Naughty Humor Quotes

I really wish I could confirm to him
that you do in fact have a penis. A very
big and pretty penis," Blaire whispered.
I winced.
"Please, just call it big.
Don't call it pretty. That hurts its
feelings. ~ Abbi Glines

Chase punched a code into the keypad above the elevator call button, and the doors to the service elevator slid open. "The code is 6969."
"How will I ever remember that?" I teased. ~ Vi Keeland

He's an even-tempered stallion. What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed, kind of like most of the men I've slept with. ~ Lila Shaw

There were a great many other such tableaux. As Martial had predicted, bears featured prominently in most of them. A temple thief was made to reenact the role of the robber Laureolus, made famous by the ancient plays of Ennius and Naevius; he was nailed to a cross and then subjected to the attack of the bears. A freedman who had killed his former master was made to put on a Greek chlamys and go walking though a stage forest populated by cavorting satyrs and nymphs, like Orpheus lost in the woods; when one of the satyrs played a shrill tune on his pipes, the trees dispersed and the man was subject to an attack by bears. An arsonist was made to strap on wings in imitation of Daedalus, ascend a high platform, and then leap off; the wings actually carried him aloft for a short distance, a remarkable sight, until he plunged into an enclosure full of bears and was torn to pieces. ~ Steven Saylor

Julius Caesar burned down a library?" I asked. "Fucker. ~ Rose Christo

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately. ~ Mark Twain

I stepped forward. Call me old-fashioned, but I wanted to keep his focus on me and not Annabeth. I think it's polite for a guy to protect his girlfriend from instant incineration. ~ Rick Riordan

When old friends get together, everything else fades to insignificance.- War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death ~ Robert Asprin

Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun
But you have to know how. ~ Dr. Seuss

Please stop, I said politely - he was that big. One should always mind one's manners around big things. ~ Lish McBride

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive. ~ Eugene Mirman

Just think of the color and vivacity that love can bring back into your life. "You know, they say there are seventeen shades of love!"
"Seventeen shades?" Julia sobbed even louder. "What am I supposed to do with that? ~ Olga Toprover

Solomon counted out the coins very slowly and in silence, and then said, "Are you certain you weren't born Jewish?"
"No," said Dodger. "I've looked. I'm not, but thanks for the compliment. ~ Terry Pratchett

We watched some of the movie. It was shocking. Sex is apparently hard labor. Various persons supported crushing weights in agonizing positions for what seemed like endless blocks of time. Exhausted men grunted and toiled like movers trying to get a refrigerator into a fifth floor walk-up. ~ Russell Baker

Saturday was the fifth day of Flush's imprisonment. Almost exhausted, almost hopeless, he lay panting in his dark corner of the teeming floor. Doors slammed and banged. Rough voices cried. Women screamed. Parrots chattered as they had never chattered to widows in Maida Vale, but now evil old women merely cursed at them. Insects crawled in his fur, but he was too weak, too indifferent to shake his coat. All Flush's past life and its many scenes – Reading, the greenhouse, Miss Mitford, Mr Kenyon, the bookcases, the busts, the peasants on the blind – had faded like snowflakes dissolved in a cauldron. If he still held to hope, it was to something nameless and formless; the featureless face of someone he still called 'Miss Barrett'. She still existed; all the rest of the world was gone, but she still existed, though such gulfs lay between them that it was impossible, almost, that she should reach him still. Darkness began to fall again, such darkness as seemed almost able to crush out his last hope – Miss Barrett. ~ Virginia Woolf

Lots of little Bigwigs, Hazel! Think of that, and tremble! ~ Richard Adams

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. ~ Steven Wright

I was white. Chalk had more color than I did. And quite possibly more personality. ~ Darynda Jones

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him. ~ Henny Youngman

A teleporting cat! Is she yours?" Dr. Daniel McCleod. "Suki ~ Ellen Dawn Benefield

You can't keep bitch-slapping your creativity, or it'll run away and find a new pimp. ~ George Meyer

The room continued to spin though she was standing still, but her ears were hot. She felt like she'd just slammed three doubles of tequila and needed a fistfight chaser. ~ Michael R. Underwood

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself. ~ Robin Williams

I quote others only in order the better to express myself. ~ Michel De Montaigne

After being diagnose as bi-polar ... I feel that laughter is the best medicine for all. I find that I can't write humorously and be depressed at the same time. ~ Timothy Pina

You're of a mind with Mr. Staines.'
'Am I?'
'Yes,' Anna said. 'That is precisely the sort of thing that he would say.'
'Your Mr. Staines is quite the philosopher, Miss Wetherell.'
'Why, Reverend,' Anna said, smiling suddenly, 'I believe you've just paid yourself a compliment. ~ Eleanor Catton

I had arrived early for my own assassination. ~ Jennifer A. Nielson

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. ~ Steven Wright

Er, excuse me,' said the man as Nanny Ogg turned away, 'but what is that on your shoulders?'
'It's. . . a fur collar,' said Nanny.
'Excuse me, but I just saw it flick its tail.'
'Yes. I happen to believe in beauty without cruelty. ~ Terry Pratchett

Even as a kid I was never the generator of humor, but I always knew who was funny, who to hang out with. ~ Andrew Stanton

Sorry. Didn't mean to step on any dead toes. ~ J.L. McCoy

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard? ~ Jefferson Smith

I'm tired again, I've tried again, and now my heart is full.
And I just can't explain ... so I won't even try to. ~ Morrissey

You can tell far too much about a person by which monopoly piece they play as. ~ Harry Styles

If every one of you was to clean before his own front door, all would be clean of cow flops. ~ Winston Graham

It seems Washinoo didn't mind being kidnapped by lunatics. He remained with Yoshitsune until the very end. ~ Pamela S Turner

Poetry is not an art, it's a symptom. ~ Michele Brenton

Few Westerners understand the post-Soviet soul like Lawrence Sheets. Whether it is his hair-raising stories of the region's myriad armed conflicts or the black humor with which he captures the moral and physical impoverishment of a collapsing empire, Sheets brilliantly condenses twenty tumultuous years into an eminently readable tale. ~ Matthew Brzezinski

I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble. ~ Janet Evanovich

I was born. It was easy. My mother did all the hard work. ~ Katie MacAlister

When I retire I'm going to spend my evenings by the fireplace going through those boxes. There are things in there that ought to be burned. ~ Richard M. Nixon

But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster. ~ Shannon Hale

When Scythrop grew up, he was sent, as usual, to a public school, where a little learning was painfully beaten into him, and from thence to the university, where it was carefully taken out of him; and he was sent home like a well-threshed ear of corn, with nothing in his head. ~ Thomas Love Peacock

Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying Blood ... blood ... blood ... blood ... ~ Douglas Adams

Oh, precious losing streak,
you're too cute for your own good.
I try to laugh about it
but my face is made of wood. ~ Casey Renee Kiser

You aren't really old until nothing is fun enough to make you forget the weather. ~ Robert Quillen