Age Humor Quotes

Women do not lie about their age. In fact, no woman ever has, its just that memory is the first thing to go. ~ David C. Holley

Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed. ~ Charles M. Schulz

One should never make one's debut with a scandal. One should reserve that to give an interest to one's old age. ~ Oscar Wilde

You are old and grey," she teased.
"And you're never too immortal for a spanking," he shot back ... ~ Dianna Hardy

I am asking Scribners to insert as a subtitle in everything after the eighth printing
THE SUN ALSO RISES (LIKE YOUR COCK IF YOU HAVE ONE)
A greater Gatsby
(Written with the friendship of F. Scott Fitzgerald (Prophet of THE JAZZ AGE) ~ Ernest Hemingway,

Pheromones didn't care about tomorrow. They didn't care about education or employment or age. ~ Tracy Brogan

What is Time, O sister of similar features, that you speak of it so subserviently? Are we to be the slaves of the sun, that secondhand overrated knob of gilt, or of his sister, that fatuous circle of silver paper? A curse upon their ridiculous dictatorship! ~ Mervyn Peake

We should just bomb them back to the Stone Age. ~ Mal Peet

And there was this sweet-looking little old lady with her white hair in a bun and everything, the typical grandmother type, and she was swearing her head off. I guess Alzheimer's had brought out her inner sailor. ~ Vivian Vande Velde

At least in the Gilded Age age they gilded shit. ~ Josh Bazell

I'm not saying Abbott Computing Services suffered from an acute form of TV demographics, but, how did I get the job? I wasn't under 40. I wasn't anorexic slim. I didn't have a face that would launch a thousand ships, or even a rowboat. Of course, I was a temp, and the young and beautiful wouldn't have to look at me forever." Jo Durbin ~ Norma Huss

He didn't shout, "I love you!" for example, because self-conscious people don't shout that sort of thing. At that time, however, the Norwegian had other opportunities of expressing himself. He could express irritation or anger by going outside and chopping down a tree, or throwing big stones in the water.*
*As is known, the Norwegian coast is surrounded by thousands of larger and smaller stones (The Skerries). This is very likely a sign that there was considerable irritation during the Norwegian Stone Age. ~ Odd Borretzen

Thirty
the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair. ~ F Scott Fitzgerald

He calls it his office or his study and in my head I still call it the drawing room, because in a past life I was a duchess and I've never quite gotten over being reborn as a commoner in this age. ~ Sarah Hogle

Men are most virile and attractive between the ages of 35 and 55. Under 35 a man has too much to learn, and I don't have time to teach him. ~ Hedy Lamarr

She looks like a very young old person, or a very old young person; but then, she's looked that way ever since she was two. ~ Margaret Atwood

You aren't really old until nothing is fun enough to make you forget the weather. ~ Robert Quillen

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age. ~ Warren Buffett

Avoid the stage of old age sit in the audience, it's all the rage ~ Benny Bellamacina

I was a product of a divorced family and I used humor as a weapon to combat sadness. I used comedy to make my mother laugh in light of the darkness that she faced, and to me it became a very powerful tool at a very young age, at six. I saw how therapeutic it could be. ~ Josh Gad

Though I should have known better, I had to ask. "What is furniture disease?"
She looked at me like I had the IQ of a grape. "It's when your chest falls into your drawers. Get ready for it, honey, because with that rack of yours, you'll be using them as knee pads before you know it. ~ Annelise Ryan

When I am old and addled I will make coronets like Cad, that have nothing to do with history, but represent the whimsy and cobwebs in my brain. ~ Sherri Baldy

My mother always used to say, The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana. ~ Betty White

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. ~ George Burns

From an early age onward, it was said that 'Ingmar has no sense of humor.' ~ Ingmar Bergman

French wines may be said but to pickle meat in the stomach, but this is the wine that digests, and doth not only breed good blood, but it nutrifieth also, being a glutinous substantial liquor; of this wine, if of any other, may be verified that merry induction: That good wine makes good blood, good blood causeth good humors, good humors cause good thoughts, good thoughts bring forth good works, good works carry a man to heaven, ergo, good wine carrieth a man to heaven. ~ James Howell

In fact the Gods were as puzzled by all this as the wizards were, but they were powerless to do anything and in any case were engaged in an eons-old battle with the Ice Giants, who had refused to return the lawnmower. ~ Terry Pratchett

Her cerulean eyes widened.
"You dream about me?"
His gaze snapped back to hers.
"Nightmares only ~ Morgan Rhodes

Devoted to principles of liberty, equality, and religious tolerance
which, dear internet, is not necessarily the same thing as satanism
Masonic lodge became the de facto clubhouses of the Age of Reason. ~ Sarah Vowell

