Humor Individuality Quotes

You can't shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he's done. ~ Captain Perverto

His thoughts inhabit a different plane from those of ordinary men; the simplest interpretation of that is to call him crazy. ~ Juliet Marillier

My kids are starting to notice I'm a little different from the other dads. "Why don't you have a straight job like everyone else?" they asked me the other day.
I told them this story:
In the forest, there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. Every day, the straight tree would say to the crooked tree, "Look at me ... I'm tall, and I'm straight, and I'm handsome. Look at you ... you're all crooked and bent over. No one wants to look at you." And they grew up in that forest together. And then one day the loggers came, and they saw the crooked tree and the straight tree, and they said, "Just cut the straight trees and leave the rest." So the loggers turned all the straight trees into lumber and toothpicks and paper. And the crooked tree is still there, growing stronger and stranger every day. ~ Tom Waits

In today's globalized world nothing is sure. Routines are falling; stereotypes are breaking. Life has never been as piquant as it is now. So go out of your way; leave your cocoon. Do that crazy thing and be happy you did it. ~ Ogwo David Emenike

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in. ~ Janeane Garofalo

Even if the shoe fits, that doesn't mean I'm going to wear it; I don't want to wear somebody else's smelly old shoe. I'd rather go barefoot. ~ Toni Sorenson

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. ~ George Carlin

Obama's got a great sense of humor, but mainly he has a great thinking presence, which is uncommon. It's hard to imagine being able to do, think over answers and deliver them on television. If I were president I would constantly be spluttering. ~ Roy Blount, Jr.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door. ~ Bill Bailey

Going mad is the beginning of a process. It is not supposed to be the end result. ~ Jeanette Winterson

Don't do it. Please. I know this book looks delicious with its light-weight pages sliced thin a prosciutto and swiss stacked in a way that would make Dagwood salivate. The scent of freshly baked words wafting up with every turn of the page. Mmmm page. But don't do it. Not yet. Don't eat this book. ~ Morgan Spurlock

For someone as amazing as you, attention is like food, and you're always hungry. ~ Seth McDonough

Let her go in with him."
( ... )
"Actually, I feel quite endangered by her presence. Dont you, Lila?"
"Absolutely," said Lila. "She terrifies me. Right Sean?"
"Shit." Sean wiped a hand over his face. ( ... ) Lila raised her eyebrows and the Viking groaned in defeat. "Never been so scared in my life. She's so small and ... wounded."
"Please, Finn," said Ali, her eyes full of warmth and good humor. "Save us. You're our last hope."
"F***ing ridiculous." Finn pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and shoved one into the lock. ~ Kylie Scott

Please don't hug me. Please don't hug me.
But she did. And now Bram had two sets of black eyes glaring at him.
Finally, he said out loud, "It's not me! I swear!" Rhiannon laughed and leaned back from Bram.
"So cute! Isn't he cute, Bercelak?"
"No."
"Bercelak's only teasing."
"No, I'm not. ~ G.A. Aiken

Dear Teddy, you are without a doubt the best boyfriend in the world. You're kind. You're generous. You threaten to maim people for me. -- Billy ~ Allan Heinberg

Upright, she's slapped with the aroma of musk and sweat. It's the good hunky, 'shirtless man building a dollhouse for his daughter' kind of perspiration, not the 'he just mowed the lawn' kind of stench. ~ Sandy Ward Bell

This 'web of discourses' as Robyn called it...is as much a biological product as any of the other constructions to be found in the animal world. (Clothes too, are part of the extended phenotype of Homo Sapiens almost every niche inhabited by that species.An illustrated encyclopedia of zoology should no more picture Homo Sapiens naked than it should picture Ursus arctus-the black bear- wearing a clown suit and riding a bicycle. ~ Daniel C. Dennett

Thank you. There were three of us kids, all right together. I'm the oldest, she was the knee-baby, and my brother Henry came last. Funny, I miss her all the time, but I miss her most when I'm reading Austen. We'd been fans since we were in the seventh and eighth grade, two Creole girls gigglin' about marriage proposals gone bad. Our daddy teased us about reading each other passages during a Fourth of July crawfish boil, so he named the biggest one Mr. Darcy and threw him in the pot." She looked up, a smile fighting the tears in her eyes. "We refused to eat him. ~ Mary Jane Hathaway

When, for instance, a highly esteemed professor in his seventies abandons his family and runs off with a young red-headed actress, we know that the gods have claimed another victim. ~ C. G. Jung

I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen! he squeaked and ran. ~ Jeaniene Frost

When you're watching something on TV that sucks, you change it. So when your life sucks you should be able to change it too.
-Butt-Head, of Beavis and Butt-Head; Chicken Soup for the Butt ~ Butt-Head

Men are pigs, darling. I really have every sympathy for women that they actually have to choose one of these arrogant, stupid morons to settle down with and marry. ~ Michael Winner

You must forgive me, for it is a woman's privilege to be curious. ~ Amy Le Feuvre

You are worth it! You may be a stubborn, chauvinistic, cold-hearted, ruthless, self-righteous son of a bachelor-"

"Don't flatter me too much, Miss Linton."

"-but you're a good man. Well, to me, anyway. Sometimes. Mostly."

"Are you quite sure that you are in love with me?"

"Yes!"

"Just checking. ~ Robert Thier

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! ~ Zach Galifianakis

He flashes a grin that is two parts death and one part humor. ~ Robin LaFevers

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow ... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it. ~ Jimmy Carr

Biological clock? I don't even own a watch. ~ Sarah Mlynowski

Even though I can't tell others whether they should chase their marathon dreams, I highly recommend they do something completely out of character, something they never in a million years thought they'd do, something they may fail miserably at. Because sometimes the places where you end up finding your true self are the places you never thought to look. That, and I don't want to be the only one who sucks at something. ~ Dawn Dais

Got it. You're fourteen. I'm proud you can count that high. It's a testament to the modern American education system. But I should probable point out that you're not the only one. I'm told you go to a school with a whole class of-get this-kids who are fourteen.- Ash ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I had always wondered why people wanted to be rich and famous. If you could be rich and anonymous, that would be fun. To be famous and not rich, the way we were, was the least fun. It takes time and effort to be famous, and if they offer you fame without the money, don't take it. It's a scam. ~ Alan Alda

And while Trish stared - stared, as it now seemed, into her own eyes - Guy held her hand and watched the crowd: how it bled colour from the enormous room and drew all energy towards itself, forming one triumphal being; how it trembled, then burst or came or died, releasing individuality; and how the champion was borne along on its subsidence, his back slapped, his hair tousled, mimed by female hands and laughing, like the god of mobs. ~ Martin Amis

Follow the sincerity of your heart, it will always lead you on the right path" Cinderella in Focus: Cindy's Secret ~ Hlbalcomb

It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads? ~ Jennifer Egan

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing. ~ Denis Leary

My dear
colleagues, as you know, the greatest misfortune for a man is a happy marriage; he hasn't the
slightest hope of a divorce. ~ Milan Kundera

Wait -- you kissed a girl you didn't like, tried to make me jealous, and almost got kicked out of school -- and you still didn't learn how to dance?' She looked at the ceiling. 'Why are boys so stupid? ~ Varian Johnson