Steven Moffat Quotes

What's the point of being a grown-up if you don't get to be immature?

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.
The Doctor: Believe me ... It was an accident.

There are two events in everybody's life that nobody remembers. Two moments experienced by every living thing. Yet no one remembers anything about them. Nobody remembers being born and nobody remembers dying. Is that why we always stare into the eye sockets of a skull? Because we're asking, "What was it like?" "Does it hurt?" "Are you still scared?".

Amy: "Can I come?"
Doctor: "Not safe in here, not yet. Five minutes. Give me five minutes and I'll be right back."
Amy: "People always say that."
Doctor: "Am I people? ... Do I even look like people? ... Trust me, I'm the Doctor.

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The way you get your script to the right people is that you put it in an envelope. It's easy. The difficult bit is writing something that is so good people will take a punt on a brand new writer.

The Doctor: Amy, what are you doing?
Amy: That gravestone, Rory's, there's room for one more name isn't there?
The Doctor: What are you talking about? Back away from the Angel. Come back to the TARDIS, we'll figure something out.
Amy: The Angel, would it send me back to the same time, to him?
The Doctor: I don't know. Nobody knows.
Amy: But it's my best shot, yeah?
The Doctor: No!
River: Doctor, shut up! Yes, yes, it is!
The Doctor: Amy -
Amy: Well then. I just have to blink, right?
The Doctor: No!
Amy: It'll be fine. I know it will. I'll be with him like I should be. Me and Rory together. {calling River over} Melody.
The Doctor: Stop it! Just, just, stop it!

Amy: You look after him. And you be a good girl and you look after him.
The Doctor: You are creating fixed time. I will never be able to see you again.
Amy: I'll be fine. I'll be with him.
The Doctor: Amy. Please. Just come back into the TARDIS, Come along, Pond. Please.
Amy: Raggedy Man, goodbye.

-Doctor Who

It's a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezes are cool.

There's this issue you're not allowed to discuss: that women are needy. Men can go for longer, more happily, without women. That's the truth. We don't, as little boys, play at being married - we try to avoid it for as long as possible. Meanwhile women are out there hunting for husbands.

When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it'll never end. But however hard you try you can't run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies and nobody knows it like the Doctor. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever for one moment, accepts it. Everybody knows that everybody dies. But not every day. Not today. Some days are special. Some days are so, so blessed. Some days, nobody dies at all. (In the library, the Doctor walks back to the TARDIS. He stops, looking at the doors. Then he raises his hand, and stands there poised like that for a long moment. Finally he snaps his fingers. The doors open. He smiles slowly and walks in, joining Donna. Then he snaps his fingers again, and the doors close. River's voice continues over this.) Now and then, every once in a very long while, every day in a million days, when the wind stands fair, and the Doctor comes to call ... everybody lives.

The difference between a beautifully made failure and a beautifully made hit is who you've got playing the leads.

This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger on the inside, but with nothing in it. You could drop a pebble in my brain and wait for an hour to hear it land. No actually, you couldn't - that would be aggressive and unhelpful, so keep your damn pebbles to yourself.

Don't be Lasagne - The Doctor

The day you lose someone isn't the worst -at least you've got something to do- it's all the days they stay dead.

Amy: So. Are you proposing to someone? The Doctor: Sorry? Amy: I found this in your pocket. The Doctor: No. No no. That's a memory. Friend of mine. Someone I lost. Would you ... mind. Amy: It's weird. I feel ... I dunno, something. The Doctor: People fall out of the world sometimes but they always leave traces. Little things we can't quite account for. Faces in photographs. Luggage. Half-eaten meals. Rings. Nothing is ever forgotten, not completely. And if something can be remembered it can come back.

River Song? Amy Pond? Hardly weak women. It's the exact opposite. You could accuse me of having a fetish for powerful, sexy women who like cheating people. That would be fair.

Let me tell you about scared. Your heart is beating so hard I can feel it through your hands. There's so much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain it's like rocket fuel. Right now you could run faster and you can fight harder. You can jump higher than ever in your life and you are so alert it's like you can slow down time.
What's wrong with scared? Scared is a superpower! Your superpower! There is danger in this room. And guess what? It's you. Do you feel it? Do you think he feels it? Do you think he's scared? Nah. Loser!

