Older I Get Funny Quotes

The older I get the more I'm convinced that it's the purpose of politicians and journalists to say the world is very simple, whereas it's the purpose of historians to say, 'No! It's very complicated.'
The job of the historian is to help give people a sense of existence in time, without which we are really not fully human. ~ David Cannadine

September 11 definitely opened our eyes, but when I was 19 or whatever on the last record, we just didn't care about anything. We were too young to care about anything. And then as you get older, you don't really have any excuse to be stupid anymore, to be in the dark. That just kind of opened everyone's eyes (which I probably wish it did to more people) that there's obviously something wrong, to try and figure out what it is and what's going on in the world. ~ Deryck Whibley

What I've found - and the older I get, the more I understand this and stand behind it - is, my whole life has been an exploration of telling the truth. It's scary to be truthful, and it's scary to reveal yourself, and I'm very attracted to doing things that scare me. ~ Jane Wiedlin

I consider myself more of a loner now and I think when you get older, especially in this game, and just talking with other players who have come and gone, I see what they were saying when I was a young guy in the locker room. ~ Brett Favre

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.' ~ Mike Birbiglia

I do have an office where about 70 percent of my writing gets done, but sometimes it does get a bit stir-crazy to be cooped up in there, so I'll grab my laptop and write somewhere else: another room in the house, out on the patio, or even Heaven-forbid, a trip to Starbucks. But I also write on the road. ~ James Rollins

I don't pretend to be happy all the time. I think to be human is to be happy and unhappy by turns. But I have a great capacity to enjoy myself, and it seems to grow as I get older. ~ Diana Quick

I would always choose the script. You get more creative control that way. But, when you're in a situation like this, where everyone is really funny and you really want to do it, that's the chance of a lifetime, so you want to do it. But, a script has longer legs than a performance and, in the end, is more satisfying. It's harder, but it's more satisfying. ~ Justin Theroux

You know that book 'Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking', by Susan Cain? That's like my manifesto. The older I get, the more I think I could be a hermit. ~ Jessica Raine

I reckon responsible behavior is something to get when you grow older. Like varicose veins. ~ Terry Pratchett

You get a promotion?"
"I got a polite, but firm suggestion to be a team player. [ ... ]"
"You got off easy. One of my commanding officers once threw a paperweight at me."
"We're a bit more subtle. ~ Nelson DeMille

I love a smart, well-written show, and '30 Rock,' well, you can't get any better than that. Tina Fey poos funny. There's nothing that she does that isn't funny. That show is an example of how brilliant she is. It's so smart. They've done some brilliant commentary about the 'Housewives' with 'Queen of Jordan,' their show-within-the-show. ~ Andy Cohen

I was motivated to join in large part because my family needed the money. I would like to say how patriotic we were, but really what motivated me was the excitement my mother would get in receiving a check for my older brother. ~ Charles Rangel

I love fortune readings! because when I get in troubles, if the reading says that I am in a lucky day, I can think my troubles are just some kind of mistakes, and if the reading says that I am in the unlucky day, I can think that my troubles are just because of my bad luck. Either ways, I can know the reason of my troubles. ~ Hiroko Sakai

I was told this comment was only a "joke." Hell to the no. I don't care how chummy we are, you don't get to be racist in the name of comedy. There's nothing funny about reducing me to the damaging stereotypes that have stuck around for centuries. ~ Phoebe Robinson

I find the older I get, the lower in weight I go. It's harder to recover. Living in New York City, working a job that is unpredictable and at times stressful, you're lifting way more than your max because you need to push some weight around. You put an extra plate on for the release, and then you're sore the next week. Its stress release. ~ Danny Pino

The big difference for me is that, as I get older, I find it's a lot easier to stay in shape than it is to get back in shape. ~ Derek Jeter

Jase turned his head to me, brows raised. "If I liked guys - you know, swung that way, I'd get naked after that."
I blinked. Um.
"And I'd put a ring on that," Cam added, moving to where Avery sat. ~ J. Lynn

Doug moved over to the table and sat next to Corey. "Are you all right?..
I think I know what's wrong with you."
Corey perked up. "What? What's wrong with me?"
Doug leaned in, grinning. "You're becoming human."
"Fuck off!"
Doug leaned back in his chair. "It was bound to happen eventually."
"I don't like it. I used to be bulletproof."
"Even superheroes get older. ~ Darien Cox

I think my songwriting has developed over the years. As I get older, I have become less afraid to share real experiences. ~ Rayvon Owen

Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings ... and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much." ~ Jim Gaffigan

