Short Funny Weird Quotes

Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time. ~ Sandi Lynn

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. ~ Mae West

You've done what?"
"I know," he said. "You're impressed. You send me out for bread and I come back with a boy. Well, not literally. That would be weird. Even for me. ~ Derek Landy

It's actually happening. It's good, and a little awkward, and sometimes funny, because wow, human bodies are weird. But it's also more than I expected - than I ever hoped.
It's all of him and all of me, and most of all, it's us, it's us, it's us ~ Jenn Bennett

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights) ~ Eve Kagan

It's just that I have this funny objection to torturing small animals no matter how scrumptious their body parts might be ... Our food industries are equal opportunity abusers: cows, chickens, pigs, and a special mention to those little calves who for their short, miserable lives are locked into crates too small to allow movement just so we can eat veal. ~ Ron Reagan

Sending someone all of the possible birthday party emoji is extra festive: great! But sending someone all of the possible phallic emoji (say, the eggplant and the cucumber and the corncob and the banana) is NOT extra sexxaayy: that's a weird salad. ~ Gretchen McCulloch

Um, thanks," Jackson told her. "And your name is…?"

"I'm Margaret, Margaret Van Der Graaf," she answered with another eerie smile. Her teeth were so white that they looked bleached.

"Van Der Graaf?" Jackson repeated, trying to stifle his laughter. He didn't want to be rude to the only person in sight, to this kind-hearted stranger who was offering to help him, but… Van Der Graaf?

"What are you laughing at?" Margaret asked with curiosity, flashing him a calculating gaze. "I like my name. If you're going to be a jerk, then I won't help you. You can stay out here on the street through the night for all I care."

"…Harsh," said Jackson, giving her a quizzical glance back. There was something 'off' about her, something that Jackson couldn't quite place, something that bordered on horrible loneliness and longing. "Who else lives here, Margaret Van Der Graaf?" He couldn't resist saying her name aloud. Despite its hilarity, it had a nice ring to it. "Who else lives here?" he urged.

"Me, myself and I," said Margaret simply, snickering when she saw his horrified and annoyed expression ~ Rebecca McNutt

Dearly weird and motley beings, we're gathered here today for . . . yada, yada, yada. Seth say something profound and sweet to Lydia." Savitar
"My Lydia is like a star rising to guide me through the darkest night." Seth
"Look, kid, I can say the words for you, but I think she'd rather hear them from your lips. Ignore the assholes in the chairs. If one of them laughs, I'll gut him for you." Savitar
Lydia laid her hand against his cheek and kissed his lips. "Hey, hey, hey!" Savitar snapped. "You're jumping ahead, woman. It's your turn to make a vow to him."
"Love is paitent. Love is kind.
It does not envy. It does not boast. It does not proud.
It is not rude. It is not self seeking.
It is not easily angered> It keeps no records of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Lydia
"Yeah, okay,beings . . . now you ." Savitar
"Alright then, to the handful here, let me present Mr. and Mrs. Demigod jackal beings." Savitar
"You know this would be much easier if some of us had last names." Savitar to Seth and Lydia
"Would you stop ruining this for them?" Ma'at
"I'm not ruining it, Mennie, I'm making it memorable," Savitar ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

You better get it while you can
You better get it while you can
If you wait too long, it'll all be gone
And you'll be sorry then
It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor
And it's the same for a woman or a man
From the cradle to the crypt
Is a mighty short trip
So you better get it while you can ~ Steve Goodman

It sounds so weird, but I'm totally pro-aging. If you look at the film industry, it's so funny how it's so much more accepted that actors begin their prime in their forties or fifties, and for women it's so different. I think it's time to change that. Aging is a beautiful thing. ~ Michiel Huisman

The sad rocking chair in the corner was actually a joke of a chair: if one started laughing at it, one could die laughing. It was too low for a grown man, and besides, it was so tight, one needed a shoehorn to get back out of it. In short, this room was simply not furnished in a way appropriate to intellectual effort, and I did not intend to keep it any longer. ~ Knut Hamsun

Amphibians are dying out like crazy, and frogs and salamanders may be largely extinct by the end of the twenty-first century. Imagine an animal that begins its life in the water, but ends it on land - already, that's pretty weird. But, also, a lot of them are incredibly tiny and look wildly improbable. They have funny little toes, they stretch their throats into weird bubble shapes when they croak, and some of them are poisonous to the touch. I think kids from the twenty-second century might mythologize amphibians the way kids today mythologize dinosaurs. ~ Annalee Newitz

A weird thing I'm learning about grief - grief in all its forms - is that you can feel almost everything once. You'd think all those tears, all that laughter, all that deep sadness and even deeper hope would still the lungs and stop the heart.
But no. It's sort of the opposite.
And that's the funny thing about wishes - only when one comes true do you realize the full scope of that wish. What you really wanted. The beauty of it. The complexity.
The cost." -Grace ~ Ashley Herring Blake

In between bites of banana, Mr. Remora would tell stories, and the children would write the stories down in notebooks, and every so often there would be a test. The stories were very short, and there were a whole lot of them on every conceivable subject. "One day I went to the store to purchase a carton of milk," Mr. Remora would say, chewing on a banana. "When I got home, I poured the milk into a glass and drank it. Then I watched television. The end." Or: "One afternoon a man named Edward got into a green truck and drove to a farm. The farm had geese and cows. The end." Mr. Ramora would tell story after story, and eat banana after banana, and it would get more and more difficult for Violet to pay attention. ~ Lemony Snicket

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby. ~ Criss Jami

I invited Onyx to be my plus one. Of course she was all in when I added that Grandma A had a massive swimming pool and was within a short driving distance to a two-story bookstore. ~ K.R. Grace

