Evolution Humor Quotes

Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? ~ Bill Hicks

I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don't know how to account for it, but it is so."
"It may be Nature's provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. ~ H.L. Mencken

The missing link between humans and apes? It's certainly those brutes who haven't yet learned to respect privacy. ~ Raheel Farooq

A lizard fucks a crab and nine months later a turtle pops out. It's called evolution. ~ Anthony Marra

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey. ~ Mark Twain

What I don't understand,' Geoff says, 'is why did the first fish, like the one who started land animals, suddenly decide one day to just leave the sea? Like, to leave everything he knew, to go flopping around on a land where no one had even evolved yet for him to talk to?' He shakes his head. 'He was a brave fish, definitely, and we owe him a lot, for starting life on land and everything? But I think he must have been very depressed. ~ Paul Murray

When the lights went out.
It wasn't just the lights. So many things about his physical situation changed all at once that his hindbrain couldn't keep up. It told him to be nauseated just in case he'd been poisoned. It was working with fifty-million-year-old response algorithms. ~ James S.A. Corey

As an anonymous wit is supposed to have put it: Hydrogen is a light, odorless gas which, given enough time, changes into people. ~ David Christian

It's almost impossible to prevent Chavs from breeding, but when a Chav reproduces evolution is halted and devolution commences. Chavs truly are the missing link of society ~ Karl Wiggins

All cows were like other cows, all tigers like all other tigers - What on earth happened to human beings? ~ Harry Mulisch

Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse. ~ James D. Carswell

Q: But what do you think that the Bible, itself, says? Don't you know how it was arrived at?
A: I never made a calculation
Q: What do you think?
A: I do not think about things I don't think about.
Q: Do you think about things you do think about?
A: Well, sometimes. ~ Scopes Trial

Alternatively, anyone who favors Intelligent Design in lieu of evolution might pause to wonder why God devoted so much of His intelligence to designing malarial parasites. ~ David Quammen

No wonder these people don't believe in evolution. It obviously hasn't worked in their favor. ~ Jeri Smith-Ready

...causing her eyes to bulge and her tongue to flick from behind her luscious lips, scaring away insects." - Amok 2015 ~ Fred Barnett

You're flying Buzz! No Woody we're falling in style! ~ Walt Disney Company

Some of my scientific friends and colleagues confess that they cannot for the life of them see why I don't abandon ship and join them. The short answer is that I have managed, by straddling the boundaries, to have the best of both worlds. By working with scientists I get a rich diet of fascinating and problematic facts to think about, but by staying a philosopher without a lab or a research grant, I get to think about all the theories and experiments and never have to do the dishes ~ Daniel C. Dennett

You know that thing about Death Be Not Proud? Well, Fear Be Not Proud either. And Fear Be Not Elegant. What Fear be is stumbling, bumbling flight, crashing through brush, slip-sliding on pine needles, sloshing through puddles that are always deeper than you expect. ~ Josh Lanyon

Just a donation request to support the brave public servants of Los Angeles during this time of budgetary shortfalls. ~ Kate Danley

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It's not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven't turned into monsters ourselves
survivor's guilt, that's called. And we feel a bit stupid that we didn't notice our own symptoms earlier. I mean, I'd been sort of wondering why the Atkins diet was giving me night vision. But that hadn't seemed like something to worry about ... ~ Scott Westerfeld

I was raised right - I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners. ~ Kathy Griffin

Prior to my second stint in Perpignan, I was a fine diner and as I saw it, food was art. At vocational school, I was being taught how to cook, but I was frustrated by how basic the dishes were. I was like a kid who had grown up listening to Chopin, then showed up at music school, never having actually played an instrument. I mean, when you listen to Chopin all the time, you want to become Chopin. And then you go to music school and all you're doing is plunking out do...re... mi for hours at a time. It's boring as hell, and not why you enrolled. I was impatient to create great meals and not so excited about starting with the basics. Why were we spending hours learning how to hold a knife or mine a shallot when we could be making nouvelle cuisine? True, I didn't know how to cut a chicken in eight pieces or make a bechamel. But in the two- and three-start restaurants I had been to, they were way over the bechamel. Still, there I was, in school, making the most basic of dishes--salade Nicoise, potato-leek soup, an omelette. ~ Eric Ripert

