Government Humor Quotes

On a far-flung parcel of government land situated somewhere in the vast reaches of parched American western desert sits an abandoned and long forgotten government facility known as Lost Cactus. That is what the shadowy agency ~ that operates there to this day ~ wants everyone from presidents on down to John Q. Public to believe. ~ John Hopkins

The payroll department was the only organized department they had, carefully and tediously ensuring no one was ever overpaid. ~ Mandy Ashcraft

The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think about it. ~ Amit Kalantri

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. ~ Jon Stewart

At 5.45 a.m. the important scientists finished their coffee and played rock paper scissors to see who had to phone the government. ~ Mitch Benn

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby. ~ H.L. Mencken

Anyway, why would you trust anything written down? She certainly didn't trust "Mothers of Borogravia!" and that was from the government. And if you couldn't trust the government, who could you trust?
Very nearly everyone, come to think of it ... ~ Terry Pratchett

We do need a system, and we do need you and your 'Bertos, and sometimes we need Sam to just come along and kick some ass. - Quinn ~ Michael Grant

Government is the Entertainment division of the military-industrial complex. ~ Frank Zappa

Remove God from the world of ideas. Remove government, politics from society. Keep sex, humor, utilities. Let private property go. ~ John Cage

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government ~ Monty Python And The Holy Grail

Above the podium stood a decorated board showing the agenda for the day. The first item of business was the world urban crisis, the second - the ecology crisis, the third - the air pollution crisis, the fourth - the energy crisis, the fifth - the food crisis. Then adjournment. ~ Stanislaw Lem

Now, paper and pencils, said Miss Marcy, clapping her hands.
Writing paper is scarce in this house, and I had no intention of tearing sheets out of this exercise book, which is a superb sixpenny one the Vicar gave me. In the end, Miss Marcy took the middle pages out of her library record, which gave us a pleasant feeling that we were stealing from the government, and then we sat round the table and elected her chairman. ~ Dodie Smith

…so that's why I'm pleased to announce my endorsement of Sarah Palin for President in 2016: because you know that whoever gets elected is going to fuck you over. So why not vote for somebody that you actually want to get fucked by? ~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

Apparently these new rulers of the world did not indulge in any drinking or smoking to soften their moods when they met, which Menelaus knew to be a big mistake. The Congress of the United States, back before the Disunion, always met sober, and look at what had come of that. ~ John C. Wright

I froze, shocked. (And don't try to claim that you did anything different the first time a government bureaucrat pulled a gun on you.) ~ Brandon Sanderson

You're Professor Mills? The new one who teaches history?
As opposed to the old Professor Mills who preached overthrow of the government? ~ Josh Lanyon

Alex listened as the two men argued, neither really listening to what the other had to say. So this was how the government worked! ~ Anthony Horowitz

Stiffenex! Holy Crap! ~ Terri Weeding

You kidding? So many preservatives in these things, I'll live forever. ~ Rick Riordan

Sometimes it's good to shake up the status quo. You just have to make sure that when you turn society on its ear, you don't end up on your coutoure-covered backside."--vivian ~ Donna Kauffman

The federal government could make a Rolls Royce affordable for every American, but we would not be a richer country as a result. We would in fact be a much poorer country, because of all the vast resources transferred from other economic activities to subsidize an extravagant luxury. [...] To have politicians arbitrarily change the price tags, so that prices no longer represent the real costs, is to defeat the whole purpose [of an economy: to make trade-offs, with the prices of a market economy representing the costs of producing things].
Reality doesn't change when the government changes price tags. Talk about "bringing down health care costs" is not aimed at the costly legal environment in which medical science operates, or other sources of needless medical costs. It is aimed at price control, which hides costs rather than reducing them. [...]
Whether in France during the 1790s, the Soviet Union after the Bolshevik revolution, or in newly independent African nations during the past generation, governments have imposed artificially low prices on food. In each case, this led to artificially low supplies of food and artificially high levels of hunger.
People who complain about the "prohibitive" cost of housing, or of going to college, for example, fail to understand that the whole point of costs is to be prohibitive. [...] The idea [that "basic necessities" should be a "right"] certainly sounds nice. But the very fact that we can seriously entertain such a notio ~ Thomas Sowell

