Comedy Clubs Quotes

Every few months I'll pop into a comedy club or go to Vegas. ~ Kevin James

From 1987 to 1992, I was on the road for 40 weeks a year playing comedy clubs, and that was during the 'comedy boom.' ~ Andy Kindler

You start in bars and then restaurants, then you want to get into comedy clubs where you feature, then you headline, and once you sell out clubs you're into theaters. I've been able to get there, and it's cool to do that. ~ Bill Burr

Over the years, I managed to develop this comedy career, went from opening act to headliner at comedy clubs, to playing concert halls, and had an off-Broadway show with 'Sleepwalk With Me.' ~ Mike Birbiglia

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience. ~ Doug Stanhope

When I was a child, I wanted to watch things that made me laugh. It's attacking boredom, as simple as that. I was 19 when I first went to a comedy club - I wanted to do it, so I gave it a try and that was it. I found my office. ~ Dylan Moran

Comedy clubs are sacred ground. That's where anything goes. ~ Tracy Morgan

Comedy clubs can be brutal. Those people are for real, and if you aren't funny, they aren't laughing. They don't care who you are. ~ Marlon Wayans

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there. ~ Ron White

I've never gone to comedy clubs. ~ Don Rickles

I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed. ~ Bill Burr

There's nothing like the energy in a small comedy club room or a small theater when it's going really well. I can see everybody's face practically in the whole room. There's no cameras in the way, and it's just me. ~ Drew Carey

TV is easier: it's all planned out for you, and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up, but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over. To me, that's more pure. ~ Drew Carey

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I worked at comedy clubs - if I can use the term 'work' - for several years. I middled at one point. I never made it; I was never a headliner. I never made enough time to write enough good material, in my opinion. ~ Bill Nye

The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club. ~ Jim Gaffigan

I follow the baseball team on the Internet more than I do the football team. Generally you can get a Nebraska game anywhere. Before I started doing big arenas and stuff and had a tour bus when I was just working comedy clubs way back when I would always listen to the games in my hotel room on the Internet. ~ Larry The Cable Guy

Dave brought a knife and a gun to a comedy show. Because of a disagreement about whether or not comedy clubs are safe for women. Because the way people talk onstage has no bearing on how they behave in real life. It's ~ Lindy West

Homophobia is a tough one. In some places it's actually very OK to be homophobic. Comedy clubs in general are very unsafe spaces for LGBT, for women, for Asian people. So my goal in comedy has sort of been to make this a safe space for people who were like me. ~ Margaret Cho

Of all the awards, the Stand-up Comic Audience Award is our favorite. It is a chance to honor the performers who spend much of their careers developing their craft and working in the comedy clubs all over America. ~ George Schlatter

The way I view comedy clubs is, people are drinking, they're ordering food, they're out for the night, and there's also a person onstage talking. And with the theater, they came to the theater, and they're waiting to hear what you say. So you'd better have something to say. ~ Mike Birbiglia

Comedy clubs are arguably one of the last bastions of uncensored, public free speech. ~ Ted Alexandro

If I'm not directing it, I need to be right in the director's ear so we can be talking about this." You do something like use the wrong music, the tone's off, and everything feels off". And I was like, "I'm not going down with this one. I wrote it, but I don't like that play." Then I thought, "Well, no one's producing my stuff, letting me star in it, and direct it at these theaters, so I'll just do them in comedy clubs." ~ Jake M. Johnson

Bob Saget was known, in the comedy clubs in those days, as extremely funny but with dark humor. It was always an inside joke among comics, when he got Full House, it was, like, wow, hes playing this all-American dad kind of thing. That was not Bob Saget. His comedic style is definitely more twisted, and he has an edgier side than he showed in Full House. ~ Bob Saget

Even though I have fond feelings for comedy clubs, I enjoy the focus you get in a theater. Comedy clubs are a different animal. People are being served nachos and there's a blender going off in the background. ~ Brian Regan

Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces. ~ Eugene Mirman

When I was in third grade I taught myself ventriloquism ... What's hard is to learn to be an entertainer and make people laugh. I was a few years out of college before I felt I had enough material. Then in 1988 I moved to L.A. and started to do some shows at comedy clubs. ~ Jeff Dunham

