Terry Pratchett Quotes

Character assassination. What a wonderful idea. Ordinary assassination only works once, but this one works every day. ~ Terry Pratchett

Cheese? But you…you could do anything you wanted!" Roland burst out. "And right now I want to make cheese," said Tiffany calmly. ~ Terry Pratchett

Everybody thinks the Government should be doing more about everything but just think how many of the bonuses which are quite rightly being dragged off certain people, just think to what good causes they could be put - wouldn't that be a lovely thought'? ~ Terry Pratchett

He'd wanted changes. It was just that he'd wanted things to stay the same, as well. ~ Terry Pratchett

And if they couldn't bend their thinking around the world, they bent the world around their thinking. ~ Terry Pratchett

What can the harvest hope for ... ~ Terry Pratchett

Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It's where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more. ~ Terry Pratchett

The queen appeared as innocent as one of those mountains which smoke a little, and then one day end up causing a whole civilization to become an art installation ~ Terry Pratchett

19The Necrotelicomnicon was written by a Klatchian necromancer known to the world as Achmed the Mad, although he preferred to be called Achmed the I Just Get These Headaches. It is said that the book was written in one day after Achmed drank too much of the strange thick Klatchian coffee which doesn't just sober you up, but takes you through sobriety and out the other side, so that you glimpse the real universe beyond the clouds of warm self-delusion that sapient life usually generates around itself to stop it turning into a nutcake. Little ~ Terry Pratchett

Nanny Ogg could see the future in the froth on a beer mug. It invariably showed that she was going to enjoy a refreshing drink which she almost certainly was not going to pay for. ~ Terry Pratchett

And if you did it for a good reason, you'd do it for a bad one. You couldn't say "we're the good guys" and do bad-guy things. ~ Terry Pratchett

Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side! ~ Terry Pratchett

Why did thee call that hell-goat Mephistopheles? asked McTavish one day. ~ Terry Pratchett

On the Disc the gods dealt severely with atheists. ~ Terry Pratchett

One of us says, "I don't know how to deal with this tricky bit of plot"; the other one listens and says, "The solution, Grasshopper, is in the way you state the problem. Fancy a coffee? ~ Terry Pratchett

Do you understand what's going on here?"
Hodgesaargh took another slow look at the scene. "No," he said.
"In that case's not my job to understand this sort of thing," said the falconer. "I wasn't trained. Probably takes a lot of training, understanding this. That's your job. And her job. Can you understand what's going on when a bird's been trained and'll make a kill and still came back to the wrist?"
"Well, no - "
"There you are, then. So that's all right. Cup of tea, was it? ~ Terry Pratchett

People don't alter history any more than birds alter the sky, they just make brief patterns in it. ~ Terry Pratchett

He could feel certainty draining away. And he'd always been certain. ~ Terry Pratchett

Everything makes sense a bit at a time. But when you try to think of it all at once, it comes out wrong. ~ Terry Pratchett

Then she wound up the clock. Witches didn't have much use for clocks, but she kept it for the tick ... well, mainly for the tick. It made a place seem lived in. It had belonged to her mother, who'd wound it up every day. It hadn't come as a surprise to her when her mother died, firstly because Esme Weatherwax was a witch and witches have an insight into the future and secondly because she was already pretty experienced in medicine and knew the signs. So she'd had a chance to prepare herself, and hadn't cried at all until the day afterward, when the clock stopped right in the middle of the funeral lunch. She'd dropped a tray of ham rolls and then had to go and sit by herself in the privy for a while, so that no one would see. ~ Terry Pratchett

Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn't entirely there.
Yᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇɴ'ᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Bᴀʏ Oғ Mᴀɴᴛᴇ, ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ? he said.
"No, sir," said Mort.
Fᴀᴍᴏᴜs sʜɪᴘᴡʀᴇᴄᴋ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ.
"Was there?"
Tʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ, said Death, ɪғ I ᴄᴀɴ ғɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀᴍɴ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ. ~ Terry Pratchett

I've lost both parents in the last two years, so you pick up on that stuff. That's the most terrible thing about being an author - standing there at your mother's funeral, but you don't switch the author off. So your own innermost thoughts are grist for the mill. ~ Terry Pratchett

Nae king! Nae quin! We will nae be fooled agin! ~ Terry Pratchett

The guest thought long and hard and then said, with deliberation: Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper. ~ Terry Pratchett

Well, I wish I'd get out of my head, it's quite crowded enough with me in here. ~ Terry Pratchett

