Humor Philosophy Quotes

Freud expressed the opinion - not quite in earnest, though, it seemed to me - that philosophy was the most decent form of sublimation of repressed sexuality, nothing more. In response I put the question, 'What then is science, particularly psychoanalytic psychology?' Whereupon he, visible a bit surprised, answered evasively: 'At least psychology has a social purpose. ~ Ludwig Binswanger

I didn't want to do it,' Kiala said. 'The universe just kind of conspired to force me to make a fool of myself. It does that quite a lot, actually. ~ Graham Parke

We played for about half an hour before I realized we were actually playing two different games. What I'd thought of as ludo was actually a game called gin rummy, and what Warren was playing seemed to be a mixture of craps and table tennis. Once we started playing by one consistent set of rules, though, the fun was really over. ~ Graham Parke

Sometimes your own tongue can make you deaf and dumb. ~ Anirban Bose

All I'm trying to say is that if you're not willing to observe this, if you're just going to condemn it, you're never going to see it. It's there, whether you like it or not. This is stupid life-force we're dealing with here," he said. "Think how old it is, Jim. Think how huge it is. Understanding it doesn't make any difference. ~ Jim Paul

How is it that standing outside for a minute in 90 degree heat is torture, yet standing in a blistering hot shower for 20 minutes is paradise? ~ Sara Marcus

Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it. ~ H.L. Mencken

Make sure your not followed! Don't go anywhere ~ Benny Bellamacina

Sometimes the peanut; sometimes the shell. ~ Anonymous

Hindoo wisdom long ago regarded the world as the dream of Brahma. Must we hold with Fichte that it is the individual dream of each individual ego? Every fool would then be a cosmogonic poet producing the firework of the universe under the dome of the infinite. ~ Henri Frederic Amiel

In truth, Freud sees nothing and understands nothing. ~ Gilles Deleuze

Don't make me come down there.
- God ~ Keith Caserta

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk. ~ Eugene Mirman

Never open a can of worms unless you are prepared to consume the contents. ~ Alphya Cing

Purgatory was a bit damp," said Bengt, "but heaven is more or less as I'd imagined it. ~ Thor Heyerdahl

Out similar characteristics in everyone. For example, law students were undisciplined and competitive, medical students strict and lacking a sense of humor, philosophy ~ Donato Carrisi

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also. ~ Mark Twain

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? ~ Albert Einstein

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn't even check for traffic. There wasn't any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker. ~ Graham Parke

There are essentially three types of people: those who love life more than they fear it, those who fear life more than they love it, and those who have no clue what I'm talking about. ~ Neel Burton

After a dream like that, you're grateful that it was just a dream, that no matter how bad your actual life, it couldn't be worse than your dream life. ~ Brock Clarke

THE PRESOCRATIC PROBLEM
[all snap flags]
Parmenides named his gun The Hot Power of the Stars. His gun was one, uncreated, imperishable, timeless, changeless, perfect, spherical. Spherical was the problem. ~ Anne Carson

And I walked across the gravel, towards the road and somewhere in the universe of my soul a fiery, life-giving star collapsed, and a very black hole began to form. ~ Matt Haig

The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish. ~ Terry Pratchett

It's a philosophical minefield!
Cabal had a brief mental image of Aristotle walking halfway across an open field before unexpectedly disappearing in a fireball. Descartes and Nietzsche looked on appalled. He pulled himself together. ~ Jonathan L. Howard

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching.
Dogbert's Motto ~ Scott Adams

The world is surprisingly hard to destroy. ~ Rachel Hartman

A few dud universes can really clutter up your basement. ~ Neal Stephenson

- You shouldn't flaunt your cross. I think religion it's a deeply personal thing.
- Do you think boobs and ass are not personal things? People consider ordinary displaying them. ~ Bryanna Reid

No matter where you go, there you are. ~ Keith Caserta

I take very few people seriously, and I'm not one of them. ~ Cian Beirdd

Cats don't need to be possessed; they're evil on their own. ~ Peter Kreeft

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. ~ George Carlin

Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors. ~ Graham Parke

Time changes nothing, girl, but the size of your underwear ... and hopefully your hairdo. ~ Minton Sparks

