Insult Humor Quotes

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?
CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.
CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets. ~ William Shakespeare

DESDEMONA: I hope my noble lord esteems me honest.
OTHELLO: Oh, ay, as summer flies are in the shambles,
That quicken even with blowing. O thou weed,
Who art so lovely fair and smell'st so sweet
That the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne'er been born!
DESDEMONA: Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?
OTHELLO: Was this fair paper, this most goodly book,
Made to write "whore" upon? ~ William Shakespeare

I always asked for forgiveness for my sins right away but I never accepted it until I felt right that I had suffered enough to pay for it. God revealed to me what I was doing how much unnecessary pain I was causing myself. He even showed me that what I was doing was an insult to Jesus that in essence I was saying Lord the sacrifice of Your life and blood was good but not good enough. I must add my work of feeling guilty before I can be forgiven. ~ Joyce Meyer

Today, men, I ask you your lives."
"I ask of you your lives and your courage. I ask of your faith, your honor
your strength, and your compassion. For today I lead you to die. I will not ask you to welcome this event. I will not insult you by calling it well, or just, or even glorious. But I will say this ...
... "Each moment you fight is a gift to those in this cavern. Each second we fight is a second longer that thousands of people can draw breath. Each stroke of the sword, each koloss felled, each breath earned is another victory! It is a person protected for a moment longer, a life extended, an enemy frusturated!"
There was a brief pause.
"In the end they shall kill us. But first they shall fear us! ~ Brandon Sanderson

Sometimes the peanut; sometimes the shell. ~ Anonymous

Hey, if you decided to tear up the town, you can always use the leftover bread from my breakfast in place of your cane. I'm pretty sure it's hard enough to bust heads. ~ Jennifer Rardin

Humor, humility, and, of course, honesty, all are qualities that work in public and cultural diplomacy. ~ Cynthia P. Schneider

The ego refuses to be distressed by the provocations of reality, to let itself be compelled to suffer. It insists that it cannot be affected by the traumas of the external world; it shows, in fact, that such traumas are no more than occasions for it to gain pleasure. ~ Sigmund Freud

(Frances has gotten out of bed again and come to her parents' room ... )
'How can the wind have a job?' asked Frances.
'Everybody has a job,' said Father.
'I have to go to my office every morning at nine o'clock. That is my job. You have to go to sleep so you can be wide awake for school tomorrow. That is your job.'
Frances said, 'I know, but ... '
Father said, 'I have not finished. If the wind does not blow the curtains, he will be out of a job. If I do not go to the office, I will be out of a job. And if you do not go to sleep now, do you know what will happen to you?'
'I will be out of a job?' said Frances.
'No,' said Father.
'I will get a spanking?' said Frances.
'Right!' said Father.
'Good night!' said Frances, and she went back to her room. ~ Russell Hoban

My Chocolate Mudslide is going down smooth when we hear the three bells. Bing. Bing. Bing. But instead of Dan Dan the Party Man, it's a woman's voice and she's breathing heavily. She sounds Filipina, if that's even a thing. "Bravo… Bravo… Bravo," she pants. "Main engine. Starboard side. Bravo… Bravo… Bravo." We hear the speaker shut off. People look around a little nervously. The dancer warming up on stage makes a beeline for backstage. Within seconds the three bells are back. Oh, thank God, it's our Greek captain. "Laydis and gentlemen, thissis your captain spicking. Pliss proceed to your muster stations." This is not what I wanted him to say. We get up and make our way painfully slowly through the completely full theater. Everyone is quiet. Which is the wooooooorst. It's scary when a group of people all know instinctively not to joke around. Another voice comes over the PA, repeating, "Please, remain calm. Please proceed to your muster stations." The German half of me is thinking, "Shove the old people out of the way. Shove the old and the infirm! If they are strong enough to resist you, they deserve to live." The Greek half of me wants to scream at our Greek captain. I do neither and proceed obediently. ~ Tina Fey

Humor's the hardest thing to translate. ~ Bharati Mukherjee

I see,' agreed Rule. 'You are going to be the Sacrifice.'

She looked up at him rather shyly. 'It c-can't signify to you, can it? Except that I know I'm not a Beauty, like L-Lizzie. But I have got the Nose, sir.'

Rule surveyed the Nose. 'Undoubtedly, you have the Nose,' he said.

Horatia seemed determined to make a clean breast of her blemishes. 'And p-perhaps you could become used to my eyebrows?'

The smile lurked at the back of Rule's eyes. 'I think, quite easily.'

She said sadly: 'They won't arch, you know. And I ought to't-tell you that we have quite given up hope of my g-growing any taller.'

'It would certainly be a pity if you did,' said his lordship.

'D-do you think so?' Horatia was surprised. 'It is a great trial to me, I can assure you.' She took a breath, and added, with difficulty: 'You m-may have n-noticed that I have a - a stammer.'

'Yes, I had noticed,' the Earl answered gently.

'If you f-feel you c-can't bear it, sir, I shall quite understand,' Horatia said in a small, anxious voice.

