Cats Humor Quotes

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat. ~ Mark Twain

Trying to corral the suburban stampede with a bunch of school buses was like herding cats. Actually, it was worse than herding cats. It was herding white people, earth's only species with a greater sense of entitlement than a cat. ~ Tanner Colby

It probably wasn't smart to judge them based on appearance. I, for instance, was destined to be a world-renowned surgeon, but between my long, brown braid, square-framed glasses, and boyish figure, I looked more like the kind of girl who works in a library and spends Friday nights having deep, meaningful conversations with her cats. ~ Carrie Harris

I situate myself, and seat myself,
And where you recline I shall recline,
For every armchair belonging to you as good as belongs to me.
I loaf and curl up my tail
I yawn and loaf at my ease after rolling in the catnip patch.
(From Meow of Myself, from LEAVES OF CATNIP) ~ Henry N. Beard

They say there are
Twenty-four hours in a day
But I'm only up for three of them
And two I consider overtime ~ Francesco Marciuliano

And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside. ~ Robert J. Morrissette

Cat herding is simple. Just drag a string behind you. ~ Aaron Dennis

Can you imagine those poor bastards grappling their prey, leaping over the rails, swords in hand, screaming 'Your cats! Give us all your god-damned cats! ~ Scott Lynch

After the group vet appointment
during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room
we went back to Sabrina's and re-released the cats to their natural habitat. ~ Sarah Dessen

No one had ever accused Koko of being naughty. Perverse, perhaps, or arrogant, or despotic. But naughtiness was beneath his dignity. ~ Lilian Jackson Braun

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

Dogs kind of default to making friends unless provoked. Cats seem to default to making enemies unless convinced otherwise. ~ Perry Elisabeth Kirkpatrick

He might be living on mice, but Chesterton does not look like an animal who is governed by his appetites. He's an ascetic, if Cathbad ever saw one. ~ Elly Griffiths

Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. 'Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
'I don't much care where - ' said Alice.
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
' - so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.
'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough. ~ Lewis Carroll

I said that I had heard curiosity could be harmful, in particular to cats ~ Michael Chabon

Four of us,' said Morwen. The cats yowled. 'Yes, I know, and of course you're coming, but you can't carry a bucket of soapy water, so for the purposes of this discussion it doesn't matter,' she told them.
The cats gave her an affronted look, turned their backs, and began making indignant little noises at each other. ~ Patricia C. Wrede

Rowl felt sure that Bridget's fragile feelings would be crushed if he denied her the pleasure of sharing her meat with him. ~ Jim Butcher

If you can love cats, you can love human beings, because you have to be able to love them without getting them at all. ~ Chris Kelly

Snowball?"
It's white."
Meow."
It's so girly."
This from a guy who named his poodle Princess."
his laughter died. "How do you know about Princess?"
Your sister told me. ~ Rachel Gibson

Would you buy potato chips that listed potato by-product or potato digest as an ingredient ~ Michelle T. Bernard

Er, excuse me,' said the man as Nanny Ogg turned away, 'but what is that on your shoulders?'
'It's. . . a fur collar,' said Nanny.
'Excuse me, but I just saw it flick its tail.'
'Yes. I happen to believe in beauty without cruelty. ~ Terry Pratchett

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. ~ Garrison Keillor

This is the story of how I "came down with cat," even though I had decided I would never, ever, own any pet. ~ Nils Uddenberg

Even cats have questions – like "Can't you see my bowl is empty?" or "Why don't you turn off the ***! rain now?" From their perspective we are gods! ~ Jay Woodman

Take it from cats

If someone moves to make room for you, take up more room. If someone is looking over there, there's something to see. If somebody sneezes, run. If someone brings a bag into your home, look inside it. If you don't want someone to leave, sit on his suitcase. Clean between your toes. Flaunt your full figure. Hide loose change. Even though you can take care of yourself, it's okay to let someone be nice to you. It's fine to take a nap on the laundry. If you stand in a kitchen long enough, someone will feed you. If you're alone in bed, use all the pillows. Just because it's gorgeous outside doesn't mean you have to go outside. Just because you can fit into something tight doesn't mean that you belong in it. If you trust someone, open yourself like a cheap umbrella. If you want to be left alone, park yourself in a closet. If you want to surprise someone, lie in a bathtub and then jerk back the curtain when he sits on the toilet. If you're not interested, don't look interested. You don't have to chase every bird that you see. ~ Helen Ellis

