Sarcastic One Liners Quotes

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. ~ Forrest Tucker

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ~ Erma Bombeck

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Why is it that men reduce themselves to one-liners and bad movie quotes whenever they get into a fight?" said Parker. "Is there some kind of script they're supposed to follow when they get to this point? Or does the raging testosterone just shut down their higher brain functions? ~ Matt Forbeck

Beg for mercy," said the Elephant.
That one was easy. "Mercy!" said the Marquis. "I beg! I plead! Show me mercy - the finest of all gifts. It befits you, mighty Elephant, as lord of your own demesne, to be merciful to one who is not even fit to wipe the dust from your excellent toes ... "
"Did you know," said the Elephant, "that everything you say sounds sarcastic? ~ Neil Gaiman

I have only one ambition left: I should like to have a good epitaph. ~ Otto Von Bismarck

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him. ~ Oscar Wilde

One of my first films was Zebrahead. I remember the producer asking me, "Can you handle the big lights?" And I thought, Do I want to be sarcastic, or do I want the job? So I said, "I don't handle the big lights, I just tell big men where to put the big lights and they do it." ~ Maryse Alberti

Impersonating a quiet, gentle librarian like Barbara Gordon
You deserve to be taken out of circulation! ~ Karl Kesel

..each ministry has an allocation of money to spend on projects agreed to by the government.
Every Secretary of State is acutely aware that his tenure of office maybe very short, so he picks out a major contract for himself from the many available.
It's the one way to ensure a pension for life if the government is changed overnight or the minister simply loses his job. ~ Jeffrey Archer

Dear lady, ... dear gentleman, reader, [it's] not right ... to put down this writer on his writing ... And I'll tell you why, too: it hurts, that's why.... People try to understand why writers commit suicide by jumping off boats or by alcoholism or by being heroic continuously or by rope or gun or drug or knife or water, and ... I can tell you straight out, ... it is reading slurring remarks about their writing that drives writers to the grave. Dirty remarks passed by ... dirty but damned nicely educated and very highly-paid ladies and gentlemen have the effect of killing writers. Yes, that's right. Dirty words ... in slick paper magazines read by smart people do assassinate writers. ... And boy let me tell you I am all for it, even when by some ... misunderstanding the dirty words are directed to me rather than to the party really deserving them. Accidents happen, dear clever reviewer or critic, and let it not be said that William Saroyan is one not to see a situation from the point of view of the other party, ... and I shall be the first to defend your right to be critical and even sarcastic, knowing full well that it is not about me and my writing, although my name is by mistake taken in vain by you. ... But go on, go on, do your good clever writing, every one of you, I am home, your are home, and we are each of us not yet on Variety's Necrology list, so if we can't take it, who can? ~ William Saroyan

Shithead Boss Man, eh? You know, Dylan, I really lucked out in the assistant department. The other partners in the firm have ended up with someone awful, who soothes them, is at their beck and call and agrees with them all the time. I got one who is sarcastic, argumentative, scruffy, rarely where he should be, and calls me Shithead Boss Man rather than Sir."

Jude laughs at him, before reaching out and swiping one of the prawns from my carton of sweet and sour. "He'd call you Sir if you spanked him. ~ Lily Morton

No matter how dire a situation may be, I can always find the humor in it somewhere. If I was ever in a horror movie I would be the goofy one who doesn't seem to know quite what's going on but survives to the end with witty one-liners. ~ A.J. Rose

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest. ~ Rowan Atkinson

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired. ~ Mae West

She let out a strangled laugh. "Yeah, that's how it works. I just woke up one morning and was like, 'gee, I want to screw Kyler.' Seriously, you have no clue. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

You're one of those people who fall off a tree and never quite reach the ground. ~ Carlos Ruiz Zafon