Angel Bob: Doctor? Excuse me, hello, Doctor? Angel Bob here, sir.
The Doctor: Ah, there you are, Angel Bob. How's life? Sorry, bad subject.
Angel Bob: The Angels are wondering what you hope to achieve.
The Doctor: Achieve? We're not achieving anything. We're just hanging, it's nice in here: consoles; comfy chairs; a forest ... how's things with you?
Angel Bob: The Angels are feasting, sir. Soon we will be able to absorb enough power to consume this vessel, this world, and all the stars and worlds beyond.
The Doctor: Yeah, but we've got comfy chairs. Did I mention?
Angel Bob: We have no need for comfy chairs.
The Doctor: [amused] I made him say 'comfy chairs'.

You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful - and then you actually talk with them, and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick. But then there's other people, and you meet them and you think: "Not bad, they're okay," and then you get to know them, and their face sort of becomes them, like their personality's written all over it; and they just - and they turn into something so beautiful. [Simultaneously, with Older Amy] Rory is the most beautiful man I've ever met.

Do what I do. Hold tight and pretend it's a plan!
- The Doctor, Season 7, Christmas Special

Stories are where memories go when they are forgotten.

The story of Sherlock Holmes, on the surface, is about detection, but in reality, it's about the best of two men who save each other - a lost, washed-up war hero and a man who could end up committing murders instead of solving them. They come together. They become this perfect unit. They become the best friendship ever, and they become heroes. That's what we fall in love with, not Sherlock on his own. No one can love that man on his own, but Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson - the best friends ever.

There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick.

The point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all-around obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful, and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be the best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend, and certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. John, I am a ridiculous man, redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But as I am apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion.

Actually, now I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss - so sorry again about that last one. So know this: Today, you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved. In short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that. Now, on to some funny stories about John...

Nothing can ever be a rule in drama, because then you're saying certain things won't ever happen, and that would be very boring.

Never knowingly be serious. Rule 27.

When man invented fire, he didn't say, "Hey, let's cook." He said, "Great, now we can see naked bottoms in the dark.

I don't want to think that the stories are finite; I want to feel that they can go on forever.

I was called a misogynist because I was reducing women to mothers. 'Reducing women to mothers' - now there is possibly the most anti-women statement I've heard.

Time travel is always more magical somehow when you go into the past. Traveling into the future is something you do, every day. You're just not going to get very far. So, I rather like the past travel.

The Doctor: Just had a fall. All the way down there, right to the library. Heck of a climb back up.
Amelia: You're soaking wet.
The Doctor: I was in the swimming pool.
Amelia: You said you were in the library.
The Doctor: So was the swimming pool.

The Doctor: I've seen bigger.
Clara: Really?
The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!

Come on, Rory! It isn't rocket science, it's just quantum physics!
-The Doctor (Matt Smith)

Mycroft Holmes: ... a necessary evil, not a dragon for you to slay.
Sherlock Holmes: A dragon slayer? Is that what you think of me?
Mycroft: No ... It's what you think of yourself.
Mrs. Holmes/Mum: Are you two smoking?
Mycroft: No-
Sherlock: It was Mycroft!
(They hide their lighted cigarettes behind their backs.) -Sherlock, "His Last Vow", season/series 3

Even the slash fiction, that's a great way to learn to work. No one really does three-act structure, but just trying to put words that make somebody else turned on, that's going to teach you more about writing than any writing college you can go to.

We have a plan to top it. And I do think our plan is devastating. We've practically reduced our cast to tears telling them the plan ... we're probably more excited that we've ever been about Sherlock.

Everything ends and it's always sad, but everything begins again, too. And that's always happy. Be happy. - Return of Doctor Mysterio

I can't see what's wrong about assuming intelligence in your audience and what's bad news about being rewarded for assuming that.

I like that Helen Mirren has been saying the next doctor should be a woman. I would like to go on record and say that the queen should be played by a man.

The Doctor: You betrayed me. You betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything I ever stood for. You let me down!
Clara: Then why are you helping me?
The Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

Every episode [in a TV series] is a challenge, and what's challenging in most episodes is the monster. You're always a heartbeat from the monster looking ridiculous. You really have to work so hard to make them not look like ridiculous when they turn up on the set.

I'll be a story in your head. That's okay. We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh? 'Cause it was, you know. It was the best. The daft old man who stole a magic box and ran away. Did I ever tell you that I stole it? Well I borrowed it. I was always going to take it back.

Amy: I never knew you drank wine.
Doctor: I'm 1103 I must have drunk it sometime in my life.
*takes sip and spits it out in disgust*

The Doctor: 'You know when grown-ups tell you everything's going to be fine, but you really think they're lying to make you feel better?'
Amelia: 'Yeah ... '
The Doctor: 'Everything's going to be fine.

