Retirement Humor Quotes

When one door closes another one opens but if you keep looking back at the closed one you'll never see the one that's open ahead of you. ~ Christopher Sharp

When I retire I'm going to spend my evenings by the fireplace going through those boxes. There are things in there that ought to be burned. ~ Richard M. Nixon

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. ~ Joan Rivers

It's Sanjit. It's a Hindu name. It means 'invincible.'"
"That's great," Lana said.
"Invincible. I can't be vinced."
"That's not even a word," Lana said.
"Go ahead: try to vince me," Sanjit said. ~ Michael Grant

If you get a diagnosis, get on a therapy, keep a good attitude and keep your sense of humor. ~ Teri Garr

Great men are not known by their sizes, but by the greatness in their characters ~ OladosuOlatayo

I bought a big-ass house and haven't decorated it yet," Psycho replied defensively. "Patio furniture looks good in my living room. I don't
have a lamp. The red and green Christmas lights work just fine."
"The lights blink."
"So do I. ~ Kate Angell

I have a feeling you two are going to tag team against me all the time, aren't you? ~ Alexa Riley

I realized women and humor were linked very closely. ~ Craig Ferguson

Aren't you going to invite me in?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I'm a bitch like that. ~ Suzanne Wright

So, I suppose you just have a sense of where it is. And you don't have to be precise, is that it?"
"Allah is great. He has such wide shoulders."
Carl stuck out his lower lip in a pout. Of course Allah did. What was he thinking, anyway? ~ Jussi Adler-Olsen

The truth is I'm a chicken shit coward who's afraid of a girl like you. When I'm with you, I want things I never thought I'd be able to have, or deserved, and that scares me a little. I'm just a regular guy who works in a bar and you're this beautiful person who shines brighter than the stars.
I think I just made up some cheesy poetry so I'll stop while I'm ahead.
If you feel like talking, give me a call.
~D
Sophie sat down on the floor and, through blurry eyes, reread the note so many times she had it memorized.
She was going to do more than give him a call. ~ Jenny Lyn

Comedy is so hard to do, so it was very cool to do dead pan humor. ~ Brittany Daniel

Her biggest fault - perplexing to this day - is that Mother loves to pick trash. "Its an adventure", she says. "You never know what surprises you'll find ~ Camron Wright

We all stood in the vast theater of ancient Ephesus ... and had our picture taken. ... We add what dignity we can to a stately ruin with our green umbrellas and jackasses, but it is little," Mark Twain reported with his habitual humor. ~ Sabine Arque

Humor is rare in science fiction ... there's so little of it that it automatically reminds you of other heroes with that acerbic humor when you find it. ~ John Scalzi

I opened my mouth to respond, then decided to do that thing where you think before you speak. ~ Jessi Kirby

There is no cure for a bleeding heart. ~ Paula Wall

Flatterers should be mistrusted, especially when they praise the dead. To seek a place in society is self-serving, but to seek one in history affects everyone. ~ Bauvard

A Book in the hand is worth two in the bush. ~ A.J. DeJong

LIFE CHANGES AHEAD? Darwin never said it was the strongest who survive; he never said it was the smartest either. He said it was the most adaptable. So, lets embrace our next life change with energy and euphoria. Lets make it positive and enlightening like never before. Carpe Diem ~ Lee Johnson

Drop something?" he asked, trying to suppress a smile but failing miserably at the act.
I nodded and smiled back at him sheepishly, unable to find my voice to respond in any other way.
"Interested in locks, I see," he commented.
I nodded again.
"Well, here you go," he said, and he handed the book to me.
I nodded.
Oh crap, why did I just nod? Take the book! I screamed inside my head. Take it!
I took it slowly. He kept looking at me, smiling. ~ Markelle Grabo

I had always wondered why people wanted to be rich and famous. If you could be rich and anonymous, that would be fun. To be famous and not rich, the way we were, was the least fun. It takes time and effort to be famous, and if they offer you fame without the money, don't take it. It's a scam. ~ Alan Alda

Stenchgator, the Great Unwiped Bum... was listed in the Bumper Book of Bums as the stinkiest bum in the world. Most bums only registered one or two points on the Rectum scale, but Stenchgator came in at a nose-bruising 9.8 points. ~ Griffiths, Andy

God has chosen to give the easy problems to the physicists. ~ Charles A. Lave; James G. March

Plan. Yes. Good idea. I should come up with a plan. ~ Steven Brust

Does it count as 66 books on GoodReads if I have read the whole Bible? ~ Michael Wright

No one anticipates divorce when they're exchanging vows, and it can be devastating emotionally and financially. To ease the financial side of the blow, you need to maintain your financial identity in your relationship. That means having your own credit history - you need your own credit card - and your own savings and retirement accounts. ~ Jean Chatzky

The true leaders of our time, the legends of this world or the movers of the movers are the towering figures that are blessed with beautiful minds, receptive ears and directing voices. They are the ones we should emulate in life. ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping. ~ Russell Howard

Everything begins with white. ~ Jayson Engay

My name is Alexander Solomon Slade. I'm the Global Operations Director, although most here call me God"

"Well Mr Slade, if we are going by acronyms, I guess I could also call you Ass? ~ Jodi Knight

I always wished for a life like the movies. I should have been more specific in my prayers for a romantic drama, not a slapstick comedy. ~ Jiji Tharayil

One slice of key lime pie. Two forks.' I felt Todd's hand on my arm. 'You'll thank me later.' No doubt I would. ~ Ophelia London

No matter where you go, there you are. ~ Keith Caserta

Today I will masterbate!
Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written Today I will masterbate
if I want to! ~ Al Franken

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" ~ Henny Youngman

My French friend tells me that someday, if I work at it, I may no longer be flattering myself when I say I can speak a very little French. ~ Patricia Briggs

The bookworm catches the early bird! ~ A.J. DeJong

Tori joined us for dinner
in body, at least. She spent the meal practicing for a role in the next zombie movie, expressionless, methodically moving fork to mouth, sometimes even with food on it. ~ Kelley Armstrong

A part of me wants to spin around and slam the bottom of my heel into her head. In kick-boxing, we'd call that a Spinning Back Kick. Here, it's called, "how to get my crazy jealous ass fired." There's no way I'd get a thumbs up from Cain on that part. ~ K.A. Tucker

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can break hearts. ~ Tim Minchin

What do you know about racing? Ronnie asked, curious. He looked fascinated, like a scientist confronted by a strange new species: dontgivadamnus from the phylum couldntcareless. ~ Karen Chance

At the pet store he picked out two painted turtles, each about as big around as a mayonnaise-jar lid. He bought them a large kidney shaped dish that had its own little island, a plastic palm tree, some aquatic plants, and a snail. The snail, presumably, to bolster the self-esteem of the turtles: "You think we're slow? Look at that guy." To store up the snail's morale in the same way, there was a rock. ~ Christopher Moore

She smiled. "Oh, dear. All this and a sense of humor, too."
Apparently, no one had given him a compliment lately. He looked as if he'd been thrown a grenade. Or a wet kitten. ~ Tessa Dare

I can't live without a sense of humor. I need to be laughing and entertained at all times. ~ Carlos Ponce

There was Isola in a mad hat and a purple shawl pinned with a glittering brooch. She was smiling fixedly in the wrong direction and I loved her instantly. ~ Mary Ann Shaffer

Awwww, lame, we're not going to disneyworld. (said by the amazing talking dog, Total) ~ James Patterson

Life is meaning less when you realized that you are about to die. Till then, everything negative however trifle they may be, depress you. ~ Ankur Basu Roy