But giving drugs to a cat is no joke, Kemp! ~ H.G.Wells

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Cats. You can't live with them, and the fur's too thin for a rug. ~ Mercedes Lackey

Mealtime
"A mousie squealing in a trap
Woke me from my morning nap.
Wasn't he so very sweet
To tell me it was time to eat?"
(From A CAT'S GARDEN OF VERSES) ~ Henry N. Beard

Men and the pursuit of them are strongly intertwined with my mental health. I would say, in my defensive defense, that the problem with being a serial monogamist is, there isn't anybody random or unimportant: everybody you sleep with really means something, which is to say each of them is on your public record. At some point I wake up thinking, Fuck this! I don't want another man in my bed ever again. What I really want is a cat. ~ Emma Forrest

From CATS ARE KIND
I saw a dog pursuing automobiles;
On and on he sped.
I was puzzled by this;
I accosted the dog.
'If you catch one,' I said
'What will you do with it?'
'Dumb cat,' he cried,
And ran on. ~ Henry N. Beard

She smiled again. "Do you like cat?" she said.
"Yes," said Richard. "I quite like cats."
Anaesthesia looked relieved. "Thigh?" she asked, "or breast? ~ Neil Gaiman

Don't judge a cat by its coat. ~ Magdalena VandenBerg

LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME I-
Oh, uh, hello
I did not expect an answer
I did not expect an entrance
I did not expect this room to be so unbelievably dull
So, uh, goodbye ~ Francesco Marciuliano

Cats don't need to be possessed; they're evil on their own. ~ Peter Kreeft

There are a great many aspects to feline life, but the three most important - the Holy Trinity, if you will - are eating, sleeping and washing. ~ Jem Vanston

Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity. ~ Terry Pratchett

I fall short of her standards. She made me buy cat food that hasn't been tested on animals. My cats took one bite of it, spit it out, and yelled, "Did no one test this? ~ Paula Poundstone

You also yell at the pigeons outside, watch too many cooking shows, and have a blog entirely dedicated to pictures of yourself. ~ Marie Jacquelyn

Loud ringing noises, I've discovered, upset Mr.Peepers. ~ Meg Cabot

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance.
~ James Thurber

I'm poor and my cat is huge. ~ Christopher Moore

Ty rested his hand on Zane's chest again and closed his eyes. Zane turned his head with infinite care and kissed Ty's forehead.
Wesson gave him a warning growl.
"Mine," Zane told the cat. ~ Abigail Roux

So Nikki came aboard as Jaqueline's spare cat, presumably in case our prime cat, Eliza, goes on vacation, takes industrial action, or requests a personal day. ~ Christopher S. Wren

Look, cat, you and I are never going to be friends. She's going to
call you Max, but I'm going to call you Shit Head. And if you think for
one second - " The cat lies down in a tight little ball of nastiness and
falls asleep. "Oh, please. Make yourself at home by sleeping on my
scrotum." I peek out into the sitting room area that connects to the
four bedrooms, and then glance back at the kitten. Releasing a sigh of
discontent, I pet Shit Head with one finger. He purrs extra hard, and
I find myself wondering if I could train him to do things. Every hero
needs a sidekick, and I'm nothing if not a Grade-A Hero.
- Dante Walker ~ Victoria Scott

Oh, that's right. Missy opens doors. ~ Perry Elisabeth Kirkpatrick

Looking back, retrospectively on the events of that evening, I can see the irony - the shrink whose cat ate his own tail. At the time of the incident, however, humor was not in my emotional repertoire; it was the furthest thing from my mind. ~ Jacqueline Simon Gunn

Let us roam then, you and I,
When the evening is splayed out across the sky
[ ... ]
Paths that follow like a nagging accusation
Of a minor violation
To lead you to the ultimate reproof ...
Oh, do not say, 'Bad kitty!'
Let us go and prowl the city.
In the rooms the cats run to and fro
Auditioning for a Broadway show.
(From The Love Song of J. Morris Housecat) ~ Henry N. Beard