In places where women have achieved gender equality, for instance, men tend to be happier than women. And in places where women are still not treated equally, women are often happier than men. Other studies have shown that, despite the popular belief that nobody wants to get older, most people actually get happier after a certain age. ~ Dan Buettner

One of the things I used to dream of is that if I could just be funny like Red Skelton, if I could be a comedian like Red Skelton - that's what I watched on TV - then maybe I would have friends. I just remember that if I told stories to my friends, they listened. And in my family, with nine people talking at the same time, it's really hard to get people to listen to you. We were all craving attention. ~ Sandra Cisneros

For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view. ~ Eugene Mirman

Boost Mobile RockCorps is providing the chance and motivation to get our youth interested in volunteering. I usually hear about older people volunteering, but this movement is something new that is encouraging the youth to become involved. It's really a chance for them to come together through caring more about their community, which is so important for these kids to learn early on. I think it's crucial to instill a sense of pride in the community and this is a great way for our youth to do that. ~ Fat Joe

As I get older, my body isn't bulletproof, and it's starting to break down. And I'm still young, so it's something that I have to maintain, something that I have to work extra, extra hard, just as hard as my golf game, I have to work on my body as well. ~ Jason Day

I might get some more animals or something, but I'm done with the kids. I got a boy, I got a girl, and I got an older boy. I'm straight. ~ Jada Pinkett Smith

The older I get, the more important my view of the family is. ~ Robert Fogel

Oh! Thanks for the public service announcement about what not to do in college, Mr. Eighteen-year-old-frat-boy-with-eleventy-billion-'serious'-girlfriends-under-his-belt!
Get in the fucking car. You're a mean drunk.
You haven't seen me mean, mama's boy!
I told you we're close!
Yeah, so are me and my asshole! Doesn't mean I'm going to call it twice a day!
You're a bitch!
Take. Me. Home.
I'd love to, if you'd get in the fucking car! ~ Jamie McGuire

I'm so proud of you, and so amused at your discomfort in being recognized for you dedication and skill."
"Amused? Here's another funny for you. You're getting a medal, too."
He dropped her hand. "What? I'm a civilian, as you continually remind me."
"The Civilian Medal of Merit, and they don't given them out like candy, pal, especially to shady characters."
"I don't think it's appropriate."
She loved it, just loved when he turned all dignified.
"Oh, it is, and how I get to be amused. You're the one who started sticking his nose in, then his whole body. Now you're going to have to stand up there on Wednesday afternoon - fourteen hundred, so put that in your book - and take what you get. And I'm pretty damn proud of you, too, so suck it up. ~ J.D. Robb

I did turn down 'The Virgin Suicides.' I talked to the producers about it, and I just honestly told them that I didn't get it. Is it supposed to be funny, is it a thriller, what is it? ~ Terry Zwigoff

I've always assumed that my parents and my in-laws would live with me when I get older and have children. I just assume it will happen and that it's the right way to do things. It's a deeply Indian custom - that you kind of inherit your parents and your spouse's parents and you take care of them eventually. ~ Mindy Kaling

"Jesus. They said you were funny, but I didn't believe them."

Funny Gaby. I smiled and held back the sigh creeping around in my chest. How many times had I friend-zoned myself by joking around? A dozen? It wasn't even that I tried to be funny; I just grew up around smart-asses. You either learned to adapt or you died. Well you wouldn't really die, but you'd get verbally eaten alive by the folks that were supposed to love you; apparently they just loved making fun of you an equal amount. ~ Mariana Zapata

We found Trent and pulled him off the leggy girl. "Trent, it's time to get home before your parents realize we snuck out." I said.
"What?" he asked confusedly.
"Plus the bouncer found out we were sixteen and he does not look happy." Logan added.
The girl froze, "You're sixteen? What the hell. You little perv, you're going to pay for this."
Trent sputtered, "What? No."
Logan looked at her all doe eyed innocence and said "Sorry Ma'am, we have to get home now because it's past our curfew."
Trent stood open mouthed in shock but his eyes were shooting murderous rays.
So many death glares, so little time. ~ Amanda Kelly

What I like about gyrotonics is you feel like you really elongated yourself for the day ... As we all get older, everything changes and moves, and there's natural ways to exercise. I think it's important, and I think it's something that can help keep things in place. ~ Naomi Campbell

To me, Kane's always been a good guy, a good teammate. I think now he's got a girlfriend. You can tell, he's 24, turning 25, he's not 18 or 19 anymore. It's kind of fun seeing him and Toews get a little bit older, have girlfriends. They're starting to stay in on a Friday night, watch a movie instead. ~ Duncan Keith

As you get older, you start to really ask questions like, 'Is this the road I should be walking down?,' because every decision seems more final, as you get older. ~ Olivia Wilde