He needs to be talked to."
"This is funny, but I know how to talk, too."
Brian swore under his breath. "He prefers singing."
"Excuse me?"
"I said,he prefers singing."
"Oh." Keeley tucked her tongue in her cheek. "Any particular tune? Wait, let me guess. Finnegan's Wake?" Brian's steely-eyed stare had her laughing until she had to lean weakly against the gelding.The horse responded by twisting his head and trying to sniff her pockets for apples.
"It's a quick tune," Brian said coolly, "and he likes hearing his name."
"I know the chorus." Gamely Keeley struggled to swallow another giggle. "But I'm not sure I know all the words.There are several verses as I recall."
"Do the best you can," he muttered and strode off.His lips twitched as he heard her launch into the song about the Dubliner who had a tippling way.
When he reached Betty's box, he shook his head. "I should've known. If there's not a Grant one place, there's a Grant in another until you're tripping over them."
Travis gave Betty a last pat on the shoulder. "Is that Keeley I hear singing?"
"She's being sarcastic, but as long as the job's done. She's dug in her heels about grooming Finnegan."
"She comes by it naturally.The hard head as well as the skill."
"Never had so many owners breathing down my neck.We don't need them, do we, darling?" Brian laid his hands on Beetty's cheek, and she shook her head, then nibbled his hair.
"Damn horse has a crush on ~ Nora Roberts

Are you in a suit?' I managed at last, my voice choking up. 'You didn't have to dress up for me.'
'Quiet, Sage,' he said. 'I'll make the hilarious one-liners during this daring rescue. ~ Richelle Mead

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time. ~ Frederic Raphael

It would be nice to report she lived happily ever after till the end of her days. But such cheap, cop-out one-liners belong to other uncomplicated fairy tales. ~ Jennifer Silverwood

Our story begins eight years ago when Ms.
Jacobs was living in London with Mr. McAllister.
However, she had to leave the country urgently
due to a family emergency."
"Considering the 'he-was-dead' defence, I'm
sure this will be hugely entertaining." Lily didn't
see it but she heard the scoffing behind Nate's attorney's
tone, that would be attorney number two
or Sarcastic Attorney. Her startled eyes moved to
the man who, she noted distractedly, was staring
at her with extreme distaste.
"Well, I'm not sure one would describe losing
both of one's parents in a plane crash as 'entertaining',"
Alistair noted blandly. ~ Kristen Ashley

PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference. ~ Ambrose Bierce

He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one. ~ John Wilmot

I can't just say the words, do a lot of one-liners. I love each person I play; I have to be that person. I have to do him true. ~ Richard Pryor

I think you often say more by saying less. And interestingly enough, I mean, Jesus really set the standard. I mean, he could say more with fewer words than anybody. Most of the parables were less than 250 words. And, boy, did he have some one-liners just packed with truth. ~ Mark Batterson

What one should add here is that self-consciousness is itself unconscious: we are not aware of the point of our self-consciousness. If ever there was a critic of the fetishizing effect of fascinating and dazzling "leitmotifs", it is Adorno: in his devastating analysis of Wagner, he tries to demonstrate how Wagnerian leitmotifs serve as fetishized elements of easy recognition and thus constitute a kind of inner-structural commodification of his music. It is then a supreme irony that traces of this same fetishizing procedure can be found in Adorno's own writings. Many of his provocative one-liners do effectively capture a profound insight or at least touch on a crucial point (for example: "Nothing is more true in pscyhoanalysis than its exaggeration"); however, more often than his partisans are ready to admit, Adorno gets caught up in his own game, infatuated with his own ability to produce dazzlingly "effective" paradoxical aphorisms at the expense of theoretical substance (recall the famous line from Dialectic of Englightment on how Hollywood's ideological maniuplation of social reality realized Kant's idea of the transcendental constitution of reality). In such cases where the dazzling "effect" of the unexpected short-circuit (here between Hollywood cinema and Kantian ontology) effectively overshadows the theoretical line of argumentation, the brilliant paradox works precisely in the same manner as the Wagnerian leitmotif: instead of serving as a nodal point in the complex n ~ Slavoj Zizek