Abyssinias
"I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: A huge four-footed limestone form
Sits in the desert, sinking in the sand.
Its whiskered face, though marred by wind and storm,
Still flaunts the dainty ears, the collar band
And feline traits the sculptor well portrayed:
The bearing of a born aristocrat,
The stubborn will no mortal can dissuade.
And on its base, in long-dead alphabets,
These words are set: "Reward for missing cat!
His name is Abyssinias, pet of pets;
I, Ozymandias, will a fortune pay
For his return. he heard me speak of vets
O foolish King! And so he ran away. ~ Henry N. Beard

I'll wager I would have screwed things up regardless. But ... can you imagine those poor bastards grappling their prey, leaping over the rails, swords in hand, screaming, 'Your cats! Give us all your gods-damned cats! ~ Scott Lynch

The human race can be roughly divided into two categories: ailurophiles and ailurophobes - cat lovers and the underprivileged. ~ David Taylor

The purr is very important. It's the purr that does it every time. It's the purr that makes up for the Things Under the Bed, the occasional pungency, the 4 a.m. yowl. Other creatures went in for big teeth, long legs or over-active brains, while cats just settled for a noise that tells the world they're feeling happy. ~ Terry Pratchett

Mr. Rohan," she heard Beatrix ask, "are you going to marry my sister?"
Amelia choked on her tea and set the cup down. She sputtered and coughed into her napkin.
"Hush, Beatrix," Win murmured.
"But she's wearing his ring - "
Poppy clamped her hand over Beatrix's mouth. "Hush!"
"I might," Cam replied. His eyes sparkled with mischief as he continued. "I find your sister a bit lacking in humor. And she doesn't seem particularly obedient. On the other hand - "
One set of French doors flew open, accompanied by the sound of breaking glass. Everyone on the back terrace looked up in startlement, the men rising from their chairs.
"No," came Win's soft cry.
Merripen stood there, having dragged himself from his sickbed. He was bandaged and disheveled, but he looked far from helpless. He looked like a maddened bull, his dark head lowered, his hands clenched into massive fists. And his stare, promising death, was firmly fixed on Cam.
There was no mistaking the bloodlust of a Roma whose kinswoman had been dishonored.
"Oh, God," Amelia muttered.
Cam, who stood beside her chair, glanced down at her questioningly. "Did you say something to him?"
Amelia turned red as she recalled her blood-spotted nightgown and the maid's expression. "It must have been servants' talk."
Cam stared at the enraged giant with resignation. "You may be in luck," he said to Amelia. "It looks as if our betrothal is going to end prematurely." ~ Lisa Kleypas

Length of smile get reduced as people grow up!!! ~ Akshay Dubey

What people get admired and appreciated for in community are their soft skills: their sense of humor and timing, their ability to listen, their courage and honesty, their capacity for empathy. ~ M. Scott Peck

Flirting is a "controversial art form" that leaves the intended either flattered, infatuated, creeped out or getting a restraining order. ~ Shannon L. Alder

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced. ~ David Cross

We'll show the world we are prosperous if we have to go broke to do it. ~ Will Rogers

Fortunately, we did most of our athletic stuff inside, so we didn't have to jog through Tribeca looking like a bunch of boot-camp hippie children. ~ Rick Riordan

"I don't doubt tall, dark, and seriously cute had a vision, but I'm still going to wait for Kit's call on this one."
"Did she just call me cute?" Corey said.
Hayley turned on Tori. "Did you just flirt with my boyfriend?"
"Boyfriend?" Corey said.
"Are you coming?" I asked Corey. "Or staying to flirt back?"
"Bossy, isn't she?" Tori said.
"Yeah, I think it's hot," Corey said with a grin. ~ Kelley Armstrong

Okay," I said. "Just a normal afternoon and two normal people."
She nodded. "And so ... hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?"
"Oh ... " I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows-slow, dumb, and bright red. "Um ... ~ Rick Riordan

Nix to Regin: What about that nice leopard-shifter pack that wanted to date you? The benefits of a variety pack of males cannot be overstated. ~ Kresley Cole

Scott still stares at Sid, then turns to Alice and hands her the Scotch. "We're going to go see Joanie today," he says.

Alice grins. "And Chachi?" she asks.

Sid bursts out laughing and Scott turns back to him, then places a hand on his shoulder, which makes me fear for his life. "You be quiet, son," Scott says. "I could kill you with this hand. This hand has been places."

I shake my head and look at both Sid and Alex.