We kings do develop a certain ability to recognize objects under our noses. ~ Robin McKinley

On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children. ~ Allie Brosh

Me and God have a great relationship, but we're both seeing other people. ~ Dolly Parton

If you believe in yourself and work hard, your dreams will come true.
Well ... I guess the people who work hard whose dreams don't come true don't get to write books about it, so we never really find out what happens to them. So ...
If you believe in yourself and work hard, you have a fighting shot at having your dreams come true. ~ Mindy Kaling

Yes, I'm sorry you won't be coming with us," Chloe said to Alex. "But please don't worry. I'm certain The Lord has another plan for you." She glanced at me. "For both of you."
"Oh, I can assure you,"said a new, deeply masculine voice from behind me. I turned to see John sitting, tall and dark and disapproving, on the back of his horse, Alastor. "He does."
"Chloe wasn't talking about you," I said to John, leaning my elbows against the rough wood of the dock railing. "She meant the other lord."
John raised a dark eyebrow. "Oh, that one," he said. "My mistake. ~ Meg Cabot

At this most crucial time in the course of evolution we are all faced with the appalling fact that we may, at any moment, destroy our precious material lives and our wonderful little earth through advanced technological means. With the advance of civilization has developed the ghastly power to destroy all of humanity at the push of a button. We are now on the verge of destroying ourselves utterly from the face of the earth! We have become mere slaves to subhuman types of destructive thinking and action! We are out of control in every direction! More than any other time on earth we are all faced with the potential dangers of political anarchy and ruin, and we are all exposed to the terrific possibility of a Third World War, more hideous than any other war in the history of our planet. What we do at this most crucial time will determine the destinies of humanity for many generations, even centuries, to come. ~ David Cherubim

I knew what Charley would do. He would spend the evening drinking himself into the mindset of a cinder block. If they had given him as much as a hundred bucks, it would be a long night. ~ Dan Ahearn

If Sam told him, I'd have to kill Sam. Since I didn't have the stomach for outright murder, I'd break his coffee maker. ~ Melissa Haag

I'll find you, don't worry. My body won't be with you all the time, but you'll always have my heart. I'm your worrier, remember?"
"I'll never forget. I promise. I'm your High Priestess and you've pledged yourself to me. That means you have my heart, too."
"Then both of us better stay safe. A heart's a hard thing to live without. I should know. I've tried it. ~ P.C. Cast

Free will was not created for fun; there was a reason that evolution handed our ancestors the ability to take initiatives (...) eventually to be in a better position to reproduce and rear children than human beings who do not reproduce. ~ Matt Ridley

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they'll at least have something to keep them warm after they've lost all their money when the company goes under. ~ Amy Summers

The truth is what we say it is ... prove to me this desk is not a cow! ~ Ray S. Jones

I think there's no greater joy than completing a song out of thin air. It's like inventing something, but it's invisible, you know? It's weird. It amazes me. You can send it out in the world, and that's the joy. It's like giving birth to all these songs and letting them go like they're your kids. ~ Jason Mraz

I thought Candy Mountain was a real place ~ Sarah Martin

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors. ~ Tina Fey

Did he mean me or Jenny Mullendore was a slut?" Joanne wondered. "Because honestly, I don't see how she has the time for slut activities with those two preschoolers of hers. Me, I've got lots of time. ~ Nora Roberts

She informed me that in the future, I was not to throw out Starbucks customers just for being heartless bitches. ~ Lauren Myracle

How to get in trouble #43: I was once caught staring at a woman's breasts, when she asked "why do you keep staring on my breasts?", I replied with "because your face is ugly ~ Haresh Daswani

When I view all beings not as special creations, but as the lineal descendants of some few beings which lived long before the first bed of the Cambrian system was deposited, they seem to me to become ennobled. ~ Charles Darwin

I still found literary criticism to be a suspect activity ~ Alison Bechdel

I could not imagine the kind of person that would, upon seeing a crazy talcum-powder-covered Southern lady think to herself, Hmmmm, she might make a great new friend. The line between normal and crazy seemed impossibly thin. ~ Augusten Burroughs