I came to Vegas because I wanted to, not because I thought it could help my career. I didn't even know they had comedy clubs here. ~ Ron Shock

Go to humorous events at comedy clubs and watch laughable movies. ~ Jeffrey Gitomer

If I had to perform in a comedy club I would bomb; I would be trying too hard. ~ Henry Rollins

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week. ~ Emo Philips

Pete Dye introduced me to golf course design back in the 1960's. He came to my hometown Columbus, Ohio to work on The Golf Club. ~ Jack Nicklaus

Working with Woody [Allen] is like an emotional strip club without the cash. ~ Cate Blanchett

Forty minutes later, my hatred for field hockey was in full bloom, courtesy of Nikki. Whoever thought it was a good idea to combine Tag with wooden golf clubs and a rodent-size ball should be beaten senseless. ~ K.R. Conway

I would never bring a kid to a comedy show myself, but I have noticed that I can't stop other people from bringing their kids. ~ Kristen Schaal

I've been singing since I was 8 years old and working in clubs since I was 14. I've been working full time since I was 16. ~ Randy Travis

I moved from acting to stand-up because castings are just about what you look like. It doesn't matter if you can act or not. In comedy, no one cares what you look like. ~ Mark Billingham

I think a lot comes from having the experience of doing stand-up comedy. It allows you to figure out the psychology of an audience; what things are funny and not. ~ Keenen Ivory Wayans

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. ~ Demetri Martin

They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it. ~ Tommy Bolt

I think hip-hop does a very good job of infusing comedy and humor and wit into music, a lot more than other genres. ~ Carrie Brownstein

Marcus looked down. "Ah, man! This was my favorite shirt. Who tore it?" he asked, trying to pull the ragged edges together. ~ Ripley Patton

Comedy is a great tool. We [comics] are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them. ~ Trevor Noah

I can honestly say, after talking about my mom passing away, I got the biggest weight off of my chest. Comedy is my therapy. That's how I deal with my problems, my personal battles. I talk about it. I give it to my fans. When they laugh at it, it's a release, for lack of a better word. ~ Kevin Hart

I think the Dutch certainly get British comedy. And let's face it; a lot of it is pretty low-hanging fruit for the whole world now. There are probably tribes in the heart of the Papua New Guinean rainforest that know all the words to the Dead Parrot sketch. ~ Rhianna Pratchett

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

I was always singing but didn't plan on pursuing it seriously. When I got to New York City when I was 18, I started playing in clubs in Brooklyn - I have good friends and devoted fans on the underground scene, but we were playing for each other at that point - and that was it. ~ Lana Del Rey

I was surrounded at the time by about a dozen of the enemy, whose clubs rattled upon me without mercy, and the strokes of my sabre were rendered uncertain by the energetic pushes of an attendant who thus hoped to save me. ~ Richard Francis Burton

Big L is my favorite rapper of all time. He got killed quite a few years ago now but I think he's amazing and he kind of inspires me like his style inspires me. I don't think there's been anyone better since. I mean, Biggie Smalls is definitely on the top of the list but Big L is like the underdog, I like to give him the edge. ~ Andy Milonakis

The rain is colder than I expect - which is ridiculous, since it's March. My cheeks are freezing by the time we go two blocks, my hair has a sodden weight on my shoulder. My glasses are so wet I need to shove them in a pocket. I threw Mom's pullover windbreaker over my sweatshirt before leaving the house, thinking it would be waterproof, but I am so wrong.

By the time I make the final turn for the church, I wonder if I'm stupid for being out here. It's pouring so hard that a haze has formed around the streetlight, and I can barely see anything through the darkness.

My sneakers squish in the grass. I get to the spot where we sat for the last two nights.

And of course he's not there.

I sigh. Only a complete moron would go meet in the rain.

Then Texy woofs and bounces on her front paws.

I turn, and it's like I'm in a chick flick. His shadowed figure lopes across the grass.

Okay, maybe the dark and rain make it more like a horror movie than a romantic comedy, BUT STILL.

He draws to a stop in front of me. He had the sense to wear a heavy, waterproof coat over his hoodie, but the hood is soaked and rain drips down his cheeks.