Scott lifts his hand off Sid's shoulder and turns again to his wife. "No, Alice. Our Joanie. Our daughter. We're going to give her anything she wants." He glares at me. "Think about what she would want, Alice. We're going to get it for her and bring it to her. Bring it right to her bed."

"Joanie and Chachi," Alice chants. "Joanie and Chachi!"

"Shut up, Alice!" Scott yells.

Alice looks at Scott as though he just said "Cheese." She clasps her hands together and smiles, staying in the pose for a few seconds. He looks at her face and squints. "Sorry, old gal," he says. "You go ahead and say whatever you want."

"It was funny," Sid says. "All I was doing was laughing. She has a good sense of humor. That's all. Maybe she knows she's being funny. I think she does."

"I'm going to hit you," Scott says. His arms hang alongside him, the muscles flexed, veins big like milk-shake straws. I know he's going to hit Sid because that's what he does. I've seen him hit Barry. I, too, h ~ Kaui Hart Hemmings

Where's Mason?"
"Planting explosives."
Zinio did a double take. "You actually handed that man explosives?"
"Damn it, Zinio. Let other people have some fun."
The explosion in the distance was followed by Mason yelling, "Yahoo!"
Zinio and Delaney stared speechless as Mason flew by in the adjoining tunnel, riding the concussion wave of the blast.
Finally, Zinio stomped after him.
He peeled him off the floor in the adjoining tunnel. "You having fun yet?"
"Hell yeah!"
"Wanna go again?"
"Hell yeah I wanta go again!"
A short while later, Zinio watched Mason fly by on a concussion wave from the latest explosion, as Mason shouted, "Hot Diggity!"
Zinio made his way over to the somewhat more charcoaled Mason. "You had enough yet?"
Mason nodded shakily.
"Good - because it'd be nice if we actually put a hole in the fricking wall! That is the object of this little exercise. ~ Dean C. Moore

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely" ... It's a basic skill isn't it ... ~ Tim Vine

Oh God, look what you did."
"God's away on business, Kas. Talk to me. ~ Richard Kadrey

And I find chopsticks frankly distressing. Am I alone in thinking it odd that a people ingenious enough to invent paper, gunpowder, kites and any number of other useful objects, and who have a noble history extending back 3,000 years haven't yet worked out that a pair of knitting needles is no way to capture food? ~ Bill Bryson

we are writing our own ‪#karma‬! I mean my test cases ~ Ahkeno

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. ~ Christopher Morley

Finding a life partner is like choosing a bed. You need one as a friend either in times of health or sickness. Freshness or weariness. Happiness or sadness. And we can be certain that we've picked the right one without having to sleep with it first. ~ Isman H. Suryaman

With his forefinger and middle finger, he tipped her chin up. A corner of his mouth kicked up wickedly, as if he knew she was mentally undressing him. "My face is up here. ~ Ann Bruce

Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired. ~ Dorothy Parker

I hate to burst your bubble, but you're really not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually," I lied casually.
He stopped, raising his eyebrows in blatant disbelief. Then he flashed a wide, wicked smile.
"You really shouldn't have said that," he chuckled.
He growled, a low sound in the back of his throat; his lips curled back over his perfect teeth. His body shifted suddenly, half-crouched, tensed lika a lion about to pounce.
I backed away from him, glaring.
"You wouldn't."
I didn't see him leap me - it was much too fast. I only found myself suddenly airborne, and then we crashed onto the sofa, knocking it into the wall. All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection around me - I was barely jostled. But I still was gasping as I tried to right myself.
He wasn't having that. He curled me into a ball against his chest, holding me more securely than iron chains. I glared at him in alarm, but he seemed well in control, his jaw relaxed as he grinned, his eyes bright only with humor.
"You were saying?" he growled playfully.
"That you are a very, very terrifying monster," I said, my sarcasm marred a bit my breathless voice.
"Much better," he approved. ~ Stephenie Meyer

I almost feel like throwing Jimmy into the stove, as the priest in Kulenberg did. ~ Martin Luther

I been talkin' with my buddy, and he thinks I'm virgin enough fer the two of us. ~ William Inge

