Mothers Humor Quotes

I'm your mother. I see all. Hear all. Know all. ~ Maria V. Snyder

Professional interrogators should study mothers. ~ L.E. Modesitt Jr.

MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClEs ~ Andrew Hussie

Yes, your blondness. What?
"Did you mail off all your applications?"
"I did as ordered, Your Majesty."
"Are you going to tell me where you applied?"
"University of None Ya. University of Mind Your Own. University of Not-tellin'. Big Secret College. And St. Stay-out-of-it Technical College. ~ Tiffany Reisz

snow is overused. ~ N.D. Wilson

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire? ~ Rita Rudner

The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed. ~ Dorothy Parker

I'm no longer afraid of this pain. Although it hurts and i'll be sore for days afterward, the accomplishment, perspective, and pride I'll derive will tranquilize it. My abrasions and my blisters will become my medals. It's the same reason mothers choose to become pregnant again. Some pain is worth it. ~ Joe Kita

I have no doubt that my mother's pregnancy with me was an accident. Mostly because on several occasions, she told me I was an accident. ~ Chelsea Handler

They hadn't read as many stories as Malicia, and were rather more attached to the experience of real life, which is that when someone small and righteous takes on someone big and nasty, he is grilled bread product, very quickly. ~ Terry Pratchett

To knot a sentence up properly, it has to be thought out carefully, and revised. New phrases have to be put in; sudden changes of subject must be introducted; verbs must be shifted to unsuspected localities; short words must be excised with ruthless hand; archaisms must be sprinkled like sugar-plums upon the concoction; the fatal human tendency to say things straightforwardly must be detected and defeated by adroit reversals; and, if a glimmer of meaning yet remain under close scrutiny, it must be removed by replacing all the principal verbs by paraphrases in some dead language. ~ Aleister Crowley

I WANNA CONQUER THE WORLD... or at least the tri-state area. ~ Disney's Phineas And Ferb

Tip #4
Skinny-dip at will!

(Idea)
When single boast about finding your inner most happy place and hold on to it Odds are once married you can kiss personal space Good-Bye. ~ Hazel Cartwright

Eloiseis getting married as well."
"Eloise?" Michael asked with some surprise. "Was she even being courted by anyone?"
"No," Francesca said, quickly flipping to the third sheet of her mother‟s letter. "It‟s someone she‟s never met."
"Well, I imagine she‟s met him now," Michael said in a dry voice. ~ Julia Quinn

Just because a woman is good at something doesn't necessarily mean it's what she should do in life. If that were the case most of the women in the Belle family would be hookers. ~ Paula Wall

It's an attempted murder. It's a suicide, but you're attempting to make it seem like a murder. ~ Ben H. Winters

Will the last person on the planet please turn off the lights? ~ John Joseph Adams

When we perfect 3-D copiers and they reproduce tissue, we'll have a million Marilyns walking around with no souls ... ~ John Geddes

We all have the best laid plans for our children, and they go and ruin it all by growing up any way they want to. What the hell was it all for, then? (Real Life and Liars) ~ Kristina Riggle

If I had but the time and you had but the brain ~ Lewis Carroll

Mother's Day celebrates a huge lie about the value of women: that mothers are superior beings, that they have done more with their lives and chosen a more difficult path. ~ Anne Lamott

Cats. You can't live with them, and the fur's too thin for a rug. ~ Mercedes Lackey

The big lie of American capitalism is that corporations work in their own best interests. In fact they're constantly doing things that will eventually bring them to their knees. Most of these blunders involve toxic chemicals that any competent chemist should know to be dangerous. They pump these things into the environment and don't even try to protect themselves. The evidence is right there in public, almost as if they'd printed up signed confessions and sprinkled them out of aeroplanes. Sooner or later, someone shows up in a Zodiac and points to that evidence, and the result is devastation far worse than what a terrorist, a Boone, could manage with bombs and guns. All the old men within twenty miles who have come down with tumors become implacable enemies. All the women married to them, all the mothers of damaged children, and even those of undamaged ones. The politicians and the news media trample each other in their haste to pour hellfire down on that corporation. The transformation can happen overnight and it's easy to bring about. You just have to show up and point your finger. ~ Neal Stephenson

I turned to my own bunk and examined it with a kind of appalled fascination. If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it. He had evidently included the pillow in his celebrations. ~ Bill Bryson

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. ~ Phyllis Diller

Expect stupid. It's everywhere. ~ Lois Greiman

I think humor can be an effective way of getting the point across, but there are definitely times where I just write very earnestly. ~ Alex Pareene

I looked to the ceiling and told God, God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission. ~ Kristen Ashley

Its a very good book and i wish i read it first than anyone else!!!! ~ Wendy Mass

Nosoi?" Percy planted his feet in a fighting stance. "You know, I keep thinking, I have now killed every single thing in Greek mythology. But the list never seems to end."
"You haven't killed me yet," I noted.
"Don't tempt me. ~ Rick Riordan

Teenagers today, changing lover as easily as changing panties. ~ Eka Prasetyani

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!" ~ Mike Birbiglia

We mean you don't love any men," Gretta said in her even, matter-of-fact voice.
"You know very well that I adore all men," I said. "I have always thought them to be the dearest of things. ~ Martine Leavitt

A line of perspiration slipped down my spine like a waterslide at an unamusement park. ~ Michelle Rowen

It's hard to take sex ed seriously when the teachers haven't even wiggled their stuff in this millennium. ~ Amber Kizer

If 50 million people say something foolish, it is still foolish. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

I shadowed my father a million times before, watching him sneak off to the outskirts, but it never occurred to me to follow my mother - that she would have a life of her own. ~ Kim Liggett

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~ Steven Wright

The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat muffins. ~ Jill Shalvis

Or if I truly gave up I could be like Wet Lindsay. When Robbie dumped her she got all pale and even wetter than normal. She was like an anoraksick. (A person who is both very thin and wears tragic anoraks.) I just made that up as a joke. Even though I am very upset I can still think of a joke. ~ Louise Rennison

Fortunately, Park seemed more bemused than offended. "Do you disapprove of human-werewolf relationships, Agent Dayton?"

"No. Of course not. I - that's not what I meant. I just didn't understand..." Cooper trailed off, thoroughly uncomfortable, and Park took pity on him.

"She's not my type because I'm gay."

The silence was sharp. Vaguely Cooper was aware his mouth was hanging open. He shut it quickly. Then opened it again to say, "Oh, that's nice. ~ Charlie Adhara

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. ~ Jon Stewart

His father was an ass and he is an ass. I imagine sooner than I should like I shall be playing uncle to a litter of asses. ~ T.A. Miles

You men deserve whatever rabbit-boiling scenario dating crazy women gets you. ~ Rachel Hollis

After giving it some thought, I've decided to name my monkey mind Ricky Bobby. I was thinking about Latin names like Javier, but I don't want to make my jumping, distractable self sound mysterious and sexy. Ricky Bobby makes me laugh. A name like that seems silly, not strong. Just a goofy little thing that doesn't know what to do with its hands, likes to go fast, and loves tiny, infant, baby Jesus. ~ Anna White

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. ~ Nenia Campbell

Nothing says I love you like a pre- lubricated butthole. ~ Nick Pageant

Maybe she's helping him because his hands are full," Lydia suggested.
The girl kissed a trace of chocolate from the corner of his mouth.
"Or not. ~ Diana Peterfreund

There's a lot more to ridin' a horse than just sittin' in the saddle and lettin' yer feet hang down. ~ Texas Bix Bender

My life is so bad that it's worse than it really is. ~ Brian Spellman