Humor Monopoly Quotes

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. ~ Steven Wright

Now, my intention was to drink just enough to dull the senses, but intentions should never be mixed with alcohol. ~ Kirt J. Boyd

First Church of the Unleaded God & Ace High Refinery
WELCOME
KEEP OUT ~ Neal Barrett Jr.

Soap?"
"School of America in Paris" he explains. "SOAP".
Nice. My father sent me here to be cleansed. ~ Stephanie Perkins

Gideon threw a scone at him. ~ Cassandra Clare

Whole phases of comedy have become empty; the comic rejoinder has become every man's tool. ~ Constance Rourke

I would rather take a nap."
"How could you possibly want a nap?" Pandora demanded, incredulous. "We've done nothing but sit all day."
Cassandra was instantly defensive. "Doing nothing is exhausting. I need to rest in case we do nothing again later. ~ Lisa Kleypas

I take it your revolt is not engineered for the benefit of your fellow-nobles, or as an attempt to reestablish your mother's blood claim through the Calahanras family. Wherefore is it, then?"
I looked up in surprise. "There ought to be no mystery obscuring our reasons. Did you not trouble to read the letter we sent to Galdran Merindar before he sent Debegri against us? It was addressed to the entire Court, and our reasons were stated as plainly as we could write them--and all our names signed to it."
"Assume that the letter was somehow suppressed," he said dryly. "Can you summarize its message?"
"Easy," I said promptly. "We went to war on behalf of the Hill Folk, whose Covenant Galdran wants to break. But not just for them. We also want to better the lives of the people of Remalna: the ordinary folk who've been taxed into poverty, or driven from their farms, or sent into hastily constructed mines, all for Galdran's personal glory. And I guess for the rest of yours as well, for whose money are you spending on those fabulous Court clothes you never wear twice? Your father still holds the Renselaeus principality--or has he ceded it to Galdran at last? Isn't it, too, taxed and farmed to the bone so that you can outshine all the rest of those fools at Court?"
All the humor had gone out of his face, leaving it impossible to read. He said, "Since the kind of rumor about Court life that you seem to regard as truth also depicts us as inveterate liars, I will not wa ~ Sherwood Smith

Women do not lie about their age. In fact, no woman ever has, its just that memory is the first thing to go. ~ David C. Holley

Maryse sighed.Nothing conclusive.If only the dead could talk,eh,Lucian? ~ Cassandra Clare

David Levithan lives in the best of times and the worst of times, the age of wisdom and the age of foolishness, the epoch of belief and the epoch of incredulity, the season of Light, and the season of Darkness. He has endeavored in this Ghostly little book to raise the Ghost of an Idea which shall not put his readers out of humor with themselves, with each other, with the season, or with him. Whether he shall turn out to the be hero of his own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, time must show. ~ David Levithan

Want wisdom? Laugh at yourself. ~ Maggie Bishop

Men ought to find the difference between saltiness and bitterness. Certainly, he that hath a satirical vein, as he maketh others afraid of his wit, so he had need be afraid of others' memory. ~ Francis Bacon

I'll love you forever. And I have dipping sauce for you! I'll be your dipping sauce bitch! ~ Bryan Lee O'Malley

I should hex the IRS. ~ Laura Oliva

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. ~ Garrison Keillor

What does salmon have to do with the Warriors?" I asked.
Sydney shot me a wry look. "Psalms, not salon. And I don't know the connection. ~ Richelle Mead

Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake! ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

There is no rustic so rude but that, if he dreams or fancies anything, it must be the whisper of the Holy Ghost, and he himself a prophet. ~ Martin Luther

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on. ~ Bo Burnham

She hated using airplane toilets. She was always afraid the plane would choose the exact moment she was most defenseless to crash, and she'd spend her final seconds of life spiraling toward earth with her bottom bare to the world. ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. ~ Steven Wright

He's an even-tempered stallion. What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed, kind of like most of the men I've slept with. ~ Lila Shaw