Always think in circles to get your ideas around ~ Benny Bellamacina

Life's a jumble of farce and melodrama, the chaotic scribbling of a third-rate penny-a-liner. We mock it to keep from going mad--or at least to display our good taste. ~ Gary Inbinder

That macho protective bullshit is just some asshat man pissing on his territory so the other dogs will stay away. ~ Tammara Webber

Children are like sponges; they start to smell after a little while. ~ Brian P. Cleary

No one wants to sit through a drawn-out tale any more than they want a third nipple ~ Andrew Cormier

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. ~ George Carlin

Godshawk looked surprised, the way that people generally do when you ask them philosophical questions in shrubberies in the middle of the night. ~ Philip Reeve

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them! ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

In the way this strange gentleman was going on, he would leave the world without having done any good to himself or anybody else. ~ Jules Verne

Quite possibly the only infinite power in the universe may be the human capacity for self-deception. ~ Michel Templet

Pay attention to me. ~ Sally Quinn

Good-humor is a philosophic state of mind; it seems to say to Nature that we take her no more seriously than she takes us. I maintain that one should always talk of philosophy with a smile. ~ William James

But the goal of the arts, culinary or otherwise, is not to increase our comfort. That is the goal of an easy chair. ~ Jeffrey Steingarten

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. ~ Douglas Adams

Being a Falconer is about saving the buggers even if they don't deserve it." - Farlan MacNeil ~ Edwin McRae

The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can't shut your mind. ~ Terry Pratchett

I'm not superstitious. I'm a witch. Witches aren't superstitious. We are what people are superstitious of. ~ Terry Pratchett

I've been working on something that merges rap with classical…. I call it Baby's Got Bach. ~ Michael LaRocca

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try! ~ Dr. Seuss

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think. ~ George Carlin

They can't tell so much about you if you got your eyes closed. ~ Ken Kesey

Writing is turning life's worst moments into money. ~ J.P. Donleavy

To be, or not to be: what a question! ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

Here was enough transcendentalism to drive even a cave-dwelling Tibetan holy man insane. Jack Sawyer was everywhere; Jack Sawyer was everything. ~ Stephen King

This 'web of discourses' as Robyn called it...is as much a biological product as any of the other constructions to be found in the animal world. (Clothes too, are part of the extended phenotype of Homo Sapiens almost every niche inhabited by that species.An illustrated encyclopedia of zoology should no more picture Homo Sapiens naked than it should picture Ursus arctus-the black bear- wearing a clown suit and riding a bicycle. ~ Daniel C. Dennett

Because this is another thing your average American man in crisis does: he tries to go home, forgetting, momentarily, that he is the reason he left home in the first place, that the home is not his anymore, and that the crisis is him. ~ Brock Clarke

My sister, Judy, has always said that she would like to lie in state, propped up in her coffin with her eyes blared wide open, face fixed in a big grin, and have a taped greeting for all her mourners. Something real upbeat and, well, live-sounding, like: 'He-e-e-ey!Cuteshoestellyomamahi! ~ Jill Conner Browne

What were you saying about the way I smell?" "It's like hot testosterone on a fuckin' cracker, sprinkled with cinnamon." ~Mariss ~ Tyffani Clark Kemp

Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can,
politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot.
Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,
looks strangely a bit like the little chocolate chips. ~ Tom Althouse

Being someone as not being is worse than being someone as being it. ~ M.F. Moonzajer

We all are unique, but we are also part of the humanity, which is our common body. With harmony, love, kindness, and compassion we can live together with joy and happiness. ~ Debasish Mridha

I believed that if you were really in love and really soul mates, there would be this cosmic resonance, filled with huge chunks of agreement. What a crock! If only I'd known then that there are about three or four issues that are vital to life and about seven billion other details that don't really matter at all, I could have saved myself (and John!) boatloads of stress. ~ Anita Renfroe

Cassie asked.
asked Ax ~ Katherine Applegate

Quick, Derek, it's your chance to shine," Ascanio said.
Derek gave him a withering look.
"Desandra is a mother, Robert is married, Kate's affianced, and I'm an old soul. You're the closest thing to a virgin we've got. Get on with growing some flowing locks. ~ Ilona Andrews

Anthony: Now lower your dress a little-
Roslynn: Anthony!
Anthony: This is no time for offended modesty ... You're the distraction.
Roslynn: Och, well, in that case.
Anthony: That's quite low enough, my dear ...
Roslynn: I was only trying to help,
Anthony: Commendable, but we want the chap to ogle you, not bust his breeches. ~ Johanna Lindsey

All stories come from the writer's heart, and all hearts speak the same language, a wordless language ancient as time, and for the writer, this is the eternal struggle, to translate the wordless into words. ~ Stan D. Jensen

It is interesting to find that those whom I like, they also like me. ~ Debasish Mridha

Standing up through the Citroen's open sunroof, my six-foot-three-inch, red-cheeked sister pointed a long, trembling finger at the perpetrator and with maximum indignation yelled: 'Ce merde-monsieur a justement crache dans ma derriere!' Her intended meaning is obvious, but what she said was, 'This shit-man just spat out into my butt! ~ Julia Child

Would you really have ... ?" said Julien.
"Almost certainly," I said. "I have deep-seated problems with authority figures."
"But you are one!"
"I know! I can only assume the universe has a really mean sense of humour. ~ Simon R. Green

It is an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when they have lost their way. ~ Rollo May

Go for your dreams and get lost to find yourself again and again. ~ Debasish Mridha

His skin is so hard and rough, it's like shaking a piece of tree bark. ~ Sophie Kinsella

The fly in her argument is that when she says, 'they' will feel like lemons, we don't know who 'they' are. And 'they' might BE lemons. ~ Louise Rennison

If I were a serial killer, I would not be the kind that stabs and then eats the victim. I would be the kind that hides in a tree and shoots at the aerobics class. ~ Augusten Burroughs

Now, since our condition accommodates things to itself, and transforms them according to itself, we no longer know things in their reality; for nothing comes to us that is not altered and falsified by our Senses. When the compass, the square, and the rule are untrue, all the calculations drawn from them, all the buildings erected by their measure, are of necessity also defective and out of plumb. The uncertainty of our senses renders uncertain everything that they produce. ~ Michel De Montaigne

What would you say if I tortured you?" asked the bandit leader conversationally.
Halla blinked at him. "Err, 'Ow,' probably. 'Stop, Stop, Stop,' something like that?" *What a bizarre question. What does he expect me to say?* ~ T. Kingfisher

Take a strict view of their excrements, and, from the colour, the odour, the taste, the consistence, the crudeness or maturity of digestion, form a judgment of their thoughts and designs; because men are never so serious, thoughtful, and intent, as when they are at stool ... ~ Jonathan Swift

I've been practicing Buddhism for a while. So, I call myself a Jew-Bu, because my tribe is still Jew. But my philosophy and my practice is really Buddhist. ~ Goldie Hawn

Great idea," I said. "Call the police. Call the fucking police. ~ Ava Gardner

I have a different proposition.'
'I'm all ears.'
'You leave here without any competitions, races or shouting. Of your own accord, without being forced.'
'You can shove such a proposition a d'yeabl aep arse. ~ Andrzej Sapkowski

Did he just rip out the engine?" I asked.
"Yes", Saiman said. "And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it."
Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be the Maserati into the wall.
The first melodic notes of an old song came from the computer. I glanced at Saiman.
He shrugged. "It begged for a soundtrack. ~ Ilona Andrews

Wisdom of the Ages: Do the aliens on the moon pull down their pants and 'earth' their friends for fun? ~ Matthew D. Heines

Why do people kill others just like them with such ferocity simply because they worship a different god? What harm were they doing? People suffer in these wars and dozens, hundreds, thousands, millions even lose their lives. Whatever happened to the survival instinct? One could just about understand the violent battle for wealth or territory but how are we supposed to understand the battle for a belief? ~ Vadim Zeland

A wise man once said that any human being is capable of infinite achievement, so long as it's not the work they're supposed to be doing. ~ K.J. Parker

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long. ~ Frankie Boyle

This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses. ~ George W. Bush

Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography. ~ Terry Pratchett

Time endorses the complexities of a zeigarnik mind! ~ Vishwanath S J

I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals. ~ Jarod Kintz

I told you, E; we should have brought the explosives,' Xander grumbled underneath his breath in good humor. ~ Rachel Higginson

Philosophy is not in the business of explaining anything. Actual occasions explain what happened, not philosophy. ~ Bruno Latour