But it may be that I betrayed myself. Since Dorcastle, my ability to supress my emotions has diminished. I know feelings are showing, not in ways which commons might see, but clearly enough for Mages to spot. My elders could well have decided that I am ruined, that my contact with you has corrupted me beyond correction." ...
"What does it take to corrupt a Mage, anyway?"
"I told you. They thought that you had attempted to seduce me. Perhaps they thought that you had already succeeded despite my denials that such a thing had happened."
Once again Mari stared at him, her face darkening. "I was under the impression that your elders thought I would try that at some future point. What did you tell them to make them think that I had already put my moves on you? Or that I had already hooked you?"
"Hooked?" Alain asked.
"Ensnared." Mari got the word out between clenched teeth.
"I told them nothing. That is the illusion they wished to believe, not thinking there could be any other reason for a female Mechanic to seek my company." Alain paused in thought. "A young and attractive female Mechanic, that is."
"Oh right. The one with all those physical charms."
"Yes," Alain agreed.
She gasped a laugh. "I was being sarcastic again, Alain. I hope that isn't the only reason you've been attracted to me. Not the only reason anyway."
"You are very pleasant to look upon," Alain said, and Mari's face flushed again. Had he angered her? "But my eld ~ Jack Campbell

The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk". ~ Harry Browne

Cal was dressed in a Hex Hall uniform. The blazer was a little tight on his broad shoulders, more so when he shrugged. "It was mine.Mrs. Casnoff brought it with her. I don't really, uh, do costumes. Figured this was a good compromise."
I'd thought no one but Archer could make that uniform look good, but Cal proved me wrong. The bright blue was nice against his tan skin and golden hair, and he looked younger. There was a dimple in his cheek as he smiled at me-something I'd never noticed before. "You make a good Hecate," he said.
I would have snorted and made a sarcastic comment, but there was something in his eyes that made me just say, "Thanks. ~ Rachel Hawkins

Give the wilding an axe, why not?" He pointed out Mormont's weapon, a short-hafted battle-axe with gold scrollwork inlaid on the black steel blade. "He'll give it back, I vow. Buried in the Old Bear's skull, like as not. why not give him all our axes, and our swords as well? I mislike the way the clank and rattle as we ride. We'd travel faster without them, straight to hell's door. Does it rain in hell, I wonder? Perhaps Craster would like a nice hat instead."
Jon smiled. "He wants an axe. And wine as well."
"See, the Old Bear's clever. If we get the wildling well and truly drunk, perhaps he'll only cut off an ear when he tries to slay us with that axe. I have two ears but only one head. ~ George R R Martin

The world is so dreadfully managed, one hardly knows to whom to complain. ~ Ronald Firbank

I kicked a rib cage off my foot and swaggered around the tree as if I owned the place. "Hey there!"
Startled, Nidhogg stopped in mid-mutter. He stared at me, his huge yellow eyes blinking in confusion. Then, nostrils flaring dangerously, he let out a bellow that doubled as an impressive display of razor-sharp fangs.
My heart faltered, but I swallowed my fear and pressed on.
"Is that supposed to intimidate me?" I made a big show of rolling my eyes. "I've heard louder roars from Thor's butt."
Nidhogg flinched as if I'd whacked him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. "That wasn't very nice." He sounded so hurt I almost felt sorry for him.
Instead, I snorted with derision. "Buddy, I insult everyone." I waved my daggers. "See these? They're sharp, but not as sharp as my tongue." Or your fangs, I added to myself as the dragon loomed in closer to inspect my blades.
"Wow. Those are pointy." Nidhogg looked genuinely impressed. "Are your insults really sharper than that?"
"Mister, that question is so dumb it makes me think your brain is like Odin's left eye socket - completely empty."
Nidhogg winced. "Wow. That really, really hurt. But you're right, of course." He tapped a daggerlike claw against his skull. "My brain is empty. Of insults, anyway."
That was my opening. I sheathed my daggers and cocked my head to one side as if considering something. "You know, I have some powerful one-liners that never fail to infuriate. I'd be willing to ~ Rick Riordan