The federal government needs to be scaled back to a size where he can personally stomp it to death with steel-toed boots. ~ Neal Stephenson

Mitt Romney is the American Borat ~ Bernard Whitman

Humor is a great defense, and an offense too. Usually the recipient isn't too happy about it, but the people around are laughing. ~ Robin Williams

Everyone is just a set of numbers that the government has access to. Humanity lies in the interpretation of those numbers. ~ Peter Tieryas

I might be 30 years old, but a girl never outgrows the need for her mother. ~ Debbie Macomber

Let the warning of the tyrants of the past be recognized for it shall be the same one ringing out when the tyrants of the present are unleashed. ~ Sai Marie Johnson

Whoever attentively considers the different departments of power must perceive, that, in a government in which they are separated from each other, the judiciary, from the nature of its functions, will always be the least dangerous to the political rights of the Constitution; because it will be least in a capacity to annoy or injure them. ~ Alexander Hamilton

Google is so my bitch ~ Hannah Harrington

I believe you to be Filidor Vesh," said the dwarf.

"You are entitled to your beliefs, however ill-founded," Filidor replied. "No doubt you will wish to search further for this Vesh, rather than impose your presence upon a man called hence by urgent affairs."

The dwarf transferred his grip from Filidor's mantle to his arm. His gaze swept quickly over the young man's features. "This belief is supported by the evidence, since you answer to a point the description furnished me."

"You are plainly the dupe of some prankster, who abuses the dignity of your years by sending you on a fool's errand," said Filidor. "Were I you, I would seek out the rascal and thrash him. ~ Matthew Hughes

Then, one glorious day, our principal announced that any student with a passing grade-point average could apply for a transfer to the new OASIS public school system. The real public school system, the one run by the government, had been an underfunded, overcrowded train wreck for decades. And now the conditions at many schools had gotten so terrible that every kid with half a brain was being encouraged to stay at home and attend school online. ~ Ernest Cline

How do you deal with it?" Kami asked Jared. "The laughing at nothing and occasionally stopping dead in your tracks."
"I have a system where when I stop, I lean casually against something," Jared told her. "It makes people think I'm a bad boy. Or possibly that I have a bad back. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

The future of the airlines lay in hauling people, not in hauling mail for the government. ~ C. R. Smith

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll." ~ George Carlin

I punched my hand through the water. I wanted to kick his ass. 'This is between me and Belly.' Smug piece of shit. - Conrad Fisher ~ Jenny Han

Now, al Qaeda's on the run. Afghanistan is no longer a base of operations. The Afghan government is a friendly government that is trying to bring democracy to its people. ~ Condoleezza Rice

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

Humor was also a defense mechanism from getting picked on at school. If I could be funny maybe people wouldn't bother me. ~ Pandora Boxx

What was that?" Belgarath asked, coming back around the corner.
"Brill," Silk replied blandly, pulling his Murgo robe back on.
"Again?" Belgarath demanded with exasperation. "What was he doing this time?"
"Trying to fly, last time I saw him." Silk smirked.
The old man looked puzzled.
"He wasn't doing it very well," Silk added.
Belgarath shrugged. "Maybe it'll come to him in time."
"He doesn't really have all that much time." Silk glanced out over the edge.
"From far below - terribly far below - there came a faint, muffled crash; then, after several seconds, another. "Does bouncing count?" Silk asked.
Belgarath made a wry face. "Not really."
"Then I'd say he didn't learn in time." Silk said blithely. ~ David Eddings

CUSTOMER: Oh, look, these books are all signed. (Pause) I wonder who signed them ? ~ Jen Campbell

The gift of my childhood was laughter, being able to find the humor. ~ Jennifer Aniston

Jamal stared at the dog in his arms. Why I am I holding a dog full of angels? ~ Diana Wynne Jones

173 despots would surely be as oppressive as one," wrote Jefferson in 1785 in his Notes on the State of Virginia. "An elective despotism was not the government we fought for."31 ~ Gordon S. Wood

My friend Madea has "attitude" that comes with wisdom. Back in our teens and twenties, we thought we knew everything and made all those foolish mistakes. Then, when we got a little older, at thirty, we started getting these flashes of light, revelations of what a great and lucky thing it is that we didn't get caught doing those stupid things back then. Around forty, if we are lucky, we stop lying to ourselves. Fifty and above, we've run out of patience for foolishness. Take me to the bottom line. ~ Tyler Perry

