Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I went to see my doctor ... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah ... I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics. ~ Chris Rock

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield. ~ Jim Gaffigan

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents? ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has teeth like the stars ... they come out at night. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles ~ Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came
back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife gives good headache. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it". ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect ... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu ... she bid me a don't. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms. ~ Rodney Dangerfield