Humor Insignia Quotes

Is that the only way?" Tom asked her. "Vik and I tried net-sending with a thought interface during Programming once, but I couldn't concentrate on just one thing at a time."

Vik nodded. "His programming questions were always like, 'Vik, how do steak boobs function? ~ S.J. Kincaid

I turned to my own bunk and examined it with a kind of appalled fascination. If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it. He had evidently included the pillow in his celebrations. ~ Bill Bryson

If people are constantly falling off a cliff, you could place ambulances under the cliff or build a fence on the top of the cliff. We are placing all too many ambulances under the cliff. ~ Denis Parsons Burkitt

Don't use your mommy ninja skills on me. ~ Ottilie Weber

There, I was just a secretary-shaped confederation of atoms, fighting the inevitability of mediocrity and decay. But here, in the Juliaverse ... energy was never lost, merely converted from one form to another. Here, I took butter and cream and meat and eggs and I made delicious sustenance. ~ Julie Powell

Forgive me, Your Grace. Are you suggesting a woman is some sort of ... piece of fruit to you? One squeeze, and you know if she's ripe? ~ Tessa Dare

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa. ~ Ricky Gervais

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" ~ Henny Youngman

There was Isola in a mad hat and a purple shawl pinned with a glittering brooch. She was smiling fixedly in the wrong direction and I loved her instantly. ~ Mary Ann Shaffer

Day by day nothing ever seems to change, but in the end everything is different. ~ Calvin & Hobbes

I can suck the chrome off a bumper and leave the car still standing. In other words, I am sexually gifted, a hero among gay men. ~ J.P. Barnaby

If your career doesn't work out, write a book about it. ~ Marcy Sheiner

This is so sweet I'm going to end up diabetic. ~ Kalayna Price

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH, TWICE? - T-SHIRT ~ Darynda Jones

Wait, wait," Gaius cut in, his grin mischievous. "Before we go any further. I must make introductions. Keita, this is Kachka Shestakova of the - "
"Do not," the She-dragon roared, startling the birds from the trees, and the men training nearby, "again bore me with those ridiculously long names! ~ G.A. Aiken

Comedians love it when people point and laugh at them; naturists don't, despite many of them being funnier. ~ Roy Station

And what if Aaron drank from the unwilling? If he killed men and women – what then?"
"I don't know that he did." Kalina turned to face him. They drove on. "It sounds like he stuck to Vampire Wine. Which is more than I can say for you."
"Listen," said Jaegar. "You eat your steak. I'll eat my humans. You don't need to get self-righteous with me. As far as I'm concerned – you're just food."
"I'm food that can talk. And in any case – you don't seem to make up your mind whether you want to sleep with me or have me for dinner."
"Both, really. ~ Kailin Gow

Now see here, Guy," said the voice, "you're not dealing with any dumb two-bit trigger pumping morons with low hair-lines, little piggy eyes and no conversation, we're a couple of intelligent caring guys that you'd probably quite like if you met us socially! I don't go around gratuitously shooting people and then bragging about it afterward in seedy space-rangers bars, like some cops I could mention! I go around shooting people gratuitously and then I agonize about it afterward for hours to my girlfriend!"
"And I write novels!" chimed in the other cop. "Though I haven't had any of them published yet, so I better warn you, I'm in a meeeean mood! ~ Douglas Adams

I'm terribly sorry, Fergal."
"What for? Marrying him? I should think you would be, Angel. ~ Trisha Ashley

On my way to the parking lot, in quick succession, I saw students wearing t-shirts which read, "Save the whales. Collect the whole set," "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now," and "Half the people you know are below average." Typical for the Eastern student body. ~ Neil S. Plakcy

It was as if a mad scientist had sold all of his important tools and chemicals at a yard sale, leaving a makeshift laboratory of scrap materials that the neighbors didn't want. ~ Mandy Ashcraft

Girls can do anything boys can do in high heels! ~ Brooke Sachau

She stared at the building covered in dead vines and wildly gyrating roses. Amara stifled a laugh as she watched them dance.
"Could you do me a favor?" Mollie pushed her sweaty bangs out of her eyes with a shaking hand.
"Hmm?"
"The roses have started doing the Macarena, and it´s freaking me the fuck out. Could you make them stop? ~ Dana Marie Bell

I feel like I might start crying and that I'm going to cry pee. ~ John Green

Well," he said after a moment almost long enough to be awkward. He picked up the slices of cucumber and put them on the bread himself, then pulled a plate from the cupboard. Walking back to the table, he said, "Now we can finally have this meal, hm?"

"This meal?" Ceony asked, glancing at his bland sandwich. He took a bite of it without even bothering with mayonnaise. "Any meal I put thought into is levels above a cucumber sandwich. I could have been a chef, if you recall."

"Is that so?" he asked, taking another bite.

Ceony began to cut two slices of bread for herself, but paused halfway through the first. "Would you humor me for a moment?"

"I believe I've been humoring you since you walked through my front door," he replied. ~ Charlie N. Holmberg

He knocks once against the side. I don't get it at first, and then I laugh.
Let's establish a code for when you want to go all creeper on me. One knock means you'd like to come in.
"Yes, Evan." I'm laughing so hard, it's starting to hurt. "You can come in. ~ Rick Yancey

Never thought I'd see the day when Death was denied. That leaves taxes as the only certainty. ~ Piers Anthony

I was an only child, eventually. ~ Steven Wright

Humor and Health,
The staples of wealth. ~ S Austin

Wow, you know a lot of swear words," Sam commented at one point. "And here I thought I had a dirty mouth."
"What can I say? Apparently candid porn starring my boyfriend brings out the best in me. ~ Gemma Halliday

If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it the light of the oncoming train. ~ Robert Lowell

It takes 3 girls to tow always; two to hold the rope, and the other one runs round and round, and giggles. ~ Jerome K. Jerome

I'm a bug on acting, which distinguishes Second City from a lot of other revues. It comes from the character, the behavior, and not from the jokes. I don't think jokes are funny. Humor comes out of character and out of situations the character is in. ~ Bernard Sahlins

That night, Brazilian TV audiences saw the director of the Center for Physical Research welcome the Visiting Professor from the United States, but little did they know that the subject of their conversation was finding a girl to spend the night with! ~ Richard Feynman

We didn't like each other when you were alive," I muttered to my father. "You think living in my head is going to change that? ~ Devon Monk

[Cat] found a complete set of the works of Edgar Allan Poe, with little tabs of paper sticking out. The were scrawled over with the witch's comments to herself, "Fun!" "Try this, but with exploding feathers!" and "Gotta love him
deeply sick. ~ Gregory Maguire