Humor Phones Quotes

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone. ~ Dylan Moran

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. ~ Steven Wright

Ducking autocorrect! ~ Atom Yang

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh ... " ~ Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday." ~ Steven Wright

Is this one of those bizarre instances where someone stepped on a bug and accidentally rewove the tapestry of fate? Because I'm pretty sure if the universe were in any sort of proper alignment, I would not have ended up in Colin Ward's arms in a hotel room in Inverness. ~ Jacqueline E. Smith

If by fawning, you mean he's a deer, I have a gun, and it's hunting season, then I guess you're right. ~ Sage Kafsky

She had a pure and fiery hatred for anything that could be classified as small talk. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

A smart wife is one who makes sure she spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman. ~ Miriam Defensor Santiago

We did the usual beauty, grace, anti-dirt spell, voice of a songbird, the works ... it is never that kind of beauty that we gift. It is a spell. You are the most beautiful woman in the world to your true love. To everyone else, well ... that's up to nature. But, you are decently pretty. I don't know why you are complaining. ~ T.T. Escurel

Alan: "I had terrible stage fright."
Sin: "I'm not familiar with the concept of 'stage fright.'"
A: "It's pretty awful. You end up having to picture the entire audience in their underwear. Phyllis was in that audience, you know."
S: "Why, Alan, I had no idea your tastes ran that way."
A: "Phyllis is a very nice lady. And I do not consider her so much aged as matured, like a fine wine. But I still think you owe me an archery lesson. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

Democrats, if they're smart and they're not brain-dead, are doing two things right now.They're having self-deprecating humor written for them. There was no humor in Cleveland. And they are not making this a Donald Trump. ~ Mark Shields

In France the most often used word is "connerie," which means "bullshit," and in America it's hands-down "awesome," which has replaced "incredible," "good," and even "just OK." Pretty much everything that isn't terrible is awesome in America now. ~ David Sedaris

If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich ... not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard. ~ Simone Elkeles

Always espect the unespected ~ Knight Mayor

Woman" is not a derogative word. I am always a woman, but there are time when I choose to sit without holding my knees together. ~ Sylvia Dickey Smith

So the gods," Moash said, nursing his own drink, "were pleased that you solved problems on your own ... by going to other gods and begging them for help instead?"
"Hush," Rock said. "Is good story. ~ Brandon Sanderson

No! Put your damn hand on my boob! ~ Belle Aurora

I know I only want him,' she said between sobs, the syllables all wrong, 'because he doesn't want me. How is that even possible?'

'It's normal to want what we can't have,' I said soothingly.

'No, I mean how can he not want me? ~ Olivia Sudjic

To fit the individual to live and to function in the institutional life of his day. ~ Max Braithwaite

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt. ~ S.K. Tremayne

Okay. I'm not a white male. At least, not predominantly so. And as I mentioned before, I'm in an environment right now where race is really important. See, Chinese men are not that physically intimidating. We're not that tall. We're not that built. We have exactly one thing going for us in a fight - that our opponent recognizes that there's a possibility, no matter how remote, that we might know kung-fu. ~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

Thanks to April," she whispered, "you have the wedding you've dreamed about ever since you were a little girl."
Dean's boom of laughter was one more reason she loved this man with all her heart. ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Alejandro opened his mouth "Marry Me!"
"If she says Yes shoot him." Bern said to Leon, his face completely serious. "She'll thank us later."
Bugg stirred in his seat. "Catalina! Do not marry this dickfucker! There are better birds in the sea!" He turned to my mom and said "Pardon my French. ~ Ilona Andrews

It was a cheesy cheeseball, covered with Cheez Whiz and served on a bed of Cheez-Its. With a side of queso. ~ Jordan Sonnenblick

Chubi, rhymes with booby, which you don't have, or doodie, which your face looks like, she said smugly, leaning back and making her chair squeak. ~ Kim Harrison

I've been single so long that if I hug a brother, he'll get pregnant! ~ Tranea Prosser

The dachshund was evolved to chase badgers down holes, and the corgi to round up cattle. If anyone loses a herd of cattle down a badger hole, then these are just the dogs to get them out. ~ Kennel Club Of England

I sat down on my bed, trying to catch my breath, as Jenna opened the door. The Vandy stood there, glaring at us, and my heart plummeted. They knew. They'd sensed magic happening in here, and now they'd sent the Vandy to come collect us.
I sat there, trying not to pant in terror, while Jenna openly trembled.
"You were told to report to the greenhouse," the Vandy said, her eyes going back and forth between us. "Now, get your skinny butts down there."
You know when you have the most inappropriate reaction to something ever? I was so happy that we weren't being hauled off to be murdered that I burst out laughing. I mean, big, loud, honking laughter. Jenna shot me a panicked look as the Vandy's scowl got even darker. "What's so funny, Miss Mercer?"
I stood up on wobbly legs and did my best to stop cracking up. "Sorry, it's just, um…"
"You said 'butts,'" Jenna blurted out. "And Sophie's got a really immature sense of humor."
"Right," I said, seizing on that. "Butts. Ha ha!"
I think if the Vandy could have murdered us right then and there, she probably would have. Instead she just thrust one finger toward the staircase and said, "Move it."
We scrambled from the room. ~ Rachel Hawkins

Humor is a very important thing. It is a natural predilection. It is an emotional release. ~ Ray Stevenson

However, the fact that American forces continued to work with the warlords and pay them gave them new power in their communities. They intimidated local people by telling them they could call in airstrikes on their satellite phones. And to the horror of many of the Europeans, Rumsfeld and other US officials would visit them as if they were important leaders. 'There is a certain illogic in trying to boost the authority of the central government on one hand and in conniving with local warlords on the other,' complained Chris Patten, the European Union Commissioner, when he visited Kabul in May 2002. 'There are things done in the short term which are unhelpful in the long term. ~ Christina Lamb

I collect collect calls from the 80s. I prefer them in mint condition, meaning the phone's still ringing. ~ Jarod Kintz

I do not understand what makes mothers think they are walking-talking thermometers.But I think somewhere during the process of giving birth and changing diapers, they actually begin to belive they have this supernatural sense. ~ Melody Carlson

The importance of humor is primarily to puncture fixed ideas - to make us step back and realize that our situation, whatever it may be, is, in the grand scheme of things, always contingent and arbitrary and ephemeral. And that helps us to deal with our emotions and to keep going. Holding on to one perspective, on the other hand, whether it takes the form of grief or anger or a particular political standpoint, is often destructive to us and to those around us ~ Paul Murray

The Cubs are a major league baseball team based in Chicago. Apparently, the team was once cursed by a goat and is doomed now to never win the World Series. The 71 seats [auctioned by the Chicago Board of Exchange] are adjacent to the Cubs' dugout on the third-base line. This is an unnecessary detail needed to give color to what would otherwise be a dull and uninspiring narrative. ~ Rakesh V. Vohra