Programming Funny Quotes

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague. ~ Edsger Dijkstra

Talk is cheap. Show me the code. ~ Linus Torvalds

More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason - including blind stupidity. ~ William Wulf

Software sucks because users demand it to. ~ Nathan Myhrvold

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. ~ Doug Linder

Any fool can use a computer. Many do. ~ Ted Nelson

If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution. ~ Robert Sewell

In the sudden silence, Andrew grabbed my hand and shook it. "I'll miss you, Drew. You've been a regular gent."
It was hard not to cry, but I was determined to show Andrew I could be as tough as he was. "I'll miss you too," I admitted. "And Hannah and Theo and Mama and Papa. I never had a brother or a sister or a dog of my own before."
"But you won't miss Edward. He'll be there waiting for you." Andrew meant it as a joke, but neither of us laughed.
Suddenly serious, I gripped his shoulders tightly and stared into his eyes. "How will I know what happens to you?"
"Look in the graveyard," Andrew said in a melancholy voice. "If you don't see my tombstone, you'll know I didn't die."
He laughed to show me he was joking again, but death was even less funny than the old man in the wheelchair. ~ Mary Downing Hahn

The same people who never did their homework in high school are still doing that to this very day out in the real world. ~ Jules Shear

It's funny, after a while, you get tired of having to fight someone because they don't like the way you look. ~ Chris Robinson

Life has a funny way of creating it's own tests. It throws curve balls that make you do and think and feel things that are in direct conflict with what you had planned and don't allow you to operate in terms of black and white. ~ K.A. Tucker

When I was a kid I didn't feel like I fit in because - this is really silly and I probably shouldn't say it, but, I didn't think anything was funny. So I used to go home and literally cry to my mom and my step-dad at the time and I didn't think anything was funny. I couldn't laugh. ~ Courteney Cox

Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter. ~ John Green

How art thou out of breath when thou hast breath
To say to me that thou art out of breath? ~ William Shakespeare

I was asked about doing a nude shoot for men's magazine GQ. I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. ~ Julie Walters

Whereas shame let out can lead to freedom, or at least to a funny story, which is a sort of freedom too. ~ Jon Ronson

Her brother really was devastatingly handsome in a disheveled, wise-ass sort of way. Females followed him around like he was the Pied Piper of sex. Sydney constantly cautioned him about his choice in women and using protection. After all, he came from wealth. That made him ripe pickings to be some money hungry girl's sugar daddy. Especially since he went through those women like toilet paper. ~ Jenny Lyn

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from ... you heterosexuals. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Perspective is a funny thing. You think your back is to the wall, then something worse corners you, and the first threat looks puny in comparison. ~ Karen Marie Moning

With the money I'm making, I should be playing two positions. ~ Pete Rose

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?"
I stood and removed his shirt. "Then they'll have a good story to tell."
"Good?" He adopted the pretense of being offended.
"Prove me wrong. ~ Maria V. Snyder

Aurora!" Dad came running out.
"Over here."
"We're going to head home." Dad leaned against a post at the bottom of the steps. "Hey, guys. What're you talking about?"
I smiled. "Just ... girl stuff."
"Tampons," Blake blurted.
My jaw dropped. Dad's eyes went wide. "Well, that's ... very ... uh ... " He backed a few steps. Glanced over his shoulder. "I'll just ... um ... Gemma!" And he was sprinting toward the building.
"Blake!" we all snapped.
"Sorry, I panicked."
"Aurora," Ayden said. "You'd better - before your mom - "
"Yep." I raced down the steps. "Dad, he was kidding! ~ A&E Kirk

The United States has a system of taxation by confession ~ Hugo Black

I just draw what I think is funny, and I hope other people think it is funny, too. ~ Charles M. Schulz

Idle living turns me into an idiot. I can't afford to get stupid. I've already been irritating. I've used up my passes on personality flaws. ~ F.K. Preston

As a youth I got my jollies by confronting my professors with facts that ran completely contrary to what they were trying to ram into our thick skulls. His expressions of bafflement and anger had never failed to amuse me. ~ Lia Habel

I might have hasked a question ... , except that 1. I didn't know what it was, and 2. I didn't care to learn, and 3. I never really excelled in small talk. ~ John Green

Perhaps it is no wonder that the women were first at the Cradle and last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this Man - there never has been another. A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made arch jokes about them, never treated them as "The women, God help us!" or "The ladies, God bless them!"; who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no axe to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unselfconscious. There is no act, no sermon, no parable in the whole Gospel that borrows its pungency from female perversity; nobody could guess from the words and deeds of Jesus that there was anything "funny" about woman's nature. Dorothy Day, Catholic social activist and journalist ~ Sarah Bessey

If you want breakfast in bed, you have to concider sleeping in the kitchen> ~ Foster "Raul" Mkhabele

So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them. ~ Conan O'Brien

Here's a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was. ~ Dave Barry

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Tell me. Has your daughter made the journey with you?"

"She is here," the hag says. A girl steps from the crowd to bow low before Cardan. She is young, with a mass of unbound hair. Like her mother, her limbs are oddly long and twig-like, but where her mother is unsettlingly bony, she has a kind of grace. Maybe it helps that her feet resemble human ones.

Although, to be fair, they are turned backward. ~ Holly Black

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet. ~ Abraham Lincoln

If she doesn't learn about data structures at home, she'll just learn about it on the streets." Sandra laughed. This was Greg's stock answer for all the age-inappropriate activities he tried to teach the kids. Most of them were odd, but benign, like computer programming. However some - like coaching them to win every argument by declaring, That sounds like something Hitler would say -were much less benign. ~ Penny Reid

At the end of six innings of play, it's Montreal 5, Expos 3. ~ Jerry Coleman

I could pull off a 'man', but never, quite, a 'dude'. ~ Adrian Barnes

Jesse Tyler Ferguson is probably one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. Everything the kid does is funny. I think he tunes his life to being funny. ~ Jesse L. Martin

Usually the thought process for a seventeen-year-old boy went girl touching me > omg > boner. ~ Leah Raeder

I know enough football to know that's funny! ~ Gabriel Iglesias

The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time. ~ Brian Wilson