Jon Stewart Quotes

California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils. ~ Jon Stewart

The real challenge is when I'm at work, I'm at work. I'm locked in, I'm ready to go, I'm focused. When I'm at home, I'm locked in and I'm ready to go and I'm focused on home. We don't watch the show. We don't watch the news. We don't do any of that stuff. I sit down, I play Barbies. And sometimes the kids will come home and play with me. ~ Jon Stewart

The building housing America's military brass is a five-sided pentagon, but somehow, the people in it still manage to make it the squarest place on earth. The latest evidence? A current military document that lists homosexuality as a mental disorder in the same league as mental retardation - noting, of course, the one difference: retarded people can still get into heaven. ~ Jon Stewart

It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug. ~ Jon Stewart

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house. ~ Jon Stewart

At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news. ~ Jon Stewart

It's like hunting cows ~ Jon Stewart

Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding ... that's extraordinary. And that's why we have already won ... they can't ... it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down. ~ Jon Stewart

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success". ~ Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart hires people that he thinks are funny. That's it. That's the only requirement. ~ Olivia Munn

This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whopping $44.34. Wow, it seems shocking that a product of finite supply gets more expensive the more we use it. Now the terror alert means higher oil prices, which oddly enough means higher profits for oil companies giving them more money to give to politicians whose policies may favor the oil companies such as raising the terror alert level. As Simba once told us: "It's the circle of life." ~ Jon Stewart

President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth. ~ Jon Stewart

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president ... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' ~ Jon Stewart

I feel your scorn, and I accept it. ~ Jon Stewart

Race is there. You're tire of hearing about it? Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it. ~ Jon Stewart

What good are images if people understand them? ~ Jon Stewart

Maybe we should always show pictures. Bin Laden, pictures of our wounded service people, pictures of maimed innocent civilians. We can only make decisions about war if we see what war actually is - and not as a video game where bodies quickly disappear leaving behind a shiny gold coin. ~ Jon Stewart

Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from 'be afraid' to 'be very afraid,' raising the terrorist threat level to orange for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New Jersey ... Ridge's announcement comes amidst reports he will step down as head of homeland security after the election. Ridge himself has refused to comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a desire to spend more time at home, scaring his family. ~ Jon Stewart

I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he's just, he's talking about serious things, but in a funny way. Other comedians will talk about serious things in a serious way, and then you don't know what's going on. ~ Norm MacDonald

The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart. ~ Jon Stewart

You cannot judge a book by its contents. ~ Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. ~ Jon Stewart

Of course these minimum life requirements don't fully address what it means to be alive. For even beyond all the metabolic processes, there was also an intangible essence separating the living from the not. Call it a soul, or just a need we had. Every living thing possessed a certain energy or life-force that infused even the unicellular among us. ~ Jon Stewart

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not. ~ Jon Stewart

The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for government meddling. ~ Jon Stewart

Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash. ~ Jon Stewart

When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds. ~ Jon Stewart

This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite. ~ Jon Stewart

[Stump speeches] are to oratory what a stump is to a tree. ~ Jon Stewart

Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based. ~ Jon Stewart

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something. ~ Jon Stewart

In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way. ~ Jon Stewart

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection. ~ Jon Stewart

They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans. ~ Jon Stewart

You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want. ~ Jon Stewart

Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter. ~ Jon Stewart

Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die. ~ Jon Stewart

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now. ~ Jon Stewart

The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful. ~ Jon Stewart

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven? ~ Jon Stewart

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is. ~ Jon Stewart

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963. ~ Jon Stewart

You must now--before God, Jon Stewart, and whoever's sleeping next to you (even if these entities are one and the same)--make a solemn oath. ~ June Casagrande

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways? ~ Jon Stewart

It upset me that, five days after the hurricane hit down in New Orleans, the President's plan was for a day of prayer. I would have thought a truck of food. A day of prayer. Now, maybe I'm mistaken here and, again, I'm not a scientific expert, but isn't a hurricane officially an act of God? Isn't a day of prayer kind of redundant? Hasn't God already made up his mind on that sort of thing? So we do a day of prayer. The President has his stupid day of prayer. Three days later, Hurricane Rita hits. Somebody must have said something ... something like, is that all you got? ~ Jon Stewart

In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in. ~ Jon Stewart

I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance ~ Jon Stewart

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. ~ Jon Stewart

The Vietnam war was fought over portion size. ~ Jon Stewart

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings. ~ Jon Stewart

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime. ~ Jon Stewart

Are you worried that, when you go to hell, you'll only be taking the local and not be on the express? Why would you look for a loophole to deny coverage to children with preexisting conditions? ~ Jon Stewart

Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore. ~ Jon Stewart

I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would. ~ Jon Stewart

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with. ~ Jon Stewart

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that. ~ Jon Stewart

Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It's Romney's inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government's tax code largesse, that's a little offensive to people, especially considering Romney's view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don't know, food and medicine. ~ Jon Stewart

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature ... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves. ~ Jon Stewart

Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once. ~ Jon Stewart

It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public. ~ Jon Stewart

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. ~ Jon Stewart

People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints - that doesn't make us journalists. ~ Jon Stewart

They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas. ~ Jon Stewart

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews - an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs. ~ Jon Stewart

Bush proposed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Some saw the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others saw it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President ... Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding. ~ Jon Stewart

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a ... well, yes I am. ~ Jon Stewart

(Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first. ~ Jon Stewart

No one is better at not beating America than England. ~ Jon Stewart

Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due. ~ Jon Stewart

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. ~ Jon Stewart

I feel much more strongly about the abdication of responsibility by the media than by political advocates. They're representing a constituency. ~ Jon Stewart

The government that governs best, governs best! ~ Jon Stewart

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out.
I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq.
We've been following time as it goes forward.
What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11. ~ Jon Stewart

Washington is rigged for the big guys - and no person has more consistently called them out for it than Jon Stewart. Good luck, Jon! ~ Elizabeth Warren

Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed. ~ Jon Stewart

Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I'm fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string. ~ Jon Stewart

I love the 'Daily Show,' and I think Jon Stewart is hysterical. But literally, the answer to every single problem is, 'Congress should pass a new law.' It's this unbelievably optimistic view of, 'We can pass a law, and then everybody will get along.' ~ Marc Andreessen

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people. ~ Jon Stewart

Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool? ~ Jon Stewart

People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff. ~ Jon Stewart

You guys (Boko Haram) are trying so hard to convince everybody that you're such badasses. But all you've done with this kidnapping is highlight who the real badasses are, the kids you kidnapped. Compared to a teenager who knows that her desire for an education could get her dragged into a snake infested jungle to be sold as a bribe to some demented, stick-chewing cartoon villain but still gets up and goes to class everyday, fully aware of that danger - compared to their courage - I'd say Boko Haram is a bunch of little girls. But, you know what? You don't deserve that compliment. ~ Jon Stewart

In whose delusional mind is democracy made better by letting wealthier people control more of it? ~ Jon Stewart

It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry. ~ Jon Stewart

I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth. ~ Jon Stewart

1. Society needs laws. While anarchy can often turn a humdrum weekend into something unforgettable, eventually the mob must be kept from stealing the conch and killing Piggy. And while it would be nice if that "something" was simple human decency, anybody who has witnessed the "50% Off Wedding Dress Sale" at Filene's Basement knows we need a backup plan - preferably in writing. On the other hand, too many laws can result in outright tyranny, particularly if one of those laws is "Kneel before Zod." Somewhere between these two extremes lies the legislative sweet-spot that produces just the right amount of laws for a well-adjusted society - more than zero, less than fascism. ~ Jon Stewart

You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you? ~ Jon Stewart

I'm kind of relieved I don't have to say anything on TV about tragedies anymore. ~ JON STEWART ~ Chris Smith

Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.
[Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006] ~ Jon Stewart

You spent so much time being a hostess you forgot to be a woman. And now the time is right for making love, but your vagina is a mess. I've been there... and it's not a good thing. You have got to remember Party Rule #1: There is no party as important as the party you're about to throw in your vagina. "

-- Jon Stewart, "Martha Stewart's Vagina ~ Jon Stewart

Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop? ~ Jon Stewart

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around. ~ Jon Stewart

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone. ~ Jon Stewart

Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary. ~ Jon Stewart

Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq - meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn. ~ Jon Stewart

I wonder how Jon Stewart is doing right now. I just ... I hope he's happy. ~ Haley Webb

I love Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart because they're bringing irony back into American humor, which is a delicious treat. The entire Colbert persona of being extreme right-wing when he's not at all is highly amusing. He does it so well, but sometimes a little too well. My wife is convinced he's completely that way. ~ John Lydon

If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children. ~ Jon Stewart

It really does seem that the Democrat's problem isn't that they're calling for timetables - it's that they're calling them 'timetables'. You're up against Bush and the Republicans - you've got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables - call them 'Patriot Dates', 'Freedom Deadlines' ... 'Glory Goals'. ~ Jon Stewart

THE HUMAN CONDITION The Daily Show reported recently that scientists in Japan had invented a robot that is capable of recognizing its own reflection in a mirror. "When the robot learns to hate what it sees," said Jon Stewart, "it will have achieved full humanity. ~ Steven Pressfield

So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No. ~ Jon Stewart