Justin Halpern Quotes

Even though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off base when he said, "Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes." ... "Remember. Family," he said. "Also, how do I get back to I-5? I hate this fucking city.

I was an angst-y journal writing kid.

Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.

On Receiving Straight As on My Report Card Hot damn! You're a smart kid - I don't care what people say about you! ... I'm kidding, nobody says you're not smart. They say other stuff, but not that.

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.

Human beings do dumb shit. You do dumb shit. She does dumb shit. Everyone does dumb shit. Then, every once in a while, we have a moment where we don't do dumb shit, and then we throw a goddamned parade and we forget all the dumb shit we did. So what I'm saying to you is, don't do something, or not do something, to punish someone because you think they did something dumb. Do what you want to do, because it's what you want to do. Also, bring me a grapefruit from the kitchen and some salt and pepper.

On Friendship
You got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one.

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup

It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.

Self-administering oral sex is not my cup of tea, but you have to hand it to him for his ruthless determination to enjoy himself.

On Sharing
I'm sorry, but if your brother doesn't want you to play with his shit, then you can't play with it. It's his shit. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, then that's his right. You always have the right to be an asshole - you just shouldn't use that right very often.

My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.

If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage ... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.

My mind was quickly consumed with thoughts of my girlfriend and all the good times we had had, like one of those cheesy montages ni eighties movies, when the angsty protagonist envisions himself and his ex holding hands on the beach, feeding a small puppy, getting into some kind of zany wrestling match with whipped cream. I interrupted my cliché memories by saying aloud: "Ugh, I'm feeling pretty low about this whole thing."

"You just gotta try to put it out of your head," he said, folding the paper halfway down to look at me.

"I know, it's just hard. I mean, I still have stuff at her place. What am I going to do about that? I still have a TV...," I said.

"Fuck the TV. Leave the TV. Cut your ties."

"It's a fifteen-hundred-dollar TV," I insisted.

"Go get that fucking TV.

That woman was sexy ... Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

What Im trying to say is that what makes you up, its always been around, and it always will be around. So really the only thing you should worry about is the part you're at right now. Where you got a body and a head and all that bullshit. Just worry about living, dying is the easy part.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..

Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she's been accidentally delivered to a baby shower.

On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate
Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.

Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don't know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.

On the Baseball Steroids Scandal People are surprised Mark McGwire did steroids? Look at him! He looks like they should have him in a stall on display at the fair with some poor son of a bitch cleaning up his shit.

On My Interest in Smoking Cigars You're not a cigar guy ... . Well, the first reason that jumps out at me is that you hold it like you're jerking off a mouse.

I just want silence ... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

In the fall of 1998, I began my freshman year at San Diego State University, which my dad commonly referred to as 'Harvard, without all the smart people.

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.

Not that bad? This ain't fucking MIT, this is ninth grade! Look at this shit!' he said, holding the progress report up. 'You got a fucking C in ninth grade journalism? How does that even happen? You work for the New York fucking Times? Couldn't break that big corruption story? Jesus Christ. Unbelievable.

Seeing someone you used to date is a lot like watching highlights of your favorite team losing in the Super Bowl: just the sight of it hits you like a punch in the gut and makes you remember how upset you were when it all went down in flames.

All right. Here's the deal. You're eight," he said. "I'm nine," I said. "Do I look like I carry an abacus with your name on it? Cut me some slack here, son.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

On Proper Etiquette for Borrowing His Car You borrowed the car, and now it smells like shit. I don't care if you smell like shit, that's your business. But when you shit up my car, then that's my business. Take it somewhere and un-shit that smell.

See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.

On the SATs Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important.

I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.

The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog.

Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down.
'So. How was practice?' he asked
'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool.
'Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball

Listen, I don't give a fuck if you forget my birthday. I don't need people reminding me I'm closer to death.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face? ... Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.

Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.

Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole.

On My Response to Having My Tires Slashed Oh, don't go to the goddamned cops. They're busy with real shit. I don't want my tax dollars going to figuring out who thinks you're an asshole.

I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.

My instructor was a skinny guy in his midtwenties who had a shaved head that was always peeling from sunburns and who could only have smelled more like marijuana if he'd been made of it. The training vehicle was a mid- '80s tan Nissan that had working breaks on the passenger side; He often got his jollies slamming them on for no reason and then between wheezing laughs saying 'You were all like 'I'm in control of the car' and then I hit the brakes and shit and you were all like 'whaaaat?

You are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we'll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet.

The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.

My dad is awesome.

On Talking to Strangers "Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don't know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else." On

On My Eighth-Grade Graduation Ceremony They're celebrating you graduating from eighth grade? We just went to your sixth-grade graduation two goddamned years ago! Jesus Christ, why don't they just throw a fucking party every time you properly wipe your ass?

How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes.

On Accidentally Eating Dog Treats
Snausages? I've been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they're delicious. I will not be shamed by this.

So, how's it going? You seeing some art and history or you too busy trying to slap your pecker against anything with a wet spot?" "No, I saw some art. We spent like two hours in the Louvre." "Nice. Two thousand years of priceless works of art and you bust through it in two hours. Eat shit, da Vinci," he said. "Where you heading next?

On My Trip to Europe I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid.

Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.

You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I'll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is.

People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.

On Breaking the Neighbor's Window for the Third Time in a Year: 'What in the hell is the matter with you? This is the third time! You know, at this point I think it's the neighbor's fault....No, not really, it's your fucking fault, I'm just in denial right now that my DNA was somehow involved in something this stupid'.

Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something? ... Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking.

On my seventh birthday party:
No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party ... What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god-damned bouncy house in our backyard? ... Yeah, that's right, that's the kind of shit I think about , that you just think magically appears.

We aint a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that.

On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing ... . Well, I'll just say it's never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

You say you're sick, huh? Well, it looks like you've come down with a case of bullshit.

You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day ... I don't give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.

The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front of who it needs to get in front of.

I'm not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father being one of them, who use curse words rather eloquently.

The worst thing you can be is a liar ... Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.

On Furnishing One's Home
Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.

On Packing My Own Lunch
You have to pack a sandwich. It can't just be cookies and bullshit ... No, I said if you packed it yourself, you could pack it how you want it, not pack it like a moron.