Woody Allen Quotes

No, no, I'm a lowbrow. I read [Dostoevsky] more out of obligation than enjoyment. For enjoyment, for me, it's a beer and the football game. ~ Woody Allen

People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you're so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you. ~ Woody Allen

I think [aging] has nothing to recommend it. You don't gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you'd trade all of that for being 35 again. ~ Woody Allen

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can-opener works. ~ Woody Allen

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.
I have the strength of one small boy ... with polio. ~ Woody Allen

One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles. ~ Woody Allen

I don't inhale because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can't not hold one. ~ Woody Allen

You're a genius! And the proof is that both common people and intellectuals find your work completely incoherent. ~ Woody Allen

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don't you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs. ~ Woody Allen

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. ~ Woody Allen

[...] It is. Philosophy is a field that, unfortunately, reminds me of that old Woody Allen joke, "those that can't do, teach, and those that can't teach, teach gym." And the worst part of philosophy is the philosophy of science; the only people, as far as I can tell, that read work by philosophers of science are other philosophers of science. It has no impact on physics what so ever, and I doubt that other philosophers read it because it's fairly technical. And so it's really hard to understand what justifies it. And so I'd say that this tension occurs because people in philosophy feel threatened, and they have every right to feel threatened, because science progresses and philosophy doesn't.
[the atlantic, Has Physics Made Philosophy and Religion Obsolete? - interview, apr 23 2012] ~ Lawrence M. Krauss

I'm such a fan of actors and also enjoy watching them work so that I can help their acting in any way I can. Sometimes it walks a tricky line because you want to be entertaining to some degree. But honesty is always entertaining to me. I'm a big Woody Allen and Spike Lee fan, and I find their films to be very honest. ~ Dito Montiel

People think I'm an artist because my films lose money. ~ Woody Allen

So, most of it was done over the phone. But one of the first things I did as a director, because it's one of the first things you should do, even though most don't, is to ask good actors who they think is right for the part. They know better than anybody. But without missing a beat Maggie said Pauline Collins. I didn't know Pauline because I hadn't seen Shirley Valentine, but then I saw this thing that she did with Woody Allen [You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger], in which she was wonderful as a psychic, and I said to her on the phone: "The dialogue seemed improvised." ~ Dustin Hoffman

If Woody Allen called me, I'd be there straight away. Who wouldn't? Truly. ~ Julie Delpy

God is either cruel or incompetent. ~ Woody Allen

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage. ~ Woody Allen

I have a number of symptoms that are neurotic and are constricting in the sense that if I had a brilliant idea for a film that had to be shot in Tulsa, OK I would tear it up and throw it away. Anything outside of New York, 'cause I can't exist in a hotel outside of my own home, I have to be in my own home and my own environment. This is a neurotic symptom that is constricting to my work even. ~ Woody Allen

When you make the film, there's a big difference between when you're in your own home at the typewriter, and when you're standing on a mountain, or on a street corner, and buses are coming by-it's a different reality. You make a million changes that were never in the script, but that reality dictates. ~ Woody Allen

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours. ~ Woody Allen

I'd like to think that the day I realize we will always be miserable will differ from every other. I hope it will so obnoxiously stand out from the monotonous cycle of my days, that I wouldn't forget that sorrowful moment of comprehension. But, when that breeze of reality comes by, it wont be a memorable hurricane, nor a momentous tornado. It will be the same, sad, soft wind that I felt the day before, and the day before that. Because the moment you understand your inevitable misery in life, may also be the day you see you are to always be dejected. ~ Temperance

The most beautiful words in the English language are not 'I love you', but 'It's benign'. ~ Woody Allen

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson. ~ Woody Allen

No Matter what you do there will be critics. ~ Woody Allen

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. ~ Woody Allen

One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit. ~ Woody Allen

I never considered myself an artist. I aspire to be an artist, but I never thought I had the depth or substance or gift to be an artist. I do think I have some talent, but it doesn't go as far as being an artist. ~ Woody Allen

As I got more confident, I was able to let actors improvise, and do long takes. It's 10%, 5% you learn and experience. The rest you just have or you don't have. ~ Woody Allen

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. ~ Woody Allen

There is no advantage getting older. You don't get smarter, you don't get wiser, you don't get more mellow, you don't get more kindly, nothing good happens. Your back hurts more, you get more indigestion, your eyesight isn't as good, you need a hearing aid. It's a bad business getting old and I would advise you not to do it if you can avoid it. It doesn't have a romantic quality. ~ Woody Allen

Everybody knows how awful the world is and each person distorts it in a certain way that enables him to get through. Some people distort it with religious things, others with sports, money, love, art, and they all have their own nonsense about what makes it meaningful, and all but nothing makes it meaningful. These things definitely serve a certain function, but in the end they all fail to give life meaning and everyone goes to his grave in a meaningless way. ~ Woody Allen

It's just an accident that we happen to be on earth, enjoying our silly little moments, distracting ourselves as often as possible so we don't have to really face up to the fact that, you know, we're just temporary people with a very short time in a universe that will eventually be completely gone. And everything that you value, whether it's Shakespeare, Beethoven, da Vinci, or whatever, will be gone. The earth will be gone. The sun will be gone. There'll be nothing. The best you can do to get through life is distraction. Love works as a distraction. And work works as a distraction. You can distract yourself a billion different ways. But the key is to distract yourself. ~ Woody Allen

Take the money and run. ~ Woody Allen

History is the same thing over and over again. ~ Woody Allen

Woody Allen is in his '70s and he's making movies, so I look forward to getting there. ~ Brett Ratner

Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale? ~ Woody Allen

It figures you've got to hate yourself if you've got any integrity at all. ~ Woody Allen

