Lewis Grizzard Quotes

If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.

I want my chicken fried, gravy on my steak, and I want my green beans cooked and my tomatoes served raw. Too many fancy restaurants serve their green beans raw and then they cook their tomatoes - and give you some sort of hard, dark bread with it. This is an unholy aberration I cannot abide.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

Chilli dawgs always bark at night.

Let's all start walking more and driving less.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Spring time is the land awakening.

Elvis is dead and I don't feel good for myself.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

There's no such thing as being too Southern.

I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did, someone else would own the orchard.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.

If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.

Show business is my life.

When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room, Will I Be Too Old To Care?

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes.

Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

Shoot low, boys. They're ridin' Shetland ponies.

"Have you done your homework?" my mother would ask. "I'll do it later." "You will do it now, young man. I don't want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica." Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.