When nature calls, I don't let it go to voicemail. ~ Nenia Campbell

I like all my children, even the squat and ugly ones. ~ Howard Nemerov

My motto? Don't trust someone who is just as cagey as yourself."
"What kind of detective are you?" "A lousy one and proud of it. I write, remember?"
She looked down at her hand & laughed. "Berretta doesn't make lighters." "Why I was a writer! My life revolved around fiction. I could make something up"
"She looked down at her hand & laughed. "Berretta doesn't make lighters."
"So they're not Tolstoy, they're a little shorter ... Okay, okay a lot. Go ahead, read my mystery series anyway."
"A detective has their boundaries especially me. So mine shifted occasionally ... okay a lot"
"Beat it, Buster. My temper and this mace have a hair trigger."
"Interference could be lethal." I got right up in his face, hissing, "Don't push me, I'm hormonal."
I'm not really a lousy detective, just rough around the edges. ~ Peggy A. Edelheit

Boys! Are they always this impossible? Do they always say cryptic, indecipherable things? (Note
to self: work with Liz to adapt her boy-to-English translator into a more mobile form - like maybe a
watch or necklace.) ~ Ally Carter

Hey… this bed is awfully lonely without you in it." His sleepy morning rasp pulls at me and his words seduce me when I have no business being seduced.
"Believe me, I'd much rather be there with you - "
"Then get here as quick as you can, baby, because time's wasting. I have a long list of things to do today," he says, humor edging the suggestive tone of his voice. And I love this about him - about us - that just his voice can help ease the stress of my morning.
"What is it you have to do today?"
"You on the couch, you on the counter, you against the wall, you just about any place imaginable… ~ K. Bromberg

Closed. Plenty of time to see it later, remember? He leads me into the courtyard, and I take the opportunity to admire his backside. Callipygian. There is something better than Notre-Dame. ~ Stephanie Perkins

It's about this girl who meets this mega mysterious guy and they totally dig each other - Only he's not really a guy, he's a dragon and he's been cursed to live as a human by this evil dragon-dude, who also wants her. And then they totally do it. ~ Ananth Hirsh And Yuko Ota

The cat jumped out of Willie's arms and bounded up the stanze.

The gallery fell into a hush as the cat crawled through Moses and the Prophets and the reign of David and up through the Old Testament entirely, fixing its claws on the slaying of the Holy Innocents and stopping to consider how far it wished to travel into the Gospels. The Russian priest began to scream again.

A spirit-minded guard, interpreting the cat's movements as an evil sign, fell on his knees and asked forgiveness for his many sins of the flesh.

A policeman called to the cat to jump down but the cat seemed content to remain with the dying Innocents.

Willie whistled sharply then. The cat turned, hesitated, then leaped down and skittered out of the gallery.

Everyone turned to Willie, who stood quite still, holding his arms as if he were still cradling the cat.

"Cats - men," he said in a faraway voice, "need things to hang on. Otherwise, wouldn't everything fall away?"

The Italian word for insane rippled through the gallery. ~ Thomas S. Klise

Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock ... Who's There?.. Little endorphin ... Little endorphin who? ... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

I'm gonna take a patato chip! AND eat it! ~ Tsugumi Ohba

Okay, woman. Spit that canary out and wipe those feathers off your chin. What the heck happened to you? Last night you were crying over a laxative commercial on TV. ~ Katherine Allred

Your tummy, soft as
warm dough. I knead and knead, then
bake it with a nap. ~ Lee Wardlaw

Supposedly, guys think about sex every eight seconds. If that's true, how can they talk to their grandmothers? ~ Jody Gehrman

...they're currently planning to ram something unpleasant up our buttocks, probably a dildo covered in chili. ~ Christopher G. Nuttall

I do remember the tour of 'Cats' in Philadelphia. I was 12 and had a stomach bug. ~ Aaron Lazar

Never underestimate the allure of the Goodwill. ~ Stacey Jay

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood. ~ Jim Norton

Wrinkles was her big gray cat. Sierra named him Wrinkles because when he was a little baby he had a wrinkly face. He slept in Sierra's room, but not always on the bed. Mommy said that was 'cause Wrinkles had an attitude. Most cats had attitudes, actually. ~ Karen Kingsbury

Sometimes the thing one wants most is the very thing that will get him killed with an axe. ~ Brian South

I'm a mischievous drunk. ~ Noel Fielding

Welcome... to the Filthy Frank Show. If you're feeling suicidal, you've come to the right place. 'Cause I wanna fucking kill myself as well. ~ George Miller