Capacity for violence, Rincewind had heard, was unisexual. He wasn't certain what unisex was, but expected that it was what he normally experienced. ~ Terry Pratchett

An ancient proverb summed it up when a wizard is tired of looking for broken glass in his dinner, it ran, he is tired of life. ~ Terry Pratchett

I particularly admire are Mark Twain and Jerome K. Jerome who wrote in a certain tone of voice which was humane and understanding of humanity, but always ready to annotate its little foibles. I think I'd lay my cards down on that, and say that it's that that I'm trying to do. ~ Terry Pratchett

No more kings. Vimes had difficulty in articulating why this should be so, why the concept resonated in his very bones. After all, a good many of the patricians had been as bad as any king. But they were ... sort of ... bad on equal terms. What set Vimes's teeth on edge was the idea that kings were a different kind of human being. A higher lifeform. Somehow magical. ~ Terry Pratchett

Vimes stuck his helmet under his arm, smoothed back his hair, and knocked. He'd considered asking Sargent Colon to accompany him, but had brushed the idea aside quickly. He couldn't have tolerated the sniggering. Anyway, what was there to be afraid of? He'd stared into the jaws of death three times; four, if you included telling Vetinari to shut up. ~ Terry Pratchett

Everyone should occasionally break the law in some small and delightful way, Drumknott. It's good for the hygiene of the brain. ~ Terry Pratchett

They always gives me bath salts," complained Nobby. "And bath soap and bubble bath and herbal bath lumps and tons of bath stuff and I can't think why, 'cos it's not as if I hardly ever has a bath. You'd think they'd take the hint, wouldn't you? ~ Terry Pratchett

If you invited a hedge wizard to a party, he would spend half the evening talking to your potted plant. And he would spend the other half listening. ~ Terry Pratchett

There are things so horrible that even the dark is afraid of them. Most people don't know this and this is just as well because the world could not really operate if everyone stayed in bed with the blankets over their head, which is what would happen if people knew what horrors lay a shadow's width away. ~ Terry Pratchett

Life is a trick, and you get one chance to learn it. ~ Terry Pratchett

Probably the last man who knew how it worked had been tortured to death years before. Or as soon as it was installed. Killing the creator was a traditional method of patent protection. ~ Terry Pratchett

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. ~ Terry Pratchett

Their thought processes can largely be represented by "="."" You see it = you eat it. ~ Terry Pratchett

Then Carrot said, "It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness, captain. That's what they say."
"What?" Vimes sudden rage was like a thunderclap. "Who says that? When has that ever been true? It's never been true! It's the kind of thing people without power say to make it all seem less bloody awful, but it's just words, it never makes any difference - ~ Terry Pratchett

Find the story, Granny Weatherwax always said. She believed that the world was full of story shapes. If you let them, they controlled you. But if you studied them, if you found out about them ... you could use them, you could change them. ~ Terry Pratchett

Books were a closed book to Moist. ~ Terry Pratchett

Science fiction is fantasy with bolts painted on outside. ~ Terry Pratchett

You are in favour of the common people?" said Dragon mildly.
The common people?" said Vimes. "They're nothing special. They're no different from the rich and powerful except they've got no money or power. But the law should be there to balance things up a bit. So I suppose I've got to be on their side. ~ Terry Pratchett

And just when you'd think [humans] were more malignant than ever Hell could be, they occasionally showed more grace than Heaven ever dreamed of. ~ Terry Pratchett

In a cottage deep in the forest lived the wicked old witch ... it was a cottage out of the nastier kind of fairy tale ~ Terry Pratchett

LORD, WHAT CAN THE HARVEST HOPE FOR, IF NOT THE CARE OF THE REAPER MAN? ~ Terry Pratchett

He stopped and stared intently at Rincewind. "Every night I come out here and look down." he finished, "and I never jump. Courage is hard to come by, here on the Edge. ~ Terry Pratchett

It was the Oats that read avidly and always remembered those passages which cast doubt on the literal truth of the Book of Om - and nudged him and said, if this isn't true, what can you believe? ~ Terry Pratchett

I didn't go to university. Didn't even finish A-levels. But I have sympathy for those who did. ~ Terry Pratchett

Only elves and trolls had survived the coming of Man to the discworld: the elves because they were altogether too clever by half, and the trolley folk because they were at least as good as humans at being nasty, spiteful and greedy. ~ Terry Pratchett

Mort remembered the woodcut in his grandmother's almanack, between the page on planting times and the phases of the moon section, showing Dethe thee Great Levyller Comes To Alle Menne. He'd stared at it hundreds of times when learning his letters. It wouldn't have been half so impressive if it had been generally known that the flame-breathing horse the specter rode was called Binky. ~ Terry Pratchett