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Good government is that which delivers the citizen from being done out of his life and property too arbitrarily and violently-one that relieves him sufficiently from the barbaric business of guarding them to enable him to engage in gentler, more dignified, and more agreeable undertakings ... ~ H.L. Mencken

Governments do not necessarily act in the national interest, especially when making detailed microeconomic interventions. Instead, they are influenced by interest group pressures. The kinds of interventions that new trade theory suggests can raise national income will typically raise the welfare of small, fortunate groups by large amounts, while imposing costs on larger, more diffuse groups. ~ Paul Krugman

Atoms are round balls of wood invented by Dr. Dalton.
(Answer given by a pupil to a question on atomic theory, as reported by Sir Henry Enfield Roscoe.) ~ Henry Enfield Roscoe

Whenever I start thinking about death, it always cheers me up to think about my funeral and my tombstone (which, by the way, will say "Here lies Harlan Sturr. Please don't pee on him.") ~ Adam Selzer

The answer to all of life's problems are out there somewhere its just a question of finding the right book ~ Tammy Blackwell

You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been acquainted with goldsmiths' wives and conned them out of rings? ~ William Shakespeare

In a sense, I am a moralist, insofar as I believe that one of the tasks, one of the meanings of human existence - the source of human freedom - is never to accept anything as definitive, untouchable, obvious, or immobile. No aspect of reality should be allowed to become a definitive and inhuman law for us. We have to rise up against all forms of power - but not just power in the narrow sense of the word, referring to the power of a government or of one social group over another: these are only a few particular instances of power. Power is anything that tends to render immobile and untouchable those things that are offered to us as real, as true, as good. ~ Michel Foucault

If Congress can regulate this under the Commerce Clause, then it can regulate virtually anything-and the Federal Government is no longer one of limited and enumerated powers. ~ Clarence Thomas

Rochelle," she calls out, still looking at me. "Is there anyone down at the desk? I need something."
I'm too startled to move. Is she going to tell on me, get me in trouble?
Rochelle's gotten up; she's banging the toilet stall doors open one by one, checking to make sure no one's in there. When the last stall turns up empty, she gives Amanda an annoyed look. "What do you need this time of night?"
Amanda smiles at me, then turns to face Rochelle. "A tampon ~ Patricia McCormick

When they reached a maintenance closet, Iko ushered the escort-droid inside.
"I want you to know that I hold nothing against you," she said, by way of introduction. "I understand that it isn't your fault your programmer had so little imagination."
The escort-droid held her gaze with empty eyes.
"In another life, we could have been sisters, and I feel it's important to acknowledge that."
A blank stare. A blink, every six seconds.
"But as it stands, I'm a part of an important mission right now, and I cannot be swayed from my goal by my sympathy for androids who are less advanced than myself."
Nothing.
"All right then." Iko held out her hands. "I need your clothes. ~ Marissa Meyer

Romney is right that the Obama vision is too centered on government. But his is too centered on the promotion of business and wealth creation at the expense of everything else. ~ John Podhoretz

Republicans say they don't believe in government. Sure they do. They believe in government to help themselves and their powerful friends. ~ Elizabeth Warren

Luke Cage: "It's my house! I paid for it with my own money!"
Iron Fist: "My money."
Luke Cage: "His money, but it's still my house! ~ Brian Michael Bendis

So, okay. He was basically an amalgamation of every redheaded man to ever turn my crank (and how!). And he lived in a popular gay resort town, which meant the chances were above average that he might actually be interested. Watching him trot lightly down those stairs to the beach, I realized what my objective this summer would be.
Agent Carlisle, your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to find out which of these residences belongs to Mr. Strawberry-Blond Hunka Burnin' Love and convince him to do you on every horizontal surface - and against a few of the vertical ones. ~ Amelia C. Gormley

Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon. ~ Johannes Brahms

Darkness was cheap, and Scrooge liked it. ~ Charles Dickens

Hillary Clinton: putting big government spending financed by the Chinese ahead of good-paying jobs for middle-class Americans. Is she guilty or not guilty? ~ Chris Christie

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree. ~ Craig Ferguson

If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. (It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.) Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word National. ~ George Will