Did you just spit on your hand before you patted down my hair?" he asked indignantly.
"Oh, I did no such thing. Now be still. Of all the rude, impertinent accusations to make! Bend down lower. I will have you know that members of the aristocracy do not have 'spit' as you crudely refer to it, young man. We do not acknowledge saliva in any form. Straighten your collar. There, you look nearly presentable." She grumbled in aggravation, "Do you even own a brush?" Grabbing his chin, she brusquely turned his face from side to side. "For heaven's sake, Richard, what did you use to shave - a shovel?"
"Leave now, Catherine, and I may spare your life." There was a moment of quiet from behind the door. "Go, woman! I intend to begin ravishing my wife shortly; however, I will not even consider it before I see that little dwarflike body of yours waddling down this corridor! Away with you! Shoo!"
"Oh, all right!" she finally capitulated. "By the way, mon chou, I should tell you that when you two finally get around to reconciling and retire upstairs, Amanda is occupying the large blue suite down the east corridor, not your usual bachelor room at the end of the west corridor." She reached up to kiss his offered cheek then turned on her heels to leave. "You have finally earned an upgrade in accommodations, Richard. Well done, you. ~ Karen V. Wasylowski

Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty. ~ Carl Hiaasen

The price of meat has just gone up and your old lady has just gone down. ~ Frank Zappa

Sounds like a jolly good adventure – rather frightening too, I must say. Fortunate that I was tootling past, say what? Come now, you must be in a bit of a fix. Why don't you hop aboard and I'll take you back to Lucille in a jiffy and we'll have a cuppa and a meeting of the old grey matter, what!"

Donald shuffled next to Ralph's side. Out of the corner of his mouth, he whispered: "What's he saying? ~ Ness Kingsley

I may be crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. I'm mad but not ill. ~ Gregory Hill

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce. ~ Mitch Hedberg

We got boobies!" the kid me said, gawking at my chest. "I'm really glad we got boobies. Finally. ~ P.C. Cast

There is a certain delightful sort of hope which the introvert can receive only by having company over...the hope that they will leave soon. ~ Criss Jami

Ultimate seriousness in not without a dose of humor. ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

The problem wasn't that Stephen was a fathead and Virginia was a gossip. It was that Stephen was a driven fathead with a large conservative following and Virginia talked to everyone. ~ Jennifer Crusie

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. ~ George Carlin

Nice guys finish last but that's what makes them good in bed. ~ Nicholas M. Bugden

If you have one friend in the end, it better be yourself. ~ Benjamin Aubrey Myers

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big ~ Noel Fielding

Here's to our enduring sisterhood. May it bind us together more tightly that the Lycra in my Spanx underpants. ~ Susan McBride

That's all you've got for me?" I drew a long breath and let it out slowly. "You know. I might be able to get more clues from Google. ~ Jayde Scott

I like the sound of that, crashing Monica's party," he glanced at Michael, then quickly away. "What about you? That break some kind of vampire rules or something?"
"Blow me Shane."
"Boys," Eve said primly. "Language. Minor at the table."
"Well," Shane said, "I wasn't actually planning to do it."
Claire rolled her eyes. "Not like it's the first time I've heard it. Or said it."
"You shouldnt say it," Michael said, all seriousness. "No, I mean it. Girls should say 'eat me' not 'blow me'. Wouldn't recommend 'bite me' though. Not around here. ~ Rachel Caine

The goodie drawer of all goodie drawers. This dildo not only throbs, vibrates, expands, and comes equipped with hands-free feature, it sings a choice of five popular tunes."
He crouched beside her. "You couldn't have tried it out that quickly."
"Pervert. I turned it on to see. He's got some illegals sprinkled through here, too. ~ J.D. Robb

I never understood, what a starving artist was until I became one. ~ Mary Sage Nguyen

Over time, I have realized that at 20, you can wear too much makeup and people assume you're a slut. Do it at 40 and they think you're a sea witch. ~ Melodie Ramone

Holy effing moly. ~ Ellen Hopkins

First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name
in that country. So, if you see a tree on a mountain, it will be better to say 'Look at the green on the high'; for that's how they talk
in that country. And whatever you do, you must find a false reason for doing it
in that country. If you rob a man, you must say it is to help and protect him: that's the ethics
of that country. And everything of value has no value at all
in that country. You must be perfectly commonplace if you want to be a genius
in that country. And everything you like you must pretend not to like; and anything that is there you must pretend is not there
in that country. And you must always say that you are sacrificing yourself in the cause of religion, and morality, and humanity, and liberty, and progress, when you want to cheat your neighbour
in that country."
Good heavens!" cried Iliel, 'are we going to England? ~ Aleister Crowley

The happiness, the thoughtfulness, the humor was part of her, but it was also deliberate, a conscious choice. ~ Kim Holden

If you'd just learn to do as I say from the beginning, I wouldn't have to follow up your errors with reproving smirks and repeated I-told-you-sos. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich