Fantasy Humor Quotes

Santa was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatsoever about that. The after-action report was signed by the field commander, the director of operations, the secretary of the Office of Sidhe Affairs, and the chief battle-mage. Janus had signed it - and Janus's word could be counted upon for anything he chose to put his name to. Old Saint Nicholas, the Sidhe Lord of the Yuletide, was as dead as a door-nail.
It didn't stick. ~ Chris Lester

Darius stood and grunted as his thigh reminded him it had an arrow-shaped hole in it. ~ Andy Blinston

That's one huge puppy. ~ Ksenia Anske

My name's Jean Tannen, and I'm the ambush. ~ Scott Lynch

Miraculously, I keep it together, although I would love to just slap the stupid out of them. ~ Brandy Nacole

He peered down at me. "Jesus Christ. You're leaking."
If by "leaking" he meant "sobbing like a girl," I guess so. ~ Lili St. Crow

I'm not going," he said. He held up the Third key like a weapon. Sensing his mood, it grew longer and sharper, till he was holding a trident as long as he was tall ... "And anyone who tries to make me is going to suffer."
"Twice," added the voice under the table. ~ Garth Nix

Ms. Wrack's mother, Mrs. Wrack, had been a mermaid: a proper one who lived on a rock and combed her hair and sang. But sailors had never been lured to their doom by her, partly because she looked like the back of a bus and partly because modern ships are so high out of the water that they never even saw her ~ Eva Ibbotson

Clearing his throat "It is very improper for a lady to open the door, to a person of the opposite sex in her… sleeping attire."
"Improper? I look like I am wearing a rug," I exclaimed, as I motioned at the calf-length thick red fabric; that I was wearing with wide shoulder straps. "Secondly, I don't see you as human, let alone a man. You are more like a homicidal invention, of my hormonal teenage nightmare; which I can't seem to be able to awake from. ~ S.R. Gibbs

There is not always a light at the end of the tunnel. That is why you must carry a torch. ~ J. Zachary Pike

Aren't we all a bunch of weirdos? ~ Kaori Naruse

It looks as though your shop is doing well," Luka said gazing around, "Could you help me find a gift for a lady friend of mine?"
My heart plunged to my grenn satin slippers, and I had to stare down at Azarte for a minute, petting him hard. Naturally Luka had a "lady friend." She was probably nobly born: the daughter of a count or a duke. I imagined her having thick dark hair and clear skin, and was bitterly jealous. "Of course," I stammered after a time. "What would she like? A gown? A sash?" If she came in for a fitting, I decided to "accidentlly" poke her with every pin. ~ Jessica Day George

The tune was wailing and mournful, almost flagrantly so, and the total effect was of a heartbroken piccolo being parted forever from its bagpipe lover. ~ Peter S. Beagle

Where have all the Fembots gone? ~ Ren Garcia

Gabrielle chuckled, her dark eyes twinkling. "So he's been after you, has he? Poor Etta, pursued by a sun priest offering to pleasure - "
"Every nook and cranny," Marietta interrupted dryly and Gabrielle tipped her head back with a throaty laugh. ~ Michelle O'Leary

Anyway, it's unthinkable! Dragons and knights are born enemies. They need to be enemies just like dogs hate cats, cats hate mice and mice hate scientists. Without somebody to hate where would all the hate go? The hate would just boil up inside you, eat away and cause you to have indigestion then a heart attack. We need to release the anger, and we release it on dragons who release it back on us. We slay them and they roast us. It is the natural order of things, Emma. ~ Elias Zapple

Melody began to mumble incomprehensibly under her breath as she worked frantically on securing her most important papers into bankers boxes.
Her father stomped into her room, eating a banana.
Melody looked up at him with a sweaty and nauseated look on her face. "What are you tramping around so heavily about?" she asked him.
Bernie finished the last of the banana, and then held the peel in his hand as though it were a washcloth he had just found on the floor of a gym locker room.
Melody pointed to her trashcan with her eyes.
"I make an insane amount of noise when I approach you, because you once yelled at me claiming that I was 'sneaking up on you'," Bernie replied, using finger quotes on the last phrase. "That kind of treatment stays with a guy."
Melody shook her head. Her father knew how much she hated finger quotes. Why he insisted on using them was beyond her. "I was five at the time", she said.
"Ah," Bernie said, with a knowing grin on his face. "The angry period. ~ B.M.B. Johnson

The first time I saw Cricket, I loved her. Little did I know that skinny, goofy girl would one day grow up to be a great dragon slayer. I would have pegged her for a shoemaker. ~ Ash Gray

The world is Absolutely Brilliant. Difficult sometimes. Confusing often. But humorous almost always. ~ Henry L. Walton

When words come out of your mouth, do your ears just block all incoming sound waves? ~ Amethyst Marie

If the spell was off, I'd have my heart eaten before I could turn around."
"Don't you want your heart eaten?" asked the fire. [ ... ]
"Naturally I don't," Sophie answered. ~ Diana Wynne Jones

I'm in love with you."
"Good grief." She kept walking. ~ Tahereh Mafi

The patient knife always strikes true."
– Soninke saying ~ ErraticErrata

Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn't sparkle. ~ Heather Brewer

Cricket nodded apologetically. She ripped the blankets back and hopped off her bed. Enkai snorted out a laugh, and it took her a moment to realize she wasn't wearing pants. ~ Ash Gray

It's like a jolt of electricity, but worse. ~ Lee Davidson

He can talk!"
"Yes, I can speak any language you want, fly, and breath fire." Air Raid said proudly.
"Can you do anything else?" the boy asked.
Air Raid thought for a moment then said, "I can sing."
"No, he can't. And please don't ask him to prove it," Ally quickly said looking at the fawn haired girl pleadingly.
"I'll believe you this time," the fawn hair girl said. After being proven wrong several times already she didn't want to take any more chances. ~ Jennifer Priester

Now that your speech impediment has been rectified, perhaps you might say something. It would be best if it were humorous. I enjoy a good jest.'

'You are dreadfully rude,' I said to him.

He sighed. 'That wasn't the slightest bit funny. ~ Danielle L. Jensen

She was murdered by rebels.' He took in her unconcealed look of shock. 'So there you go. Something for you to celebrate.'
Magnus turned away from her, ready to find solace in his chambers, but the princess grabbed his arm to stop him. He sent a dark look at her over his shoulder.
'I would never celebrate death, no matter whose it is,' she said, her gaze filled with anger and something else. Something that looked vaguely like sympathy.
'Come now, I'm sure you wouldn't mourn any Damora.'
'I know very well what it's like to lose a parent in a tragic way.'
'Oh, yes, we have so much in common. Maybe we should get married. ~ Morgan Rhodes

In fact the Gods were as puzzled by all this as the wizards were, but they were powerless to do anything and in any case were engaged in an eons-old battle with the Ice Giants, who had refused to return the lawnmower. ~ Terry Pratchett

I hope I never smell the smell of apples again!" said Fili. "My tub was full of ut. To smell apples everlastingly when you can scarcely move and are cold and sick with hunger is maddening. I could eat anything in the wide world now for hours on end - but not an apple! ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

When did you suddenly become Mister Maturity? ~ Michael Buckley

A wise man once said that any human being is capable of infinite achievement, so long as it's not the work they're supposed to be doing. ~ K.J. Parker

She released her weapon with one hand, twisted around, and kissed him. It was the deepest she had ever kissed him. Blood filled his face, and he went limp at the touch of her lips. Namine took the moment of dropped defense to put Zarrys flat on his back with a long blade at his throat before he even knew what was happening. As he looked up the long shaft to her smiling face, he gave an embarrassed chuckle. Fallon and Kirah were laughing behind her.
"Me," Namine said proudly. Then she withdrew the weapon and helped Zarrys back to his feet.
Cheeks burning, Zarrys returned his sword to its sheath. "That's cheating. ~ S.R. Ford

And that's what I don't like about magic, Captain. 'cos it's *magic*. You can't ask questions, it's magic. It doesn't explain anything, it's magic. You don't know where it comes from, it's magic! That's what I don't like about magic, it does everything by magic! ~ Terry Pratchett