Children are not cruel. Children are mirrors. They want to be "grownup," so they act how grown-ups act when we think they're not looking. They do not act how we tell them to act at school assemblies. They act how we really act. They believe what we believe. They say what we say. And we have taught them that gay people are not okay. That overweight people are not okay. That Muslim people are not okay. That they are not equal. That they are to be feared. And people hurt the things they fear. We know that. What they are doing in the schools, what we are doing in the media
it's all the same. The only difference is that children bully in the hallways and the cafeterias while we bully from behind pulpits and legislative benches and sitcom one-liners. ~ Glennon Doyle Melton

I must say, you aren't being very mature or very consistent!"
His dark brows snapped together as their truce began to disintegrate. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Elizabeth bridled, looking at him like the haughty, disdainful young aristocrat she was born to be. "It means," she informed him, making a monumental effort to speak clearly and coolly, "that you have no right to act as if I did something evil, when in truth you yourself regarded it as nothing but a-a meaningless dalliance. You said as much, so there's no point in denying it!"
He finished loading the gun before he spoke. In contrast to his grim expression, his voice was perfectly bland. "My memory apparently isn't as good as yours. To whom did I say that?"
"My brother, for one," she said, impatient with his pretense.
"Ah, yes, the honorable Robert," he replied, putting sarcastic emphasis on the word "honorable." He turned to the target and fired, but the shot was wide of the mark.
"You didn't even hit the right tree," Elizabeth said in surprise. "I thought you said you were going to clean the guns," she added when he began methodically sliding them into leather cases, his expression preoccupied.
He looked up at her, but she had the feeling he'd almost forgotten she was there. "I've decided to do it tomorrow instead." Ian went into the house, automatically putting the guns back on the mantel; then he wandered over to the table, frowning thoughtfully as he reached for the ~ Judith McNaught

If you're playing things sincere in a really absurd, heightened situation, you'll achieve comedy as opposed to just saying funny lines and one-liners and stuff. ~ Jeff Baena

A nasty letter or a sarcastic one can make you righteously angry, but what can you do about a polite letter of rejection? Nothing, really, except cry. ~ E.L. Konigsburg

So you don't trust me: the guy who taught you everything you know. I'm guessing if you have her" - he jerked his thumb at Rae - "that's no accident. Luke's buddies sent her to trap you, and she thought she was doing the right thing, because, duh, she's already proven she's kinda gullible that way."

"Hey!" Rae said.

"You are. Own it. Fix it. Now, you guys have her, which means you escaped whoever sent her after you. You didn't escape without a fight, given that bruise I see rising on Daniel's jaw and the scrapes on Derek's knuckles. But you escaped, and you came back here, and you captured me. Who taught you all that?"

"Daniel and I had already started learning," Maya said, "during those weeks you were chasing us."

"Trial by fire," he said. "Followed by hardcore, hands-on tactical training. You got away scot-free from these guys because of my lessons. And yet now you don't trust I'm on your side?"

"Nope," Derek said.

"Sorry," Daniel said.

Maya crossed her arms and shook her head. I shrugged.

Moreno broke into a grin. "You guys do me proud. I'd give you all a hug, if that wasn't a little creepy. And if I was the hugging sort. But if you survive the rest of this, I'll take you all out for beer and ice cream."

"You don't need to be sarcastic," Rae muttered.

"Oh, but I'm not, and they know it. This is exactly what I trained them for. Trust no one except one another. Exclud ~ Kelley Armstrong

Watch it, buster. There's only room for one sarcastic malcontent in this relationship. ~ Christine Warren

As millions use social media as a primary source of information, the risk of falling victim to being misinformed is high. Readers who quickly scan newsfeeds tend to only read (and share information about) a headline: focusing on "the hook." Whether due to complacency or lack of time, few explore the content. This allows bogus media outlets to descend on the unsuspecting (and unprepared) seekers of instant information, creating false stories with dazzling one-liners, secure in the knowledge that there will be little effort to pursue confirmation or research an entire story. ~ Carlos Wallace

Perfume: any smell that is used to drown a worse one. ~ Elbert Hubbard

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before. ~ Kin Hubbard

Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer. ~ Rowan Atkinson