"Hey," he says, his voice a little loud over the rain.

I'm blushing. I tell my cheeks to knock it off. "Hey."

"I wasn't sure you'd show up, but I didn't have a way to text you …"

"I had the same thought process. ~ Brigid Kemmerer

I've remained friends with all of them. We'remaking a fun kids movie and it's a comedy so we're just having fun and running around fighting these aliens. ~ Carter Jenkins

I went to Dartmouth College so simply by being an Indian-American woman, I was already so statistically interesting. And then the fact that I didn't want to do anything science-related, and I wanted to write comedy plays and act little bit - I mean, I became deeply interesting in college because of how rare that was. ~ Mindy Kaling

Keep cool, Corri. Don't panic until he says the word "alien." That's the time to panic. ~ Patricia Eimer

I wasn't always black ... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger. ~ Bill Cosby

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags. ~ Frankie Boyle

Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention ... that antenna is always out there. ~ Bob Newhart

The rendering of my thoughts, emotions, and experiences is part comedy and part tragedy as well as history, for life is such a mingling. ~ Karen Harper

Social media is basically standing at a bucket filled with other people's vomit and you suck the vomit through a straw, and gag and wince at the unbearable taste of other people's vomit. Yet strangely we continue to suck through the straw as if we've never tasted such lovely vomit. And then before you know it you're old and you're grey. And that's the end of you. A lonely death. Your gravestone is marked with the six saddest words:

Social Media Drained My Soul Away

And they all mourn your loss at a budget funeral service while updating their social media statuses on mobile phones apps. And in years to come nobody remembers any of your updates; even those updates that you deep-down believed were going to bring about world peace. The Digital Age is more disposable than nappies and just as full of shit. ~ Rupert Dreyfus

What's SQ?" asked Evan.
"Sexual Quotient."
"What's that?"
"Basically, it's your odds of getting laid. Everyone has an SQ. just like everyone has an IQ."
"I've never heard that term before."
"That's because I made it up."
"That figures. Finally applying your actuarial skills to what really matters, eh? ~ Zack Love

The profilers' plan to coax me out of the woods resembled a comedy skit. During their search of my Cane Creek trailer, the feds had found dozens of books on the Civil War. And interviews with my friends confirmed that I was a bona fide Civil War buff. The profilers looked at all this Civil War "stimuli" and concluded that my hiding in the mountains was a form of role-playing. Starring in my own Civil War fantasy, I was a lone rebel fighting for the Lost Cause, and the task force was a Yankee army out to capture me. To talk On August 16, the task force pulled out of the woods while Bo and his rebels went in. They had to look the part, so the FBI profilers dressed them in white hats with the word "REBEL" stenciled in red letters across the front; and around their neck each rebel wore a Confederate flag bandanna.me into surrendering, they needed some of my rebel comrades to convince me that
the war was over and it was time to lay down my arms. Colonel Gritz and his crew were assigned the role of my rebel comrades. They were there to "rescue" me from the Yankee horde.

Bo's band of rebels pitched camp down in Tusquitee, north of the town of Hayesville. Beginning at Bob Allison Campground – the place where I'd abandoned Nordmann's truck – they worked their way west into the Tusquitee Mountains. They walked the trails, blowing whistles and yelling "Eric, we're here with Bo Gritz to save you." They searched for a week.

I lost it when I heard on the radio th ~ Eric Rudolph

Comradeship is obvious and universal and open; but it is only one kind of affection; it has characteristics that would destroy any other kind. Anyone who has known true comradeship in a club or in a regiment, knows that it is impersonal. ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate. ~ Bill Bailey

Mr. Monogamy doesn't find my shenanigans funny? Oh thank god, if you did I'd have to chuck it all and join a monastery. ~ Kim Cormack

Yes, they allowed us to play around a lot because, like we said, the director's such a good comedy director. ~ Kevin McDonald

Can you faint from awesome boy scent? ~ Nikki Godwin

I should have known that having "end of the world" sex wouldn't solve our problems. Though, it was pretty great and I highly recommend it. ~ Jesse Petersen

Comedians on the stage are invariably suicidal when they get home. ~ Elsa Lanchester