When the mind is free, magic happens. ~ C.G. Rousing

Yes," Curran said. "We'd like you to officiate."
"I'm sorry?"
"We'd like you to marry us," I said.
Roman's eyes went wide. He pointed to himself. "Me?"
"Yes," Curran said.
"Marry you?"
"Yes."
"You do know what I do, right?"
"Yes," I said. "You're Chernobog's priest. ~ Ilona Andrews

Leo," Jason said, "you're weird."
"Yeah, you tell me that a lot." Leo grinned. "But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes ... ! ~ Rick Riordan

He held out his hand to Sophie, just like Mrs. Pentstemmon, but a little less royally. Sophie levered herself up, wondering if she was meant to kiss this hand or not. But since she felt more like raising her stick and beating the King over the head with it, she shook the King's hand and gave a creaking little curtsy. ~ Diana Wynne Jones

It felt like he'd been dragged through the nine circles of hell - by his testicles. ~ Kay Berrisford

It probably wasn't entirely her fault that she was such a bitter person. Having a name like Grace can be a serious stigma, especially when nature has endowed you with about as much charm as that of a disillusioned walrus. ~ Sorin Suciu

You must be a rich human," went on Holonie. "You could have come here with bodyguards, dogs, something. But you came here alone. Very risky. Nearly insane. Completely stupid."
Elbryn laughed his flat, humorless laugh. "Thanks? ~ Ash Gray

:She still didn't have to lock you in a box,: said the wolf, emerging from Cricket's thoughts. :If she does that again, I will eat her.:
Cricket laughed. :You wouldn't do that.:
:No, I would not. But as your companion and protector, I must bristle and play the part.: ~ Ash Gray

Good news is, we're annoying him. Bad news is, we're all going to die painfully. ~ Brandy Nacole

It takes real planning to organize this kind of chaos. ~ Mel Odom

Gaining power's a lot like scaling a tower, Chancellor. The longer you do, the more likely you are to fall."
– Dread Empress Regalia the First, before ordering her Chancellor thrown out the window ~ ErraticErrata

Lucifer had been ranting his endless laundry list of complaints for forty-five minutes now, and Louhi still didn't know exactly what she was supposed to apologize for. There was something about her plant having eaten his cape while he had been waiting, as for the rest… She wished she could read an immortal's thoughts, but their brains were constructs, simulations… Which actually explained a lot. ~ Gabriele Russo

One becomes sated with platitudes no less than honey, so that one often breaks another's bones in one's vexation. ~ Jack Vance

Recent studies have shown that approximately 40% of authors are manic depressive. The rest of us just drink. ~ Melodie Campbell

Your name isn't Sniffles?" Ewan pretended to be surprised. ~ C.J. Milbrandt

You can only fight one man at a time with a sword, but, with a pen, you can compose a lecture to bore legions of enemy troops to death. ~ Lindsay Buroker

Thinking sure could get a fellow in a lot of trouble. Almost as much as opening his big gabber and sticking his muddy foot in it. ~ Gillian Bronte Adams

Never back the Praesi in a corner, son. That's when the devil-summoning starts, and it's all downhill from there."
-King Jehan of Callow, addressing the future King Pater the Unheeding ~ ErraticErrata

So what did you do, drug me, stuff me in the trunk, then dump me like a sacrificial offering into that vampire's coffin? - Shella ~ Krista Alasti

A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given a drink to unsteady his nerves. ~ Terry Pratchett

Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there. ~ Terry Pratchett

A wolf is clever-clever-clever, and they are as faithful as a debt unpaid. ~ Tad Williams

Verily, for nine hundred years have I lost. Everyone I knew is dead, the empire gone, and who knows in what state the world is left. Should what thy sister reports prove true, much hath changed in the world."
"By the way," Royce mentioned, "No one uses the words 'tis or hath anymore and certainly not thou, thy, or verily. ~ Michael J. Sullivan

In the beginning there was Logos ... and God of course. And it was all extremely boring for Logos because he could never beat God at any game ... ~ Yannis Karatsioris