The advances of science and technology will bring us to the greatest moral dilemma since God stayed the hand of Abraham: how much to retrofit the human genotype. Shall it be a lot, a little bit, or none at all? The choice will be forced on us because our species has begun to cross what is the most important yet still least examined threshold in the technoscientific era. We are about to abandon natural selection, the process that created us, in order to direct our own evolution by volitional selection - the process of redesigning our biology and human nature as we wish them to be. ~ Edward O. Wilson

An Irish pub, such as you have seen a thousand times before. The kind where the emphasis is on the "ish" rather than on the proud name of Éire. ~ Sorin Suciu

Oh God! I wore granny panties today. I didn't think anyone would see them." She covers her eyes with her hand in embarrassment. ~ Gisele Walko

He's not a total idiot. In fact, he has a good head on his shoulders. He thinks like a woman, most of the time. ~ Robert Jordan

That man can interrogate as well as observe nature was a lesson slowly learned in his evolution. ~ William Osler

Next time you're afraid to share ideas, remember someone once said in a meeting, 'Let's make a film with a tornado full of sharks. ~ Unknown

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. ~ H.L. Mencken

Get some man-killing meat on your bones. No more of this anorexic scarecrow shit. ~ Pierce Brown

Her wish for a harmonious, organized world denied her the reckless possibilities of wrongdoing. Mayhem and destruction were too chaotic for her tastes, and she did not have it in her to be cruel. ~ Ian McEwan

You used nunchucks on a moose?"
Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. "I used all sorts of things on that bastard. ~ Richelle Mead

The Cards lead the Dodgers 4-2 after one inning and that one hasn't even started. ~ Jerry Coleman

I don't think I could ever do a network sitcom because the humor is often based on some trite circumstance. I don't want to be a part of a show where it's mostly about coming up with the jokes. ~ Sherilyn Fenn

.. a simile is not a lie, unless it is a bad simile. ~ Mark Haddon

Stay humble as a writer: write on toilet paper. ~ Jonas Eriksson

Our earliest ancestors were descended from primates who thrived for millions of years in a treetop environment, and who in the process had evolved one of the most remarkable visual systems in nature. To move quickly and efficiently in such a world, they developed extremely sophisticated eye and muscle coordination. Their eyes slowly evolved into a full-frontal position on the face, giving them binocular, stereoscopic vision. This system provides the brain a highly accurate three-dimensional and detailed perspective, but is rather narrow. Animals that possess such vision - as opposed to eyes on the side or half side - are generally efficient predators like owls or cats. They use this powerful sight to home in on prey in the distance. Tree-living primates evolved this vision for a different purpose - to navigate branches, and to spot fruits, berries, and insects with greater effectiveness. They also evolved elaborate color vision. ~ Robert Greene

Really, Mom? Boob play isn't your thing? You didn't have an urge to motorboat them? I, for one, am shocked. ~ Laurel Ulen Curtis

Goddammit! How does the world keep spinning with women on the planet?
Ian St. John in THE POMPEII SCROLL ~ Jacqueline LaTourrette

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude? ~ Robin Williams

Do you love me, Westley? Is that it?'
He couldn't believe it. 'Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches. If your love were - '
'I don't understand the first one yet,' Buttercup interrupted. She was starting to get very excited now. 'Let me get this straight. Are you saying my love is the size of a grain of sand and yours is this other thing? Images just confuse me so - is this universal business of yours bigger than my sand? Help me, Westley. I have the feeling we're on the verge of something just terribly important.'
'I have stayed these years in my hovel because of you. I have taught myself languages because of you. I have made my body strong because I thought you might be pleased by a strong body. I have lived my life with only the prayer that some sudden dawn you might glance in my direction. I have not known a moment in years when the sight of you did not send my heart careening against my rib cage. I have not known a night when your visage did not accompany me to sleep. There has not been a morning when you did not flutter behind my waking eyelids….Is any of this getting through to you, Buttercup, or do you want me to go on for a while?'
'Never stop.'
'There has not been - '
'If you're teasing me, Westley, I'm just going to kill you.'
'How can you even dream I might be teasing?'
'Well, you haven't once said you loved me.'
'That's all you need? Easy. I love you. Okay? Want i ~ William Goldman