Internet Humor Quotes

If you're Microsoft, you can prevent a porn site using microsoft.xxx. Although that would be ironic since micro and soft probably aren't at the forefront of desirable concepts when you're looking for porn. ~ Gary Corby

Dinosaurs didn't read. Look what happened to them! ~ Internet Humor

You can never fully trust the validity of quotes on the internet. ~ Abraham Lincoln

S.P.A.M. S.enseless P.eople A.always M.essaging ~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry. ~ J.K. Rowling

Are you trying to weasel out of showing us any of this stuff?' said Zacharias Smith.
'Here's an idea,' said Ron loudly, 'why don't you shut your mouth?'
'Well, we've all turned up to learn from him, and now he's telling us he can't really do any of it,' he said.
'That's not what he said,' said Fred Weasley.
'Would you like us to clean out your ears for you?' inquired George, pulling a long and lethal-looking metal instrument from inside one of the Zonko's bags.
'Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this,' said Fred. ~ J.K. Rowling

Cole?" Sydney asked. Alyssa said, "Now that we know for sure it's a boy, I'm trying out names to see what sounds good.I like Cole."
Dante snarled. "No way. You are not naming my son Cole Stone. ~ R.E. Butler

Fresh, sweet honeysuckle. Ripe and rich and ready to be fucked
PLUCKED, he corrected himself, ready to be plucked. ~ Christine Warren

I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson ~ One Direction

None of you seem to understand ... this is a mental institution ... you came to life only because there is some thing wrong with you ~ Zied Saadi

People with disabilities are sometimes very humble and approachable, if you want a seasoned reputation, then behave like one of the handicaps. ~ Michael Bassey Johnson

I bought a big-ass house and haven't decorated it yet," Psycho replied defensively. "Patio furniture looks good in my living room. I don't
have a lamp. The red and green Christmas lights work just fine."
"The lights blink."
"So do I. ~ Kate Angell

( ... )best of luck, avoid roasted cabbage, don't eat earwax, and look on the bright side of life! ~ Christopher Paolini

Judith, you sound
horrible. What's the matter with your voice? Are you coming down with something?"
Judith shook her head. "I'm all right."
"You sound like you swallowed a frog. ~ Julie Garwood

The fans are on, let's see which way the shit blows. ~ B.V. Larson

Those are pretty much the only questions people ask Colonials. If they want you to tell them anything else, just make it up. They will believe you, because you are wearing a costume. ~ Leila Sales

Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and negative ads. ~ George W. Bush

It's good netiquette to get to know someone in social media before giving out your phone number. NetworkEtiquette.net ~ David Chiles

Some men are like musical glasses; to produce their finest tones you must keep them wet. ~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

If I could bottle kindness, I wonder if formaldehyde would preserve it. ~ Amanda Mosher

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." ~ David Letterman

Room service? Send up a larger room.
[A Night at the Opera] ~ Groucho Marx

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. ~ Woody Allen

Methamphetamine is so Flowers for Algernon: All that super-human cerebral ability fades to limited physical activities like stapling carpet scraps to the wall or masturbation antics worthy of The Guinness Book of World Records. ~ Clint Catalyst

My first big one-person show was basically a combination of my family, me during puberty, embarrassing newspaper articles that were written about me in high school, my first modeling photos, and terrible things that people said about me on the Internet. ~ Tom Lenk

The humble and meek are thirsting for blood. ~ Joe Orton

Humor is a bit like Mary Poppins' sugar-it helps the medicine go down. A little bit of humor allows people to think about very difficult subjects. ~ James Fadiman

What's poking me?"
"An involuntary reflex," Jake said, "Roll over at your own risk."
"Is it going to be a chronic condition?"
"God, I hope so, I'm too young to have those kinds of medical issues."
"I have a cure."
"What?" he asked. "Sandwiching a pillow between us?"
"Amputation."
"Never mind," Jake said grimly, "Problem solved. ~ Alison Bliss

A determination never to do what is wrong, prudence, and good-humor, will go far toward securing to you the estimation of the world. ~ Thomas Jefferson

So, how'd you get the tattoo?" she said.
"Drunken frat boys don't say no to things their drunken frat brothers are telling them to do."
"That almost sounds like an admission of weakness from the invulnerable Andrew Sheffield."
"Not weakness. Stupidity, maybe. That, I'll cop to."
"I can't believe the man behind such a successful business is stupid."
"You'd be surprised. Just as there are different kinds of intelligence, there are different kinds of stupid. ~ Linda Morris

Just got back from a 5 day camping trip. No phones, no Internet, no problem. It was great. Now time for a hot shower. I absolutely reek! ~ Cody Walker

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend ~ Doug Larson

The hardest thing is trying not to correct everything on the Internet. It'd be night and day - wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. So you just have to say, 'All right, I'll take it, bring it on.' ~ George Clooney

Embrace your craziness ~ Jennifer Coissiere

I asked a nurse for dental floss and was told that I am not allowed dental floss. Apparently dental floss can be used for several functions besides the maintenance of healthy gums. These apparently include self-harm. When instructed that I was not permitted dental floss because of "risks it raises associated with suicide" I envisioned a noose made entirely of floss. Realizing such a noose would require a dramatic amount of floss to effectively uphold any human person, I brought it to the attention of a nurse.