Always mistrust these three: a battle that seems won, a chancellor who smiles and a ruler calling you friend."
– Extract from the personal journals of Dread Emperor Terribilis II ~ ErraticErrata

An elephant is almost a unicorn! ~ Laura C Goodwin

Without thinking about it at all, Harry stepped in front of Hermione.
There was an intake of breath from behind him, and then a moment later Hermione brushed past and stepped in front of him. "Run, Harry!" she said. "Boys shouldn't have to be in danger. ~ Eliezer Yudkowsky

He sighed and opened the black box and took out his rings and slipped them on. Another box held a set of knives and Klatchian steel, their blades darkened with lamp black. Various cunning and intricate devices were taken from velvet bags and dropped into pockets. A couple of long-bladed throwing tlingas were slipped into their sheaths inside his boots. A thin silk line and folding grapnel were wound around his waist, over the chain-mail shirt. A blowpipe was attached to its leather thong and dropped down the back of his cloak; Teppic picked a slim tin container with an assortment of darts, their tips corked and their stems braille-coded for ease of selection in the dark.

He winced, checked the blade of his rapier and slung the baldric over his right shoulder, to balance the bag of lead slingshot ammunition. As an afterthought he opened his sock drawer and took a pistol crossbow, a flask of oil, a roll of lockpicks and, after some consideration, a punch dagger, a bag of assorted caltrops and a set of brass knuckles.

Teppic picked up his hat and checked it's lining for the coil of cheesewire. He placed it on his head at a jaunty angle, took a last satisfied look at himself in the mirror, turned on his heel and, very slowly, fell over. ~ Terry Pratchett

Get off me!" Badger tried to roll away, but Azrael held his palms over the baker's eyes again and more white light poured out. "You're blinding me! Stop!"

"No," said Azrael.

"Please!"

"I can't hear you over the sound of my total indifference. ~ Mirriam Neal

An uncomfortable marriage can not bear the strain of the death of a beloved donkey. ~ Merrie Haskell

Wonderful." Avenant rolled his eyes. "Letty's killed the doctor. Now I'll have to start all over with training another one to stand when I enter a room. It'll take weeks. ~ Cassandra Gannon

The key to having good scales is a healthy diet of venison when you're just a wee dragon lad. ~ Sully Tarnish

He had existed for a long time and was fluent in many languages - most of them…dead ones. ~ Alan Kinross

Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren't careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast. ~ Alan Kinross

If the president and the Vice President dies who becomes President" "Thats easy Arnold Swartzanager ~ Dan Gutman

He had taken the precaution of closing the inside shutters of the only window, and his staff, though it leaned lightly on the door, was capable of keeping out anyone who did not want to smash his way in with an ax. ~ John Bellairs

I keep asking myself," whispered Sabetha, giving Locke's arm a squeeze, "ARE we smarter than that woman's chicken?"
"At the moment, it's an open question," said Locke. ~ Scott Lynch

I'd appreciate a phone call before you try to break into my office again-Matthew Carter ~ Natasha Larry

Never practice magic when you're drunk. ~ Assaph Mehr

Eldon doesn't have to play if he doesn't want to," Tobias repeated, his fist tightening on the fork.

Eldon sensed with dread that their aunt was in great danger of being stabbed. ~ Ash Gray

What goes up must come down, unless a dragon eats it. ~ Brian Rathbone

PDR: Persons of Dubious Reality; refugees from the collective consciousness. Uninvited visitors who have fallen through the grating that divides the real, from the written. They arrive with their actions hardwired due to their repetitious existence and the older and more basic they are, the more rigidly they stick to them. Characters from cautionary tales are particularly mindless; they do what they do because it's what they've always done.
And it's our job to stop them. ~ Jasper Fforde

That was not a glare. That was a dignified look of measured contempt. ~ Brandon Sanderson

Toads are to dragons what carrots are to unicorns. ~ Ness Kingsley

You've never had wok-seared spicy broccoli until you've had takeout trans-temporal wok-seared spicy broccoli delivered by a copy of yourself. ~ Magnus Von Black

Ted thought maybe he could start a fight about Shelly that could serve as a distraction. Or maybe he should just knock over the nearest video display and flee the state. ~ Kristen Roupenian

And we're not lost."
We are so fucking lost. Literally adrift in the nothing space between universes. ~ Blake Crouch

I'll tell you something. Once I was very fond of a poem by Emily Dickinson or somebody. I only remember one line of it, but it goes, 'The soul selects her own society.' I used to tell it to everybody. Once I quoted it to a friend of mine, and he said, 'Maybe, but the body gets thrown into bed with the goddamnedest people. ~ Peter S. Beagle

The day the Dragon chooses a male virgin instead of a female as his yearly sacrifice, the entire kingdom erupts into mass protests and anger. ~ Mads Sukalikar

Something different was happening to William alright, as if Winkleberry wasn't different enough. ~ S.Z. Berg

We've got an unbeatable team."- Sauron ~ Robert Lynn Asprin

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard? ~ Jefferson Smith

You better not be dead. This team is already overflowing with ankle spankers. I was looking forward to having more women around."
Yara's eyelids fluttered open. She blinked a few times, focused on him, and frowned.
"Ankle spanker? The only thing you've got that'll reach that far is your ego. ~ Lindsay Buroker

But it is cute. It's such a boy thing to do.
Drop dead.
Aw, you say the most romantic things. ~ Eliezer Yudkowsky

What Foundling does isn't thinking outside the box so much as stealing the box and hitting her opponents with it until they stop moving."
– Extract from "A Commentary on the Uncivil Wars", by Juniper of the Red Moon Clan ~ ErraticErrata

Maxine," Grant said, but I barely heard him. I was lost in that vision, in those emotions - the pain, and hunger for pain, forming the root of so much
agonized rage.
" 'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate,'" I muttered.
"Yoda, from Star Wars?"
" 'Hate leads to suffering.'" I met his gaze. "Yoda knows his shit, man."
Grant's mouth crooked in a gentle smile. ~ Marjorie M. Liu

What happened out there?"
"I almost got quarking toasted by a dragon."
"A dragon," he repeats, scandalized. "Are you mad? Or have you been skulking around the bars of Barbary XIII? ~ Nenia Campbell

Hindsight isn't a super power. ~ SE Zbasnik

Robert explained how much simpler it was to pay money for things than to exchange them as the people were doing in the market. Later on the soldier gave the coins to his captain, who, later still, showed them to Pharaoh, who of course kept them and was much struck with the idea. That was really how coins first came to be used in Egypt. You will not believe this, I daresay, but really, if you believe the rest of the story, I don't see why you shouldn't believe this as well. ~ E. Nesbit

Step One: Grab Mattie. Step Two: Run. It wasn't much of a plan. But what it lacked in potential it made up for in simplicity. ~ Ted Rabinowitz

That's it? That's all that happens after you topple from grace? We lose our rubies and rations?" Marshall smirked. "Woe is me. ~ Sophie Avett

Hey!" I turned, crossing my arms and glaring. "I was talking to him!"
Tybalt eyed me with amusement, which just made me glare harder. "No, you were inciting him to stab you with a toothpick. Again, the difference is small, but I think it matters. ~ Seanan McGuire

Then again, in some of our meetings, the Upyri bring cocktails, shaking both cocks and tails. Bitches. You can't live with them, they can't live without you. It's a lose-lose situation. ~ Yannis Karatsioris

I believe you to be Filidor Vesh," said the dwarf.

"You are entitled to your beliefs, however ill-founded," Filidor replied. "No doubt you will wish to search further for this Vesh, rather than impose your presence upon a man called hence by urgent affairs."

The dwarf transferred his grip from Filidor's mantle to his arm. His gaze swept quickly over the young man's features. "This belief is supported by the evidence, since you answer to a point the description furnished me."

"You are plainly the dupe of some prankster, who abuses the dignity of your years by sending you on a fool's errand," said Filidor. "Were I you, I would seek out the rascal and thrash him. ~ Matthew Hughes

May you and your triple cursed wash water turn purple with orange spots and fall down a bottomless pit! ~ Patricia C. Wrede