Sexuality Funny Quotes

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are. ~ Oliver Markus

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you'll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo ~ Cora Carmack

Dirty minds cums together. ~ Marion Bekoe

Rumors went round that I might be gay. In some ways, I was happy w/ this. Larry Rivers proved to me that a gay man could be wild, attractive, and courageous; in any case one's sexuality was becoming less of an issue every day. One of the great things about the British Mod movement was that being macho was no longer the only measure of manhood. ~ Pete Townshend

They were sorting, or classifying. It's easy-anyone dressed funny is the enemy, especially if they reject your supremacy or do not acknowledge school as entertainment. If the enemy tries to look like you and act like you, only in more affordable clothes, that person is still the enemy, only of a more contemptible, less terrifying variety- ~ Hilary Thayer Hamann

I was one of Them: the Strange Ones. The Funny People. The Odd Tribes of autograph collectors and photographers. The Ones who waited through long days and nights, who used other people's dreams for their lives. ~ Ray Bradbury

Mr. Haverstrom closes the door, leaving Patrick and me alone in the hallway. Pat smiles slickly, leaning in toward me. I step back until I press against the wall. It's uncomfortable - but not threatening. Mostly because in addition to racquetball I've practiced aikido for years. So if Patrick tries anything funny, he's in for a very painful surprise.

"Let's be honest, Sarah: you know and I know the last thing you want to do is give a presentation in front of hundreds of people - your colleagues."

My heart tries to crawl into my throat.

"So, how about this? You do the research portion, slides and such that I don't really have time for, and I'll take care of the presentation, giving you half the credit of course."

Of course. I've heard this song before - in school "group projects" where I, the quiet girl, did all the work, but the smoothest, loudest talker took all the glory.

"I'll get Haverstrom to agree on Saturday - I'm like a son to him," Pat explains before leaning close enough that I can smell the garlic on his breath. "Let Big Pat take care of it. What do you say?"

I say there's a special place in hell for people who refer to themselves in the third person.

But before I can respond, Willard's firm, sure voice travels down the hall.

"I think you should back off, Nolan. Sarah's not just 'up for it,' she'll be fantastic at it."

Pat waves his hand. "Quiet, midge - the adults ar ~ Emma Chase

I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil. ~ Uri Geller

What she really loved was to hang over the edge and watch the bow of the ship slice through the waves. She loved it especially when the waves were high and the ship rose and fell, or when it was snowing and the flakes stung her face. ~ Kristin Cashore

On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed. ~ Russell Brand

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don't even question your choices before you walk out of the house - you're a fucking weirdo. ~ Jen Kirkman

All I know is that when I whisper to dirt, my conversations are less than meaningful. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

I saw Hunter when I woke up. I saw Hunter as I ate a bowl of cereal. I saw him in human sexuality, where he seemed to be trying to break a record for most innuendos in one hour. I saw him at work where he assaulted my email. I saw him every night at dinner. I saw him go to and from the bathroom. I saw him at our stupid meditations, where were as pointless as socks with sandals.
I. Saw. Him. EVERYWHERE. ~ Chelsea M. Cameron

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer." ~ Steven Wright

I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall. ~ Mitch Hedberg

The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push. ~ Paul Reiser

I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything. ~ Oscar Wilde

He didn't care whose panties he put in a twist to catch this killer. He'd give the whole damned town wedgies if it meant finding out who killed Caroline before Katelyn was hurt and before Alan passed away. ~ Lori Ryan

My mother was an angel," I blurted. "A guardian angel."
Kaidan began to chuckle.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
"You. You're a walking contradiction. Horns and a halo. I don't belive it. ~ Wendy Higgins

What we want most is only to be held ... and told ... that everything (everything is a funny thing, is baby milk and Papa's eyes, is roaring logs on a cold morning, is hoot-owls and the boy who makes you cry after school, is Mama's long hair, is being afraid, and twisted faces on the bedroom wall) ... everything is going to be all right. ~ Truman Capote

Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are respectable affairs, after all. ~ Bauvard

A funny thing about women and machines: the combination made made curious. They seemed to think it had something to do with them. ~ Rachel Kushner

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. ~ George Bernard Shaw

The perception of him as brooding and dark and miserable, that is baloney. Kurt Cobain was a funny dude. ~ Krist Novoselic

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.. ~ Steven Wright

I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't! ~ George Bernard Shaw

They had a ... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available. ~ Clive James

I hereby excommunicate you from the Milky Way! ~ Jerome Lawrence

Dallas popped his jaw. I do not cackle. I bitch like a he-man. ~ Gena Showalter

Whoever has not experienced the pleasure of taking a young lady to her first game of ball should seize the first opportunity to do so. Her remarks about plays, her opinions of different players and the umpire, and the questions she will ask concerning the game, are all too funny to be missed. ~ John Montgomery Ward

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger. ~ Steven Wright

My second hit was a flop. ~ Shakin' Stevens