Mugs Funny Quotes

Christmas without a murder plot is like a day without giant spiders eaten orphans" (quote on my special gift holiday mugs) ~ Roma Gray

He (The Agent) just takes ten per cent of your life. ~ Raymond Chandler

It's funny, because when you're younger you're in a rush to be 18 or 21 or whatever. But then you hit 30. And now, the days go by like hours. You think, 40, man, this could be the halfway point. It could be the three-quarters point, you know? Who knows? ~ Mark Wahlberg

Somebody said that carrier pilots were the best in the world, and they must be or there wouldn't be any of them left alive. ~ Ernie Pyle

The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button. ~ Rick Reilly

That's why I like to get out there, and get people to see the other side of Mitt, and know us in a different reflection when you see the family and how funny he is with the boys and with the grandkids. And you know, just what a super guy he is. That's part of what I am doing, is letting people see the other side of Mitt. ~ Ann Romney

I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It's so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it's a comfort thing. ~ Emma Bunton

Fackelmann claimed to have started a Log just to keep track of Kite's attempted pickup lines
surefire lines like e.g. 'You're the second most beautiful woman I've ever seen, the first most beautiful woman I've ever seem being former Bristish Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher,' and 'If you came home with me I'm unusually confident that I could achieve an erection,' and said that if Kite wasn't still cherry at twenty-three and a half it was proof of some kind of divine-type grace. ~ David Foster Wallace

She'd met Colin on a Monday.
She'd kissed him on a Friday.
Twelve years later.
She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic. ~ Julia Quinn

Don't worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone."
"If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great comfort to me, thanks. ~ Molly Harper

I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle. ~ Janeane Garofalo

What is love? Love is when your heart has a raging boner. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

I love sitting down and having actual conversations. But I don't do that sound-bite, be-candidly-funny thing. ~ Kristen Stewart

I didn't know the comic at all, which is really funny because I grew up here and I had friends who worked at all of the places. Like The Beguiling, which is a store here, and Suspect Video and one of my friends actually worked at Suspect and The Beguiling. So it's kind of crazy that I'd never known the books before. ~ Alison Pill

Isn't it weird," I said, "the way you remember things, when someone's gone?"
What do you mean?"
I ate another piece of waffle. "When my dad first died, all I could think about was that day. It's taken me so long to be able to think back to before that, to everything else."
Wes was nodding before I even finished. "It's even worse when someone's sick for a long time," he said. "You forget they were ever healthy, ever okay. It's like there was never a time when you weren't waiting for something awful to happen."
But there was," I said. "I mean, it's only been in the last few months that I've started remembering all this good stuff, funny stuff about my dad. I can't believe I ever forgot it in the first place."
You didn't forget," Wes said, taking a sip of his water. "You just couldn't remember right then. But now you're ready to, so you can."
I thought about this as I finished off my waffle. ~ Sarah Dessen

Funny how, when one part of your life falls away, the other bits that are left start looking rather feeble. ~ Mhairi McFarlane

There's been a lot of coming home in the early mornings after funny nights out, having bizarre sandwiches in bed. ~ Neneh Cherry

It's a unique situation as well because England is a small country, so it makes it easy for the fans to travel. If we play down in London, they get buses and we'll get three or four thousand fans come down. They'll all sit in the same area and show their support for the team. ~ Claudio Reyna

I tell yeh, Bright-eyes. Men and women? A bloody mess. Every time. ~ David Kudler

AT&T to wed T-Mobile. Following the ceremony there will be no reception. ~ Richard Lerner

It's funny; it's a real balancing act. In TV, everybody's talking about authenticity. In order to make 'Dirty Jobs' authentic, I really can't be overly informed. The minute I am, I become a host ... It's a very tricky business paying a tribute to work, because TV is very bad at it. ~ Mike Rowe

Tell me one thing. Has Rider Sinclair done something to hurt you in any way? If he has,I'll shoot that man!"
Willow was taken aback by Miriam's vehemence. "No,no," she hastily assured. "He might have hurt my feelings some but that's all."
"I noticed he wasn't being very gentlemanly, but I overlooked it because I thought perhaps he was still showing his temper over the Scofield incident."
"You're probably right. But, Miriam, this ain't, er,isn't about Sinclair, not entirely anyway. It's about me." Willow's smile was sad. "Being a man would be easier and a hell of a lot more fun but I ain't built right. So, I want you to teach me how to look and act like a fine and proper lady. You will, won't you?"
Merry chuckles bubbled and rolled out of Miriam. "Oh, Willow!" More chuckles. "I know I shouldn't laugh right now, but I can't help myself. You say the most awful things!"
Willow didn't know if she should be insulted or not, but since it was Miriam laughing at her, she gave her the benefit of the doubt. "I know my wanting to be a real lady is funny, but not that funny."
"No,no." Miriam laughed, gasping for breath. "No that, the part about you're not being built right. ~ Charlotte McPherren

From Kelsey, I have learned among many other things the value of turning on a dime and how you can have an extremely funny and extremely poignant moment with absolutely no separation in between ... and sometimes in the same moment. ~ David Hyde Pierce

It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son. ~ Jon Stewart

The brilliance of Adam Scott is that he is so damn funny in a straight man role. ~ Rob Thomas

I'm a piece of shit," she finally mumbled, not lifting her head.
"Nonsense." In a practiced movement, I parted her hair, dividing each half into three sections near her crown. "You smell much better than shit. ~ Shelby Mahurin

I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it. ~ Denis Leary

If only there was mouthwash for the brain. Brain wash. They could make a fortune on that stuff. ~ Theresa Paolo

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third. ~ Woody Allen

It's funny how we feel so much but we don't say a word, we're screaming inside but we can't be heard. ~ Wiz Khalifa

That's for me to know, and for you to find out. ~ Ally Carter

Somehow, having a deer preside over the ceremony of a werewolf and a girl seems oddly appropriate. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though these cards is enough to remind you why this great nation, despite all the talk of decline, still leads the world in tranquilizer consumption. ~ Dave Barry

All thoughts of newbloods and Maven, my brother and Cal and Kilorn are gone entirely. Even the faces that haunt me, the faces of the dead, have disappeared.Funny, now that I'm dying, my ghosts decide to leave. I wish they would come back. I wish I didn't have to die alone. ~ Victoria Aveyard

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!" ~ Mike Birbiglia

I forget sometimes I need to eat and drink now. ~ Cassandra Clare

Sir Kile, you're lived in the palace your whole life," Gavril said, walking across the stage. "How do you think your life might change were you to become prince?"
"Id definitely need to focus more on my hygiene."
"Pfffft!" I covered my mouth, so embarrassed, but I couldn't stop laughing.
"Oh! Sounds like someone over there agrees."

-the Heir ~ Keira Cass

You need a good bedside manner with doctors or you will get nowhere. ~ William S. Burroughs

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error. ~ Dennis Miller

She (Candace) straightened her spine and shot him (Ryan) a warning glare. "You know what? You just reminded me why I don't like you."
He grinned like he got a giant kick out of needling her. Or maybe it was her response that he found funny. "Well I like you."
"That's because I'm not rude and obnoxious."
"Well there is that. But I think it's mostly to do with the fact that I'm standing here breathing because of you."
"Ah. So gratitude makes you rude? I'll have to remember that if I'm in the area next time you get in a tight spot. ~ Kaylea Cross

You're so full of shit, if you ever had an enema you'd evaporate into thin air. ~ Catherine Doyle

Boys. It's late. If you're not gonna kill me, what do you want? ~ Edward Falco

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo. ~ Rodney Dangerfield