Humor Insight Quotes

Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own ~ William Shakespeare

We journalists love writing about eccentrics. We hate writing about impenetrable, boring people. It makes us look bad: the duller the interviewee, the duller the prose. If you want to get away with wielding true, malevolent power, be boring. ~ Jon Ronson

I can't decide if you're a fool, Vin thought toward it, or if you simply exist in a way that makes you incapable of considering some things. ~ Brandon Sanderson

What else is nature but God? ~ Seneca The Younger

A horse needs a tail more than one season. ~ Maya Angelou

Everyone is a fuckin' Napoleon. ~ Ani DiFranco

I mean that it's all right to go to bed with an asshole but don't ever have a baby with one. ~ David Gilmour

There was no mistaking her sincerity
it breathed in every tone of her voice. Both Marilla and Mrs. Lynde recognized its unmistakable ring. But the former understood in dismay that Anne was actually enjoying her valley of humiliation
was reveling in the thoroughness of her abasement. Where was the wholesome punishment upon which she, Marilla, had plumed herself? Anne had turned it into a species of positive pleasure. ~ L.M. Montgomery

You can't do that, it makes too much sense. ~ Daven Anderson

But I'd learned a long time ago that the worse things are, the more people lie about them. ~ Ripley Patton

Mystics love to make things as obscure as possible, I've learned, and never use a sentence when a paragraph of riddles will do. Priests, savants, politicians, and barristers are much the same.

The ambitious believe that if you want people to think you're smart, pose as pretentiously as possible and charge a premium for confusion and wasted time. ~ William Dietrich

Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own. ~ Noel Fielding

I don't have any special talents, just an ordinary desire to live like a human being. ~ Mikhail Bulgakov

He shook with rage. 'Look what you have done, you vandal. You have destroyed everything!'

'What did you expect me to do? Bend over and wait for the broom-handle? ~ Stephen Arnott

He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,' said the Runner. 'I am here in the execution of my dooty. ~ Georgette Heyer

Thanks for not talking with your fists," I said. I have a little sister, and I'm not sure I'd be as understanding with any of her boyfriends.
"I've seen you fight," he said, turning. "It would've been a terribly short conversation. ~ Lish McBride

A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Now see here, Guy," said the voice, "you're not dealing with any dumb two-bit trigger pumping morons with low hair-lines, little piggy eyes and no conversation, we're a couple of intelligent caring guys that you'd probably quite like if you met us socially! I don't go around gratuitously shooting people and then bragging about it afterward in seedy space-rangers bars, like some cops I could mention! I go around shooting people gratuitously and then I agonize about it afterward for hours to my girlfriend!"
"And I write novels!" chimed in the other cop. "Though I haven't had any of them published yet, so I better warn you, I'm in a meeeean mood! ~ Douglas Adams

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~ Flannery O'Connor

Why don't we do the whole friends with benefits thing?" he asks seriously.
"Because I don't think I'd enjoy having the benefits you give me removed" I answer back not missing a beat.
"Just friends it is then" he says not perturbed and starts eating his lunch. ~ R.S. Burnett

I want steak," he said, stopping to look at her. "And shrimp. And lobster. And pancakes. And a candy bar".
"I'm sorry, you'll have to settle for a couple of sandwiches".
Thomas sighed."Figures". ~ James Dashner

The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me. ~ Cassandra Clare

Standing on the front steps and trying to catch my breath, I want to claw my skin off. Despite all of the things that make me me - my personality, my heart, my sense of humor - I've been reduced to nothing more than a grainy filter and a pair of tits. To a mere sex object.
I wonder whether I'll ever stop feeling so dirty. ~ Laura Steven

Database Management System [Origin: Data + Latin basus "low, mean, vile, menial, degrading, ounterfeit."] A complex set of interrelational data structures allowing data to be lost in many convenient sequences while retaining a complete record of the logical relations between the missing items.
From The Devil's DP Dictionary ~ Stan Kelly-Bootle

The selfish and self-centered have a hard time being kind, even though you and I know that kindness is a source of relief to the soul. ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando

Love is nothing because those who do something for the love of it do it for nothing. ~ Mark Forsyth

Wining and dining instead of crying and wailing at a funeral in sympathy with the bereaved is a mockery of condolence. If the dead are capable of anything, they will zip up the mouth of everyone in attendance except those crying and condoling. ~ Vincent Okay Nwachukwu

I have a really dark, rich, thick sense of humor. ~ Inga Muscio

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals. ~ Agnes Repplier

You used nunchucks on a moose?"
Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. "I used all sorts of things on that bastard. ~ Richelle Mead

It would, of course, have to look like an accident. ~ Anne Taintor

Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent." Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. "You should have resisted. That's like blaming someone who was struck by lightning for getting in the way. ~ Richard Paul Evans

It was fantastic to dive from the side of the boat into the dark waters, for as you hit them they burst into a firework display of greeny-gold phosphorescence so that you felt as though you were diving into a fire. Swimming under water, people left trails of phosphorescence behind them like a million tiny stars and when finally Leonora, who was the last one to come aboard, hauled herself up, her whole body for a brief moment looked as though it was encased in gold.
"My God, she's lovely," said Larry admiringly, "but I'm sure she's a lesbian. She resists all my advances."
"She's certainly very lovely," said Sven, "so beautiful, in fact, that it almost makes me wish I weren't a homosexual. However, there are advantages to being homosexual."
"I think to be bisexual is best," said Larry, "then you've got the best of both worlds, as it were. ~ Gerald Durrell

I'll make Goyle do lines, it'll kill him, he hates writing," said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle's low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. "I ... must ... not ... look ... like ... a ... baboon's ... backside. ~ J.K. Rowling

I should get points for not saying every dumb thing that pops in my head. ~ Susan Bischoff

I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant." -Grandma Mazur ~ Janet Evanovich

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. ~ Red Skelton

Zen insight is not our awareness, but Being's awareness of itself in us. ~ Thomas Merton

The trouble with real life is that you don't know whether you're the hero or just some nice chap who gets bumped off in chapter five to show what a rotter the villain is without anyone minding too much. ~ Sarah Caudwell

I couldn't claim that I was smarter than sixty-five other guys
but the average of sixty-five other guys, certainly! ~ Richard Feynman

We, the comics that we like, we're all, like, post-humor. ~ Tim Heidecker

I cupped my hands over my ears. No, no, no. Get out. Get dead. ~ Devon Monk

it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong ~ Josh Stern

Be afraid of nothing but be aware of everything. ~ Rajan Shrestha

I'm sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to. ~ Brandon Sanderson

Today isn't the day when we start to use one another's bodies. Or tomorrow, or ever. We're not barbarians. ~ Tamsyn Muir

No cookie is a good cookie ~ Pete Abilla