Humor Philosophical Quotes

We go to school so that when we grow up we can make lots of money, and we make lots of money so we can provide for our children, and we have children to provide for our retirement (because we don't have any money left). ~ R.M. ArceJaeger

I do not want to sound cynical or condescending, but your lips are moving, your mind unbending. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Apparently, what differentiates the mere rich from the filthy rich is a servant who treats you like dirt. ~ Paula Wall

An autobiography is inherently incomplete unless the last page is written on the eve of the author's demise. ~ Dan Makaon

Be not afraid life with all its despair, pain and unhappiness is just a crucible wherein your brighter dreams are conceived, shaped and born ~ Rassool Jibraeel Snyman

The only working model of socialism I have ever seen is in an elementary school classroom. ~ R.M. ArceJaeger

A king of a kingdom no one fucking knows about! I'm the tree in the forest that silently falls
when no one is around to be crushed! [Lothaire, Enemy of Old] ~ Kresley Cole

While the churches, bringing the sweet smell of piety for the soul, came in prancing and farting like brewery horses in bock-beer time, the sister evangelism, with release and joy for the body, crept in.
silently and greyly, with its head bowed and its face covered. ~ John Steinbeck

In the real world, in the grand scheme of life, this year is going to count for exactly nothing. These are the friendships that don't last and the choices that don't count. All those things we freak out about now, like who's going to be class president and are we going to win the game this weekend- there's going to be a time when we can't remember caring about them. In exactly three hundred and sixty five days from right now, wearing your letter jacket will make you look like the lamest of losers. ~ Jen Klein

Camus said there is only really one serious philosophical question, which is whether or not to commit suicide. I think there are four or five serious philosophical questions:
The first one is: Who started it?
The second is: Are we going to make it?
The third is: Where are we going to put it?
The fourth is: Who's going to clean up?
And the fifth: Is it serious?
Out Of Your Mind (2004), Audio lecture 1: The Nature of Consciousness: A Game That's Worth The Candle. ~ Alan W. Watts

Fear and anger, Yoda had often warned him, were slaves to the dark side. Vaguely, Luke wondered which side curiosity served. ~ Timothy Zahn

A man who discovers his pants are on fire tends to have very little time to worry about somebody else's box of matches ~ Jeff Lindsay

Human misery must somewhere have a stop; there is no wind that always blows a storm; great good fortune comes to failure in the end. All is change; all yields its place and goes; to persevere, trusting in what hopes he has, is courage in a man. The coward despairs. ~ Euripides

Some people desire to be famous. I probably wouldn't be very good at it. ~ Sarah Warman

Let's be honest, Mr. Ravenwood. You have no place in this town. You are not part of it and clearly, neither is your niece. I don't think you are in any position to make demands."
"Mrs. Lincoln, I appreciate your candor, and I will try to be as frank with you as you have been with me. It would be a grave error for you, for anyone in this town, really, to pursue this matter. You see, I have a great deal of means. I'm a bit of a spendthrift, if you will. If you try to prevent my niece from returning to Stonewall Jackson High School, I will be forced to spend some of that money. Who knows, perhaps I'll bring in a Wal-Mart."
There was another gasp from the bleachers.
"Is that a threat?"
"Not at all. ~ Kami Garcia

I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education. ~ Tallulah Bankhead

As rain began to fall, Aldric worried the old machines would not be able to survive the weather. "Hand me that oil can!" he shouted to Siomon.
Magic machines need oil?" asked Simon.
Of course they need oil. They're not perfect. ~ Jason Hightman

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader. ~ Jackson Radcliffe

Failure is something you experience on your way to success - unless you're a skydiver. ~ Peter James West

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?" ~ Bill Bailey

Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, 'Do you think?'. 'As little as I can,' Turnip replied honestly. ~ Lauren Willig

But what about a person's anger? What about her voice? Her laughter? Her arrogance? Her irreverence? Her humor, her ego, her honor, her character? Do these fingerprints of an individual life simply evaporate and disappear with the last exhale? And if that is so, what use all this struggle, misery and strife? What difference whether a woman ever lived or not? Whether she was loved or unloved, educated or illiterate, wanted or unwanted by her parents, whether or not she suffered hurt and betrayal, or whether she still managed to retain her humanity and nobility? In the end, Bhima thinks, it doesn't matter. It is all ash and dust. This is what it means to be human, she thinks: Grains of dust arranged in human form - some dark, some light, some tall, some short, some male, some female. And in the end, the same gust of wind breaks them all down. ~ Thrity Umrigar