"I don't believe that even the most practiced engineers could fashion any functioning noose out of a single container of floss," I say.

"People use it to cut themselves," she explained.

"Oh," I replied.

I had just about come to terms with the no-floss rule until the hospital, in a flagrant display of disrespect for its patients, chose to serve us corn on the cob for lunch.

"Are you aware that we are not allowed dental floss?" I yelled at the nurse bringing me the corn. I then threw the corn violently from my plate into the nearest wall. ~ Emily R. Austin

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once. ~ Brett Tate

Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life. ~ Terry Pratchett

Rhett: If you've made up your mind to impale someone, do it with conviction. ~ Rowena Cherry

I wanted to apologize."
His gaze lifted from her bosom. He remembered those breasts in his hands. "For what?"
"For deceiving you as I did. I misunderstood the nature of our relationship and behaved like a spoiled little girl. It was a terrible mistake and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
A terrible mistake? A mistake to be sure, but terrible? "There is nothing to forgive," he replied with a tight smile. "We were both at fault."
"Yes," she agreed with a smile of her own. "You are right. Can we be friends again?"
"We never stopped." At least that much was true. He might have played the fool, might have taken advantage of her, but he never ceased caring for her. He never would.
Rose practically sighed in relief. Grey had to struggle to keep his eyes on her face. "Good. I'm so glad you feel that way. Because I do so want your approval when I find the man I'm going to marry."
Grey's lips seized, stuck in a parody of good humor. "The choice is ultimately yours, Rose."
She waved a gloved hand. "Oh, I know that, but your opinion meant so much to Papa, and since he isn't here to guide me, I would be so honored if you would accept that burden as well as the others you've so obligingly undertaken."
Help her pick a husband? Was this some kind of cruel joke? What next, did she want his blessing?
She took both of his hands in hers. "I know this is rather premature, but next to Papa you have been the most important man in ~ Kathryn Smith

We start eating, watch television, surf the Internet, or go shopping and buy something. That gives us a rush of feeling, some adrenaline and excitement. ~ Geneen Roth

I was the big sister. I was supposed to set and example and lead the way so people would say, 'Hey, you're Alex's sister, aren't you? You two look exactly alike!' instead of 'Hey, you're Alex's sister, aren't you? Are you crazy, too?'

The only example I was ever going to set for her was to always check her food before she ate it. ~ Francesca Zappia

Admiral Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy: How old do you think I am, anyway?
Lt. Commander Data: 137 years, Admiral, according to Starfleet records.
Admiral Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy: Explain how you remember that so exactly!
Lt. Commander Data: I remember every fact I am exposed to, sir.
Admiral Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy: [looking at both sides of Data's head] I don't see no points on your ears, boy, but you sound like a Vulcan.
Lt. Commander Data: No, sir. I am an android.
Admiral Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy: Hmph. Almost as bad.'
'Data: [uses a device in his arm to open a door] Open sesame! You could say I have a magnetic personality.
[laughs at his joke]
Data: Humor! I love it!'
'Lt. Commander Data: Spot, you are disrupting my ability to work.
[he puts Spot to the floor, but she jumps back on Data's desk]
Spot: Meow.
Lt. Commander Data: Vamoose, ye little varmint! ~ Star Trek The Next Generation

Apart from the seemingly magical internet, life in broad material terms isn't so different from what it was in 1953 ... The wonders portrayed in THE JETSONS, the space-age television cartoon from the 1960s, have not come to pass ... Life is better and we have more stuff, but the pace of change has slowed down compared to what people saw two or three generations ago. ~ Tyler Cowen

I'm actually doing a show. from my shed. on the internet. but it won't be music or anything, it's more to do with drinking and smoking. it's an art piece. ~ Vince Clarke

Can't say what impresses me most about my followers – their good looks, their incredible intellects, or their immunity to cheap flattery. ~ David Burge

cruise the ones in the flesh, not the ghosts on the internet ~ Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore

If you are not in charge of your life, who is? ~ Val Edward Simone

True wisdom, as the fruit of self-examination, dialogue, and generous encounter between persons, is not acquired by a mere accumulation of data which eventually leads to overload and confusion, a sort of mental pollution. Real relationships with others, with all the challenges they entail, now tend to be replaced by a type of internet communication which enables us to choose or eliminate relationships at whim, thus giving rise to a new type of contrived emotion which has more to do with devices and displays than with other people and with nature. ~ Pope Francis

You forgot 'dashingly handsome.' Dear friend is nice but hardly covers the extent of my qualities."

Eleanor looks up from her own letter writing. "How did she describe me? Because I have always preferred my eyes to be referred to as the 'color of a storm-tossed sea.' If either of you were wondering."

"You did not fare much better. In fact, I think I am ahead. I am a 'dear friend,' and you are merely 'recently ill. ~ Kiersten White

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore. ~ Garrison Keillor

Most people just do not give a crap. Especially about you. It is not because you're crap. Mostly it is so because they are. So, you're better than them. Yeah! Now, give a crap! ~ Fakeer Ishavardas