a funny thing. I actually think that's really the more natural way of stories or songs. ~ Joseph Gordon-Levitt

It had been in a Paris house, with many people around, and my dear friend Jules Darboux, wishing to do me a refined aesthetic favor, had touched my sleeve and said, "I want you to meet-" and led me to Nina, who sat in the corner of a couch, her body folded Z-wise, with an ashtray at her heel, and she took a long turquoise cigarette holder from her lips and joyfully, slowly exclaimed, "Well, of all people-" and then all evening my heart felt like breaking, as I passed from group to group with a sticky glass in my fist, now and then looking at her from a distance (she did not look ... ), and listening to scraps of conversation, and overheard one man saying to another, "Funny, how they all smell alike, burnt leaf through whatever perfume they use, those angular dark-haired girls," and as it often happens, a trivial remark related to some unknown topic coiled and clung to one's own intimate recollection, a parasite of its sadness. ~ Vladimir Nabokov

Today I dialed a wrong number ... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ... They said, "Uh ... I don't think so ... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." ~ Steven Wright

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

My toughest fight was with my first wife. ~ Muhammad Ali

We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves. ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake. ~ Sylvester Stallone

But no one believes in that way what he reads in a novel ... Oh yes they do. If only to see themselves as wise and superior and humanistic, they need to think of us as sweet and funny, and convince themselves that they sympathize with the way we are and even love us. ~ Orhan Pamuk

The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit. ~ Rogers Hornsby

Funny songs, that's my ticket. I can't remember when it started or why it started, it's just something that I NEEDED. ~ Jack Black

Roan tried not to stare, but the guard's head was almost perfectly egg shaped. He wanted to ask him if he'd ever had a hen sit on him by mistake. ~ Andrea Speed

Not now, old woman," I tossed over my shoulder coldly. "I need sleep."
Funny. You didn't seem to need so much a few days ago."
I felt the blood drain from my face. I wasn't ready for this confrontation. I might never be ready for it.

In fact, sleep was the last thing on your mind," he said tightly. He was angry. I could hear it in his voice. What was he angry about? I was the one who'd been through the emotional wringer.
My hands curled into fists, my breathing grew shallow. I trusted him no more today than I had two months ago. "Fucking was all you wanted. ~ Karen Marie Moning