Tanith: have you called the police?
fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.
tanith: tell them not to bother ... im his doctor.
beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?
tanith: the kind that looks good init ~ Derek Landy

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core. ~ Sarah Silverman

Humor is the opposite of all self-admiration and self-praise. ~ Karl Barth

I had a dream about you. We were in a canoe, and we were paddling across the desert. You said you were thirsty, and I pointed to the sand that surrounded us and said, "No, I will not urinate in your mouth." At that point I woke up, because I realized I really had to pee - and get a drink of water. ~ Dora J. Arod

Most of the girls I've met since moving here have failed to ignite any modicum of enduring interest. Of course, I've dated; I'm seventeen years old and as horny as the next guy. ~ Siobhan Davis

What do you think of Christmas?"
"I like it," she said. "I think we should have it every year. ~ Liz Flaherty

The Senator was vulgar, almost illiterate, a public liar easily detected, and in his "ideas" almost idiotic, while his celebrated piety was that of a traveling salesman for church furniture, and his yet more celebrated humor the sly cynicism of a country store.
Certainly there was nothing exhilarating in the actual words of his speeches, nor anything convincing in his philosophy. His political platforms were only wings of a windmill. ~ Sinclair Lewis

I have often started off on a walk in the state called mad-mad in the sense of sore-headed, or mad with tedium or confusion; I have set forth dull, null and even thoroughly discouraged. But I never came back in such a frame of mind, and I never met a human being whose humor was not the better for a walk. ~ Donald C. Peattie

You always have to be prepared that the thing we want most desperately to happen may not happen the way we think. That takes faith. So why not try wanting to see something happen without desperation. ~ Art Hochberg

You can't drive them around in the getaway van.' 'How about we don't call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.' 'So what should we call it?' 'How about the van?' 'It doesn't change what it is and that it's a shitty thing to do. Someone might see them in it. ~ Cath Crowley

When Suzie introduced Helen, she told the audience that one of the best things about books is that they are an interactive art form: that while the author may describe in some detail how a character looks, it is the reader's imagination that completes the image, making it his or her own. "That's why we so often don't like movies made from books, right?" Suzie said. "We don't like someone else's interpretation of what we see so clearly." She talked, too, about how books educate and inspire, and how they soothe the soul-"like comfort food without the calories," she said. She talked about the tactile joys of reading, the feel of a page beneath one's fingers; the elegance of typeface on a page. She talked about how people complain that they don't have time to read, and reminded them that if they gave up half an hour of television a day in favor of reading, they could finish twenty-five books a year. "Books don't take time away from us," she said. "They give it back. In this age of abstraction, of multitasking, of speed for speed's sake, they reintroduce us to the elegance-and the relief!-of real, tick-tock time. ~ Elizabeth Berg

If you can spell "Nietzsche" without Google, you deserve a cookie. ~ Lauren Leto

What I don't understand is how come I got seven thousand chromosomes that make me smart and not a single one that makes me cool. ~ Steve Kluger

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck ~ George Carlin

All right gentlemen, we have a job to do. At approximately 01:30 tonight, three children made an escape. Our job is to find them and bring them back. Every minute the factory is down, I lose two thousand, seven hundred and thirty-eight dollars and forty-seven cents. Therefore, we must find them and find them fast. They were last seen heading south by southwest in three makeshift kites. We'll head in that direction, fanning out and using our heat sensors to track them. Any questions?" Tubaface raised his hand. "Yes?"
"Where do babies come from?"
"That question is wholly innapropriate to our present situation. Someone slap him. ~ Sean Cullen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

When asked what profession they like least, most people will give the obvious answer: clowns. ~ Brian South

The whitest thing I have ever done in my life was not repeatedly trying to get bangs after seeing pictures of Zooey Deschanel. The whitest thing I've done in my life was trying to save the Flint youth while I was visiting there. ~ Karla Cornejo Villavicencio

The world has a harder time breaking a good sense of humor, John Gramm ~ Natasha Larry

Hanks grin almost sent me into meltdown. The kind where I killed him, but first I would stick my tongue down his throat and ride him till he was blind. ~ Robyn Peterman

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. ~ Ambrose Bierce

This is what class warfare looks like: The Business Roundtable - representing Goldman Sachs, Bank of America, JP Morgan Chase and others - has called on Congress to raise the eligibility age of Social Security and Medicare to 70, cut Social Security and veterans' COLAs, raise taxes on working families and cut taxes for the largest corporations in America. ~ Bernie Sanders

I worked hard in gymnastics since the time I was six years old until I retired at 23 years of age. ~ Nadia Comaneci