It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening.
If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters. ~ Lemony Snicket

This is a good place," he said.
"There's a lot of liquor," I agreed. ~ Ernest Hemingway,

There's such an odd, eclectic group of people that make up the town of Plymouth, New Hampshire. I don't think I could avoid not coming out of there with a pretty good sense of humor. ~ Eliza Coupe

Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck."
Phury: "That was you?"
Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit? ~ J.R. Ward

Finding the book was like kissing a lightning bolt. ~ Karen Miller

A philosophical thought has probably not attained all its sharpness and all its illumination until it is expressed in French ~ Charles-Augustin Sainte-Beuve

My dad was nothing but a bingo call. ~ Ripley Patton

I tried to will them with my super mental powers so he'd put them around my waist, but apparently I had no super mental powers. ~ J.A. Redmerski

He laced his hands behind his neck and propped his boots on the opposite arm of the sofa. If an artist were to capture this image, it would have been labeled,Smugness: A Portrait. She wanted to shake him. ~ Tessa Dare

Who is playing this part anyway? That's right, play it any way you want. That's the way to play it. ~ Art Hochberg

In his first philosophical lecture on modern physics that Pauli gave in November 1934 to the Zurich Philosophical Society he said that only a formulation of quantum theory would be satisfactory which expresses the relation between the value of [the fine structure constant] and charge conservation in the same complementary was as that between the space-time description and energy-momentum conservation. ~ Charles P. Enz

I leaned against Brent, resting my forehead against his cheek, but jerked back. "Brent you're hot."
Brent grinned lazily and puffed up his chest. "Thank you. It's a burden I must bear. ~ Lani Woodland

People say we are playing God. My answer is: If we don't play God, who will? ~ James D. Watson

Karma is quite a resilient fellow. No matter what ... he'll come back time after time and bite you right back in your assets!
Timothy Pina ~ Timothy Pina

I'm feeling particularly good and wicked at the moment. ~ A.R. Von

There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes. ~ William J. Bennett

There were a lot of botched kills throughout the eastern part of Kentucky when the work fell outside his control. Six or seven years ago, a man from Perry County was shot point blank in the head and left for dead in the middle of downtown. Problem was, the bullet had traveled between the man's scalp and his skull halfway across his head and exited the same way it had entered on the other side. The whole thing had left him with only fingernail-sized contusions on both sides of his head. He identified the guy who shot him and saw him arrested and convicted of attempted murder.
Now, it's true that a situation like that was a rare one, but part of doing a job right was minimizing the chance for something to go wrong. ~ Sheldon Lee Compton

He looked the boy up and down as if he had never seen a child before and wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do with one: eat it, ignore it or kick it down the stairs. ~ John Boyne

It is my fondest desire to bust a host of caps into multitudes of fleshy personages. ~ Bill Willingham

Housework can kill you if done right. ~ Erma Bombeck

Here was enough transcendentalism to drive even a cave-dwelling Tibetan holy man insane. Jack Sawyer was everywhere; Jack Sawyer was everything. ~ Stephen King

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was ... a large Arctic region covered with ice. ~ Robin Williams

Make me proud today, Robmeister. Keep your hands to yourself and remember rule number one above all things.'
'Don't discuss politics.'
'No, the other one.'
Robbie nods. 'Don't eat glue.' He drops his chin. 'It's my weakness. ~ Jenny B. Jones

I have not had so good of a week. Well, monday was a pretty good day, if you don't count Hamburger Surprise at lunch and Margaret's mother coming to get her. Or the stuff that happened in the principal's office when I got sent there to explain that Margaret's hair was not my fault and besides she looks okay without it, but I couldn't because Principal Rice was gone, trying to calm down Margaret's mother. Someone should tell you not to answer the phone in the principal's office, if that's a rule. Okay, fine, Monday was not so good of a day. ~ Sara Pennypacker

[ ... ] Who are you?"
He thought about that. "I'm a boy who doesn't exist," he said, eventually. ~ Kathryn James

I think that what comes through in Chicago humor is the affection. Even though you're poking fun at someone or something, there's still an affection for it. ~ Bob Newhart

Did he just rip out the engine?" I asked.
"Yes", Saiman said. "And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it."
Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be the Maserati into the wall.
The first melodic notes of an old song came from the computer. I glanced at Saiman.
He shrugged. "It begged for a soundtrack. ~ Ilona Andrews

A woman can make a man feel older or younger than his years if she so chooses. Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men. Women were made with a sense of humor so they could love men instead of laughing at them. ~ Will Rogers