Never run when you're scared. Rule 7.

I think of myself as a writer with a sense of humour rather than a comedy writer. Happy to tell a story with lots of jokes in it - I wouldn't know how to do jokes without the story.

I find it's bizarre that science fiction is the one branch of television to push the idea of strong female characters. And I only call it bizarre because strong women aren't fiction.

I'd forgotten not all victories are about saving the universe.

Always take a banana to a party.

The trouble with a series as it gets older is it can feel like a tradition, and tradition is the enemy of suspense, and it's the enemy of comedy. It's the enemy of everything, really. So you have to shake it up.

Between the marriages, I shagged my way round television studios like a mechanical digger.

Well, I'm permitted to say anything I like. I just don't.

Kathy Nightingale: What's good about sad?
Sally Sparrow: It's happy for deep people.

Never ignore a coincidence. Unless you're busy, in which case, always ignore a coincidence.

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high functioning sociopath.

Being the only writer on a successful show is very rewarding.

You take this cold, remarkable, difficult, dangerous, borderline psychopath man, and you wonder what might have happened to him had he not met his best friend, a friend that no one would have put him with – this solid, dependable, brave, big-hearted war hero. I think people fall in love, not with Sherlock Holmes or with Dr. Watson, but with their friendship. I think it is the most famous friendship in fiction, without a doubt.

The Doctor: It's my nose; it has special powers.
Nancy: Yeah? That why it's so ... ?
The Doctor: What?
Nancy: Nothing.
The Doctor: What?
Nancy: Nothing. Do your ears have special powers too?

There isn't anything that you will ever do in your life that won't one day be described as over. That cannot tarnish the joy of it. You cannot damage the memory of your greatest days with the regret that they're over. That's the wrong way to think.

I like naked women. I'm a bloke. I'm supposed to like them. We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one ... When man invented fire, he didn't say, "Hey, let's cook." He said, "Great, now we can see naked bottoms in the dark" ... The story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms.

The eyes are not the windows but the doors of the soul. Beware what may enter them.

Madness is just what a genius looks like to a tiny mind.

Keep this straight in your head: we are not fighting an alien invasion we're leading a revolution . And today the battle begins.

Rose: Look at you, beaming away like you're Father Christmas!
The Doctor: Who says I'm not, red-bicycle-when-you-were-twelve?
Rose: [shocked] What?
The Doctor: And everybody lives, Rose! Everybody lives! I need more days like this! Go on, ask me anything; I'm on fire!

Clara Oswald: This is just a dream, but very clever people can hear dreams. So please, just listen. I know you're afraid, but being afraid is all right, because didn't anybody ever tell you fear is a superpower? Fear can make you faster and cleverer and stronger.
And one day, you'll come back to this barn and on that day you're going to be very afraid indeed. But that's ok because if you're very wise and very strong, fear doesn't have to make you cruel or cowardly. Fear can make you kind.
It doesn't matter if there's nothing under the bed or in the dark, so long as you know it's ok to be afraid of it. You're always going to be afraid, even if you learn to hide it. Fear is like a companion, a constant companion, always there. But that's ok, because fear can bring us together.
Fear can bring you home.
I'm going to leave you with something just so you always remember: Fear makes companions of us all. -Listen, Doctor Who, episode 8.4

The Doctor: Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink.

I can say with pride verging on smugness that I've got two very successful shows that assume their audience is very smart.

Like most writers, I write about what has happened to me as that involves the minimum amount of research.

Madness is what genius looks like to a small mind

It's been a long time since Sherlock Holmes jumped off that roof - it's time to reveal the truth about what happened between him and the pavement.

The Doctor: This is bad, I don't like this. [kicks console and yells in pain] Never use force, you just embarrass yourself. Unless you're cross, in which case ... always use force!
Amy: Shall I run and get the manual?
The Doctor: I threw it in a supernova.
Amy: You threw the manual in a supernova? Why?
The Doctor: Because I disagreed with it! Now stop talking to me when I'm cross!

If you take most men aside when their wives are pregnant, most men are pretty frightened and worried and faintly disgusted by the whole experience.

