Humor Mondays Quotes

This is proof that Monday wants me dead...Wednesday wouldn't do this to me. It's laid back. Friday actually likes me! But Monday is a bitter, backstabbing treacherous day." - Thradly the Goblin. ~ Arthur Daigle

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. ~ Steven Wright

Righteous people have no sense of humor. ~ Bertolt Brecht

Shit," he said as if she were being funny. "I'm not going near that door. Looks like the devil farted pure hell out there. ~ A.R. Wise

Live life to the fullest or foolest. ~ Mac Canoza

My name's Jean Tannen, and I'm the ambush. ~ Scott Lynch

I never get drunk. Never. Iss the beer's fault. I'm strong, but the beer must be sssssstrooooooong.-Niklass ~ Stacey Jay

Wylan drew himself up. "I may not have had your ... education, but I'm sure I know plenty of words that you don't."
"Also the proper way to fold a napkin and dance a minuet. Oh, and you can play the flute. Marketable skills, merchling. Marketable skills."
"No one dances the minuet any more," grumbled Wylan. ~ Leigh Bardugo

Part of being human is having a sense of humor. ~ Patrick Wolf

Really, Mom? Boob play isn't your thing? You didn't have an urge to motorboat them? I, for one, am shocked. ~ Laurel Ulen Curtis

How does knowing 'things could be worse' than what I already deem awful make me feel any better? You mean I could sink even lower? Oh joy! ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

I was just kidding, shuck-face," Minho said. "Let's all go over there. She could have an army of psycho girl ninjas hiding in that shack of hers."
"Psycho girl ninjas?" Newt repeated, his voice showing he was surprised, if not annoyed, by Minho's additude. ~ James Dashner

Talking about a problem sometimes makes it worse. ~ Dean Koontz

Francis Ford Coppola - A man climbs a mountain and they call him a hero. I climb mountains that aren't even there. ~ Madeline Moore

Mom has a massive sunflower for a soul so big there's hardly any room in her for organs. Jude and me have one soul between us that we have to share: a tree with its leaves on fire. And Dad has a plate of maggots for his. ~ Jandy Nelson

So amaze! Such name!
Sssssarah with five s's is
Still two syllablessssss ~ Rick Riordan

I am content in my later years. I have kept my good humor and take neither myself nor the next person seriously. ~ Albert Einstein

Gifford Dudley was unfairly handsome: impressively tall and well shaped around the neck and shoulders, with glossy chestnut hair tied into a short ponytail, and expressive brown eyes. And his nose. His nose. It was perfectly shaped: not too long or short, not too plump or skinny, and even the pores were discreet. There was no trace of the Dudley Nose Curse.
Praise all the gods and saints, Lord Gifford Dudley may have had an unfortunate name, but he did not have the nose. She wanted to sing. She wanted to spin around to where Edward was taking a seat in the front and tell him all about Gifford's perfect nose.
It was a miracle. A marvel. A wonder. A relief. After all, she would be expected to kiss this man by the end of the ceremony, and the last thing she needed was to lose an eye. ~ Cynthia Hand

The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people. ~ Karl Marx

The times I've tried not to be funny, it's never worked, and the times I'm trying not to be dark and just be funny, that never works, either. As varied as my subject matter is, I think the worldview is pretty consistent: seeing darkness and seeing humor. ~ Rebecca Makkai

Kleptomania is a medical condition beyond the afflicted's control. Picking pockets is a legitimate trade, thank you very much. I only pinch what I intend to take and nothing more. ~ Josin L. McQuein

Man, you look like you've never seen a gas station before! You zone out so much sometimes, it's like you're going to another world! ~ Aspen Kendrick

Words are the bones. Writing is the lungs. Reading is like breathing. ~ T.L. Crain

The best jokes in life, are the lies that have come out of your mouth ~ Cut Melinda

You'd put our parents at risk for some piece of tail?" Ghleanna demanded.
"She saved my life."
"You can fight your own battles!"
"Not when I'm knocked out on my ass!"
"You mean knocked out on your fat ass!"
"My ass, like the rest of me, is perfection! ~ G.A. Aiken

Despite the elder-hippie vibe, she was so attractive that I assumed we must be related. ~ Rick Riordan

Or have you simply been enjoying that North African river cruise?"
"You what?"
"In de-Nile? ~ J.L. Merrow

Who the fuck calls their priest when their son is having a crisis?"
"I do, now shut up!" Ma answered. ~ Katelin LaMontagne

Give a hippie too much money and anything can happen. ~ Neil Young

What then remains, but well our power to use,
And keep good-humor still whate'er we lose?
And trust me, dear, good-humor can prevail,
When airs, and flights, and screams, and scolding fail. ~ Alexander Pope

Are you trying to weasel out of showing us any of this stuff?' said Zacharias Smith.
'Here's an idea,' said Ron loudly, 'why don't you shut your mouth?'
'Well, we've all turned up to learn from him, and now he's telling us he can't really do any of it,' he said.
'That's not what he said,' said Fred Weasley.
'Would you like us to clean out your ears for you?' inquired George, pulling a long and lethal-looking metal instrument from inside one of the Zonko's bags.
'Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this,' said Fred. ~ J.K. Rowling

The look in his eyes turned a little wild. "That's the only reason I'm letting you go. If I had any choice
"
"You do," she said "Wed can all sit here and let him die. Or you can let Eve go on her wild-ass rescue mission and get herself killed. Or you can let sweet, calm, reasonable Claire go do some talking."
He shook his head. His long, elegant hands, which looked so at home wrapped around a guitar, closed into fists. "Guess that means there's no choice."
"Not really," Claire agreed. "I was kind of lying about that choice thing. ~ Rachel Caine

Every day is a gift. But some days are packaged better. ~ Sanhita Baruah

You lied to me," she said.

"I omitted information." He paused. "Which may be just as deplorable. ~ Hayden Wand

You haven't been fired," Mary said with a sigh. "You always jump to the worst possible conclusion. Why on earth would you be getting fired?"
Don't say the pens, don't say the pens, don't say the pens . . .
"I've nicked loads of pens."
"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. ~ Lindsey Kelk

Yes, she'd made a mistake ... but she wasn't going to be bullied. You couldn't let boys go around raining on your lava and ogling other people's watercolors. ~ Terry Pratchett

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope. ~ George Carlin

Nathan looked at both of us. "Wait a second, did I miss something?"
I could feel my cheeks turn pink. "Well ... "
"I guess you could say that I'm kind of falling for your sister," said Duncan with a sheepish grin. "I hope you're okay with it."
Nathan smiled. "I'm fine with it. Now I won't be the only guy who has to suffer her P.M.S. ~ Kristen Middleton