Let me introduce you. These are my friends: Ronan, Adam Parrish, and Jane."
Adam's expression focused. Became Adam-like. He blinked over to Gansey.
"Blue," Blue corrected.
"Oh, yes, you are blue," Malory agreed. "How perceptive you are. What was the name? Jane? This is the lady I spoke to on the phone all those months ago, right? How small she is. Are you done growing?"
"What!" Blue said. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

Life is short. Ricky and I realize how lucky we were. We want to be together all the time. ~ Christie Brinkley

Tuck and me, we got each other," she said, "and that's a lot. The boys, now, they go their separate ways. They're some different, don't always get on too good. But they come home whenever the spirit moves, and every ten years, first week of August, they meet at the spring and come home together so's we can be a family again for a little while. That's why we was there this morning. One way or another, it all works out." She folded her arms and nodded, more to herself than to Winnie. "Life's got to be lived, no matter how long or short," she said calmly. "You got to take what comes. We just go along, like everybody else, one day at a time. Funny--we don't feel no different. Leastways, I don't. Sometimes I forget about what's happened to us, forget it altogether. And then sometimes it comes over me and I wonder why it happened to us. We're plain as salt, us Tucks. We don't deserve no blessings--if it is a blessing. And, likewise, I don't see how we deserve to be cursed, if it's a curse. Still-there's no use trying to figure why things fall the way they do. Things just are, and fussing don't bring changes. Tuck, now, he's got a few other ideas, but I expect he'll tell you. ~ Natalie Babbitt

No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it. ~ Jessica Day George

My smile wavers as I revert to my natural state of being: nervous and weird. ~ Stephanie Perkins

CALVIN:
Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor?
When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny.
Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?
HOBBES:
I suppose if we couldn't laugh at the things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life. ~ Bill Watterson

This week I was watching the Rachel Maddow Show (you'd love her: she's funny and brilliant and just happens to be a stunning butch), and she was interviewing the outgoing attorney general, Loretta Lynch, about the country's post election future. The entire show was like a burst of hope so bright I almost had to put on sunglasses. The African American attorney general, prim and plump, sat perched on a barstool talking to a white butch lesbian who has her own national television news show! The event was being recorded in the Stonewall Inn, the site of one of the first places where queer people fought back against police violence! (I was so nervous about being a lesbian in 1969, I hid the tiny newspaper clipping from you.) Simply that the interview was happening made me remember that there are people in the world who are not such egotistical, political careerists as to believe that human rights don't matter. Then, as if just showing up wasn't enough, Attorney General Lynch spoke a truth that is hard to remember from our short-lived perspective: "History is bigger than one turn of the electoral wheel." During your eighty-eight years on this plane, you saw numerous turns of the wheel, and many of them did not land on a prize. Still, toward the end of your life, you took me in and bestowed not just a roof and clothes and food but the gift of your history and the knowledge that we find hope inside ourselves. ~ Jewelle L. Gómez

It's weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I'm expected to be humorous on talk shows. ~ Ben Stiller

For me, noise is not something I use to shock, or because it's funny, or weird, or whatever. I use it because I find it beautiful. ~ Christian Fennesz

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

Don't worry if you've been labeled as weird. Who wants to be classed as normal in an insane world? ~ Jennifer White - Strong Heart Awakening

Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows." ~Paulo Coelho The ~ R.K. Lilley

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!" ~ Jim Gaffigan

Life Is Too Short--So Kiss Slowly,
Laugh Insanely, Love Truly,
And Live With Passion. ~ Andy Vogt

Most things I get hired on, I get hired because I improvise something funny, or they just think I look weird. ~ T. J. Miller

And I do not have a weird thing with Simon Snow,' Cath said. 'I'm just really active in the fandom.'
'What the f**ck is a fandom'
'You wouldn't understand,' Cath sighed ~ Rainbow Rowell

The clock struck eleven and cat the vampire huntress was on the loose, except my battle armor was a push-up bra, curled hair, and a short dress. Yeah, it was a dirty job, but I was going to do it. Come one, come all, bloodsuckers! Bar's open! ~ Jeaniene Frost

I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning. ~ Marc Maron

He pats his way around the bed and slides back in. 'Ow,' he says.
'Yes?'
'My belt. Would it be weird ... '
I'm thankful he can't see me blush. 'Of course not.' And I listen to the slap of leather as he pulls it out of his belt loops. He lays it gently on my hardwood floor.
'Um,' he says. 'Would it be weird - '
'YES.'
'Oh, piss off. I'm not talking trousers. I only want under the blankets.That breeze is horrible.' He slides underneath, and now we're lying side by side. In my narrow bed. Funny, but I never imagined my first sleepover with a guy being, well, a sleepover.
'All we need now are 'Sixteen Candles' and a game of Truth or Dare.'
He coughs. 'Wh-what?'
'The movie, pervert. I was just thinking it's been a while since I've had a sleepover.'
A pause. 'Oh. ~ Stephanie Perkins

And I thought I knew him. I knew him; I repeat it in my head bitterly. It's a funny thing to say, you know, to think that you know someone. Well, maybe once I DID know him, but I just wasn't smart enough to notice him change, because people do change, sometimes we just choose not to notice it. ~ Melanie Sargsian

I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird. ~ Lauren Ambrose As Claire Fisher

I was intentionally curbing the impulse to be funny and hiding the ability. I wrote any number of very serious attempts at poems, short stories, novels - horrible. At a certain point, I recognized that it was fun to write dialogue that had a degree of lightness and humor. ~ Patrick DeWitt

Ten short years ago, nobody had ever heard of a selfie. But today every decent cell phone has not one but two cameras, so you can take idiotic duck face pictures. And don't forget the billion dollar selfie-stick industry. Capitalism has found a whole new way to turn our vanity into profit. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy