Funny Smut Quotes

You know on TV when there's one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?
Well chirp fucking chirp ... this is one of those moments. ~ Emma Chase

I love fools' experiments. I am always making them. ~ Charles Darwin

I have found adventure in flying, in world travel, in business, and even close at hand ... Adventure is a state of mind - and spirit. ~ Jacqueline Cochran

She stared down into her coffee, as if she had more to say, but the words had fallen into the mug and were now too soggy to use. ~ Rachel Vincent

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? ~ Woody Allen

You know, Stephen says, in the movies no one ever goes to the bathroom. They shave, they brush their teeth. He goes right at this sort of funny taboo we have about the bathroom, and he turned it into this nightmare, you know, your worst fear of what's in there. ~ Lawrence Kasdan

I giggle when I put myself down. It's just funny to me. ~ Pauly Shore

It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet. ~ George W. Bush

Our parents would not be 'The best parents in the world' (to us) if they were not our parents. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like shut up, shut up, shut upblah blah blah blah blaaaaah. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

P - Jamie!" I called.
He waded back toward me. "I'm starting to think my name is Pajamie."
"Your name should be Pajerky. You said it wasn't deep."
"Pajerky?" He gave me a skeptical look. "That's Pathetic."
"We'll see how smug you are once I'm on dry land. ~ Diana Peterfreund

A funny little literary article in the hand is worth at least three Critiques of Pure Reason in the bush. ~ Aldous Huxley

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering. ~ Paul Reiser

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not "America Well At Least She Has A Great Personality". ~ Stephen Colbert

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue) ~ Groucho Marx

Brother Wolf gave Anna an amused look and then went back to being scary. ~ Patricia Briggs

I love you, Tess McGee. I don't do big funny or heartfelt speeches in front of people at birthday parties, but I'm excellent in private alcoves in beer gardens." He paused. "Okay, that sounded really bad, what I mean is ... "
I kissed him into silence. I pressed my forehead against his with a sigh. "I love you, too, Toby. In fact, that's what I was going to tell you before we walked into the beer garden. Right before the really bad singing started."
Toby chuckled. He let out a sigh of relief. "Ready to reminisce?"
I whispered my final word before he closed the distance.
"Always. ~ C.J. Duggan

I find it so funny that for the first time in history, people have access to this great equalizer in the Internet, which grants everyone the same knowledge base, and we use it to read album reviews and watch kitten videos ... not to put those two things in the same light! ~ Alan Palomo

Too often cartoonists just look at other cartoonists and, after a lot of inbreeding, everyone has the same funny look. The challenge of drawing is that there is no one right way to visually describe something. It's a good thing to confront your limitations and preconceptions every so often. ~ Bill Watterson

I try to become a singer. The guitar has always been abused with distortion units and funny sorts of effects, but when you don't do that and just let the genuine sound come through, there's a whole magic there. ~ Jeff Beck

I met a queen once," Dad muses. "She tried to put her hand down my trousers." Dad looks over at me and raises his eyebrows. "Surely this can't go any worse than that. ~ Rachel Hawkins

I am sorry," said the machine, slumping at the shoulders. "I will try to have the right answer, if you will come back later." I put my hand on the creature's shoulder. "It's all right; I don't know, either. But spiders are funny and determined things, and must be treated carefully." "Yes," she said. "It is the same with clocks". ~ Catherynne M Valente

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife. ~ F Scott Fitzgerald

I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row. ~ Steven Wright

I have also heard and read various accounts of why they [Sheldon Leonard and Carl Reiner] liked me. My favorites? I wasn't too good-looking, I walked a little funny, and I was basically kind of average and ordinary. I guess my lack of perfection turned out to be a winning hand. Let that be a lesson for future generations. ~ Dick Van Dyke

Okay, okay. So. First things first. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Second thing: I should probably say "thank you" for saving my life. Say it and then follow it up with something funny like ... okay. Spinach joke. Spinach joke. Shit. Um ... Oh, I know! What do anal sex and spinach have in common? If you're forced to have either as a child, you won't want it as an adult. Holy fucking Christ. What the fuck is wrong with me? There is no way I can make a spinach/molesting joke! I am a monster. Think of something else. Think of anything else! ~ T.J. Klune

Honey, were you trying to be a 1950s beatnik from Funny Face or something?" He guesses, correctly. "It is one thing to channel your inner Audrey Hepburn, but it is quite another to wear a mock turtleneck and capris to a Hollywood event. This is the big time, sweetheart; you best check your costume at the door. ~ Katie Delahanty

He tends to go for girls who are-Shelby, honey? Put your hands over your ears for just a sec." Back into the phone he said, "He likes the real slutty ones. Ow!" he yelled when he received a whop to the back of the head. ~ Robyn Carr

You can hardly tell where the computer models finish and the real dinosaurs begin ~ Laura Dern

The point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all-around obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful, and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be the best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend, and certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. John, I am a ridiculous man, redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But as I am apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion.

Actually, now I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss - so sorry again about that last one. So know this: Today, you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved. In short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that. Now, on to some funny stories about John... ~ Steven Moffat

I liked getting the best villain award. I thought that was funny. ~ Stephen Dorff

Are you, or is someone you know, a gadget freak? If so, you doubtless know that Wednesday was iPhone 5 day, the day Apple unveiled its latest way for people to avoid actually speaking to or even looking at whoever they're with. ~ Paul Krugman

How are you feeling Sweet Peach?" he enquires as he walks across to the chest of drawers, selects a pair of socks and pulls them on.
Sweet Peach? What the hell?
He's definitely gay ...
I shrug. "Er ... okay, I guess. I really don't remember much though. How did I get here ... and why am I wearing your t-shirt?" I ask hesitantly, afraid of the answer.
Hagen laughs nervously. "I brought you home when you couldn't tell me where you lived. And don't worry, you got changed all by yourself ... in the kitchen ... for like an hour. ~ Joanne McClean

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. ~ Fred Allen

See you in the funny papers, he said. Jaunty, he reminded himself; always jaunty. In my panache is their hope for salvation. ~ Michael Chabon

It's a funny thing about suspicions, Mr. Wright. All too often, they're just vain hopes in disguise. ~ Tessa Dare

It's a funny thing about life, I think we're born square and we die round ~ Daniel Gottlieb

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. ~ Robert Frost

There's nothing so improves the mood of the Party as the imminent execution of a senior colleague. ~ Alan Clark