Rory: Amy. I'm gonna need a little help here.
Amy: Just stop it!
Rory: Just think it through, this will work. This will kill the Angels.
Amy: it will kill you too.
Rory: Will it? River said that this place would be erased from time, never existed. If this place never existed what did I fall off?
Amy: You think you'll just come back to life.
Rory: When don't I?
Amy: Rory -
Rory: Anyway, what else is there? Dying of old age downstairs, never seeing you again? Amy, please. If you love me, then trust me and push.
Amy: I can't.
Rory: You have to!
Amy: Could you? Could you if it was me? Could you do it?
Rory: To save you, I could do anything.
Amy: Prove it.
Rory: But I can't take you too.
Amy: You said we'd come back to life. Money-where-your-mouth-is time.
Rory: Amy, but -
Amy: Shut. Up. Together. Or not at all

-Doctor Who

The Doctor ... is embarrassingly human for an alien.

The Doctor: Oh, now what's this, then? I love this. A big, flashy-lighty thing. That's what brought me here. Big, flashy-lighty things have got me written all over them. Not actually, but give me time ... and a crayon.

Fascinatingly confident, rude people are great.

Amy Pond: 'I thought ... well, I started to think you were just a madman with a box.'
The Doctor: 'Amy Pond, there's something you better understand about me, 'cause it's important and one day your life may depend on it. [He Smiles] I am definitely a madman with a box.

Bow ties are cool.

I absolutely love television, and I don't mean to be vulgar, but as I keep having to explain to people from the movie industry, I get more power and more money doing television, so why on earth would I do a film?

Amy: I had something I wanted to tell him. Stuff always gets in the way.
Canton: Stuff does that.

It's a TV show. Only the emotional damage is real.

The Doctor: [aiming gun at the ceiling] Didn't anyone ever tell you? There's one thing you never put in a trap if you're smart. If you value your continued existence, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there's one thing you never, ever put in a trap.
Angel Bob: And what would that be, sir?
The Doctor: Me. [fires]

The Doctor: Doctor Song, you've got that face on again.
River: What face?
The Doctor: The "He's hot when he's clever" face.
River: This is my normal face.
The Doctor: Yes it is.
River: Oh, shut up.
The Doctor: Not a chance.

I stole your childhood and now I've led you by the hand to your death. But the worst thing is, I knew. I knew this would happen. This is what always happens. Forget your faith in me. I took you with me because I was vain. Because I wanted to be adored. Look at you. Glorious Pond, the girl who waited for me. I'm not a hero. I really am just a mad man in a box. And it's time we saw each other as we really are. Amy Williams, it's time to stop waiting.

The Doctor: Amazing.
Nancy: What is?
The Doctor: 1941. Right now, not very far from here, the German war machine is rolling up the map of Europe. Country after country, falling like dominoes. Nothing can stop it, nothing. Until one tiny, damp little island says "No. No, not here." A mouse in front of a lion. You're amazing, the lot of you. I don't know what you do to Hitler, but you frighten the hell out of me.

People don't really have a relationship with great writing or great production or great art direction or great direction. They just sort of admire it.

Do you know how you make someone into a Dalek? Subtract Love, add Anger.

Young Reinette: Monsieur, be careful!
The Doctor: It's just a nightmare, Reinette, don't worry, everyone has nightmares. Even monsters under the bed have nightmares!
Young Reinette: What do monsters have nightmares about?
The Doctor: Me!

Writing for adults often means just increasing the swearing - but find an alternative to swearing and you've probably got a better line.

I write the kind of stuff I'd like to watch.

My priorities are where they should be, which is making really great, really exciting television.

So is this how it works Doctor? You never interfere with the affairs of other peoples or planets, unless there are children crying?

As you come into this world, something else is also born. You begin your life, and it begins a journey towards you. It moves slowly, but it never stops. Wherever you go, whatever path you take, it will follow - never faster, never slower, always coming. You will run; it will walk. You will rest; it will not. One day, you will linger in the same place too long; you will sit too still or sleep too deep. And when, too late, you rise to go, you will notice a second shadow next to yours. Your life will then be over.

War Doctor: Are you capable of speaking without flapping your hands about?
Eleventh Doctor: Yes.
[Claps his hands together]
Eleventh Doctor: No.

In bed above, we're deep asleep.
While greater love lies further deep.
This dream must end,
The world must know,
We all depend on the beat below.

Peter Capaldi and Jenna Coleman are back in Cardiff, back in the box, and back in action-for one of our scariest adventures yet!

If it's time to go, remember what you're leaving. Remember the best.

See the bowtie? I wear it and I don't care. That's why it's cool.

Good is good in the final hour, in the deepest pit – without hope, without witness, without reward. Virtue is only virtue in extremis.