'I like it,'said the Earl. ~ Georgette Heyer

Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all things intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in all things emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended. ~ Criss Jami

...for a piece of famous fluffiness that doesn't just pretend about what real lives can be like, but moves on into one of the world's least convincing pretences about what people themselves are like, consider the teased and coiffed nylon monument that is 'Imagine': surely the My Little Pony of philosophical statements. John and Yoko all in white, John at the white piano, John drifting through the white rooms of a white mansion, and all the while the sweet drivel flowing. Imagine there's no heaven. Imagine there's no hell. Imagine all the people, living life in - hello? Excuse me? Take religion out of the picture, and everybody spontaneously starts living life in peace? I don't know about you, but in my experience peace is not the default state of human beings, any more than having an apartment the size of Joey and Chandler's is. Peace is not the state of being we return to, like water running downhill, whenever there's nothing external to perturb us. Peace between people is an achievement, a state of affairs we put together effortfully in the face of competing interests, and primate dominance dynamics, and our evolved tendency to cease our sympathies at the boundaries of our tribe. ~ Francis Spufford

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. ~ Orson Welles

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that. ~ Bill Maher

You're a very odd man," said Bert.
"I get that more often than you'd think," replied Charles. ~ James A. Owen

Humans should be permanently under development. ~ Graeme Simsion

It's my experience that you first feel the impulse to write in your chest. It's like falling in love, only more so. It feels like something criminal. It feels like unspeakably wild sex. So, think: When you feel the overpowering need to go out and find some unspeakably wild sex, do you rush to tell your mom about it? ~ Carolyn See

Don't you dare be reasonable in this, Don-Dueli. Not when I want to be mad at you for the insult you just dealt."Mara
"Well, far be it from me to deprive you of anything, love. If you want to beat me arse, I'll even get naked for it. . . ." He lifted his bare leg out from beneath the covers to wiggle his toes at her. "Oh , wait, I already am." Devyl ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face? ... Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good. ~ Justin Halpern

It's weird that apples bruise like humans. I'm glad they don't scream when you bite into them. ~ Phil Lester

The act of waitressing is a solace, it's got everything you could ask for - confusion, panic, humility, and food. ~ Eve Babitz

I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux Klan ~ Mary Daly

Chong said, 'Do yourself a favor, Morg. Next time you're staring at a girl's boobs, look up. You'll be shocked to learn it, but there's going to be a face up there. Nose, mouth, eyes. And behind the eyes is an actual person. ~ Jonathan Maberry

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff. ~ George Carlin

Latins for Republicans - it's like roaches for Raid. ~ John Leguizamo

Kim was more than a little inclined to snarl at him, but in the past few days she had learned that snarling at Mairelon did little good. He simply smiled and corrected her grammar. ~ Patricia C. Wrede

Humor is the only thing that allows you to survive every pressure and crisis. ~ Vinton Cerf

We're not here for a long time. We're here for a good time. ~ J.D. Chadwick

Evelyn: ...Don't take my negativity for lack of self-confidence. I'm just a realist.
Maddie: Realistically dumb. ~ Rachel Hera

Tayla cursed under her breath. "I was just explaining to Eidolon that Sin is a Smurfette."
Wraith swung his big body around to study Sin with blue eyes that were very different from Shade's, E's. and Lore's. Sin's, too. "Nah. Smurfette is way hotter."
"What the fuck is a Smurfette?" Eidolon was seriously getting annoyed now.
"There's this cartoon called The Smurfs," Tayla explained, slowly, as though Eidolon were the child here.
"They're these little blue people, and they're all male. But one day a female shows up. She shouldn't exist, but she does."
Eidolon considered that for a second. "How did she get there?"
"An evil wizard named Gargamel made her," Tayla said. "In a lab or something."
"So you're suggesting that an evil wizard made Sin?"
"Of course not, silly. I'm just saying she's a Smurfette. A lone female amongst males."
Eidolon frowned. "Did the Smurfette mate with the males?"
"Dude." Wraith grimaced. "It's a cartoon. ~ Larissa Ione

Orgasms are a myth. Like good credit scores. ~ Kelly Moran

Man, my girl is one tough chick when she wants to be. I wonder if it has something to do with those
big, comfy granny panties she's got on. ~ Simone Elkeles

Sopping, and with no sign of stopping, either- then a breather. Warm again, storm again- what is the norm, again? It's fine, it's not, it's suddenly hot: Boom, crash, lightning flash! ~ Old Farmer's Almanac

,I think the world is in trouble if we're the sane ones.'
,Doomed,'he agreed. ~ C.J. Daugherty

Pleas'd look forward, pleas'd to look behind,And count each birthday with a grateful mind. ~ Alexander Pope

I think sometimes people think cheerful is a synonym for dumb, so no one is ever cheerful. ~ Mindy Kaling

If you believe in journalism, you don't insult good journalists. ~ Sydney Schanberg

What's the matter, suddenly develop a fashion sense? ~ Devon Monk

I thought about telling him the truth: 'Oh, nothing. Just having my soul exorcised so I can roam around
purgatory, looking for the ghost of the dead cowboy who used to live in my bedroom. ~ Meg Cabot

If you hear a different drummer, don't march - dance! ~ Carolyn V. Hamilton

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke. ~ Gregory David Roberts

Rae burned me. She has matches or something. Look, look ... " Tori pulled down the collar of her T-shirt.
"Leave your cloths on, Tori," Simon said, raising his hands to his eyes. "Please. ~ Kelley Armstrong

I don't think arrested-adolescent humor will fade. Maybe the form will change, but I guarantee its replacement will still be based in immature behavior from mature figures. ~ Adam McKay

A politician is an arse upon
which everyone has sat except a man ~ E. E. Cummings