It's always a really great feeling when I talk to people who watched 'Jett Jackson' because we were the same age. We were all kids. I was 13 when I started working on that show, and that was part of my childhood. ~ Lee Thompson Young

Confidence is highly erotic. ~ K.D. Harp

I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No ... not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot. ~ J.R. Ward

If I want Italian and you want Japanese, why can't you compromise and have Italian?" my husband once said to me, redefining the word "compromise. ~ Nell Scovell

George is a goblin who looks like a young boy. He is explaining to his friend Lout, an ogre, that he's really older than he seems - - -

"My people grow slowly and I've been around longer than you think. I'm very mature for my age. I have a doctorate degree from Oxford in Medieval Literature," said George.

"Is Oxford really in this story?" asked Lout.

"I should have said Oxxphord."

"That sounds better. I'm really impressed, George. With an education like that, you could get a great job."

"Yeah, that's how I ended up as a stable boy. ~ Bob Craton

He thought the column was magnificent, everything it said about old age was the best he had ever read, and it made no sense to end it with a decision that seemed more like a civil death. ~ Gabriel Garcia Marquez

It's amazing how, age after age, in country after country, and in all languages, Shakespeare emerges as incomparable. ~ M.H. Abrams

Do you ever lay off the crap or is it all bullshit, all the time with you? ~ Denise Grover Swank

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. ~ Rita Rudner

If humankind would accept and acknowledge this responsibility and become creatively engaged in the process of evolution, consciously as well as unconsciously, a new reality would emerge, and a new age could be born. ~ Jonas Salk

Giving him a slight wave, she turned and strolled away.
"Jaime?" he called after her. "Jaime, don't ignore me!"
Without breaking stride, she glanced at him over her shoulder. "It's not that I'm ignoring you. I've just lost interest in the conversation. ~ Suzanne Wright

I poo poo the chit.'
The attendant looked stunned. 'You cannot poo-poo the chit!'
I do.' Kate said solemnly. 'I do poo-poo.'
We'll walk. ~ Kenneth Oppel

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. ~ Robert Frost

I had the good fortune to be able to right an injustice that I thought was being heaped on young people by lowering the voting age, where you had young people that were old enough to die in Vietnam but not old enough to vote for their members of Congress that sent them there. ~ Birch Bayh

Thank you," the young mother said again. "Thank you."
"The Black Tower protects," Logain heard himself say. "Always."
"I will send him to you to be tested when he is of age," the woman promised, holding her son. "I would have him join you, if he has the talent."
The talent. Not the curse. The talent. ~ Robert Jordan

From time to time, you may see a girl wearing her black opaque tights as pants. They are, in fact, not. ~ Nina Garcia

I was walking through Central Park, and I saw an old man smoking. Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking. This guy was ancient, bent over a walker, puffing away. I'm like, "Duuude, you're my hero! Guy your age smoking, man, it's great." He goes, "What? I'm 28. ~ Bill Hicks

If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it could be a really ugly swan. ~ Timmothy Radman

In grammar school he'd had an old priest as his religion teacher. "Truth is light," the priest had said one day.
Montalbano, never very studious, had been a mischievous pupil, always sitting in the last row.
"So that must mean that if everyone in the family tells the truth, they save on the electric bill. ~ Andrea Camilleri

Close your eyes and picture it. Can you see it?"

I nod, eyes closed.

"Imagine it right there before you. See its texture, shape, and color - got it?"

I smile, holding the image in my head.

"Good. Now reach out and touch it. Feel its contours with the tips of your fingers, cradle its weight in the palms of your hands, then combine all of your senses - sight, touch, smell, taste - can you taste it?"

I bite my lip and suppress a giggle.

"Perfect. Now combine that with feeling. Believe it exists right before you. Feel it, see it, touch it, taste it, accept it, manifest it!" he says.

So I do. I do all of those things. And when he groans, I open my eyes to see for myself.

"Ever." He shakes his head. "You were supposed to think of an orange. This isn't even close."

"Nope, nothing fruity about him." I laugh, smiling ateach of my Damens - the replica I manifested before me, and the flesh and blood version beside me. Both of them equally tall, dark, and so devastatingly handsome they hardly seem real. ~ Alyson Noel

I have passed out of childhood into old age. I have had no youth - no womanhood; the hopes of womanhood have closed for me - for I shall never marry; and I anticipate cares and sorrows just as if I were an old woman, and with the same fearful spirit. ~ Elizabeth Gaskell

A good-humored wife who appreciates most, if not all, of my humor - her price is far above rubies, as the book of Proverbs doesn't quite say. ~ Andrew Hudgins