Little crimes breed big crimes. You smile at little crimes and then big crimes blow your head off. ~ Terry Pratchett

They want dancing girls! They want thrills! They want elephants! They want people falling off roofs! They want dreams! The world is full of little people with big dreams! ~ Terry Pratchett

Universities are truly storehouses for knowledge: students arrive from school confident they know nearly everything, and they leave five years later certain that they know practically nothing. Where did the knowledge go in the meantime? In the university, of course, where it is dried and stored. ~ Terry Pratchett

What does a research witch do?' Tiffany asked.
'Oh, it's a very ancient craft. She tries to find new spells by learning how old ones were really done. You know all that stuff about "ear of bat and toe of frog"? They never work, but Miss Level thinks it's because we don't know exactly what kind of frog, or which toe - '
'I'm sorry, but I'm not going to help anyone chop up innocent frogs and bats,' said Tiffany firmly.
'Oh, no, she never kills any!' said Miss Tick hurriedly. 'She only uses creatures that have died naturally or been run over or committed suicide. Frogs can get quite depressed at times. ~ Terry Pratchett

Ah, you mean the thing with the brass plate on it saying 'Improved Manicure Device,' Archchancellor? ~ Terry Pratchett

Then there's the way you krazak your G'ardrgh," said Corporal Littlebottom. "I won't even ask," said Vimes. "I'm afraid I can't explain in any case," said Cheery. ~ Terry Pratchett

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. ~ Terry Pratchett

Mister Teatime had a truly brilliant mind, but it was brilliant like a fractured mirror, all marvellous facets and rainbows but, ultimately, also something that was broken. ~ Terry Pratchett

It was the King Color, of which all the lesser colors are merely partial and wishy-washy reflections. It was octarine, the color of magic. It was alive and glowing and vibrant and it was the undisputed pigment of the imagination, because wherever it appeared it was a sign that mere matter was a servant of the powers of the magical mind. It was enchantment itself. ~ Terry Pratchett

I tell them stars have never hurt me, I wish I could say the same about people. ~ Terry Pratchett

People's whole lives do pass in front of their eye before dying. The process is called Living ~ Terry Pratchett

One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble. ~ Terry Pratchett

Anathema didn't only believe in ley-lines, but in seals, whales, bicycles, rainforests, whole grain in loaves, recycled paper, white South Africans out of South Africa, and Americans out of practically everywhere down to and including Long Island. She didn't compartmentalize her beliefs. They were welded into one enormous, seamless belief, compared with which that held by Joan of Arc seemed a mere idle notion. ~ Terry Pratchett

IT WASN'T A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT. It should have been, but that's the weather for you. For every mad scientist who's had a convenient thunderstorm just on the night his Great Work is finished and lying on the slab, there have been dozens who've sat around aimlessly under the peaceful stars while Igor clocks up the overtime. ~ Terry Pratchett

This one [girl] had a slight suggestion of too many chocolates. ~ Terry Pratchett

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom. ~ Terry Pratchett

Humans need fantasy in order to be human. ~ Terry Pratchett

Ella turned to the fireplace where a blackened kettle hung over what Granny Weatherwax always called an optimist's fire: two logs and hope. ~ Terry Pratchett

They sometimes forgot what happened if you let a pawn get all the way up the board. ~ Terry Pratchett

I like hats. They give me something to do with my head. ~ Terry Pratchett

The last thing she wanted was to see her friend getting ideas in her head. There was such a lot of room in there for them to bounce around and do damage. ~ Terry Pratchett

I lay on the bed and lost myself in the stories. I liked that. Books were safer than other people anyway. ~ Terry Pratchett

I have no use for people who have learned the limits of the possible. ~ Terry Pratchett

Once you have your character sitting right there in your head, all you really need to do is wind them up, put them down, and simply write down what they do, say, or think. ~ Terry Pratchett

Tiffany looked around - the hiver looked around - and thought: I've got to be the strongest. When I am strongest, I shall be safe. That one is weak. She thinks you can buy magic. ~ Terry Pratchett

He had never seen fly-fishing like this before. There were wet flies, and there were dry flies, but this fly augured into the water with a saw-toothed whine and dragged the fish out backwards. ~ Terry Pratchett