My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one ~ Woody Allen

I hate when art becomes a religion. I feel the opposite. When you start putting a higher value on works of art than people, you're forfeiting your humanity. ~ Woody Allen

In New York State they have a strange law that says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery - and it's weird, because the Ten Commandments say 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.' But New York State says you have to. Well, finally, what happened was that my wife committed adultery for me. She's always been more mechanically inclined than I have. ~ Woody Allen

The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts. ~ Woody Allen

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ. ~ Woody Allen

Years of insanity have made this guy crazy! ~ Woody Allen

I never ever see a film of mine after I release it to the public. I see it when I shoot it in my dailies and while I'm editing it, re-editing it and reshooting it and all that. By the time it's finished I never want to see it again. ~ Woody Allen

You can't work at a relationship; you can't control it. You have to be lucky and go through your life. If you are not lucky you have to be prepared for some degree of suffering. That's why most relationships are very difficult and have some degree of pain. People stay together because of inertia, they don't have the energy. Because they are frightened of being lonely, or they have children. ~ Woody Allen

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. ~ Woody Allen

Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion. ~ Woody Allen

Go ahead - walk into the propeller. ~ Woody Allen

Over time, my belief in many things has wavered: marriage, the afterlife, Woody Allen. ~ Lena Dunham

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. ~ Woody Allen

I would not like to live in the past because you don't get anesthetic when you go to the dentist. You don't get antibiotics. You don't get the things that you are used to now, cell phones and televisions and things that are very convenient. You don't want that. But, it would be fun if you could, every now and then, just meet a friend for lunch at Maxim's in Paris in 1900, or go back to 1870 just for a couple of hours, take a walk in the park, and then come right back to Broadway. ~ Woody Allen

Comedy comes from the pain and sadness you feel in day-to-day life," he explains. "People who are happy and satisfied with their lives can't produce comedy, I think. They have no need to make a movie that inspires laughter. Charlie Chaplin grew up in poverty. Woody Allen has an extremely negative personality - he's a depressed guy who needs to create laughter to live. Laughter is a form of salvation for negative people. ~ Yosuke Fujit

I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx & Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields. ~ Woody Allen

When I am in New York, I want to be in Europe, and when I am in Europe, I want to be in New York. ~ Woody Allen

There's no way to prove that there is no God. You just have to take it on faith. ~ Woody Allen

Charly Cruz asked him if he liked Spike Lee. Yes, said Fate, although he didn't really.
"He seems Mexican," said Charly Cruz.
"Maybe," said Fate. "That's an interesting way to look at it."
"And what about Woody Allen?"
"I like him," said Fate.
"He seems Mexican too ... ~ Roberto Bolano

At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings. ~ Woody Allen

I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't want to give me money to make films, that will stop me. But as long as people come all over the world and I have an audience and I have ideas for films, I will do them for as long as I enjoy the process. And I like the whole process of making a film. ~ Woody Allen

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come. ~ Woody Allen

Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don't really know what's going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody. ~ Woody Allen

I'd saw there were millions like me, but there aren't, really: lots of blokes have impeccable music taste but don't read, lots of blokes read but are really fat, lots of blokes are sympathetic to feminism but have stupid beards, lots of blokes have a Woody Allen sense of humor but look like Woody Allen. ~ Nick Hornby

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? ~ Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. ~ Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. ~ Woody Allen

Raining. Oh, brother, a scratch on the fender. Damn rabbi on his unicycle.
Wait a minute, where are my car keys? Could have sworn I left them in this pocket. No, just some loose change and ticket stubs from the all-black version of Elaine Stritch' s one-woman show.
Did I check my desk? Better go back inside. What's in the top drawer here? Hmm. Envelopes, my paper clips, a loaded revolver in case the tenant in 2A begins yodelling again. ~ Woody Allen

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock. ~ Woody Allen

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life. ~ Woody Allen

I'd like to make a great movie. I've made many movies. I think I've made some good movies. I've never felt I've made a great movie. ~ Woody Allen

No work of art can compare to a city. ~ Woody Allen

Since I was a kid, I could make up stories, I could make up funny jokes and I could always do it. When I'm walking down the street or having dinner, ideas will hit me, and I write them down on matchbooks or napkins and throw them in the draw. ~ Woody Allen

I read 'War and Peace' in 20 minutes," he says. "It's about Russia. ~ Woody Allen

I am told the settlement of $5 million I am being paid is the largest amount ever paid under the New York right to privacy law ~ Woody Allen

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up. ~ Woody Allen

I love Woody Allen. He's very clever, always thinking, and he's great with actors. He lets actors do what they want to do and occasionally he'll give them a specific kind of direction. ~ Vilmos Zsigmond

You look up after many years and you find that a film has become a classic because it's meaningful to people and alive, decade after decade. ~ Woody Allen

It was a pity that movies and live TV left New York for Hollywood. London theater, movies, television - until (Britain's) money ran out - were always better than ours since the city was the political capital of the country, as well as the artistic and literary one. In L.A. we've always been slightly sealed off from real life. It's no accident that two of our most interesting directors, Woody Allen and Bob Altman, are more or less settled in the real world. ~ Gore Vidal

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty. ~ Woody Allen

He's dreaming, Cloquet thought, as he stood over him, revolver in hand. He's dreaming, and I exist in reality. Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak. ~ Woody Allen

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it. ~ Woody Allen

It is not that fathers are better or worse, not that they are more loved or criticized, but rather that they are viewed with far less intensity. There is no Philip Roth or Woody Allen or Nancy Friday who writes about fathers with a runaway excess of humor, horror ... feeling. Most of us let our fathers off the hook. ~ Ellen Goodman

I write about what I want to write about, and so the film comes out as a very personal expression even if its subject matter is totally prefabricated. ~ Woody Allen

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject. ~ Woody Allen