Misattributed Bill Cosby Quotes

I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time. ~ Herbert Bayard Swope

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing. ~ Bill Cosby

I can't negate the theory that the Huxtables on 'The Cosby Show' may have helped pave the way for the Obama family. People enjoyed watching that black family. ~ Bill Cosby

I am not going to give in to people who try to exploit me because of my celebrity status. ~ Bill Cosby

I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson. ~ Drew Carey

At the end of Season 1 of 'Cheers', it was the lowest rated show in all of network television ... So we turn to 'Bill Cosby'; when he came to Thursday night, he just exploded. And once the audience was there, we said, 'Hey, by the way, we also have this other great show. It's called 'Cheers'.' ~ Warren Littlefield

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger. ~ Bill Cosby

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick ... " And I said, "And tired." I don't remember anything after that. ~ Bill Cosby

I'm old, not dead. ~ Bill Cosby

The accusations against Bill Cosby are a classic case of he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said. ~ Unknown

Reunited with strawberry, raspberry and blueberry, I am berry, berry happy to be back working with JELL-O. ~ Bill Cosby

You can't make everyone happy no matter what. All I can do is live my life and try to be successful and please myself. I have my own morals I live by. Bill Cosby once said, 'I don't know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.' I agree with that. I live my life my way. I try to do the right thing, but I know there are going to be people who aren't happy with what I do or say no matter what, so I'm not going to worry about it. ~ B.J. Penn

When I look at 55 percent of our black men dropping out of school, how bad off are we going to be when we need some lawyers? ~ Bill Cosby

I wasn't always black ... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger. ~ Bill Cosby

I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. I'd listen to 'Bill Cosby Is A Very Funny Fellow ... Right!' and 'Wonderfulness,' which are two of his most famous albums. Then the next night, I'd flip them over, 'cause it was the old stackable turntable. ~ Stephen Colbert

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it. ~ Bill Cosby

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble. ~ Bill Cosby

Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific. ~ Bill Cosby

There are two sides to every story, and sometimes three, four, and five. ~ Bill Cosby

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. ~ Bill Cosby

I don't think you can bring the races together by joking about the differences between them. I'd rather talk about the similarities, about what's universal in their experiences. ~ Bill Cosby

Sometimes I buy my wife flowers. ~ Bill Cosby

Growing up, I loved Bill Cosby and Bob Newhart. They are a big reason I'm a storyteller because they are two of the best. ~ Henry Cho

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread. ~ Bill Cosby

It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I ... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar. ~ Bill Cosby

A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone. ~ Bill Cosby

My dad came over to the house ... went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of money, and began to pass it out to the children ... This was the same man who, when I was his child, I would ask him for 50 cents, this man would tell me his life's story. ~ Bill Cosby

Telemarketers tell me I sound like Bill Cosby. ~ Bill Cosby

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet. ~ Bill Cosby

I don't spend my hours worrying how to slip a social message into my act. ~ Bill Cosby

You can not make everybody happy.. ~ Bill Cosby

My wife and I have five children. And the reason why we have five children is because we do notwantsix. ~ Bill Cosby

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse." ~ Bill Cosby

The mother may be doing ninety percent of the disciplining, but the father still must have a full-time acceptance of all the children. He never must say, "Get these kids out of here; I'm trying to watch TV." If he ever does start saying this, he is liable to see one of his kids on the six o'clock news. ~ Bill Cosby

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children. ~ Bill Cosby

It was hard for me, being in school. And nobody was there to tell me how important it was. ~ Bill Cosby

Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes. ~ Bill Cosby

Don't let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart. ~ Bill Cosby

I feel that in-person contact with people is the most important thing in comedy. While I'm up on stage, I can actually put myself into the audience and adjust my pace and tuning to them. I can get into their heads through their ears and through their eyes. Only through this total communication can I really achieve what I'm trying to do. ~ Bill Cosby

You are more important to yourself than you think you are. ~ Bill Cosby

Nice father figure. Him and Bill Cosby. ~ Jim Butcher

People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on. ~ Bill Cosby

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook. ~ Bill Cosby

It's such an honor to receive the Mark Twain Prize. To get the same award that has been given to people like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey and Will Ferrell, it really makes me wonder ... why didn't I get this sooner? ~ Ellen DeGeneres

There are times my stories become - what I feel - not only accessible to hearing me on television, but they make wonderful reading. ~ Bill Cosby

I tell stories. Because I believe you can do things that joke tellers can't do, and that is, bring your audience along. ~ Bill Cosby

You can't compete with Walmart. But you can have smaller businesses that are successful. ~ Bill Cosby

If you know two languages, the level of your intelligence
is multiplied a hundredfold in other people's eyes. ~ Bill Cosby

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. ~ Demetri Martin