As her tutors had said, there were two signs of a good alchemist: the Athletic and the Intellectual. A good alchemist of the first sort was someone who could leap over the bench and be on the far side of a safely thick wall in three seconds, and a good alchemist of the second sort was someone who knew exactly when to do this. ~ Terry Pratchett

Notoriety wasn't as good as fame, but was heaps better than obscurity. ~ Terry Pratchett

[Dedication] To all the fighters for peace ~ Terry Pratchett

Brother Preptil, the master of the music, had described Brutha's voice as putting him in mind of a disappointed vulture arriving too late at the dead donkey. ~ Terry Pratchett

They set off. After a few seconds the Luggage got carefully to its feet and started to follow. "Psst!" It turned carefully, little legs moving in a complicated pattern, and appeared to look up. "Is it good, being joinery?" said the tree, anxiously. "Did it hurt?" The Luggage seemed to think about this. Every brass handle, every knothole, radiated extreme concentration. Then it shrugged its lid and waddled away. The tree sighed, and shook a few dead leaves out of its twigs. ~ Terry Pratchett

What are you grinning for?' he asked the figure on the next branch.
I CAN'T HELP IT, said Death. NOW WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO LET GO? I CAN'T HANG AROUND ALL DAY. ~ Terry Pratchett

I started with a book, and that led me to a library, and that led me everywhere. ~ Terry Pratchett

What we're going to do is keep the peace. That's our job. We're not going to be heroes, we're just going to be ... normal. ~ Terry Pratchett

Her mother had chosen the Welsh valley of Pant-y-Gyrdl as the ideal site to Return to Nature. (Six months later, sick of the rain, the mosquitoes, the men, the tent-trampling sheep who ate first the whole commune's marijuana crop and then its antique minibus, and by now beginning to glimpse why almost the entire drive of human history has been an attempt to get as far away from Nature as possible, Pepper's mother returned to Pepper's surprised grandparents in Tadfield, bought a bra, and enrolled in a sociology course with a deep sigh of relief.) ~ Terry Pratchett

Agnes shut her eyes, clenched her fists, opened her mouth and screamed.

It started low. Plaster dust drifted down from the ceiling. The prisms on the chandelier chimed gently as they shook.
It rose, passing quickly through the mysterious pitch at fourteen cycles per second where the human spirit begins to feel distinctly uncomfortable about the universe and the place in it of the bowels. Small items around the Opera House vibrated off shelves and smashed on the floor.

The note climbed, rang like a bell, climbed again. In the Pit, all the violin strings snapped, one by one.
As the tone rose, the crystal prisms shook in the chandelier. In the bar, champagne corks fired a salvo. Ice jingled and shattered in its bucket. A line of wine-glasses joined in the chorus, blurred around the rims, and then exploded like hazardous thistledown with attitude.

There were harmonics and echoes that caused strange effects. In the dressing-rooms the No. 3 greasepaint melted. Mirrors cracked, filling the ballet school with a million fractured images.
Dust rose, insects fell. In the stones of the Opera House tiny particles of quartz danced briefly...

Then there was silence, broken by the occasional thud and tinkle.
Nanny grinned.
'Ah,' she said, 'now the opera's over. ~ Terry Pratchett

The trouble with thinking was that, once you started, you went on doing it. ~ Terry Pratchett

He wished he'd had time to drink dinner. ~ Terry Pratchett

Ninety percent of true love is acute, ear-burning embarrassment. ~ Terry Pratchett

One of my predecessors used to have people torn to death by wild tortoises. It was not a quick death. ~ Terry Pratchett

What you look at, you change. ~ Terry Pratchett

Bee there Orr Bee A Rectangular Thyng ~ Terry Pratchett

There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like installing smoke detectors in Hell. ~ Terry Pratchett

Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, sir, that your polar ice caps are below regulation size for a planet of this category, sir. ~ Terry Pratchett

History tends to change people who think they're changing it. ~ Terry Pratchett

Om rubed his head. This wasn't god-like thinking. It seemed simpler when you were up here. It was all a game. You forgot that it wasn't a game down there. People died. Bits got chopped off. We're like eagles up here, he thought. Sometimes we show tortoise how to fly. Then we let go. ~ Terry Pratchett

Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them. ~ Terry Pratchett

Behind her, Preston grunted and said, "I know it's not the right thing to say to a lady, miss, but you are sweating like a pig!"
Tiffany, trying to get her shattered thoughts together, muttered, "My mother always said that horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies merely glow ... "
"Is that so?" said Preston cheerfully.
"Well, miss, you are glowing like a pig! ~ Terry Pratchett

Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."
Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them. ~ Terry Pratchett